A/N: Yes, in two minutes you'll all be thinking "you wait over a month to post an update, and when you do it's this piece of crap?!" I know, I know, it's all over the place, some stuff completely fluffy, some completely pointless, and then some weird random melodrama thrown in. My only excuse it that I had been trying to wait until I felt like I could give you guys a chapter that you deserved and working through writer's block, and then I just said "screw that," and this was the product. No, I can't guarantee another update soon (although I can guarantee an update period). I can guarantee that I have fallen in love with writing these characters and this ship all over again. And on a side note – please visit my profile if you have the time. I have some interesting info about pending projects there.
"I feel like I need to ask someone to pinch me," I confess to Manny, brushing my hair in the mirror. It's only a few strokes followed by ten minutes of staring into space, the same as I've been doing for the past forty-five minutes; it still hasn't grown old. "It's like we understand each other so completely because we have so much history, but at the same time I feel like I'm getting to know him all over again." My best friend's smirk and suggestive glance is enough for her to say "getting to know each other again, indeed."
"You're just lucky that I gave you two warning before Spike and Snake interrupted that little makeout session of yours. I mean, honestly, Em; Jack could've walked in. That would have been some introduction to his future brother-in-law," she complains. Even the obligatory eye roll I send in her direction can't put a damper on my mood.
"I miss him already. How silly is that?" I confide conspiratorially. Manny smiles and jumps on her bed, beckoning to me to join her. As soon as I settle in next to her, she starts braiding my hair the same way we always do when one of us is talking about boys.
"You two are like this inseparable entity when you're together. It's nausea-inducing. I mean, did you even hear the two of you explaining your reunion to Spike and Snake? Finishing each other's sentences, sharing these intense, happy and teary looks… I would be incredibly jealous if I wasn't so relieved that it finally happened," she groans. I bat at her blindly.
"Did you see my mom's face? It was like she couldn't even take it in," I say, recalling mom's expression upon walking into the kitchen to see me and Sean leaning against the counter, arms around each other and me leaning into his chest.
"Well, sorry if the rest of us can't keep up with the ever-changing state of the Sean and Emma saga," she teases me, and when I twist around and get a view of her dimples I know that she's really happy for me, regardless of how much flack she's giving me.
"Do you think it was a mistake to not just come right out with the L word?" I ask her nervously. It's a thought that's been plaguing me ever since Sean left; even now that I have the security of knowing that I won't be running out of time to tell him anywhere in the foreseeable future, I still feel like the words are poised to jump off my tongue as soon as I see him again.
"He knows," Manny assures me softly, brushing out the loose braid she started moments ago. "The same way I knew before Craig even opened his mouth when we were saying goodbye. There isn't ever a perfect moment to say it, but you and Sean will find your own special moment."
After we're both back in bed, I think of the first time I realized I loved Sean. It had been that day so long ago on the beach at my parents' reception, dancing and kissing and too shy to look into each others' eyes. That was probably my decision, I realize now. I had been scared senseless, realizing that the feelings I harbored for that boy were more than just an innocent crush that would fade as soon as the next Craig Manning or Chris Sharpe came along. A better part of an evening had been spent trying to convince myself that it was just physical attraction; Sean and I were too young for anything remotely close to love. The knowledge had bloomed somewhere deep inside me regardless.
It's amazing that only now have I finally admitted the truth to myself.
-0-0-0-
At about three AM my cell phone rings, and when I lean over and see the caller ID I smile slightly. "Hey, you," I whisper, trying not to wake Manny up.
"Sorry to call so late. I just couldn't get to sleep," he says, and I smile.
"I know the feeling. I was wondering whether or not to call you, but I figured that between the job interview you're getting ready for tomorrow and that calculus quiz, we both needed all the sleep we could get."
"I guess that's not happening anytime soon," he says, and I laugh softly. "I wish I could be there with you," he says after a moment. The idea of Sean lying down next to me, arms encircling my waist and lips touching my neck, is so strong that a shiver goes down my spine. I've missed the unique cocktail of thrill, desire, and comfort that comes from physical contact with Sean.
"You could always come over and sneak in through the basement window. It would be like old times," I suggest, my voice teasing.
