III
Ginny Weasley joined the Order of the Phoenix on August 11th, 1997.
She couldn't believe her mother agreed, but Ginny supposed she understood: she couldn't just sit, cooped up, protected, waiting for news as people she loved gave their lives.
She worked mostly in Diagon Alley, which meant she was able to stay with Fred and George in their flat when she wasn't working. It was the epitome of a bachelor's pad, but Ginny didn't mind. She actually enjoyed being there, surrounded by laundry and old plates. She even brought her diary and made notes in it, if only to keep her mind from drifting to other things--her brothers, Harry, life before everything had changed. She even helped test the twins' inventions - jokes and otherwise. She'd even cook with them on the nights they didn't go down to the pub for dinner.
Fred and George showed her that just because they were in the middle of a war, just because people were dying, it didn't mean they had to feel guilty about being happy. They showed her it was possible to be happy despite everything.
-
Ginny became one of the witches she used to write about when she returned to Headquarters in the middle of the night to nurse her injuries (not wanting Fred and George to think she couldn't handle it). It was on one of these visits that she happened to find herself in front of the Black family tree, staring at the burnt spot where Sirius's face used to be.
How could she have missed it? Next to Sirius's was his younger brother, Regulus Black who was a Death Eater. She wondered if Harry had considered the possibility that Regulus was R.A.B., but she figured he probably hadn't. The last time she saw him was almost a year ago – if he had thought of that, wouldn't he have come back?
She gave herself a job then: Ginny Weasley was going to find Slytherin's locket before Harry did.
-
Right before Ginny joined The Order, Tonks had been captured, but escaped. The thought of being captured terrified Ginny, especially when she noticed that Tonks' eyes carried the same pained expression that Ginny's carried so long after the Chamber of Secrets. Ginny suspected that she told Remus about her time spent captive and he had comforted her, but Ginny could tell it still hurt, that she still remembered, that she felt guilty for allowing herself to be captured. She kept hoping that Tonks never saw another dementor because she thought maybe there wouldn't be a strong enough memory of Remus for her to cast a patronus.
Ginny never told anyone, but every time before she left on a new mission, she'd feel as if she were walking through the veil. All through the war, she envisioned herself as the Weasley who would turn their numbers even.
Everyday, she wondered how long she had left.
-
Although Ginny prayed nightly that everyone would just stay safe, the war took Hagrid just after her 17th birthday party, and along with him, a few of the Order members who used to sit with her around the fire.
She had been there.
Ginny was on guard with Hagrid -- they started at opposite sides of Diagon Alley and every time they'd get close, Hagrid would wink at her and she'd laugh. It was supposed to be a safe day to shop – wards were even placed to prevent high apparation traffic.
Hogwarts was going to reopen that fall and Ginny was thinking about giving up her guard work to return to school for her last year. She knew Hagrid was planning to return as well. She kept walking and watched as hurried shoppers raced from store to store trying to buy their children's school supplies.
She blinked. One second she was looking at Hagrid from down the street and the next, a group of Death Eaters stood in his place. She blinked again as she pressed the coin they used to communicate with the rest of The Order, hard.
She stupefied a few Death Eaters in an attempt to reach him, but she couldn't tell if he was alive. He had to be alive, she thought. There wasn't a green light. But she couldn't reach him - she couldn't get through the crowds of people running... The wizards and witches who had been shopping were apparating away - some were running to Three Broomsticks for the Floo.
Tonks and Remus appeared at her side and helped hex the slowly advancing Death Eaters. As she ran she heard a few more pops and recognized two of them as belonging to Fred and George.
She had nearly reached Hagrid when she saw a woman with long black hair coming out pull off her white mask.
"Crucio," she shrieked, and Ginny screamed. It was the second time that Ginny had been tortured, but still, she couldn't get used to the feeling. She felt the bones in her legs cracking and she fought to simply stay conscious. "I don't know why the Dark Lord has a fondness for you, always asking for you alive. Your screams aren't even amusing!" Bellatrix turned to cast the killing curse on a nearby shopper before and started to walk away.
"You're... just going to leave me?" Ginny asked with as much power as she could muster. "Afraid you're going to... kill me if you duel? Or are you afraid I'm going to kill you?"
"Ha ha ha," she cackled. To Ginny, the voice didn't sound human. "You would never be able to summon the hatred you'd need to cast the killing curse." She turned away again, her eyes darting dangerously from Tonks to Remus. She pulled something silver out of the pocket of her robe and used her wand to levitate it toward Remus.
"Remus!" Ginny yelled, only her yell sounded more like a scream of pain than one of warning. "Look out." A moment later, the silver necklace was fastened around Remus's next and he howled. Tonks rushed toward him to unfasten the necklace, and Bellatrix gleamed with a smile so large Ginny could see the places where her teeth had begun to rot.
