Chapter Six. Don't Make Me Look Back.

Just when you think you have a handle on the way things are, just when you think you can accept the hell you live in, something comes along and breaks your hold on life. Why can't I accept that I am hated by those I despise? Why do I want to fit in when I know and accept that I will never be like them?
I always want what I can't have…who I can't have. And it hurts every time. Do I do this to punish myself? Who knows…

- Excerpt from the journal of Kairi.

It was Tuesday afternoon when Kairi awoke, and the first thing she was aware of was a sensation of something heavy sitting on her lungs. She could feel each breath rasp in her throat and she started coughing convulsively. Her throat and chest felt as though they were on fire and in panic she struggled against the blanket wrapped around her.

As soon as Kairi started coughing and thrashing on the couch Riku was jerked awake. With barely a thought he leapt to his feet and ripped the blankets off Kairi and pulled her to him in an effort to contain her wild motions. Gradually he realised that she had stopped coughing and was instead fighting to get of his grip he released her hurriedly and pushed back violently from the couch. He stared at her, in bewilderment over the fearful look in her eyes.

Kairi was as pale as a ghost, staring at Riku with wide and terrified eyes. She tried to look around and take in her surroundings but her eyes were drawn back to the confused boy crouched next to her. 'What's going on Riku?' she said hoarsely with a suppressed choking cough. 'What the hell is going on? Where am I, why were you fucken touching me!'

Riku stared at her, utterly taken aback at the vehemence in her voice. He stuttered over his planned response and then simply said 'My god Kairi, don't you remember anything about yesterday afternoon?'

Kairi lowered her eyes and tried to think back beyond the shadowy memories his touch had evoked. She could vaguely remember walking home in confusion and disbelief over their earlier conversation but the events after she got inside the front door of her home were simply not there. She concentrated hard thinking, and then suddenly the memories washed through her like a cold wave, raising goose-bumps all over her body.

She started shaking violently and made no effort to pull away as Riku moved in slowly and placed the blanket round her shoulders. Tears streamed down Kairi's face as she mumbled 'Is there anything left? Has my home gone?'

Riku made no more moves to touch her but sat close as he explained the damage done to her room and half of the hallway. His mind was only half on the explanation he was giving however as he could see the dreadful effect his words were having on Kairi. Halfway through describing the damage he stopped and looked at her in concern, 'Kairi…its not like the house can't be fixed. Don't your parents have insurance or something? Is that what's so bad?'

Kairi turned her head away and tried to still her shaking. 'You don't understand Riku. How could you possibly understand, you were born with a fucking silver spoon up your ass. Everything has been perfect for you your whole life. My life…is a fucken wreak.'

Resisting the temptation to reach out to her Riku sat as still as a stone and tried hard to hide how much her words had hurt him. 'Then tell me Kairi. Make me understand. Have I not made this clear to you, I care. I give a fuck! I want to help dammit, let me help you!'

Finally Kairi turned her tearstained face towards him. 'You want to know Riku? You really want to know about how my parents left me to live on my own when I was only nine? You want to know about the monthly allowance my grandmother sends me so that I can afford to eat and live in that fucken shack of a house? Or would you rather hear about the money I have saved over three years that got stolen when I was at my second…job? Hows that for a story Riku? You feel sorry for me yet rich boy?'

All colour drained from Riku's face and he looked as though he had been struck. He didn't move however and continued to look Kairi full in the face. 'Not everything I have came easy Kairi, but you don't want to hear that. And right now I'm not going to bore you with the details. All I want you to know is that I don't care how hard you've had things till now unless you want to tell me. I want you to know that I…' and he stuttered a little. 'I want you to know that I care about you. I don't want…I don't pity you…I…I care about you.'

Kairi sat on the couch silently, keeping her stunned expression away from Riku's searching eyes. She could hear the longing in Riku's voice and behind that she could hear his sincerity although she did not want to admit it. Hardening her voice she said 'What is this Riku, is this going to be your charity case for the month? Or did you want me round as house help. Maybe even your own personal prostitute…would you like to keep me here to fuck Riku? Just like a little slave.'

As the words left Kairi's mouth, she found herself shocked at how cruel she sounded. And she cringed slightly waiting for Riku's response. It wasn't even close to what she expected.

Riku went white and went motionless. His eyes were glassy and unseeing, from his mouth came a low moan of pain and he stood suddenly as though pulled upright. He walked stiffly away from Kairi and up the stairs towards his room, uttering not a sound since his initial moan. The door didn't even slam behind him, just swinging gently to rest half closed.

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In the silence of his room Riku sat on the very edge of his bed. His eyes stared at a spot on the wall, but his mind was watching events that took place over a decade before. He made no noise, but in his thoughts the hellish sounds of the memory became clearer and clearer.

The room was huge. To his four-year-old eyes, the floor seemed to stretch forever. His wonder-struck gaze travels over the polished marble floor and walls, and the velvet curtains that bordered each stained glass window. Hearing footsteps the child turns around and sees a man coming down the stairs. 'Uncle Conner!' The boy runs over and is swept up into a hug. The man carries the child up the stairs and sets him down at the door to his bedroom.

'This is where you will sleep Riku. You get to stay here until your parents get back, and this will be your room.' says Conner smiling at his nephew. 'Don't come out tonight you hear? There is a big adults only party and you need to be a good boy and stay in bed.'

No memory of the answer or of the hours of sleep that must have intervened, but suddenly Riku is standing behind a pair of huge doors and peeking into another massive room. It is lit only by moonlight and there are many people standing round what looks like a bed. Loud music muffles the laughter and talking, although something rises above the melodies…what sounds like a faint scream.

