Title: Pain & Love part 7
Author: veiledndarkness
Rating: Hard R
Summary: Sometimes the one person you trust the most can turn out to be the worst person for you.
Warnings:
This is by far the most alternate universe story I've ever started. Evelyn is alive in this one but all is not well. Bobby is extremely, extremely different in this story. He is similar in many ways to his character in Four Brothers, but this is a different side of Bobby, one that isn't fully explored in the movie. This is one way Bobby might have been if they had developed his character more and made him less able to deal with problems. It is quite long and it's taken me a long time to get it to the point where I feel comfortable posting it. There is violence in this.
Warning: Medium amount of slash in the second scene.
Pairing: Bobby/Jack
000
Bobby flipped through the newspaper in the waiting room, holding back another sigh. He dropped the paper on the table beside him and held his head. He smiled faintly to himself as he let the memory of kissing Jack the night before fill his mind. The memory soothed him, eased the pain of knowing what he'd done in the first place.
"Mr. Mercer?" the receptionist called, breaking the stillness of the room.
"Right here," he said. "Go on in, she'll be there in just a moment," she said.
Bobby walked into room, breathing slowly. The whole office still made him uneasy, the memories of too many other doctors' crowding him. He sat in the same chair as before, unable to keep himself from tensing up when the doctor walked into the room.
"Bobby, I apologize for the wait. I was held up in traffic," Dr. Kerman said as she strode over to her desk before flipping open one of her folders and sitting down.
Bobby shrugged. "S'alright. I got all day," he said.
Dr. Kerman waved her hand. "Regardless, I feel the need to apologize. I prefer to be prompt. Aside from that, how have you been Bobby?"
"I'm doing alright. Ma helped me clean the apartment up and dragged me to her house for dinner," he said quietly. A second later he cringed slightly. Did she know about the apartment?
Dr. Kerman nodded as she wrote in her folder. "And how was the cleaning?" she asked.
"Uh...after the fight, when Jack left, I kinda tore it up a bit," he admitted.
"And...Ma helped me clean," he added a moment later. He lowered his eyes to the floor.
Dr. Kerman put her pen down. "It was very nice of Evelyn to help you. I'm sure it helped her as well," she said.
Bobby blinked in confusion. "Why would it help her?" he asked, frowning slightly.
Dr. Kerman sat silently for a moment before speaking. "Resolution perhaps? Evelyn is at her most content when helping others heal themselves. For her, it is a necessary need. She wants to help you."
Bobby sighed softly. "She's always doin' stuff like that," he said.
"It's something that Evelyn does," Dr. Kerman said. "She loves you Bobby, you know that."
Bobby nodded wearily. "I know. I just don't get it sometimes. I'm just like...him," he whispered.
Dr. Kerman watched Bobby shudder. "Just like whom?" she asked.
"My dad, like Ma's boyfriend, like every fuckin' monster out there," he said, his voice full of self-loathing.
"You are not a monster Bobby," Dr. Kerman said sternly. Bobby gave a dry laugh.
"Uh huh. Sure. Cause y'know beating on people is so normal," he snapped.
Dr. Kerman stared at him. "I admit it's not something most people would do, but that hardly makes you qualify as a monster. Do you enjoy hurting others?"
Bobby paled, his hands began to tremble. "No," he breathed. "But, once I..." he trailed off, his stomach heaving.
Dr. Kerman waited patiently. Bobby breathed out slowly before speaking again.
"The last time I...hit Jack," he said, his voice thick, "I lost my control."
"I was hitting him and...and I grabbed his arm and pulled it up behind his back," he gagged as he spoke, the memories bearing down.
"He-he screamed so loud and I let go, but when I turned him, I, I felt...unbreakable, strong and I think I smiled," he muttered, gagging again on the tears in his throat.
Bobby glanced up long enough to see Dr. Kerman holding a box of tissues near him. He snagged a couple and wiped at his eyes. "Thanks," he said softly.
Dr. Kerman sat back down and jotted a few quick notes. "Are you alright?" she asked calmly.
Bobby shook his head, the horrible self-loathing rolling through him endlessly.
"And this was the only time that you felt that?" she said.
"Yeah," he replied brokenly. "The rest of the time, I just see it and go through it without noticin' anything. But this time, I felt a sick sense that what I did was ok."