"Nah. Just hearing your voice is good enough," Sean says. I can feel myself slowly melting into a puddle.
"Feeling sleepy yet?" I say, hoping that he says no so that I have any excuse to hear his voice. My eyelids give in to gravity despite my best intentions. I let loose a loud yawn.
"Well, I'd say from that yawn you're more than ready to go to bed," he remarks.
"Don't hang up," I plead quickly.
"Okay," he says, and I hear the steady inhale and exhale of his breath.
"Do you still like double cheese pizza?" I ask after awhile, my voice soft with exhaustion. I can almost hear him smiling through the phone.
"I practically breathe it. What about you? Are you still completely crazy about the food court's veggie burgers?" I laugh lightly. Come to think of it, I haven't had one of those in the longest time… they always remind me of Sean.
"Nah. I think that being thrown out after this valiant guy I was there with dug through the trash to find the wallet that was in my purse kind of ruined the experience for me. I still adore Snake's vegetarian lasagna, though. I think it's actually gotten better over the years, if that's even possible." I rationalize all of the reasons why this slight lie doesn't quite count; after all, back when I appreciated food this would have been true. We're quiet for a while, and then Sean's gravelly whisper tickles my ear.
"I think I'm going to go to sleep now. Do you mind if I stay on the line?" he asks.
"Mmm," I mutter, drifting into dreams of my own. When I wake up in the morning, my battery is dead and there's a red rectangular indentation on my right cheek. I touch it gently with my hand, smiling as if it proves something. Maybe, I think, it does.
-0-0-0-
"Crap! I can't believe I forgot." Sean looks at me quizzically as I lean my head onto the dashboard of his car and bring my hands up to my temples. "I have therapy after school today. My counselor has some thing on Thursday with her son or something, and she didn't have any other appointments open… and I have no way to get there and a huge test I have to study for tonight," I explain, stopping long enough to let out a groan.
"Oh, that's right. I thought I saw a post-it note on the bathroom mirror this morning, but I figured that it wasn't important and threw it in the trash… sorry," Manny says from the backseat. I turn around and we have a five second conversation with our eyes before she breaks the silence to say, "Come on, Em! You leave those up to remind yourself that we need new toothpaste! I didn't have all the reason in the world to believe that it might actually be something you needed to remember." She does have a point.
"Why don't I drive you?" Sean asks. I wonder if he even heard the word therapy come out of my mouth. Sean playing the emotionally unavailable boyfriend is nothing new; dealing with this change in his character has blood rushing through my ears for some reason.
"Well, that's fine," I say slowly, "but you know, I can just walk. It's really not that big of a deal. Didn't you say something about setting up an interview with the mechanic Joey employs today after school?" Joey's "previously loved" cars aren't always in tip-top condition, so he has to get someone to look them over and fix anything seriously wrong; conveniently enough, Sean knows cars better than I know the number of calories in a serving of key lime yogurt.
"My interview isn't until four. Besides, I want to be there for you," he tells me, and I smile nervously. If he wants to "be there" for me, this would be the logical place to start.
"Okay," I agree, and he grins at me obliviously. When his hand reaches out to cover my own, I take the opportunity to lean my head against his shoulder and tune out the voices in the back of my head telling me what an awful idea this is. We have just started dating again, after all. This doesn't feel like the truth, though, and I know that if there is anyone I'd want to see me after a particularly taxing hour of self evaluation, it would be Sean. He isn't going anywhere this time. He's told me this. "Okay," I repeat, cementing it as fact in my head. A new, infantile faith washes over me. Whether I believe Sean's words, I believe that he believes them. That's more than enough for now.
-0-0-0-
"Emma, will you please just talk to me?" Peter pleads, running to keep up with my long gait.
"There isn't all that much left to say, is there?" I retort. My voice is terse, and I don't bother shifting my eyes to take him in. "You took advantage of my best friend while you were still dating me and then relied on Manny's overprotective streak to cover your own hide. Mix that in with the fact that five seconds before you assumed that I wanted to have sex with you I was about to tell you that I'm in love with Sean—"
"Wait, since when are you in love with Sean?" Peter says. "Are you sure this isn't some anorexic thing where you're trying to manipulate everyone in the situation?"
