Collide
Written by Tears of Mercury
A/N: So, I finally went to youtube and watched the season six Eman scenes everyone has been talking about. I have mixed feelings, but let me just say… my version of Eman season six is a lot different from the spoilers/promos. However, since only part of the third chapter is written, I'm letting you guys decide: do you want me to revamp the story after this chapter and go along with the spoilers or just go off in the different direction I was planning on? This means that those readers that AREN'T reviewers (yes, I know you're out there! I saw my hit number! LoL) should review if just to give me input on this. I promise, I'll never beg you to review again! Well… maybe… anyway, here's chapter two. I hope that you guys enjoy!
"So you were sick yesterday? I'm sorry to hear that," she says, giving me a sympathetic expression as she crosses her legs and readjusts her position. My gaze falls on the notepad and pen in her hands and my lips tighten involuntarily.
"I think it was kind of stress and lack of sleep and just a touch of what my mom had… I'm doing a lot better now, though. Almost as good as new," I reply evenly. She sighs at me, a sigh that I've come to detest over the past four months.
"Emma, you don't have to be so defensive. I wasn't trying to imply that…"
"A lot of relapses are jumpstarted by a bug that gets girls in the habit of throwing up or not eating again, right? It makes us more susceptible to falling off the wagon," I recite, using Peter's phrase. I raise an eyebrow at her and she fiddles with the pen, tapping it against the tablet.
"Maybe it would have been a good idea to wait until you were feeling a little bit better. I know that it's not easy to be in a good mood or to get introspective when you're getting over being sick…"
"I'M NOT SICK!" She jumps a little as I fly out of my chair and knock it over. "You know what, you can take your fucking notes and your fucking observations and cliché phrases and shove them up your ass. I'm fine, okay? And it's pretty damn sad that you have such a huge savior complex that you feel like you have to swoop in and save every lost soul on the face of the planet!"
My footsteps pound against the pavement and I run past the waiting room where I know Spike will show up in five minutes once she gets the call from my therapist that I've run out on my session; past the buildings on either side of the office that they've tried to make look welcoming and cheery; past the hospital that they brought me to when I collapsed on the floor of the basement, gasping for breath. I finally stop when I get to the park, bending over and resting my head and hands on my knees as I try to catch my breath. There's a vacant bench nearby, and suddenly my anger comes to the surface. I kick and hit and punch and scream, hardly making a dent in it. This only serves to make me even more furious. "God!" I crumple onto the sidewalk and breathe heavily. I hate that I can start hyperventilating at the drop of a hat; it's certainly not a talent I'm proud of.
I hear footsteps approach me and I turn around. Jay. Of course, though; why the heck did I think that I'd be let off the hook just this once? At least I'll have a conversation topic when I get carted back to therapy. "Slow down there, Greenpeace. The rain forest can wait another two seconds," he taunts, smirking at me.
"Not right now, Jay. I'm kind of busy with something; not that I'd expect you to understand that."
"You're right; I've been sleeping the day away. We had an awesome party at the ravine last night; you should've come. I'm always willing to dispense more bracelets." Every inch of my pacifist self wants to slap him, but instead I back away. "Oh, come on! I wasn't that bad, was I?" When I don't respond he tries another tactic, one that might have worked in the past. "You certainly weren't bad. You surprised me, Miss Nelson; I'd always assumed prudes couldn't even look at a dick without gasping, but you…" His voice, low and suggestive, is calling after me as I start running away. By now I have a killer cramp in my side and breathing is a struggle. A car pulls up beside me. I'm expecting it to be Spike, but instead it's Snake.
"Dad. I… I was going back… to… um…" He gives me a knowing gaze and after a moment gestures with his head.
"Come on, I'll drive you home. No sense in walking the whole way back, especially after Spike sent me looking for you," he rationalizes.
"She what?" Snake sighs and squints at me.
"Honestly? She's pretty worried about you. But she's also kind of mad… you were making so much progress, and she doesn't realize that this is part of progress, not a setback. We both thought it would be best if I was there when you got home, and I wanted to make sure that you weren't in any serious trouble." I shake my head and get into the car silently. The ride home is quiet, but I notice the sheen of sweat on Snake's forehead, the way that he looks like he's not quite comfortable in his own skin. I know that look.
"Dad, are you okay?" I ask.
"I'm fine. I'm just a little tired; that's all." He looks straight ahead as he says it, and I notice a bruise peeking out from the edge of his shirt sleeve.