"Crucio!" she laughed. "I remember how much you enjoyed that curse."
Ginny was momentarily freed, but she didn't feel that she could stand. Still, she managed to mumble, "Accio necklace," freeing Remus from his pain. He ran to Tonks' twisting body and tried to calm her.
Bellatrix turned to face Ginny and yelled, "Crucio," again.
Ginny tried her hardest to maintain control and not to scream. She couldn't very well ignore the feeling that her arms and legs were being ripped off her body, but she managed to say, "Is that the only spell you know?" but it came out as more of an exhale. She felt the longer she remained under the spell, the less control she had over her body.
"What did you say?" The pain stopped.
"Is... that... the only spell you know?" Ginny panted. Bellatrix just laughed and raised her wand again.
"Of course not, but it gives the best screams!" Bellatrix laughed. "We shouldn't have killed the giant right away - I bet his screams were hysterical."
Ginny tightened her fingers around her wand and tried to breathe normally. Bellatrix's laugh echoed through her head—it was the same cold laugh that tortured Neville's parents, killed Sirius, tortured Harry and Tonks, and killed Hagrid. She could feel something akin to hatred seeping through her pores, traveling though her blood stream. She held her wand higher and screamed, "Expelliamus. Accio. Stupify." The last word sounded sounded like she just exhaled it, or maybe blew it out like she would a candle.
-
Ginny would never tell that when she said those three incantations, she thought only of the killing curse.
Everyone else present attributed the green flash to a battle going on nearby, but Ginny knew. When they discovered that Bellatrix was dead, aurors explained it as death's way of catching up with her from Azkaban – they didn't investigate it. Bellatrix Lestrange was dead; it was a time for celebration.
She figured Bellatrix knew. With hell rushing toward her, leaving its trail of green light, she must have known. Little Ginny Weasley was no longer pure of heart.
She was a murderer.
-
Hestia Jones reached the scene next and managed to round up the five Death Eaters who hadn't already retreated. When she saw Ginny she thought the worst of the crumpled body and thought that Molly Weasley would never forgive any of them if Ginny was hurt, if she was... Hestia didn't want to think of that four letter word.
Then she saw Tonks and Lupin pull her up and congratulate her - she had hexed Bellatrix!
"Your sister hexed Bellatrix," she yelled to Fred and George as they started running to their younger sister.
Hestia was the one who looked at the stunned Death Eater and pronounced her dead. She was the one who sent the body to the Ministry to be destroyed. Puzzled at her sudden death, she chalked it up to a gift from fate. It certainly owed them.
She gave a loud woop before apparating away with the five of them to Headquarters, where she knew Molly Weasley would be waiting.
-
That night, The Order of the Phoenix celebrated the most they had since the war began two years before. Ginny found herself congratulated by Order members who she never met and who she never even heard of. The wand of Bellatrix Lestrange became something of a relic, she wrote in her diary that night. It was the first time anyone saw the youngest Weasley, the child who was possessed by Voldemort, as a hero.
Some of The Order members wondered why Ginny wasn't smiling, wasn't celebrating with the rest of them. When they saw the pained, far off look in her eyes, they blamed the phantom pain of the torture curse.
-
Ginny stayed at Headquarters under her mother's watchful eyes that week. She was recuperating, and waiting for the wards at Diagon Alley to be strengthened. Her mother knew it would take time, much longer than it would have if Charlie had still been there.
Molly's youngest—her only daughter was the only child she still had some sort of control over. She knew she couldn't shield her from the war, but she could suggest that Ginny finish with school, suggest that maybe war wasn't the best thing for a seventeen-year-old witch. It didn't agree with her skin and she certainly didn't like the aged, starved look that she often saw in old aurors appearing in her daughter.
Molly also noticed the change in Ginny's manner: she didn't argue, she didn't cry (even when crying would be understandable), she didn't get excited, she rarely smiled. She looked as if she was always on a mission, always working, always worried about everyone else without thinking of herself. While it was a noble quality, Molly wished that for once, her daughter would be a little selfish.
She wanted Ginny to survive the war. She needed Ginny to survive the war. If anyone deserves a happy ending, she thought, it's my Ginny.
-
Ginny spent her time at Headquarters searching for any mention of the horcrux among Regulus's things in the attic. But day after day, she found nothing. She cursed aloud when she realized that Kreacher may have taken it to the Malfoys' or the Lestranges'.
But it wasn't long until she remembered The Order's own thief: Mudungus Fletcher.