"That would be funny if it wasn't so unfair and uncalled for," I reply testily before ducking into Snake's classroom for MI. Unfortunately, I seem to have forgotten the fact that Peter is right behind me.
"Emma, I'm sorry. That's not how I meant it. It's just, this has kind of all hit me really suddenly, you know? You break up with me, you're in love with Sean, Manny is mad at me…" When I look at him, the shiner on his eye ruins the effect of his self-pitying expression and makes it seem more staged than genuine.
"Are you actually complaining about girl problems with my best friend? Besides, I'd hardly classify Manny being mad at you as a recent development."
"What is spineless, changes colors at the drop of a hat, and preys on the defenseless? No, it's not an octopus, ladies and gentlemen; it's our very own Peter Stone!" Manny exclaims breezily, entering the classroom and flashing me a smile. We link arms and walk to our seats. His gaze, irritated and sad and just a bit desperate, follows us across the classroom. "You really need to learn to stop harassing people of superior intellect," she comments innocently. Sean slips into his seat two rows away from us just as the bell rings.
"Still making it by the skin of your teeth, I see. Some things never change," Snake states, grinning easily. There's a new spring to his step this morning. I'm tempted to catch his eye and let him see that he's not the only one with a weight lifted from his shoulders, but he's already busied with roll call and a few of Heather Sinclair's note passing extensions. "Okay, today we're going to be talking about…"
"So with all of the drama last night, I didn't get a chance to ask you how your call with Craig went," I whisper, glancing at her eagerly. To my disappointment, she just shrugs her shoulders sadly.
"There's not a whole lot to say. He only had three minutes to talk before heading off for a sound check. He wasn't himself; and Emma, I think… I think I heard a girl's voice in the background?" She phrases it as an inquiry, as if she's hoping that I'll disclaim the idea or say something to make her doubt its validity.
"Do you really think that Craig would cheat on you, after all that the two of you have been through together?" I ask her in a slightly bored tone of voice. I see Sean, frowning as he focuses intensely on Snake's lesson, and wonder again how rare it is that Manny and I are actually in happy relationships at the same time. It's as good an excuse as any for her sudden wariness.
"He cheated on Ashley with me," she says quietly, and the old guilt and doubt in her voice make me want to reach over and hug her right here and now.
"That was years ago," I assure her, touching her arm ever so slightly when I'm sure that Snake's attention is focused elsewhere. "This is the same boy who said that you're it for him, Manny. Everything will work itself out." She still doesn't seem completely convinced, but the frown lines on her face smooth out gradually, and by the end of the period she's smiling at my stupid joke about cafeteria food.
-0-0-0-
"Okay, so you just take a right and drive past the hospital, and there's this set of buildings that her office is tucked away in, and…" Emma babbled on, completely unaware of Sean's stifled laughter. Her forehead was creased slightly, and her eyes had taken on the tragic, deer-in-the-headlights look they only got when she was wound too tightly.
"Is this what you put Spike through every Thursday?" he asked. She punched his shoulder, harder than either of them had expected. A small gasp worked its way out of her mouth.
"Oh my god, I'm so sorry. I just, I get really nervous when I talk to people about therapy, and obviously this is even more drastic than that and I just… I feel like I'm scaring you away without giving you a chance to see the positives in this situation," she confessed. "Oh, this is the parking lot that you're supposed to turn into." After Sean had brought the car to a halt, he turned to Emma and kissed her soundly.
"Being with you is more than enough incentive to stay. Besides, I had to do the whole therapy thing when I first came to live with Tracker, remember? They tried to teach me anger management." He was tempted to add 'and look how that worked out,' but saying as much might have made the moment more awkward for his already frazzled girlfriend. Her long, smooth fingers touched his bare arm. Apparently she had picked up her old habit of reading his mind effortlessly.
"It did, Sean. I see a difference in you," Emma replied honestly. On an impulse he leaned forward to kiss her again, more slowly this time. As they made their way toward the building, he remembered that Emma's encouragement, never given unless she genuinely meant what she said, was one of the things that he had missed so much about her.
