DISCLAIMER: I am gaining as much as a little kid who eats snowflakes.

Note: Wow, I'm actually proud of this chapter. Thanks for the reviews. I've been calculating and discovered it'll end up being a twenty chaptered story by the way it's going. Hope you continue with me! Anyways, I found a quote which seemed to me very fitting for Snape:

/And nothing to look backward to with pride/ And nothing to look forward to with hope./ - Robert Frost.

Enjoy your reading!

The living room was dark, the heavy curtains closed securely over the windows, appearing as though they had not been opened in months. The smell of alcohol lingered in the air, mixed with the floating dust. Severus stood still, glaring at the floor, face shielded by his curtain of greasy, black hair. Sibilius reached out and grabbing the boy's jaw forcefully pulled up his face.

'Look at me when I speak to you.'

The child did not answer, lowering his eyes and staring mutely at the wall before him. Delicate silver phials containing a remarkable collection of poisons balanced themselves on an ebony shelf.

'I suppose that's what you do at school. Hide behind that filthy mat of yours while you cry.'

The man spat nastily. Black eyes widened slightly in surprise, then roved until they settled on the man towering before him. They narrowed in suspicion and something akin to fear.

'Oh. You didn't think I'd know, did you?'

'I don't know what you are speaking of.'

He lied, staggering back as a rough hand tore through the air and hit his cheek in a resounding slap.

Snape sneered unpleasantly as he witnessed the scene. The last time that hand had been lifted to harm him- it had not landed exactly in it's desired aim- rather, it had been severed from all desire.

'Legilemens.'

The boy crumbled to the floor with a cry and grabbed his head with both hands, eyes stinging with tears. Sibilius stared at the moaning twelve-year old coldly, lips pursed with the effort of the spell.

It was clear his father had never mastered the spell; he used too much force, achieving nothing but pain instead of focusing on gathering the information he desired. Now that he thought of it, perhaps that was his true aim. Severus shook his head bitterly. Well, he had had his own share of pain in the end. Indeed. But nothing could make up for the seventeen years of hell he had made him live. Revenge had been sweet... but so many poisons were as honey and yet deadly.

'S-top. Please F-father. Hur-r-r-ts.'

The man jerked his wand to a side and the spell was lifted. Severus remained on the floor, whimpering, eyes closed tightly in pain. His father kicked him impatiently.

'Get up weakling. You've learnt not to lie to your father, haven't you?'

'Yes, and I learned to protect myself too. I suppose I do have some important things to thank you for, Father.' Snape thought angrily.

Snape nodded quickly, scrambling to his feet unsteadily. The door closed with a snap as Sibilius left the room. The boy fell on his knees, heaving convulsively the contents of his stomach emptied on the carpet. Shaking feverishly he keeled sideways and draped a hand over his eyes, closing them wearily.

SsSsSsSsSsSsSsSs

The blazing, silver title shone in the gloom, sparkling as the moon cast it's pale light upon it. Snape sat cross-legged on his bed, shivering slightly as a cool breeze wafted through the open window. A thick, black book lay before him, reverently placed on a pillow. Long white fingers slowly coated themselves with dust as they traced the contour of the letters, lips silently repeating the same word. The careful dance stopped as the boy eased it open, the book exhaling a breath of musty age before revealing yellowish-white pages crammed with loopy, elegant writing in black ink.

Occlumency,

The Art of Shielding the Mind

Against External Penetration

He still kept that book, carefully placed in one of his highest shelves, slowly covering itself with dust. Yet he treasured it. His uttermost protection. A fortress within yourself, the book said. He had discovered it in his father's own library, although the man had never bothered to read even half of his remarkable collection- which was now his, of course. That book, old and yet strong, felt as though it were the foundations of his cell. His own prison where he could keep his memories locked up, shielding his mind from others- and even from himself. But now...Dumbledore had crumbled his walls, and had let them free. And the pain, the ache in his heart was incredible.