"Where did you get that bruise?" He sighs and turns to look at me as we pull into the driveway, neither of us getting out.
"I've been active. And you know that I play with Jack a lot, and now that he's getting older…" I look away and shake my head.
"Don't use Jack as an excuse. When is your next doctor's appointment?"
"It's in a month; you know that. I'm in remission."
"Are you? Because you look like you're about to throw up, you have bruises that you can't explain, and you can't look me in the eye and tell me that you're fine, can you?" The silence is heavy and sickening, and I have to choke back the swelling in my throat. "I bet you haven't even told mom yet. So much for honesty, huh?" I storm into the house past my mom, who looks plenty worked up herself.
"Emma, stop right there!" I whirl around to face her. She backs up a step, and I would be somewhat surprised if I wasn't so close to breaking down completely.
"What do you want me to say, mom? I lost it! And you know what? If you were crammed in a room and forced to share your feelings while someone scribbled them all down for an hour a week, you'd lose it too. Just… don't talk to me." As I march down into my room and collapse on my bed, curling my knees into my chest, I can't help but note that this is one incident I won't be able to lie about during next week's therapy session.
-0-0-0-
I dial the number almost hesitantly. I know that I can count on Peter to be there for me, but still… it's been awhile since we've addressed this. Even back when I did try to open up to people, he wasn't the first person that I'd go to by a long stretch. I haven't mentioned that last night wasn't as innocent as I made it out to be to Manny or my mom yet, and I know that despite the face he puts on, he's uncomfortable talking about this with me. "Hello?"
"Peter? Hey, it's me…"
"Hey, Em. How are you doing?" He sounds rushed, but I try to ignore it. He's offered more than once to make time for me; I'm his girlfriend, and it's okay to need him. Even if I do detest him half the time, I allow with a healthy shot of guilt.
"Actually, I'm not doing too well right now. Can we… can we meet at the Dot and talk for awhile? There's just some stuff that's been going on…"
"Listen, Emma, I'm sorry, but I don't think that that'll work out. I'm working on editing a couple sequences in the documentary and it's been like hell trying to figure it out." He doesn't sound sorry, but I let it slide. This is important to him; maybe more important than me. And I get that.
"Oh, you're busy," I repeat in a flat voice.
"I guess if you really need to talk…" I hate the hesitance in his voice and I clench my jaw. He can't see the action, of course, but even if he could I doubt that he would understand the significance of the motion; only a few people do.
"No, it's fine. I know that your documentary is taking up a lot of your time. Of course I understand. I just kind of thought that we could talk… It's not really important anyway. Just… just stupid girl stuff."
"Okay, good. Make sure to get breakfast tomorrow, okay?" I roll my eyes and wonder why I'm still dating him. Then I remember: I have no one else. He wants me, and there was a time when I wanted him back; first, really. That should be a good enough reason. Why do I keep fighting the urge to get away from him every time things aren't perfect, then?
"Get some sleep tonight, okay? I don't want you to stay up all night rearranging scenes."
"Bye, Emma. Love you."
"Bye." My voice is clipped, but he doesn't catch it. This time I don't say those words back on purpose.
-0-0-0-
My first impression of the morning is that something's wrong, and then I realize what it is. The lower half of my abdomen is on fire, and the only way that I can lay that doesn't irritate it even more is curled up halfway, not close enough for my legs to touch the rest of me. "Manny," I manage to gasp out. She comes from the bathroom, cheerful and stylishly dressed.
"I was wondering when you would get up. I was about to come out here and jump on you. Now, I was thinking that when we get to the mall we should start at…"
"I'm not going anywhere today. I think I'm starting my period," I groan. She looks at me oddly and shakes her head.
"Emma, you never get PMS."
"Well, apparently I do now," I snap back, groaning again.
"Okay, I'm going to get you some Midol…"
"We don't have any. Snake used the rest of it last week… I think we're out of ibuprofen, too." Manny raises her eyebrows a little and bites her lip.
"Well, do you think you can get up?" I shoot her my best glare and she shuts her mouth quickly. "Okay, no to that. Look, I'll go get you some from the drugstore. Just… take a shower, okay? You look like you could use one. And try not to stand up too straight, that'll just make it worse."
