Skip to Orthanc where Saruman is standing looking imperial.
The Crabirds fly past…
Saruman: Ahhh my flying pretties have returned, what have they brought for me?
Crabirds drop Pippins foot and it falls fast, smacking Saruman in the side of the head.
Saruman: Ouch! You stupid little sideways walking-flying crustaceans with wings!! I will eat the lot of you for wizards day..
Crabirds drop another foot which stamps Saruman on the toe.
Saruman starts hopping around on one foot, and accidentally slips…he falls into a pit of lava (insert bridge of death screams here)
Lurtz: And so ends Saruman.
Everyone: YAY!!
Beer appears out of no where and everyone starts dancing
Saruman crawls up the cliff ledge to find a huge party going on.
Saruman: Get back to work you slackers!
Everyone: groan!!!!
Switch to bottom of Caradhas where Gollum opens a sack that is lying on the ground and screams in a gurgly voice.
Gollum: Nooooooo my crackers, they've gone! They've gone. Nooo crackerssssss!!
Pippin awakes with a start, the fellowship sit starting at the door.
Sam: Here Mr Frodo, have some mellon.
(Door opens)
Gimli: How did you know that?
Sam looks innocent
Sam: Lucky guess
Gimli: I remember a while back Moria was cleansed of all its food by a creature from the outside. A creature no-one had ever seen before….
Sam: I don't know what you're talking about (flashback to childhood memory) Sam comes walking down path outside of Bagend, extremely fat and decked in jewels and gold so much that he looks like Ali-G.
Young Frodo: Hey Sam, where'd you get the good grub?
Sam throws away chicken bone
Sam: Oh, uh, um. Nowhere sly look
Sam: (in present) I've never been here before.
His eyes are too large
Boromir: Now that's just disturbing…
They enter….
Pippin: Elbereth! It really stinks in here…
Gandalf: Stink rises, its worse up here!
Legolas: This is what you get when a race of creatures live in a hole full of stale air…and lets face it. Dwarves aren't the most fragrant of species.
Gimli: I'd rather smell more manly than be an Elf, you're men use more perfume than your females.
Legolas: At least you can tell our females from our males.
Gimli: What are you implying?
Legolas: People are starting to talk.
Gimli: You're gonna start them talking aren't you?
Legolas: Yes, yes I am.
Boromir: Me too.
Aragorn: And me.
Hobbits: Us too!
Gimli: I hate you all.
Legolas: Oh, oh I got a good comeback…. Your cousin and people are all dead!
Gimli: That's not a comeback it's….Oh no!
everyone sees corpses of Dwarves
Boromir: EEEEP!
Aragorn: Everyone in favor of leaving say I.
All: I
They turn around and run out…
500 meters away they stop…
Gandalf: Hmmm something feels wrong…
Ground collapses beneath them and they land in the middle of a billion orcs.
(Gandalf: That's better)
Boromir: Again, eeeep!
Legolas: Run Away...
They run, then have to cross a rail less bridge over a pit of lava, although technically the whole cavern would be full of magma by now…
When they get outside they realize Gandalf is gone.
Aragorn: Looks like the old guy didn't keep up, oh well guess he's dead. Let's go.