SsSsSsSsSsSS

Snape whirled back as the sound of broken glass and splattering potion echoed through the dungeons, slicing through the nervous conversations of the other students. Shards of glass lay on a pool of glum blue potion, his eyes traveled to a pair of feet and robes standing near. His body shook with rage as his sight's sojourn ended in Sirius Black's grinning face, a few inches away from Potter's own countenance. The thirteen-year old gaped, his breath shallow and ragged as he choked on the insults and curses longing to escape through his mouth. Professor Mortnoir lifted herself from her seat behind the desk and cleaned the mess swiftly. She cast a sympathetic glance at Snape,

'I'm sorry Seve- Mr. Snape, I'm afraid I can't give you any marks.' She paused and turned to stare at the two Gryffindor boys sternly.' Nor you, at any account, Mr. Potter and Black.'

'But Professor, it was an accident.'

Sirius pleaded in his most innocent tones, pouting slightly and giving her puppy eyes.

The woman inspected him carefully then smiled.

'Very well, but you should learn to be more careful.'

She advised kindly before turning to her seat, knocking two flasks to the ground with her hand. She raised it to her mouth in feigned surprise.

'Oh, I'm so sorry. How absolutely clumsy of me.' she tilted her head to aside as she vanished the glass and potions remnants, 'It seems like you won't be receiving any marks either.'

'B-but Professor-'

Potter spluttered angrily, his eyes wide with shock.

'I'm sorry Mr. Potter, it was an accident.'

The Potions Mistress smiled at Severus conspiratorially, her eyes gleaming. Snape managed a half-smile, as surprised as the other two.

'Class dismissed.'

Severus smiled melancholically. She had been such a kind woman...And yet she was dead. He should be dead. Her eyes, her tears as she pleaded for mercy. Well- Angels always fall first it was said.

SsSsSsSsSsSsSs

His skin was damp under his soaked robes. Water dripped from his hair, clung to his eyelashes, ran down his cheeks, mingling with the tears. He rested his head against his knees, arms limp beside him. Silent sobs and shivers shook his frail form every few seconds.

'Severus. What are you doing here?'

Lily asked loudly over the pouring water as she opened the cubicle's door, she reached and turning the fosset shut out the shower.

'I should be a-asking you the same thing, in case you haven't noticed this is a boy's bathroom.'

She shook her head impatiently. 'I over-heard some boys talking about someone sitting dressed with the water running and thought it might be you.'

'Oh, I had no idea I was so predictable.'

'Nut-cases usually are.'

Tears sprang to his eyes, his breath hitching in his chest as his heart seemed to contract painfully. He missed her. And it was his fault she was gone, he had pushed her away. Snape swallowed hard. Though, of course, it was better for her this way. She did not deserve to suffer, and she would if she saw him now. What he had become. Lily was too kind, her heart too good. But he missed her. Badly.

He raised his head and stared at her, the shadow of a smile on his face. Lily took a seat next to Snape, her hair sprinkled with water like dew on red grass blades as she sat on the white tiles.

'You're going to get sick.'

She stated, frowning with concern at her friend, whose face was once more buried against his legs.

'As if it matters.'

'It matters to me.'

He sighed.

'Lily it's dinner time, isn't it? You should be in the Great Hall.'

'Were you attempting to drown yourself or something?'

'No. I just- '

'Oh, Severus.' she cried out suddenly, tears springing to her own eyes as she bent forwards to embrace him. Snape stiffened momentarily, surprised, then hugged her back. She pulled away after a few minutes.

'You're all wet.'

She said in a mock-disgusted tone as she wiped the tears from her face impatiently. The Slytherin smirked.

'Have you taken in account where we are?'

Lily laughed.

'So, are you going to tell me what's bothering you?'

She asked seriously once more. Snape stared at the swirling drain and his shoes drenched in water.

'Rather WHO's bothering me... and I think you know it quite well.'

Lily frowned angrily.

