A/N: Okay. Yes, it's a long time between updates. Or I haven't updated in MONTHS. I know. I'm a bad little bunny. :( But life has a way of just...being life and getting in the way. (growl) I have (finally) come up with an idea for the next chapter of One Bad Week. If it wasn't 4am, I'd probably try to write some on it. But I will be trying to get a new chapter up for that soon. I make no promises, though. Thank you all for being so patient with me! (many hugs)

The idea presented in this story is simply a parody, and is not meant to be a true statement of how anyone feels. What people think, how they feel, and who they love is completely up to them. But if you've ever met a "MANLY" man...(snicker)

Chapter 8: First Kiss

They had taken a vote, between the three of them, and had reached one unanimous conclusion:

This was so stupid.

It wasn't just the fact that they were stuck in the middle of no where, the map having been destroyed in the latest attack way of demons that ambushed them so suddenly; or that their youngest companion was currently in la-la land, a product courtesy of the demon horde's 'leader', an odd woman who did more maniacal laughing than talking. No, after all they had beaten and bludgeoned every member of this latest demonic playgroup into a bloody pulp, including their tickled leader.

No, what made the entire situation so endearingly stupid, was the fact that said leader had somehow managed to sprinkle some kind of very strange dust on Goku, causing the teen to fall over and into a sleep deep enough to rival that of most corpses.

And like most evil enemies, the woman had been kind enough, or stupid as was Sanzo's opinion on the matter every time they met up with someone like her, to explain that the dust was 'magical' and there was only one thing that could be done to break the spell and wake Goku up.

Once she announced the answer, even Hakkai was contemplating just letting Goku sleep.

Apparently the powers that be, i.e. the group's bitter enemies (or Dr. Nii, notorious for watching everything they do), had been paying attention and had finally decided that sending mass waves of demons at the group was becoming redundant and pointless. So they had taken to hiring demons that were either insanely smart or, in the case of this last one, just insane.

Lucky them.

On the outside it might have seemed like a really stupid plan. But anyone who has ever been around a group of straight men will tell you that the underlying genius of the idea could not be overlooked. Call it pride, fear of the unknown, or just plain male stupidity, but one fact of nature remains that most men will nod their head and declare, YES that's RIGHT.

This fact is?

Men do not kiss other men.

At least straight men don't.

And any straight man that has ever been in a situation to have his side of the fence put into doubt will tell you that in the heat of the moment, you'll say anything to try to convince people otherwise. Not that there's anything wrong with…'it', as most men will put it, simply because they, for reasons science can't even determine yet, have a hard time actually vocalizing this state of being that they so profusely deny belonging to, while at the same time try so hard not to look like they're against it.

Weirdoes.

So here they stood, three straight men and a dragon, arguing over who was going to do the honor of kissing the slumbering monkey in order to wake him up. Most people would wonder why they didn't just hop in the jeep and drive to the next town and hire a woman to kiss the teen. That would be a fantastic idea…. except the map was destroy, remember? Hakkai, being the resourceful chap that he can be at times, was trying not to pay much attention to the fight going on between Sanzo and Gojyo, and was instead trying to re-create the map in his head.

It wasn't going very well. All he could remember was that it was west…kind of a 'duh zen' moment really, since that's the only direction they ever travel; and that the next town was several days away. Which, of course, opens a plot hole big enough to drive a Mack truck through when you think about it: just let Goku sleep until they get there, right?

That would work, if it weren't for that nasty little time limit.

Time limit you ask? What time limit?

Ahh, apparently someone out there…(again, one must wonder if Nii was behind this)…seemed to have known such arguments were sure to occur, and therefore placed a wonderful time limit on the 'magical dust'. Three hours. Three little hours to kiss the monkey and wake him up or he sleeps for all eternity.

The men had, up to this point, been arguing for two.

No more plot holes. Beautiful.

"Look, you're his keeper right? You're responsible for his well-being and all, YOU kiss him!"

"For the last time…I...DO…NOT…KISS."

"Aww, come on tight ass little monk-"

"If you're so eager to have the idiot up again why don't YOU kiss him?"

"Forget it, my kisses are for the ladies…."

"Feh. That last little 'hottie' you picked up sure didn't look all that much like a lady to me."

"I was drunk you bastard!"

"No excuse."

"Why I outta-"

CLICK.

"Outta what?"

"Nothing."

And so it goes on, such as it had for the past two hours. Now one might begin to wonder, as this entire scenario might have you doing, what is Hakkai doing?