Riku gasps as the scream comes again and then he screams himself as a shadow moves in front of the gap in the doors. The shadowy adult grabs Riku's arm tightly and propels him through the doors and into the circle of adults. Images assail the young boy's senses and he is unable to make sense of what he sees.

There is a big low bed surrounded by people. They are not all adults; children stand in a small huddle at one end of the bed. Riku's eyes are drawn to the bed and he is stunned at what he sees.

His uncle. A child. Both naked. The child cries and is ignored, his uncle lays on top of the child, moving strangely. What is happening? The moonlight coming through the skylights is half obscured by clouds, Riku can't see, what is happening?

Without warning the adult behind Riku pushes him forward hard. He cries out.

Memory blanks out a few minutes and abruptly Riku is the child on the bed. Crying is doing no good, his uncle still holds him roughly by the wrists, forcing his face into the blankets. 'Now Riku,' he grunted. 'You have to be punished for not being an obedient boy. You should have stayed in bed and done what you were told. Bad boys must be punished.' Another adult steps forward to pin his arms and he feels his pants torn away…

Tearing, searing, burning, pain. Riku screams again and again but no one cares. His uncle holds his hips, forcing him to stay on his hands and knees though his legs are like jelly. Something hard inside him, ripping him in half, pushing in and out getting deeper and deeper.

The constant pain lulls Riku into semi-consciousness until his uncle groans and speeds up his thrusting, pulling Riku's small body back into him. Screaming…screaming…a final thrust and burning pain that feels like it will never end…

Sunrise. Sunset. So many days pass that Riku can no longer keep count. The days are hazy and repetitious, but the nights are filled with horror. His parents are gone for who knows how long and there is no escape from this house of terror and pain.

One day a car comes to get him. A black car filled with people wearing suits. They take Riku away from his uncle despite Connor's threats and blustering. He is taken to a cold place where they ask him questions, endless questions that he answers as best he can.

He is taken home. His parents are there as though they had never gone, which he finds out later they never did. They ask him again and again what happened but he has locked the memories away and will not answer. In fact during the day he does not ever remember, but every night his horror is relived, memories undeniable in the moonlight.

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For a long time Kairi sat alone on the couch in an unfamiliar house. She was stunned at the effect of her words on the boy who always seemed so poised and collected. She didn't have a clue why he was so totally distressed by what she said and she didn't know what to do.

The sun had moved away from her seat on the couch and was moving down the wall before Kairi heard a noise coming from upstairs. She half stood up and then hesitated, but as the sound of muffled sobbing became clearer she made a decision and walked towards the stairs.

It wasn't until she got to the bottom of the stairs that Kairi realised how weak she was and how much smoke she had inhaled. She managed to grab the stair rail before the force of her coughing doubled her over. She clung tightly to the rail and fought the choking coughs as they finally began to taper off. Gathering all her strength, Kairi started the long climb up the steep staircase.

By the time Kairi got to the top of the stairs her vision was blurry and she felt light headed with the immense effort. Staggering across the hall she fell against the doorjamb and peered into the room. Not seeing Riku, she gritted her teeth pushing off the wall and stumbled into Riku's bedroom.

In her weakened state, Kairi's senses were in overdrive. Her eyes only swept the room once, but she vividly noted the slanting roof, made of honey-coloured wood and the huge loft style design of the room. She found her gaze linger for a brief moment on the large long windows covered with delicate opaque hangings and was slightly wrong-footed by the meagre amount of furnishing that adorned the room. All this passed through her mind in the split second before she saw Riku.

He was sitting in the far corner of the room with his arms wrapped around himself and knees pulled up to his chest. As she lurched across the room to him she saw his eyes were squeezed shut and his skin was dead white. She fell just before she got to him but hardly noticed the pain, crawling to him and throwing her arms around his shivering form.

Riku made no sign that he noticed the girl at all. His sobbing was low and monotonous, drilling into Kairi's brain as she tried through sheer physical contact to calm Riku down. She could have been hugging a stone for all the difference she felt. His muscles were so tense he felt like he was carved of rock.

Long into the night Kairi sat with her arms round the sobbing boy, whispering into his ear, trying to bring him back from whatever dark place he had gone. It wasn't until the night started to pale into dawn that she felt a slight relaxing in his shoulders that spread down his back. Completely exhausted, she felt sleep unconsciousness beckoning and her head slumped onto Riku's shoulder. As the faint sunrays shone gently through the triangular window, the two teens slipped into relaxed slumber together.

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Across the other side of town, Sora lay on his huge super-king size bed staring at the ceiling. Sleep had eluded him the whole night and he was now trying to figure out why. His brow furrowed, 'Riku…has been different somehow.' He muttered. 'He's been absent so much and distracted…dammit what is it?!'

Groaning aloud Sora flopped over onto his stomach trying to get more comfortable. He felt like there was something he was missing, and something that…his friend didn't want him to know. He wasn't used to Riku having secrets from him and he decided that this was definitely something he was not going to have to get used to.

Frowning a little, the boy looked up to see it was the break of dawn outside. He quickly got up and threw on his jogging gear. A run at dawn and then some martial arts at the beach always helped clear his head. He shook his head and tried to focus on the run ahead but thoughts of Sora wouldn't leave his mind. He cursed under his breath and pulled the door closed behind him hoping that the pounding of sneakers on road could turn his thoughts from his friend.

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