Chapter 16

Recovery

An investigation into the attack uncovered a dual plot in which the Robinsons were to be killed by the intruders after the ball and the pilots were to be blown to bits by the escaped taxi. Miraculously, Lynn and the bomber were the only deaths, however, many people were seriously injured in the attack. The pilots were sequestered on Edwards Air Force Base for three days and then were given a week's leave to visit their families before returning to Houston. Jackson and Bryce left immediately. Don decided to accompany Lynn's body to her parents before visiting his own. Red, having no family to visit, split his time between checking up on Don and visiting Lieutenant Perry in the hospital. She would recover, but it would be a long road and her dreams of becoming an astronaut were crushed.

Don volunteered to clean out Lynn's office and was flooded with memories. His own graduation picture hung next to hers on the wall in front of her desk, as well as a picture of him standing next to his Datsun after he had picked it up from the paint shop. He remembered that he had driven it directly to Lynn so that she would be the first to ride with him in the fully restored vehicle. Guilt overwhelmed him… guilt that he had allowed Lynn to fall in love with him, guilt that he was in her office now and not with Judy, guilt that he had lived and Lynn had died.

The phone in the Robinson household never stopped ringing since the incident and they had gotten into the habit of allowing the answering machine to screen all calls. Don's voice was heard saying, "Judy, if you're there, please pick-up." No one responded, so Don continued with his message. "I want you to know that I'm going to Massachusetts to stay with Lynn's family until the services are over, and then I'm going to visit my family. I… I'll see you when I get back."

The Robinsons returned to Houston within days after the bombing and were required to move to the base permanently. John and Maureen hoped that getting back into their normal routine, if it could indeed be called 'normal,' would be the best thing for their children. John counted his blessings that his daughter had survived relatively unscathed, at least physically.

Despite the seriousness of the event, the tabloids had a field day with the story. A picture of Don standing by the casket at Lynn's funeral graced the newspapers and Judy found that she couldn't leave the base without being accosted by a reporter asking if she had known about the 'other woman.' She longed for her anonymity again.

As the days after the attack wore on, nightmares about the bombing and Don plagued Judy and she withdrew more and more. Her dreams became increasingly violent. Some had Don pushing her away to save Lynn, others had Don and Lynn being run over by the taxi, but the worst was the one in which Don and Lynn stare at her as she is blown to bits. She could almost feel her body being ripped apart and would wake up in a cold sweat. Then she would pace her room for the rest of the night, afraid to close her eyes and sleep again. Penny, although she was only ten years old, worried about her sister and reminded her that Don had stated that he had never loved Lynn, which made Judy feel even worse. Other than the phone message, Don had not called again.

In her heart, Judy knew that this was a serious set-back for their relationship and felt guilty that she even had these thoughts. A woman was dead. Her relationship with Don was inconsequential compared to what Lynn's family was going through. Judy came to believe that her compassion had left her, revealing her true selfish nature. For the first time since her family was chosen for the mission, she wished lift-off would occur tomorrow so that she could leave the earth behind and not look back.

One by one the pilots returned, and when the Datsun 280Z was once again parked in its usual spot, Judy rejoiced until she realized that it was Red who had driven it back from Los Angeles. Don was granted an extra week to spend with his family back East since he had been with Lynn's parents longer than expected. Training was reinstituted without him. The attitude of Alpha Control and Judy's parents was that the success of the mission was paramount to any personal relationship, and Judy was expected to delve back into training with a renewed sense of commitment and vigor. Judy, however, felt as if her brain had been numbed with Novocain and she was barely able to even go through the motions.

As Judy retreated deeper and deeper into herself, John and Maureen felt helpless. They asked Dr. Smith to speak with her and he diagnosed her with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. He recommended medication and therapy. She refused to take the medicine and refused to talk to him, so the illness took a firm hold of her.

When Don returned to Houston, Professor Robinson sought him out. He hated asking for his help, but he thought that if anyone could convince Judy to seek treatment, it would be Don. First, though, he had to release his anger at Captain West for ignoring his daughter over the previous three weeks.

John was notified when Don returned to the base and barely gave him time to settle into his room before calling him to his office.

"Captain West."

"Professor."

"Don't you want to know how Judy is?" the professor asked.

Don looked down at the carpet, guilt written across his face. He had thought about her everyday, but hadn't had the courage to call her. In essence, he had abandoned her to care for Lynn's family, but it was something he had to do. "I do, sir. I… I know I've hurt her."

"Yes, Captain, you did."

"She must hate me now."

"I wish that were true. You did quite a number on her. She has tortured herself into believing that she is a worthless, rotten person. She's even said that she's the one who should have died that night."

Don was horrified. "No! If anyone should have died, it should have been me!"

"I could almost agree with you. At least she would have eventually gotten over you, rather than retreat into a shell. She's a ghost of herself, Captain."

Don walked to the window and gazed out at the darkness. What had he done? He had chosen one over the other because he was afraid that he wasn't strong enough to carry both women in his heart at the same time. Nothing had changed. He still carried a torch for Judy… only Judy. "What can I do?" he whispered.

"See her and talk her into getting treatment."

He faced John. "Treatment for what?"

"PTSD. She is depressed and withdrawn. She's refusing medication and therapy."

"Trauma from the bombing…"

"Not just the bombing, Captain, but trauma from losing you."

"But she never lost me!"

"Then let that be the first thing you tell her."