After she's out of the house I manage a five minute shower. Looking in the mirror as I get out, I can see what she meant when she said that I needed one; my eyes are puffy and bloodshot, the corners of my mouth are turned down, and I have a huge zit on the far right side of my forehead. I get dressed in a track suit and a stained t-shirt; no mall for me today. I'm about to blowdry my hair, which is starting to drip onto my shirt, when the doorbell rings. No matter how many times Manny forgets her key and locks herself out of the house, I still don't expect it. I run up the stairs, almost collapsing at the top. When I get to the door I throw it open roughly.
"Manny, what took you so long with that Midol!"
It isn't Manny, though. It's Sean Cameron. He raises his eyebrows and we stare at each other for a moment.
Then I slam the door shut.
-0-0-0-
In five minutes, I manage to change into a pair of jeans and a tank top and get my hair somewhat dry and presentable, covering the zit that I know he's already seen. I make a stab at covering up the circles under my eyes, but it's a lost cause. I take a deep breath before going back upstairs. I'm not even sure if he's still there. Why would he be? I did slam a door in his face, after all. When I open it cautiously, though, he turns around from his perch on the stoop. Sean Cameron is back in Toronto, possibly back at Degrassi. And he's on my porch. "Hey." Way to go, Em! That's possibly the best line to ever come out of your mouth!
"You changed," he says.
"What? Oh, you mean my clothes." He nods and we both avoid each others' eyes for a minute before he smiles. "Sean Cameron, don't you dare laugh! This isn't funny; it's mortifying." His eyes dance and I can't help but smile back.
"I was just thinking of that time in grade seven when you stood up in front of the whole class in those baggy gym shorts and told everyone that you were having your first period, and then later on you passed around a petition to install tampon dispensers in the girls' bathrooms." I cover my face with my hand and we both start to laugh. It's one of those deep, belly laughs that has you struggling to keep from snorting or hee-hawing like a donkey, and I haven't laughed like this in ages. When I bring my hand down, both of us somewhat more composed, he steps toward me tentatively. I'm not sure what he's heard, what he knows about what's happened to me and who I've become, but right now I don't care. I lean in towards him as he slips his arms around me loosely. "It's good to see you," I whisper.
"It's good to be back." He pulls away and we both sit down on the steps, shoulder to shoulder, glancing at each other and then ahead. However embarrassing the situation, there's a certain comfort in just being in his presence, however much we've changed.
"You've grown up a lot," I comment. He nods and smiles.
"I'd like to think in more ways than one. You… you look great, Em." A small pang goes through my chest at the sound of the old nickname coming from his lips. When he says that, it's almost believable for the first time in months.
"Are you here to stay?" I blurt out suddenly. He nods and looks at me, neither of us able to look away as he says it.
"Yeah, I'm back. For better or for worse."
-0-0-0-
I hear the house phone ringing and I jump up from the porch to answer it, smiling when I hear Manny's voice. "Hey, Emma, I kind of got sidetracked. There was an ice cream stand and there was ice cream and… well. I'll be back soon, I promise," she says quickly, and I can almost see her bracing herself for the expected verbal assault from my end. I twist around to look at Sean, who's staring at me from the doorway inquisitively.
"Actually, Manny… I'll be fine. You should go shopping by yourself, okay? I've got some things that I want to do today."
"Okay, Em. You're sounding a lot better. Should I be worried?" I know she's joking, but for a moment I can't help the familiar irritation that creeps up at constantly having my mood monitored by other people.
"No, I'm fine. Look, I might go for a walk later if I'm feeling up to it, so don't be surprised if I'm not here when you get back," I tell her. Sean grins at me and shakes his head, dimples showing.
"Well, if you're sure… I'll see you later." I hang up the phone and he gives me a skeptical glance.
"What was that about? Are you really that scared of telling Manny that I'm back in town?" I shrug my shoulders and walk towards him.
"It's fine with me if you don't want to hang out. I just thought you might want to do something, and I didn't want to be tied up on the phone for half an hour."
"So I'm worth a half-hour conversation?" He inquires. I pause for a moment, knowing that he's gotten me. "A walk sounds good." We set out down the street, in the general direction of the park nearby. I shove my hands in my pockets, a nervous habit I somehow picked up over the summer. It's funny how many nervous ticks you develop when you can't feed your obsession. The silence grows awkward, and I clear my throat.
"How long have you been back?" I ask. He glances over at me and shrugs.
"Only a few days. I have to get my old apartment back and get a job at an auto shop since I've aged out of student welfare. You're the first person that I've come looking for."