"Would you mind telling me what you remember of your life before Evelyn?" she asked after giving Bobby another moment to compose himself.
Bobby grimaced. "Nothin' good, I'll tell you that right now," he said.
"Indulge me," she said with a hint of a smile. Bobby laughed softly.
"You really are something else. No wonder Ma likes you," Bobby said. She smiled reassuringly at him.
"There's nothing that you could say to me and have me be shocked," she said.
Bobby sat back in the chair, his shoulders drooping a bit. "My dad was a drunk," he began quietly. "Not a happy or silly drunk or even a depressed drunk. He was a mean drunk, the kind that drinks non-stop for days on end, until he sees someone cross his path."
Bobby blew out another breath. "I don't think I ever saw him completely sober. Every night, my mom and dad would go at it, fightin' and screaming; throwing shit and sometimes he'd knock her around. He threw her down the stairs one night," he said, his voice and eyes curiously blank.
Dr. Kerman flipped through her notes to Bobby's medical charts. "It says here that you broke your arm at age 7 and again at age 9. Was that from him? I have no notes on how it happened."
Bobby smirked nastily. "The first was when I tried to stop him from hittin' her one night. He threw me into the wall. The second time, I got into a fight with him myself. He held my arm behind my back until it snapped."
Dr. Kerman jerked her head up. "Did he?" she said softly. Bobby felt his body go cold.
His own words repeating in his head, Bobby stiffened abruptly and gasped.
Bobby clasped one hand to his mouth as the urge to throw up grew stronger. "I...I," he stuttered. "Oh god," he whispered.
Dr. Kerman studied the look on Bobby's face. "Bobby!" she called, her voice raised.
"Listen to me. You didn't break Jack's arm," she said soothingly. Bobby shook his head.
"I almost did," he said, his voice thick with tears again.
"But you stopped, you stopped in time, that's what's important," she said.
Dr. Kerman handed Bobby a bottle of ginger ale from her fridge. He took it with hands that shook slightly. "Sip it slowly," she instructed before returning to her seat.
"Your father's rage and alcoholism has had a factor in your upbringing," Dr. Kerman said, one eye on Bobby as she read through his file again.
"I know some of the things that you have been through, and I know that it's painful to even remember those times, but for your sake and for Jack's, there are some things that you can never forget."
"You must not let your rage take control; you are the one in control of yourself."
"Yeah, but he was gone by the time I was ten. I just woke up one morning and he was gone," Bobby said. He drank from the bottle, hating the way his fingers shook.
"Once he was gone, my mother had a string of 'friends'," Bobby sneered. "I left after one of them tried to set the house on fire."
Dr. Kerman nodded again. "Right. So at age 11 you were on the streets?" she said after scanning one sheet.
Bobby gulped down more of the ginger ale. "Yeah," he said, shrugging slightly.
"That's a bit young to be on the streets," she said evenly. "Where did you go?"
Bobby stared at his half-empty bottle and tried to shrug again. "I wandered, walked around, slept in parks for awhile, and stole food, the usual shit. When it got cold, I broke into cars and slept in them."
Dr. Kerman blinked. "No friends from school that you could have stayed with?" she asked.
Bobby snorted. "I didn't have friends. Fuck, I hardly ever went to school when I was a kid. Why waste my time there? Those other kids, they can tell when someone doesn't belong. I never did, so fuck them," he hissed.
"I see," she said. "How did you end up with Evelyn?" she asked.
Bobby looked at her for the first time since the start of their meeting. "That should be in the record," he said sharply.
Dr. Kerman studied Bobby's face and spoke slowly. "I'd like to hear your side, if you don't mind."
Bobby blinked. "Sorry," he mumbled. "I was arrested after breaking into a corner store and..." he trailed off. He sighed heavily. "I hit the clerk with a brick a few too many times, and he almost died."
"The other kids I was with took off and left me there. I panicked and tried to escape out the back door. A cop caught me. I tripped over the guy's feet and blacked out when I hit the ground. When I woke up in the doctor's office in the jail, I saw her for the first time."
Bobby cleared his throat before taking another sip of his pop. "I couldn't believe it," he said with a dry, bitter laugh.
