A/N: Well, since I knew I would lose a few readers when I decided to switch the Insomnia arc back to pairings, and this chapter was next in line, I thought it would be funny to go ahead and upload it tonight. (chuckle) Not all my stories have pairings in them, but my longest work, 'Of a Place Long Ago', is still missing chapters 12 and 17. Until I can edit the anime dialogue out and try to find or re-create those chapters, I'm afraid the non-yaoi people will have to avoid me. Sorry!
Chapter 15: Goku's First: Internet/Talk
The Internet.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Sanzo's eyes snapped open, his body reacting automatically to the screaming voice of his charge, sending the chair he was sitting on backwards as he stood up. Grabbing his gun off the table in front of him, the monk dashed down the hallway and threw the teen's room open, his weapon cocked and ready for whatever horror had caused Goku to give out such a gut-wrenching scream.
Glancing around the room, Sanzo realized there was nothing there except for Goku and the new computer Hakkai had brought over and set-up for the teen during his last visit. A vein slowly began to form on his forehead as he slowly realized Goku was screaming because of something on the computer. Shoving his gun up his sleeve, Sanzo stormed over to the wide-eyed monkey and slammed his fan over the idiot's head.
"What the HELL are you screaming about idiot?"
"Ow! Damn it Sanzo that hurt!"
"Serves you right. Now what could possibly be so fucking scary on a computer to make you scream like that?"
Still rubbing his head, Goku turned the monitor around to show the irritable man the cause of his outburst.
There on the screen was a full-color 800x600 wallpaper drawing of Goku and Gojyo.
In a very 'friendly' position.
One that involved no shirts and un-zipped pants.
The vein on Sanzo's forehead continued to grow.
"What pre-pubescent hormonal fan brat drew that shit?" he fumed.
"I don't know. But why? WHY?"
He allowed Goku to rant on, screaming about the injustices of modern day fan-girlism and the predisposition of said girls to see non-existent hints of relationships between the characters until he couldn't take anymore.
Pulling out his gun again, Sanzo aimed it at the screen.
"No! Sanzo, don't shoot the computer!"
"Why not?" he fumed. "If all you're going to do is look us up and scream over the things these little creatures do to us, then why shouldn't I put us both out of our misery?"
Goku wrapped his body around the monitor and pouted. "But I wanna keep it!"
"Then shut the fuck up!"
"Fine. Crappy monk."
Sanzo glared at the teen for a minute then slowly returned his gun to its proper place. He considered leaving until an idea hit him.
"Move over monkey."
Goku narrowed his eyes and gave the monk and suspicious look. "Why?"
"Move."
Given the 'do it or die' tone, Goku quickly scooted over and watched as Sanzo sat down in front of the computer. The monk wasn't well versed in the machine, but Hakkai had shown him enough to get by. After a few minutes of silent watching, Goku finally had to ask.
"What 'cha doing?"
"Fixing a problem."
"What problem?" Goku asked.
"You'll see."
The teen pouted and sat back. The computer was brand new; there wasn't a problem with it! So what the hell could Sanzo be doing? After several more minutes the monk stood up, lit a cigarette and walked out of room telling Goku to 'enjoy'. The brunet watched him leave then turned to see what changes had been made.
'Doesn't seem to be anything different.' He mused.
Shrugging, Goku brought up a search engine and typed 'Saiyuki 39 58', chuckling as he hit the submit button. Finding slash pictures of himself and Gojyo had been an accident; a very scary accident. Now he was content to push the god-awful picture from his mind and continue his real search.
The page loaded and the words 'please enter your password' flashed across in a little box.
"What the hell? SANZOOOOO!"
A few minutes later the monk walked in, looking slightly amused. "What monkey?"
"What the hell is this?" he asked, pointing at the screen.
Sanzo shrugged. "I fixed it."
"Fixed it? It won't load my search results!"
"What were you searching for?"
An embarrassed flush crossed the teen's face and he turned away. Like hell he'd tell Sanzo that.