"Not Ellie?" It's a stupid thing to say, and I'd sound smug, jealous or both if my tone wasn't so carefully measured, but a part of me bigger than I'm willing to admit has to know. He shakes his head and looks away.
"No. I talked to her on the phone to give her the heads-up… it's not the same, though. I don't think she ever really forgave me for going to Wasaga, and I guess I can't blame her. I ran into Craig a couple days ago and caught up with him. I'm staying with Jay for now. He mentioned that the two of you ran into each other the other day." I can almost feel the fire flashing in my eyes, and it doesn't go unnoticed by Sean, either. "I thought you guys were finally on amicable terms…" he trails off.
"Yeah, well, that didn't last long," I grind out. At his raised eyebrows I bite my lip. "Things were bad for all of us after you left," I finally say. I know that he'll accept that, and it's all that I can say right now, when I'm still sure that if I so much as reach out to touch him he'll disappear entirely. I still can't get over the physical differences in him; I wasn't lying when I said that he'd grown up. We're quiet for a moment before he speaks.
"I know that a lot of people are pissed off at me for leaving, but it helped… a lot. Things just would have gotten worse for me if I'd stayed."
"I never blamed you for leaving," I say softly. Something ignites in his eyes, and he smiles at me for a moment, making my breath hitch.
"I know. I think you're the only one who understood."
"Me understanding you is definitely a first," I say with a laugh. The moment is too loaded for me, and I'm feeling things that I haven't felt in ages and shouldn't be feeling, not with him. Somehow I can't seem to escape it, though, as he reaches out and grasps my hand.
"You understand more than you realize. More than anyone else did." I have to fight back tears, and I can feel the panic rising in me. This isn't supposed to be happening. Everything is under control in my life for the first time in awhile; everything is ordered and neat. Even the problems are all clearly defined and solved. A tear slips down my cheek. How is it that talking to Sean, who I haven't seen in two years and have been over for almost as long, can change everything so quickly? I know why, though, even if I won't admit it. He reaches out with his free hand to touch the side of my face but I pull away quickly. "Em, what's wrong?"
"I… I'm not who you think I am, okay? I've changed, so much that I don't even know who I am half the time. I'm recovering from an eating disorder and I have a boyfriend who Manny can't even stand to be in the same room with; I can barely stand to be in the same room with him some days. I'm really glad that you're back, but I just… I'm not the person that you want me to be." I try to untangle our fingers and run away, but he won't give up that easily.
"Emma, just wait. What the hell are you talking about?"
"What part did you not hear, the eating disorder part or the boyfriend part?" I grind out, mad now. "Look, will you just let go of my hand?" Instead he holds on more tightly and wipes away the tears on my face. Without a moment's hesitation he pulls me into a hug. The last time that I hugged him like this was under completely different circumstances, ones I'd rather not remember. I can't even remember the last time I've let someone hold me. I wrap my arms around his waist and rest my head on his shoulder.
"Emma, whatever's happened, it doesn't change what I think of you. It doesn't change us." My mind screams at me to move, but it's impossible for my feet to comply. Deep down I know it's because I don't want to move out of his arms, although I'd never admit it. Finally, after what feels like hours, I take in a deep breath and step back. He studies me for a moment. "Are you okay?" I nod, trying not to look into his eyes. He always could tell when I was lying.
"Let's sit down for a minute." We head towards the park, which I can't remember walking to for some reason. When we've sat down he looks at me again, and this time I don't try to look away. What's the use?
"So you have an eating disorder…?" I shrug and fiddle with the edge of my jacket.
"Yeah. They weren't really sure how to classify me at the hospital… I'd go a couple days without eating and then I'd binge and purge. That was in the spring. I've been in therapy once a week all summer, and you know… people watch me to make sure I'm not relapsing." I'm surprised by the note of bitterness in my voice, but I can tell from the way that his eyes look as they hold mine that Sean isn't. He reaches out for my hand again and I take it, letting our fingers twine together. It doesn't mean anything, I tell myself. He knows that I have a boyfriend. I know that he doesn't have those feelings for me, that even if he did there's too much he'd find out about me that would ruin things. Despite this, I can't help the familiar thrill that races up my spine.