'Not those morons, Potter and Black.'

'That's a rather harsh denomination, Lily.' Snape reprimanded sarcastically. 'Perhaps, brainless, idiotic, freaking bastards would be better.'

'Indeed, you forgot conceited, arrogant gits.'

Snape grinned and let out a small chuckle, Lily's eyes sparkling with laughter.

'Who're you going to the Christmas ball with?'

'Lily, I believe you forget who you are talking to.'

'If you don't ask anyone then you can't know!'

'I prefer to save myself the embarrassment.'

'Do you want to go with me?'

You never should have asked me that Lily.

Severus stared at her. Lily smiled, feigning a blush and then grinned.

'Well ?...'

'Are you serious?' He asked slowly.

'Yes. So, do you? We're friends you know, I don't see why it's such a big deal. It's only a ball: dance, eat and have fun!'

Snape shook his head slightly, as though trying to clear his head.

'I suppose. Y-yes, alright.'

Lily's smile widened, she threw her arms around him and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. Snape blushed and hugged her tightly, a real, pleased smile transforming his face.

'Speaking of eating, I'm hungry.'

'I'm not really. I'll go change, don't want to get sick.'

'Yes. You have a compromise with me.' Lily joked, waving her finger warningly in front of his face. Snape lifted himself to his feet and offered his hand.

'See you tomorrow Lily.'

'Goodnight Severus.'

SsSsSsSsSsSsSsSs

Snape glared at himself in the mirror. Dressed in black velvet robes with silver serpentine clasping gave him a remarkably elegant air- although it did nothing to disguise his scrawny form. He had succeeded in reducing the greasiness in his hair slightly, but it still hung in depressingly lank strands just to his shoulders. His skin appeared even more pallid in contrast to the darkness of his hair, robes and eyes.

'Hey Snape.'

The fourteen-year old boy turned around and smirked in greeting as Evan Rosiers pretended to be perusing himself in a hand-mirror, fluffing his hair around and twirling his eyelashes.

'Really Evan, I had no idea you delighted in your image so much. I hope you were not offended that my present was not the most adequate, as it was not a make-up set. Perhaps next year.'

The Slytherin choked and narrowed his eyes in mock-anger, then grinned.

'The book has some excellent glamour charms though.'

He had ended making some acquaintances with his own house after a few years. Not too close, but enough for daily contact.

LsLsLsLsLs

'Lily, you look- pretty.'

Beautiful.

He greeted her hesitantly, giving her a curt nod as she descended the stairs. She was wearing green robes which sparkled in different hues as it hit the light, her hair in a loose bun, fiery strands curled around her face. Lily smiled at him confidently and extended her hand, which he took after gently pressing his lips to it.

'Oh, Severus! You're such a gentleman.'

She exclaimed happily as they locked arms.

'Merry Christmas.'

'It is, isn't it?'

She giggled. Elated as they made their way towards the Great Hall, pleasant, classical music drifting around them. As they reached the Hall they saw the usual House tables were gone, replaced by about a hundred smaller ones, a large area had also been cleared for dancing.

'Did you like my present Severus?'

She asked, once they were seated, taking a sip at a glass of Butterbeer.

'Very much. A most enticing illegal object. Thank you Lily.'

He whispered softly, gracing her with a small smile. She huffed in mock-indignation.

'Why should a crystal pendant with a drop of blood be illegal?'

'Blood is used in controlling-potions, you ought to know that.'

'Well, but two friends may share a bond without the Ministry forcing their stupid regulations on them.'

Snape smirked as her face colored in annoyance.

'I-I brought something for you.'

He stammered, suddenly shy and reaching in his robes presented a lily. It was pure white, almost glowing, except for the golden interior and the vivid green stem, liquid pearls and a sprinkle of yellow pollen kissed it's delicate petals. Lily took it in her hand reverently, gazing at it with awe.

'It's beautiful Severus.'