"Only 13 and in jail already. I was sure that I would get off with just a slap on the wrist. Problem was; the clerk was on life support at the hospital. That's more than just robbery."
"She stood in the office part, while I pretended that I was still out cold. She argued like you wouldn't believe with the cop. She would've made a fuckin' awesome lawyer. She just kept goin' till the cop threw his hands up and walked out. A while later she came into the room and told me to stop pretending that I was out. The system had just handed her one of their worst cases. I was well known to the cops by the time I was 13. I just got caught that time," Bobby said.
Dr. Kerman gestured to the files. "I'll admit that your past is certainly colorful," she said, "but that hardly makes you the worst."
Bobby nodded. "No, but all I've done is rain shit down on Ma since the day she took me in," he said, his voice low and dull.
Dr. Kerman scoffed. "Bobby, please spare me the pity party. Only you can make your life better."
Bobby felt his hand tingle, a warning of his temper snapping. "Look, you don't fuckin' know me, don't act like you give a shit. All you doctors are the same," he yelled, half-rising out of his chair.
"Sit down!" Dr. Kerman snapped. Bobby felt the rage drain away as quickly as it had risen.
"Make no mistake Mr. Mercer; I do want to help you. I will not allow you to throw a temper fit in my office. You are an adult; I suggest you act like one," she said calmly.
Bobby flushed in embarrassment. "I'm sorry. Fuck. I'm shit at this."
"I know you have a hard time controlling your anger. That's what I'm here for, to help you and to help Jack. Now, I'd like to discuss anger triggers for you, and how you can work around them," she said, her voice soothing the annoyance that Bobby had felt.
"Right," he said. He drained the last drops of his pop. "I don't know why, it's like I lose all control. I don't want to get mad, I don't like hurtin' people. Well," he said with a hint of a smirk, "unless they deserve it."
Dr. Kerman smiled. "I've no doubt of that," she said.
Bobby nodded. "Yeah, sometimes words just don't cut it."
"So what do you think triggers you?" she asked. Bobby shook his head.
"I'm not sure, its weird y'know…" he muttered, rubbing the back of his head distractedly.
"I'm sure it seems weird, but you'd be surprised by some of the things that can trigger people," Dr. Kerman said, gesturing to the files in front of her.
"Some people are triggered simply by things not going their way, everybody is different," she said, folding her arms loosely. "I'd like to discuss what happens when things don't go your way."
000
Jack closed the door behind him and breathed out slowly. He leaned back, letting his head bang against the door with a muted thud. "I must be crazy," he whispered.
He stepped forward, taking in the obvious repair to the apartment, his stomach lurching at the sight of the new looking frames on the wall, the pictures still intact. He took several small steps, his head tilted to the side, the sounds of colorful swearing trailing down the hall.
Jack made his way to the hallway, only to find Bobby spackling more drywall paste over one of the many holes in the walls, muttering to himself. "Bobby?" he said, his voice cracking slightly.
Bobby turned abruptly, a look of surprise on his face. "Jack? What- what are you doing here?" he asked, his eyes wide.
Jack glanced at the walls, at the covered holes, and the ones waiting to be filled. "I wanted to see you," he said simply.
Bobby dropped the tool and stepped over the bucket near his foot. He clasped Jack's good arm and tugged him closer. Jack stumbled a bit before flashing a quick grin of reassurance.
"You alone?" Bobby asked. He felt a wave of desire roll through him at the thought of having Jack alone with him for the first time in two weeks.
Jack nodded, unable to meet Bobby's eyes. "Yeah," he said as he ran one hand through Bobby's hair, biting the inside of his cheek when he saw the sheer amount of drywall powder that was sprinkled throughout his head.
He leaned in and kissed him, his mouth descending and capturing Bobby's, his lips fiery hot and demanding. Bobby half-moaned as he pulled Jack tighter against him, tasting him desperately; wanting more, sure that he was drowning.
Jack nipped at his lower lip, his eyes heavy with desire. "I've missed you, god how I've missed you," he whispered throatily.
Bobby groaned. "Fuck, Jack," he said, his heartbeat roaring in his ears. "You're all I think about, this," he pointed at the walls, "it's what I do till I can see you again."