-
When Slytherin's necklace finally reached Ginny's hands, she could tell that if it had ever been cursed, it wasn't anymore. She found it in the possession of an elderly witch who bought it from a "nice traveling salesman." When she heard that it had once belonged to He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, she agreed to let the young Weasley borrow it to ensure that it was safe.
She felt strange carrying something so invaluable in the pocket of her old robes. She checked and rechecked to be sure that the pocket had no holes before placing the locket carefully inside. When she apparated to a spot near Headquarters, she grasped the cold silver tightly in her palm, feeling that if she hadn't, it would have been left behind.
After thinking a long time about who she could trust to determine if the locket had been a horcrux, she apparated just outside the Hogwarts grounds. The sun was nearly setting, so Ginny hurried as best she could. Even thought she stayed out on guard duty all night sometimes, she was still afraid to travel alone in the dark. Her feet carried her down the familiar grassy path to the oversized wooden doors where she knocked loudly.
Filch grunted and almost closed the door at the sight of her (maybe more at the sight of Fred and George's jawline) when Headmistress McGonagall rushed up beside him.
"Ms. Weasley, come inside," she said. Ginny could tell that the Headmistress's wrinkles had grown more pronounced since she had last seen her a year ago. It was still September - maybe McGonagall thought Ginny was coming back. But Ginny didn't have time to feel guilty about the near-empty castle or the fact that she should have been taking NEWT's in at least five subjects.
"I need to see Slughorn," she said unflinchingly. "It's for Harry."
"Of course. This way please."
As they walked through the corridors to the dungeons, Ginny only saw a few students - mostly those who were studying for OWLS and NEWTS for specific careers. Most of the first, second and third years hadn't returned after the incident with the Inferi. As she glanced at the portraits, she realized that she missed the castle and that not finishing her NEWTS would really limit her choices after the war. But it wasn't the time for the selfish choice; Ginny had already made her choice: The Order, Voldemort's downfall, war. For her, it wasn't really a choice.
"I never had any doubts that you belong in Gryffindor," McGonagall said, breaking the steady silence that fell upon them. "You were always brave, noble and courageous. Even before your letter came back, I already knew you wouldn't return, not with the opportunities to fight against You-Know-Who. But you would have made a fine Head Girl."
"Thank you, Professor."
"Hogwarts will still be open to old students after the war, and I hope you consider returning for a year to finish your studies. I suspect you won't be the only one. I doubt I'd be able to keep Ms. Granger away, even if I wanted to."
Ginny half-smiled and said, "I'll consider it. Thank you."
Ginny had spoken to Hermione only briefly that Christmas night and knew of the older girl's plans to return to Hogwarts -- she wanted to eventually be a professor, any subject. Ginny thought it was more likely that Hermione couldn't stand to be away from the Hogwarts library for any extended period of time.
When Hermione asked what she was going to do after the war, Ginny almost didn't answer. After the war? she thought. For some reason, she had difficulty picturing her life just picking up where it left off. She wasn't the same Ginny who kissed Harry in the common room after she had caught the snitch. She wasn't the same Ginny who joked or complained loudly or made fun of Fleur or Percy. She wasn't the same Ginny who had six older brothers and constantly felt a need to prove herself to them.
She was a soldier.
Ginny decided that after the war, whenever that was, everything would be different. She wouldn't have to bend herself to fit back into the mold of the baby sister, youngest daughter, perfect girlfriend. She could just be someone else.
She thought of her conversation with Hermione sometimes at night before she fell asleep, until her phantom pain would interrupt her thoughts and carry her back into the present tense.
-
"Ms. Weasley. Are you here to take advantage of my connections in the Auror office?" Slughorn asked her as he opened the door to his office.
"Not exactly, Professor." She reached into her pocket and pulled out the locket, setting it carefully, softly, on his desk. She watched as his eyes gravitated toward the shining silver object before speaking again. "Can you tell me if this was ever used as a horcrux?"
"I -- you know about... horcruxes? How?" he whispered with a scared look in his eyes. Ginny decided to ignore his question so he wouldn't run away before he could answer.
"I just need to know if this is a horcrux or not. I don't sense any power coming from it, but I don't know how to tell if the fragment of the soul has been destroyed, or if it was ever there in the first place."
He took the locket into his hands and pried it open. He stared at it for a few moments and then took out his wand and pointed it at the necklace.
"This locket is no longer a horcrux."
"So it was one at one point? You're positive?"
"I am positive."
"Thank you very much."
She was turning to leave when she heard his voice, "Tell Harry good luck when you see him again."
-
When she finished her mission, Ginny felt nothing, even though she knew she should be happy - it would all be over soon.
She just couldn't get the idea out of her head that she gave up a part of herself to use an unforgivable curse. She felt like there was a big piece of her just missing.
Or maybe it had been missing since the day Percy died, or Charlie maybe, or was it just the day the war began?