She said softly. Snape took out his wand,'Lilium Vitrum Non-rumpere ' he muttered and with a shining white light the flower seemed to freeze, turning into a remarkably real-looking crystal lily.

'Oh, thank you.'

Lily breathed, leaning forward to give him a kiss of gratitude. Snape smiled shyly.

'Let's dance.' The Gryffindor proposed excitedly. She frowned slightly at the boy's obvious reticence.

'Please.'

Things could have been so different. Should have been.

She pleaded grasping his hand and standing up. Severus gave up with a shrug and followed her to the dancing circle, where a few couples were enthralled in each others arms. He took her hand firmly and clasped another around her waist as she instructed and soon they were waltzing around comfortably. Lily rested her head on Snape's shoulder, who closed his eyes and pressed his cheek against her hair tenderly.

Her hair always smelled like cinnamon.

He jerked as he felt a tingling sensation hit him, Lily broke from his grasp and stared at him questioningly then raised her hand to cover her mouth in horror. His hair was rapidly turning orange, until with a pop it was completely colored. Snarling Severus whirled around in time to see Potter aiming another spell at him. He doubled and staggered backwards as it hit him, a gurgling feeling spreading up his stomach. He hiccoughed and a bat flew from his mouth. There was a stunned silence before a bark-like laughter rang through the room, Sirius Black. Raccous laughter filled the room, as he hiccupped again and a group of bats extracted themselves from his mouth.

He looked up from the floor and saw the bats had become entangled in Lily's hair, frowning in anger he whirled around again and caught sight of Black laughing. He plunged his hand into his robes.

'Tarantallegra!'

He could hear laughter, and Lily's shrieks as the bats continued to pick at her hair and clung to her robes. Sirius was cursing repeatedly as his legs danced under him uncontrollably and Potter rushed forward to the girl's side.

'Desaugeo.'

James' teeth began to grow alarmingly as he pointed his own wand at Snape,

'Expelliarmus!'

The Slytherin was thrown back at the force of the spell and raised his wand to administer some other curse when he felt a pair of legs behind him. He lifted his face and saw Dumbledore standing behind him, gazing at the scene calmly, though a hint of annoyance and humor was visible in his twinkling eyes.

That twinkle in his eyes. He had found it funny. Humorous that what should have been a pleasant Christmas night had ended thus.But, of course, it was his precious Gryffindors who were having fun. Snape sighed, yet he could not bring himself to hate the old man.

'Finite Incantatum.'

He said softly and Black stopped twitching, Potter's teeth, now at his stomach's height ceased growing and the hiccups stopped, the bats flying off into the night through the open ways leading to the gardens.

'Now, what is this? Mr. Potter, Mr. Black I believe you are responsible for the current events?'

James nodded, unable to speak through his elongated teeth as Sirius fidgeted in his place.

'Twenty points will be removed from Gryffindor House for this rude disruption of the Christmas Ball and you shall each be serving a week's detention with Filch.'

Both Gryffindors frowned angrily and Black began ranting about unfair and Snape.

'Silence.' Ordered Dumbledore blandly, ' As for you Mr. Snape,' he said casting the Slytherin at his feet a curious glance with a mixture of pity,' Night's detention tomorrow evening for hexing Mr. Potter and Mr. Black.'

'I was but defending myself.'

He snarled, but Dumbledore simply shook his head slightly.

'Nonetheless. Mr. Potter and Mr. Snape you should pass by the Infirmary to remove the effects of your spells now.'

Bitter anger coursed through him, entangled with such a deep feeling of grief he could not begin to consider it. If it took hold he knew he would weep, scream until his eyes dried and his throat became too sore and all life left his heart. He could not let that sorrow posses him. It was easier to hate, not only Potter and Black but himself. He had nothing left, nothing but these emotions he could not bear. That was why he did not wish to remember. His whole life was a great mistake. Sometimes, he wished he had never existed. And now he was forced to remember, to think and feel all those times he had longed to forget. And it hurt.