Jack pressed Bobby back against the wall, lacing their fingers together. He kissed Bobby's rough knuckles, his eyes closed as the memory of what had happened tried to intrude. He brushed the thought aside impatiently, focusing on all that Bobby had done to change, to make amends.
"I told Ma I had to see you alone," he said, his mouth dangerously close to Bobby's ear.
"Yeah?" Bobby said raggedly as Jack kissed his neck, his tongue swirling over one sensitive spot.
"Mmhm," Jack mumbled. "I had to, she'll understand, she always does."
Bobby nodded, his head jerking slightly. "I missed you Jackie, every damn day," he said.
Jack shook his head. "Show me," he said, his voice rough and thick.
Bobby's eyes darkened. "God, you drive me crazy," he said as he pulled him close, his mouth meeting Jack's, his tongue tracing the outline of his lower lip, drawing a soft moan from him. He pulled back slightly, resting his forehead against Jack's.
"Come with me tomorrow, to see Dr. Kerman," Bobby said suddenly, his mouth dry as the words left him.
Jack pulled back, fear in his eyes. "What?" he said.
"Come with me, talk to her. She'll help, I promise," he said urgently, afraid of scaring Jack away.
"I…I don't know," he said quietly, looking down at his feet.
Bobby held one of Jack's hands up to his mouth. "When did you take your sling off?" he asked suddenly, noticing for the first time that evening that his arm wasn't covered.
"Yesterday," Jack said softly. "Doctor said it was ok, so I took it off. Damn thing was irritating me."
After a moment of silence, Jack leaned against Bobby and rested his head against his neck. "Why?" he said finally.
Bobby ran one hand through Jack's hair, inhaling lightly as he did, a sigh escaping past his lips. "I want things to be better Jackie. I want you to see that I mean it this time, that I won't hurt you like that anymore."
Jack blinked. He knew that Bobby was determined, would do anything to prove himself when he put his mind to it. He chewed his lower lip as he thought over the possibilities, of what the doctor might tell him.
"Does she want me to come in?" he asked nervously.
"She'd like it if you came with me to a session, but y'know if you say no, it doesn't change anything. I'm still going," he said, his voice smooth and steadier now that he had Jack in his arms.
"I'm learning so much, Jackie. She's a lot like Ma, I swear it," he said. "Just consider it, ok?"
Jack kissed the side of Bobby's neck again. "Alright," he murmured. "I'll go."
000
This is a mistake,' Jack grumbled silently. He fidgeted in his seat restlessly, his arm pinging with pain as he flexed his fingers. The doctor had given him permission to take his sling off, on the grounds that he not strain his arm. Now, he watched the minute hand crawl by on the clock, glancing at Bobby out of the corner of his eye.
Bobby breathed slowly and evenly, in a way that Jack was envious of. He still felt jumpy around him, especially without Evelyn's presence. Jack bit his lip apprehensively as the door opened to the room. Bobby sent Jack a weak smile and nodded to the receptionist.
"It's time to go in," he said, holding one hand out.
Jack took his hand before he stopped to think. It felt right to have the tips of his fingers tingling as he walked. He tightened his grip as they walked through the door.
"I...I'm not sure that I can do this right now," he muttered softly as they neared the chairs by the desk. Bobby stopped walking and held Jack's chin gently.
"You don't have to Jackie. You wanna wait for another time?" he asked quietly.
Jack looked over at the doctor who smiled calmly at him. "No, let's do this," he said.
Dr. Kerman stood up slowly while she waited for Jack to sit. "Hello Jack. I'm Dr. Kerman. I'd like to thank you for coming to this meeting."
Jack nodded curtly. "Yeah, sure," he said, fighting hard to keep his leg from jiggling.
She sat down, making each movement exaggerated. "I've been meeting with Bobby for the past two and a half weeks. We've discussed several of his anger triggers and how he can work around those."
Jack listened to her speak about the previous meetings, his fingers nervously picking at his jeans. Dr. Kerman gestured to her desk. "I have several of your files, but I would rather speak to you directly about a few things."
He blinked. "Um, yeah that's fine," he said.
She nodded briskly. "So Jack, what was your first impression of Evelyn?" she asked.
Jack smiled briefly. "Her hair seemed to glow," he said sheepishly. "I know, that sounds stupid right?"