-
It was already December when Harry, Ron, and Hermione returned to Headquarters next. Harry looked tired, but she saw something in his eyes—ambition, maybe. The three of them had grown older since the year before, but otherwise, remained the same. They did have the same starved look about them that Ginny saw in her own reflection and in the faces of most of the members of The Order, which greatly irritated her mother. No matter how much she fed anybody, the stress, the fear, even survival nearly starved them to death.
The war had been going on too long.
That night, Ginny pulled Harry by the hand into Sirius's old room. She didn't put the lights out and kiss him. She just handed him the locket and said, "According to Slughorn, it's no longer a horcrux. But I wanted you to see it before I returned it."
He stared at her surprised. "But... how did you find it?"
"R.A.B. was Regulus Black, so I found out from Mudungus Fletcher who he sold it to. It took a bit of a threat, but he cooperated."
"Thanks," Harry said. "Then that means there are only two piece of his soul left – Nagini and the one inside of him. That means this war is almost over."
Ginny felt a great weight sitting atop her chest that made it hard to breathe: who would she be after the war? She wouldn't be able to hide behind the fascade of a soldier then -- she'd have to destoy her own barriers just as Harry had to sever his connection with Voldemort. But unlike Harry, she didn't know if she had enough of herself left to return to.
She almost cried right then, but pushed the emotion back. She put on a strong face and she told herself, "This is something I have to do on my own."
-
"This war is almost over." When he said those last four words, he could have sworn that a small smile crossed her lips, but when he thought about her face late that night, he wasn't so sure.
-
Before they left the next morning, Harry crept into her room to say goodbye. She heard him outside before he even opened the door.
"Are you alright?" he asked when he saw that she was awake, staring at the ceiling with wide eyes.
"Don't die, Harry."
He found the seriousness of her words almost comical and laughed a little before saying, "I'll try my best."
"No. Promise me. Promise me that if it comes down to your death to kill Voldemort, don't do it. There will always be another way. Promise me."
"I promise." He stared at her for while before taking a seat on the corner of her bed. He tried to memorize the light freckles that ran along her arms, the dimming, unhealthy color of her hair, the pained--almost lifeless expression in her eyes. He thought she looked a lot older than she should have, sitting there like that. Harry pulled her hand into his and pressed it against his lips. "I know you aren't okay. But when it's all over, you will be. Won't you?"
"I... I don't know. I don't think I can go back... Not anymore."
"Gin. I don't expect you to go back. It's been two years. Two years and you were right in the middle of it all. I think in some ways, you had it harder than anyone..." He paused and began to stroke her hair. He couldn't figure out how he could have expected to come back and find her how he left her. He was glad in that moment, not that she was hurting, but that she was growing, as he was -- so that when it was all over, they'd be right for each other again.
"Ginny, I--I heard from Tonks that Bellatrix is... gone, that you hexed her and..."
She looked into his face with her eyes glistening. Something about her looked so broken, so... incomplete that he didn't know if he should ask.
"You did it, didn't you?"
She just tilted her head forward, just the slightest bit. If he hadn't asked a question, he would have hardly classified the movement as a nod.
"It's okay. I won't tell."
It hit him hard then, that he loved her. It wasn't a gentle feeling that grew in his heart. It was something that could have knocked him off his feet, had he been standing. It was something so complicated that he didn't feel like he could explain it.
He looked at her and thought that maybe she could feel it, like he felt it. Maybe she could see it.
"I swear, after he's gone, Ginny. After he's gone, I won't be going anywhere... But I have to leave now."
"Just stay safe, Harry. I'll be waiting."
He kissed her forehead softly and closed the door behind him as he left.
-
Ginny was at Headquarters the day the war ended. She was sitting at the kitchen table with her mother and father and the twins, just waiting. They had made a large capture of Death Eaters the evening before, when they found out that Harry, Ron, and Hermione had defeated Nagini. The news came late at night, by Floo by way of Hestia Jones, who was stationed in a town near the battle site. Hermione had apparated there to let Jones know that Voldemort was next.
They had been sitting around the table ever since. Ginny could tell her mother was nervous for them, that she prayed constantly they'd come out fine, even if it meant they Voldemort left Voldemort alive.
Ginny just prayed for the end of the war. She knew Harry would take care of getting everyone back in one piece.
But still, she held Harry's goodbye note, tightly, even though she knew she wouldn't need it.
-
When the news came at last, Ginny's family ran outside to join in the celebration with the rest of the aurors and wait for their heroes to return.
Before joining them, Ginny held the note out, pointing her wand at it. She whispered, "Incendio" and felt the warmth from the small fire on her skin. She realized that maybe becoming whole again wasn't something she had to do on her own.