Once in the waiting room, Emma walked up to the front desk and wrote her name down on a sheet of paper, greeting the secretary in hushed tones and smiling before coming back over to him. "I should have told you to bring your homework in. We'll be here awhile." Sean studied her as she flipped lazily through a magazine. The folds of denim at the knee of her jean touched against his, and the insignificant contact made it hard to form coherent thoughts. He reached over and gently massaged the back of her neck. Her eyes closed and he felt her breathing even out and deepen slightly as the corners of her mouth turned up in a faint grin. The door hinges creaked.
"Emma, I'm ready for you." She jumped to attention at the voice. Sean studied the woman intently, failing to see whatever was making Emma tense so much.
"I'll be back in a little bit, okay?" she said, kissing his cheek before standing up and making her way over to the door. As her smooth, curved lips brushed again his cheek, he felt the urge to reach out and hold her by him for just a moment more. The feeling passed, and he smiled at her retreating figure until she disappeared from view.
-0-0-0-
I'm still trying to recover from having my therapist walk in on my small, intimate moment with Sean when we sit down in her office. "So how are you, Emma?" Her smile is warm, and it helps me forget the blush still burning my face.
"I'm doing great, actually. You, uh, probably noticed the guy out there. That's my boyfriend Sean."
"You mentioned him last week," she recalls, leaning forward. "Did something happen with Peter?" I consider my next words carefully, not wanting to be trapped by an unintentional comment or two. I finally settle on a happy medium.
"Peter wanted something that I couldn't give him, and he had been treating Manny badly… the whole situation just kind of spiraled out of control. And Sean was there for me. My knight in shining armor," I joke. Her eyes give away the smile her mouth tries to conceal. "I know that you're probably going to tell me that it's a recipe for codependency and give me a multitude of reasons why this won't work out…"
"Emma," she stops me gently. "Don't be so quick to put your guard up. People can surprise you. Like Sean did," she supplies. Emotion fills my eyes and spills over in the form of tears I hadn't realized I needed to shed, and I nod my head.
"Yeah, like Sean."
-0-0-0-
When I come back out to the waiting room, Sean is tapping his foot against the bland grey carpeting and reading a pamphlet about bipolar disorder, his eyebrows practically reaching his hairline. "Don't tell me that you're thinking of joining the mental disorder club?" I tease. "Between Craig and me, our little circle has just about as many crazies as it can take."
"The only thing I'm crazy about is you," he replies. Warm blue eyes meet mine. I help him to a standing position, our hands clasping before he leans in and kisses me gently. Before the kiss can deepen I pull a breath's width away, clearing my throat and smiling at him mischievously.
"We should probably move this to a less public area." His eyes widen for a moment and then he nods quickly, taking my hand and practically dragging me out of the office and to the elevator. As soon as the doors shut behind us we crash together. It's with wonder that I realize that his chest, firm beneath my fingers, and his lips, swollen with kissing, feel like extremities of my own body. The heat curling in my belly becomes more insistent when his hands grip the back of my waist, slowly moving under my shirt. The perfect moment is broken by the elevator's imperfect timing. The loudest of chimes give a resounding "ding" as the doors open up to a familiar redhead. I expect Sean to jump away from me like he's been burned, but instead he stays frozen in mid motion, apparently as unsure of what to do as I am.
"Hey, Ellie," he finally chokes out. "Long time no see." After she recovers from giving us a stare withering enough to crack a diamond, she nods and scuffles her feet miserably.
"Do you have an internship here?" I finally venture. It seems like a fairly safe question; the safest that could be asked in such a situation.
"No, I have a counseling appointment that I'm actually late for." Even if I can't sympathize with the shorter girl, I can empathize with her need to escape the situation and gently tug on Sean's arm. Thankfully it's enough to snap him out of his daze, and the two of us walk quickly out of the elevator. Before the doors can close and we're a safe distance away, I notice the discomfort in Sean's eyes.
"Go, talk to her," I urge. Even from this vantage point it's obvious that they didn't leave things on the best of terms, and unresolved relationships usually don't bode well for current ones. Rosa would be so proud that I'm learning from past mistakes (although, reflecting on this, not resolving things with Sean might have been the best mistake I ever made).
"Are you sure?" he asks.
"Just come back to me," I say, proud of the false confidence in my mind.