Dr. Kerman shook her head. "There's nothing stupid about how you feel."
Jack sighed. "She just seemed to glow, I guess. Like an angel." He rubbed at his other hand, his nerves jumping. "I don't really remember my real parents. I was put into foster care by the time I was two," he recalled, his voice quiet and sad.
"All I remember of my real mom was that she had the brightest blue eyes. And my dad is just a hazy blur, a dark outline looming over me. I wish I had something to remember them by," he whispered.
Bobby reached over and gripped Jack's free hand, his thumb rubbing soothing circles. Jack closed his eyes, his breath hitching as he swallowed over the hard lump in his throat.
"The years before Evelyn were…bad," he said, his voice straining. "I don't like to talk about it, if…if you don't mind."
Dr. Kerman scribbled down a quick note on one folder. "That's perfectly fine Jack, I'm aware of most of your history. I like to get a sense of how a person feels rather than just reciting the cold facts from a sheet."
"I, uh, that's interesting," he said.
Dr. Kerman tilted her head slightly. "What was your first night in the house like?" she asked, changing the topic when Jack's unease became more apparent.
Jack folded his arms loosely, cradling his sore arm as he thought back. "Noisy," he said finally.
Bobby grinned beside him. Dr. Kerman watched him smile at Jack, the look of love undeniable. "With that many boys in the house, I'd imagine it would be," she said, her voice soft.
"Yeah, it was a bit scary y'know? My last foster home before Ma's, it was so quiet. We weren't allowed to be seen or heard. Real old fashioned types," Jack said, his eyes suddenly sad.
"No talking, no touching, no laughing," he recited mockingly, his words bitter.
Bobby pulled him closer and whispered something in his ear. Jack tensed up for a second before nodding once at him and sighing. "Sorry," he mumbled.
"That's alright Jack. I know how hard this can be. If at any time you feel uncomfortable, please just let me know, and we'll work around it," Dr. Kerman said, her voice soothing and calm.
"Tell me what Angel and Jeremiah were like at first," she said, switching the question.
Jack laughed quietly. "Again, noisy. Always wrestling and arguing. They ate like horses, acted like guys I guess," he said, half-shrugging. "They never hurt me or anything, just y'know, fuckin' around. Took me awhile to get used to it."
"Ok and what about Bobby? What was he like?" she asked.
Jack snuck a glance at Bobby, biting his lip again.
"Say what you want Sweetheart," Bobby said, a small wave of guilt lashing at him.
Jack nodded before staring at the floor. "Bobby was, well is actually," he said, stumbling a bit. "He's strong, so strong. And he doesn't take shit," he said lowly, his words trailing off.
"I'm sorry, I didn't catch that last part," Dr. Kerman said, leaning forward a bit.
"He's beautiful," he whispered softly before blushing, the pinkness spreading quickly across his cheeks. Dr. Kerman sat back in her chair, a small smile on her face. Jack had unknowingly uttered the exact words that Bobby had used to describe him.
Bobby made an irritated noise. "Fuckin' fairy," he grumbled under his breath.
Dr. Kerman hid her laugh with a discreet cough. "Now Bobby, please don't disregard Jack's feelings towards you. It's important to him as well to you."
Jack grimaced. "Sorry. I didn't, I just," he said, his voice low and unsure. "Fuck," he muttered crossly.
Bobby pulled Jack closer to him again and ran one finger down the side of his face. "Hey, it's ok," he said quietly. "I just don't agree; that's all. You're beautiful, not me."
Jack shook his head mutely. "I..." he sighed. "I don't know, I just see you and it's right somehow."
Bobby hugged Jack to him abruptly. "Love you," he whispered fiercely, his grip firm.
Jack closed his eyes. It all seemed to have been such a horrid dream, it couldn't have really happened. He whispered back to Bobby, seemingly unaware of the doctor nearby.
They parted reluctantly, unwilling to completely let go of each other's hand. Dr. Kerman tapped her pen in a steady beat until they both turned to watch her.
"Well, I think we've established that you both love each other dearly. As I said, I've already spoken to Bobby and put into practice several of exercises that he can use for when his anger gets too much," she said.