The monk smirked in victory. "Thought so. Now shut up and enjoy the parental lock controls."
"What level did you set it on?"
Sanzo's smirk grew. "No sex. No nudity. No violence. And Inoffensive slang."
Goku blinked. "That's like, nine tenths of the internet."
"Everything but canon My Little Ponies and Teletubbies. Have fun."
The monk left the room and shut the door behind, leaning against the wall and waiting.
3…
2…
1…
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Grinning in victory, Sanzo walked off and back towards his room. He gave Goku a few hours of trying to break the password before the computer would be shoved out in the hallway in disgust. There was, after all, no way the teen would ever guess the password he'd thought up.
393forever just wasn't that common.
Sanzo grinned as he shut the door to his room. Nope, it wasn't that common at all.
Yet.
"The Talk"
He knew something was up the second all three of them walked into the room together. For one, both Gojyo and Sanzo were smoking and Hakkai looked like he wanted to join them. Also, no one was saying anything. All three men looked like someone had just died.
Goku had a bad feeling about this.
Each man took a seat nearby and Goku sat up on the inn's bed and crossed his legs beneath him. They each looked at one another before Hakkai finally cleared his throat and began.
"Goku. We need to talk to you about something rather…important."
Shit. He didn't think the innkeeper would miss two lousy sausage rolls; there were dozens of them! He'd have to think quick to get out of this one…
"Well we couldn't help but notice how much you've grow during the journey and thought that maybe you show be informed about…ahh..the working of the world, so to speak."
Goku blinked. So it wasn't about sausage rolls?
"Yeah." Gojyo piped up. "Man's gotta know how to handle his meat and-"
Sanzo's fan brought the rest of the redhead's sentence to an abrupt halt. Goku tried to keep the confusion from showing. So it was about sausage rolls.
"Ah ha ha. Shut up, Gojyo. Despite your expertise in this area I think we'd all be happier if you didn't interject too much of your own personal experiences into this conversation."
Goku had no idea what Hakkai had just said. Maybe it wasn't about sausage rolls after all.
"Hey! The monkey could do well with a teacher like me guiding him!"
Sanzo snorted. "Oh yes. Then you teach him just how well known your 'meat' is. Fat lotta good that'll do him."
So it WAS about sausage rolls! He knew it!
Wait…Gojyo had a sausage roll? That stingy bastard! He must have been hiding it. Maybe he knew how to make them. That would be…damn that would be great! Then he could have sausage whenever he wanted! Goku grinned.
"I have to agree with Sanzo on this Gojyo. Goku needs to learn the consequences of his actions. Unlike you, if he's not careful there could be by-products of using his 'meat', as you seemed to have nick named it, in the wrong way and without protection."
What the hell? By-products? He thought sausage was pork. What the hell did they put in it besides that?
"How's it made?" Goku asked suddenly.
Hakkai paled slightly. He'd meant to talk to Goku about the ins and outs of sexual relations and the consequences thereof. He didn't think they'd have to do the 'birds and bees' talk too.
"Ahh…well. It all starts with a man and woman, of course."
Goku nodded. So it took too people to make a sausage roll. That must be why Gojyo flirts with all those women all the time; he needs help making them.
"The woman has what's called a-"
"Flower." Gojyo interrupted.
Hakkai gave him a questioning look.
"Keep it simple." The redhead said.
Goku nodded again. Women just carried bags of flour around with them? Did that many people like sausage? Wow. He couldn't help but notice how uncomfortable they all seemed to get at this point. Maybe this was some kind of trade secret or something.
"And the man has his…well…"
"Just stick with meat Hakkai. It's already been used. No use confusing him now."
The healer nodded and sighed. There really wasn't a point in getting too technical after all.
"Okay. So the man puts his 'meat' into the woman's 'flower' and..."