Hakkai, for all intents and purposes, has slipped off into another world. Thinking about one subject for too long has a tendency to warp one's mind and suck you into a never-ending world of oddities, which usually includes dancing fruit and tutu covered hippos.

So he was pretty much out of it.

Not that anyone else has noticed, being too busy defending their feeble clutch onto straight-hood and denying that even the prospect of saving a companion's life would be enough motivation to stray a single finger over the imaginary fence.

And Goku?

He's sleeping, remember? Duh. But if he had an opinion on the matter, by this point he'd be yelling at the two idiots who are arguing, stating he doesn't care if a cow kisses him so long as he gets to eat soon.

The whole 'man' thing hasn't kicked in yet, despite five hundred years. So if it had been anyone else in his position, it'd be safe to say they would have been kissed and up long before now.

But it's not. So it goes on.

"Stubborn idiotic monk! We're running out of time! Why don't you just kiss the monkey and get this over with already?"

"Why should I?"

"Oh my God…you're like a little kid!"

"And you're any better? Do you have any idea how long you spend in front of a mirror every day?"

"What's that got to do with anything?"

"You're like a drama queen getting primped up!"

"So? Gotta look good for the ladies man."

"Just the ladies?"

"God damn it! I said I was DRUNK!"

"Yeah. Keep talking, kappa."

So while Gojyo continues to defend his 'ladies man' status, and Sanzo continues to egg the red-head on; mostly because he's Sanzo and Gojyo's Gojyo and this is just how the world works, Hakkai has since come out of his stupor and managed, in his Hakkai-ish way, to figure out what's been happening in the past two hours and forty-five minutes that he was in never-never land.

"Er, guys?"

"Besides, it's not like you have a reputation to uphold! You're a monk! No one expects you to get laid!"

"Guys?"

"Exactly my point. I have rules to uphold. Celibacy is one of them."

This shut everyone up for a few minutes.

That is, until Hakkai and Gojyo both fell to the ground in hysterical bouts of laughter.

"What the hell is so funny?"

Hakkai, being a bit more tactful…and be it noted 'a BIT', managed to speak first.

"Y-you? Upholding rules?"

That was about all he managed to say before rejoining Gojyo in laughing-til-they-cried and then laughing some more. This, needless to say, just pissed the blond monk off.

But what else is new?

So after a few minutes, and various colorful threats from Sanzo and his gun, the two youkai managed to reduce their mirth to sporadic chuckles and stood up. Hakkai then glanced at his watch…he has a watch...just roll with it…and noted one very disturbing fact.

"Umm..guys? We have about ten seconds to figure this out."

"WHAT!"

"That's it! Quit being so damn stubborn and kiss the monkey!"

"Why me!"

"Do you want to face the Three Aspects and tell them one of the people they specifically asked to have on this journey can't continue because his master refused to save him over something as simple as one little kiss?"

Sanzo was at a loss for words. Mostly because that incredibly long and logical explanation had just come from Gojyo; but mostly because he was right. So, turning with out a word he stormed to Goku and…

"Sanzo I'm hungry!"

Blink.

Blink blink.

"What the hell?"

Goku stood up, looking no worse the wear, and gave the three very agitated, very confused people in front of him a confused look of his own.

"What?"

"How did you-"

"When did you-"

"What in the hell just happened?"

Goku shrugged. "I woke up. About an hour ago."

Without another word the little monkey walked past the three, picked through Hakkai's pack until he found several meat buns hidden there and started eating.

While Gojyo attempted to keep a raging Sanzo from killing the newly awoke monkey, Hakkai calmly walked over and sat down next to Goku.

"If you've been awake for the last hour, why didn't you say something?"

Swallowing loudly, Goku grinned. "I tried, but they were arguing so loud they didn't hear me, so I figured I'd just wait until they decided who would kiss me until I tried again."

Finally regaining his normal air of tranquility…yes…that's a joke…Sanzo walked over and smacked his charge up side the head.

"OW!"

"Who kissed you?"

"Huh?"

THWACK

"DAMN IT, SANZO!"

"I said WHO kissed you?"

Goku blinked, processed the question and then smiled. "Oh yeah. Thank Hakuryu."

"Kyuu!"

The little white dragon flew down and perched on Hakkai's shoulder as Gojyo and Sanzo face-faulted to the ground.

The moral lesson here?

It's Saiyuki. Moral lessons are not included.

Just cheeky little white dragons that are secure enough in their own masculinity to kiss another man.

(-end chapter-)