"It must be hard." I gaze at him for a moment and then drop my eyes again, trying to collect my thoughts. Everything is swirling around in my head, and all that I can think is that Sean, who's been through so much, isn't condemning me or judging me. If anyone has a right to, it's him; instead, he understands somehow. Not the eating disorder itself, maybe, but how it feels to be locked in a cage inside of yourself even when you're surrounded by the people that you love. I can see something in his eyes, and for a moment I wonder if he's thinking the same thing that people always think; that I'm a freak, or that I'm weak and chemically imbalanced for having gotten to this place.
"It's okay. Most people are pretty weirded out… and it must be difficult for you. I'm not the girl that you expected me to be. You're probably disappointed," I babble, trying to justify his feelings when I don't even know what those feelings are.
"I'm not disappointed, Emma. I just… it hurts to know that you did that to yourself."
"What else was I supposed to do?" I realize how stupid it sounds the moment that it's out of my mouth, how wrong it is, but I keep on going. It's been fighting its way out of me for months now, and Sean's the only person that I trust with it, strangely enough. "I had no one to go to, to talk to. Manny wasn't there that day. She didn't understand; not really. My parents were so devastated they couldn't even piece together that it had actually happened. Toby was a wreck and didn't talk about it with anyone, and you… I couldn't call you. After what happened with Jay things went even further downhill, and I felt like everyone was judging me. Then Spike and Snake separated for awhile, and… I just had to control something. No matter how little I ate, though, things just kept spinning even more wildly out of control. What else was I supposed to do?" I demand, drawing in a deep breath. He frowns and his chin juts out.
"You could have called. Even if you didn't think so… I would have been down here as fast as I could if I knew that you needed me." We're both silent for a moment, and then he pulls away and looks at me. "What happened with you and Jay?" Another wave of tears come on and I realize that this is going to be the final straw. It'll send him over the edge; the one unforgivable thing. Being broken wouldn't be irreconcilable so long as I'm still pure, still his Emma. But I'm not. And I've never wanted to be that girl more than I do now.
"It was awhile after you left… he invited me down to the ravine. He'd been coming onto me for a few weeks, maybe more, and after awhile, I decided what the hell. I went and… we hooked up a couple of times, no more. He gave me gonorrhea. That was the end of it." At first his face pales and he looks at me with disbelief, but then his face takes on a blank expression. The anger hiding in the depth of his eyes in unmistakable, and I hate that it's directed towards me; hate that I deserve it. He walks away for a moment and my shoulders droop. Maybe it's better if we just don't speak again anyway. He turns around and comes back, though.
"What the hell were you thinking? You went down on Jay!" Out of the corner of my eye I can see a mom steering her four-year-old daughter away from us, shooting back a curious glance. Suddenly it clicks, and I know how to make him understand. He has to understand this; it's the only way I can think of to tell him why.
"Remember when you went back to Wasaga?" I ask quietly.
"No, I don't, Emma. I mean, that was only two fucking years of my life! What the hell does that have to do with this, anyway?" he practically screams.
"You said that I understood, and I did! You needed to be away from here because everyone stared at you in the halls and the people who should've been your support system didn't understand like you needed them too. Well guess what, Sean? I needed to be away from it all, too! But I couldn't. And you know what? Jay wanted me, and he wasn't going to leave the moment I became a pain in the ass or point a gun at my head if I rejected him. Sure, he probably would have found someone else to fool around with if I wasn't there. But when I was in that van I didn't have to be me. I wasn't with Manny and JT and Toby or trying not to notice stares in the hallways; I wasn't waking up from a nightmare in my bed; I wasn't even in that van with Jay! I was just away from it all. It was stupid. And there were consequences, okay? But I'm not perfect!" I walk towards him and look him in the eye, trying to see what he's feeling and to let him see what I'm feeling for the first time all day. It scares me to death, but somehow I manage to hold eye contact. "I'm not perfect. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not. And no matter how hard I keep on trying to get back to perfect, I can't do it. I've already damaged myself too much." He looks like he's about to cry, I realize. I'm not quite sure how to react, but I'm pretty sure that if I was to try to touch him he'd pull away, and I can't take the rejection.
"No, you're not. You never were, but you were… you were Emma. You still are. I need to go. I can't do this right now." He pulls away and I reach for his arm, missing it by an inch.
"Sean, don't leave yet! Look, please don't go looking for Jay. I made my own decisions." He doesn't pay any attention to me, and I watch him walk away. Last time it felt like I was leaving him behind, driving away as one small tear dripped down his face. I'd thought that it was the worst feeling in the world. Now I know that I was wrong.