Sanzo stood up abruptly, grabbed his cigarettes and walked out of the room with out another word. Gojyo watched in a mixture of amusement and envy. Sitting close to Hakkai, he doubted he'd be able to pull off getting out of this one.
Goku watched his guardian leave. Sanzo hadn't looked too happy about any of this conversation. Maybe he didn't want to give out trade secrets like this. He wondered why all men carried meat around with them anyway. Just to make sausage? Seemed kind of obsessive really.
"So that's it? He just puts the meat in and it's done?" Goku asked.
Hakkai scratched the back of his head and laughed nervously. "Er, not quite. It takes months and months for nature to run its course."
"Months?"
Damn. No wonder Gojyo was always looking for women. He wouldn't be able to pick up his sausage until after they returned from India. Goku smiled. Then it'd be hog heaven! They could pick up a new roll in every town just about!
"I don't think this is going very well, Hakkai."
The healer sighed. "Neither do I. Shall we start over?"
"No." Goku said. "I think I get it."
Both men stared. "You do?"
"Yep. But I have a question."
Hakkai smiled. "What's that Goku?"
"Do you really like sausage rolls that much?"
Both men's faces hit the floor.
Face meet floor.
Floor meet face.
Well met!
"You thought this was about sausage rolls!" Gojyo screamed as he picked himself up.
Goku blinked. "It wasn't?"
Hakkai sighed. "Gojyo. Leave. It's time to get serious."
The redhead didn't complain, he simply walked out and left a rather determined looking Hakkai to his work.
Downstairs, he met Sanzo at the bar and sat down next to him.
"How'd it go?" the blonde asked.
Gojyo laughed. "He thought we were talking about sausage rolls."
Sanzo pinched the bridge of his nose. "Figures. So where's Hakkai?"
"Telling him the truth I guess."
About an hour and half later, Goku came down the stairs and joined them at the bar. Sitting down beside Sanzo, he ordered a glass of water. The two men stared at him for a minute before Gojyo broke the silence.
"Well?"
"Well what?"
"You don't look like you just had a long talk about sex. What happened?"
"I've never been very good at learning by being told." Goku said then downed the glass placed before him.
"What is that suppose to mean?" Sanzo asked, raising an eyebrow.
Hakkai stumbled downstairs just then, looking like he'd just come from a long battle. Straightening his shirt and running a hand through his hair, he sat down beside Goku and ordered sake. He told the bartender to keep it coming.
Goku grinned as he set his glass back down. "I'm more of a 'hands on' learner." He said before hopping off the stool and walking back upstairs whistling.
Sanzo and Gojyo turned disbelieving eyes to Hakkai, who was giving his cup of sake a very appreciative look.
"Don't tell me you and monkey…"
"There are some things that are simply better left un-said Gojyo. This is one of them."
The two men nodded and returned to their own drinks. Hakkai sighed.
It had taken six times of 'hand puppet theater' before Goku finally broke down laughing and told him he already knew about sex. Hakkai had been, understandably pissed about it. It was lucky Goku was fast otherwise that chi blast wouldn't have broken the window, but his head instead. After he'd calm down again, Goku had suggested a way to salvage the evening and pay Gojyo back for being an ass and Sanzo for leaving in the middle of their 'talk' the first time.
Hakkai smiled as he glanced over and saw the thoughtful and disbelieving expressions on his two companion's faces.
"Hey, Hakkai?"
All three men turned to the stairs where Goku stood with his nightshirt on, half un-buttoned.
"I'm still a little confused, can we try again?"
Keeping a straight face, Hakkai downed his cup and stood up. "Sure thing."
He could practically hear Gojyo and Sanzo's jaws hitting the floor. Turning around and giving them a tired grin, Hakkai suppressed the urge to laugh.
"Youth. So energetic and eager to learn."
He walked back upstairs, pulling a deck of cards from his pocket once he was out of sight of the bar. They figured that by the time Sanzo and Gojyo figured out the joke, Goku would a poker-playing master.
Might as well learn something before they were killed.