"You know I'll always come back to you," he answers, kissing me swiftly before going for the stairs. I start adding up figures in my head, trying to figure out how many minutes of impatience I should take with a grain of salt before getting worried. It's rather anticlimactic how five minutes pass like, well, five minutes. As he reappears, the remnants of an embarrassed grin on his face, I'm almost afraid to ask how things went.
"So…" I trail off. He wraps his arm around my waist, leading me towards the exit in a way that only he could pull off without coming across as possessive.
"Well, we'll certainly never be best friends, but we should be able to avoid any more awkward public run-ins," he answers decisively, looking thoughtful for a moment. "It's funny how easy things have been today. It's like everything is settling into place for us."
"It took long enough," I note, running a hand over the stubble on his chin. I'm unsure of whether I'm referring to his talk with Ellie, the statement he made seconds ago, or something unknown. When we finally get to the car, I lean back against the headrest and close my eyes at the sudden onslaught of exhaustion that nearly overtakes me. "Okay, come back to my place so that I can iron out your dress shirt, and then you can drive to your interview." Listing these things off makes me feel a little bit better, a little more in control. "If you want to, you can come over after. I'm sure my mom wouldn't mind setting another place for dinner."
"Oh, actually… I kind of promised Angie that I would play dress-up with her." A flush captures his cheeks, and I smile faintly.
"She may have a little trouble getting her pink tutu over your hips," I consider, laughing at the mortified expression on his face. "Relax. She'll probably just want to parade in front of you and hear how beautiful she is. I swear, if she doesn't settle for cheerleading captain that girl is going to be a supermodel." I'm surprised by how easily we fall into this familiar rhythm. The only other person that I love making idle chatter with is Manny, and most of the time the two of us only do it to avoid silence. With the exception of my cause platforms, I've never been much of a talker. The stray musing somehow pulls at a deeply hidden fear and makes me stop talking completely, hardly even hearing Sean's words.
"Em? You there?" I have no idea how long it takes for him to get my attention, but the slight worry in his eyes is enough to alarm me. I usher him inside, giving him the expected pep talk as I set to work on the lone button-down shirt in his wardrobe. I know it's unfair of me to take advantage of his nerves and go through the motions, but a part of me that I can't seem to fight has already made up my mind for me.
-0-0-0-
You fat cow. Hot tears of anger mar the piece of notebook paper, and when I can't bear to look at it in disgust anymore I crumple it up and throw it to the other side of the room. So many calories. So many servings. So much fat. And those are just the things I can remember eating over the last few days. The wheels in my head spin furiously. If I wake up early enough tomorrow morning, I'll probably be able to jog to Degrassi and then double back and go to the park. I can say that I brought breakfast with me and needed some air to clear my head; Manny will be too irritated at not getting my expected wake-up call to notice the difference, and Spike will already be gone with Jack. Two miles is next to nothing with all that I've been eating, but it's a start at least. For now, all I can do is try to contain the damage. After a quick jog up the basement stairs and a furtive glance out of the door, I make my way back down to the bathroom and shut the door tightly behind me.
Thanks To:
Any and all ghost readers. Over the past few exhausting days, I have gained new respect for you, and believe me, reviews or no, you guys rock!
Samitiny – Dagnabbit, I was trying to put together a special one-shot Cranny present for you over the holidays, but it fell apart. Anyway, I'm not sure about Craig's romantic future at this point – I'm not even sure that he'll be reappearing. Knowing him and knowing me, though, he'll definitely pop up.
Danyu – Thanks for the kind words . Yes, despite WIFLTBAG, Craig will always be my favorite manwhore. It's just too bad the writers had to go and make him a cokehead.
Degrassiseanemma – I love your SN. And thanks for the kind words.
MHxxPAPERDOLL
BeautifulxDreamer – Your review made my Christmas. And you kick , too! ;)
Lilangel81
Stormsandsins – Have I mentioned that I love that you give me more than one or two line reviews? 'Cause I do. And knowing my tastes, I probably would like snails if I actually tried them. It's just a matter of if I ever psyche myself up enough to do it. Yeah, Craig does deserve what's coming to him. By trying to satisfy both Cranny and Crellie fans in WIFLTBAG, the writers just made Craig look like a huge, drug addicted ass. Too bad Jake Epstein isn't a regular anymore, and Craig won't be worming his way back into my good graces.