Bobby sighed quietly. "They do help. I, uh, never really bothered with 'em before, but since the first meeting, I do the breathing ones now and it helps," he said, doing his best to look her in the eye.
Dr. Kerman blinked. "That's wonderful Bobby. I'm glad to hear that you've started doing the exercises. It's incredibly important that you recognize the warning signs that your body gives you and to learn how to stave off an angry outburst. That's not to say that you aren't allowed to experience anger or even express it, you just need to find a way to release your anger without hurting anyone else including yourself," she said, her eyebrows raised slightly.
Bobby rubbed his thumb over Jack's hand again. "I think I'm too scared not to do them, in case I get too mad," he said.
"In many cases with anger management we recommend using three methods of approach. To control your anger, firstly, you have to express it safely. A person who struggles with anger needs to learn how to make clear what your needs are, and how to meet them, without hurting others," Dr. Kerman stated.
Dr. Kerman studied the look on Jack's face, noting his confusion. "Is there something that you'd like to ask Jack?"
Jack looked at Bobby for a second, before staring at the floor. "Does it have to sound so text-book like?" he asked.
Dr. Kerman thoughtfully tapped her finger on the desk. "Bear with me Jack. Bobby is quite used to me telling him like a professor how to deal with his anger."
Bobby nudged Jack with his elbow. "Relax Jackie. I can handle it."
"As I was saying, anger can be suppressed, but only in a healthy manner. The ideal way to suppress your anger is to take inside why you are upset and to turn it into something positive. However, you must be sure to do that. Holding in your anger can cause many problems later on, not to mention health concerns as well," she continued, her voice lifting, and falling, rising with her words.
"Lastly, a person who finds themselves exploding over seemingly small things needs a moment to calm down, to remove themselves from the situation and breathe. I cannot emphasize that enough. Breathing deeply often helps to center a person and give them a moment to slow down," she said.
Bobby nodded once. Jack frowned. "So, now what?" he asked.
"Now, Bobby will be using these exercises daily, regardless of whether or not he's angry. Is there anything you'd like to discuss Jack?" she said firmly.
Jack stared at the floor, shaking his head. "No, its fine," he muttered.
Bobby exchanged glances with Dr. Kerman. "Jack? You ok?" he asked.
Jack breathed out slowly. "I'm just worried that maybe this won't help. It's not guaranteed is it?"
Bobby felt the sting in his eyes before he wanted to admit it. "I will not back down, Jack. I'll apologize every day if that's what you want. I'm doin' my best. I failed you the first time I hit you, and I'll never fully forgive myself for hurting you," he said, his voice low and sad, every word a guttural growl.
Jack looked off to the side. "I just want you to be happy, to not be angry all the time."
"I'm workin' on it Jackie, I swear," Bobby said. He got out of his chair and knelt in front of Jack. He held both his hands and waited for Jack to meet his eyes.
"What happened that night was not your fault. If I had told you where I was goin' that day, you wouldn't have gotten so pissed when I came back. I went for your birthday gift, that's all. I wanted to surprise you," he said.
Jack swallowed over the lump in his throat. "Oh god," he whispered. "I thought you forgot; that's why I was so mad."
Bobby closed his eyes. "Never, I wouldn't forget. I'm so sorry Sweetheart, I'm sorry that I fucked this up so badly for us. And for destroying the apartment, and your…your guitar," he said, his voice thick.
Jack felt a small weight lift off his chest at Bobby's admission. "I know," he said.
Bobby kissed Jack's hands, his heartbeat roaring in his ears. "Let me love you the way I should have from the start, please," he said.
Jack leaned down and captured Bobby's lips in a kiss, their lips meeting and sending sweet tingles through their bodies. "Promise me that it will be better," Jack murmured.
"I promise," Bobby said, his eyes closed. 'God don't let this be a dream,' he prayed feverishly.
Dr. Kerman politely cleared her throat. They broke apart with guilty looks on their faces. She smiled and Jack broke the moment by laughing slightly.
"Uh, sorry about that," he said. "Kinda forgot you were there."
"I enjoy a show every now and then," she said with a slight smirk.
Jack blushed while Bobby shook his head. "You are so much like Ma, it's scary," he swore.
000
Credit must be given to an excellent website that has many tips on dealing with anger problems.
From The American Psychological Association.-