"Where is she?"

"Home."

"I'm going."

"Captain!"

Don turned back to the professor.

"You know that Maureen and I have not been supportive of your relationship with her, but we need your help. Don't fail us, please."

Don stood outside the Robinson's new home on the base wondering if he would help her or hurt her again. He finally walked up to the door. Penny answered and hugged him tightly. "I'm so glad you're here," she said as she let him into the house.

"Welcome back, Captain West. I assume that John has spoken with you?" Maureen asked.

"Yes, Mrs. Robinson. I… I'm… Do you think she'll see me?" he asked.

"I don't know. Penny? Would you run up and tell Judy that Captain West is here?"

"Yes, Mom."

Even Will was subdued as he greeted Don. "Where have you been?" he asked.

"Taking care of things that needed to be done, Will," Don replied.

"Did you have to forget about us to do them?" he asked.

Trust a child to get right to the point. "No, Will. I didn't."

A soft voice wafted down from above. "Then why did you?"

He stood at the bottom of the steps and his eyes were drawn to hers, but he wasn't able to respond. As far as she knew, she was right. He had to say it, but the words wouldn't come. He had been a foolish coward. His eyes welled up and his voice stuck in his throat.

"Children, let's give them some privacy," Maureen said and led them to the kitchen.

He tried his voice again. "Judy…" He had no idea what to say next. There was no 'connection' between them and he felt utterly lost. "I'm sorry…"

She remained silent where she was.

"I should have called," he said.

"It doesn't matter anymore, Don. The only thing that matters is the mission," she replied and reentered her room, closing the door behind her.

He continued to stare at where she had been standing. How many times had he been told the same thing by his superiors… that their relationship was a mistake and they should remain focused on the mission and not each other. He felt shell-shocked and turned to leave. He placed his hand on the doorknob and froze. He had no idea how long he stood there.

As Professor Robinson came up the walk, he saw Don through the door's window, not moving. He wondered what the hell the Captain was doing. When John reached for the knob, there was no recognition in Don's eyes that he had even seen him. John rattled the knob, but Don's grip was so tight, it was as if it the door had been locked and the key tossed away. The movement, however, jarred Don back to reality.

Face to face with John in the doorway, Don was brought back to the moment and he asked, "Professor, permission to knock on Judy's bedroom door."

"Permission granted," John responded.

Talking to a closed door was a new experience for him, but he wouldn't let it deter him. "Judy, please come out and talk to me."

"Go away, Don. You don't need to be here."

"You're wrong, Judy. This is the only place where I can be right now."

Judy paced in her room. She had no desire to see him… none at all. She was afraid she would be overwhelmed by all of the emotions she had pushed aside so that she could function in a minimum capacity on the base. "Well, then you're going to be outside that door for a long time because I'm not coming out."

Of all the times for Judy to engage her stubborn streak… "Fine!" Don shouted and sat outside her door. "Unless you plan on shimmying out your second story window, you're going to have to come out and trip over me sooner or later."

Maureen had Will take a blanket up to Don when they retired for the night. She and John had made the den into their downstairs bedroom to better monitor security, which allowed each of the children to have their own room upstairs.

"Do you think we should let him stay outside her door all night, John? You know how stubborn Judy can get," Maureen asked.

"And I know how stubborn Captain West is, although he would call it 'persistence'. Let's see what happens. Things have to break sometime."

Maureen ventured out of her room early the next morning and checked on Don. He was curled up against the door, wrapped in the blanket and still sleeping. How he was able to sleep sitting up, she had no idea. Judy awoke and stayed in her room as long as she could. She pressed her ear against the door and heard nothing. Convinced that Don must have given up and left, she opened the door and Don tumbled inside the doorway, his head slamming on the floor. She stepped over him and ran into the bathroom. Don lay there, not knowing if he was asleep or awake with stars swimming before his eyes.

He sat up and rubbed his head. When he opened his eyes, Will and Penny were standing in front of him, Will staring, and Penny smiling. Now that Don was back, Penny knew things would be all right. As far as she was concerned, he belonged with them. She mouthed the word, "Coffee?" and Don nodded.

Will whispered, "Where's Judy?"

Don pointed to the bathroom door and Will grinned.

"Hurry up, Judy, I have to go!" Will shouted as he pounded on the door.

Judy knew she was trapped. She had been outmaneuvered by Don and had to face him.

Judy closed her eyes and froze her soul. She wouldn't let him know that she was hurting and vulnerable. She firmly believed that, if she put him out of her mind, she could become what her parents and Alpha Control wanted, a robotic crew member who did what she was told without worry and without reservation. She would become the perfect soldier.

Ready, she opened the door and paused to push her heart back into place when it leapt at the site of him. He melted when he saw her, but made no move to embrace her. Her back was ramrod straight as she nodded to him.

"Captain West. I take it that you still want to talk with me?" she asked.

If she wanted to play it cold and professional, so could he. "I do. Let's join your parents, shall we?"

Maureen and John were waiting for them in the kitchen, and Maureen busied herself with making tea. John looked at the two young people expectantly. Don held a chair out for Judy and she sat down. He took a chair next to her and started the intervention. "Judy, I want to start with an apology to you and your parents. I was wrong to not get in touch with you while I was away. I can't change what I did."

Judy interrupted him. "No, you can't. So why are you here?"

"He's here because I asked him to come," John stated.

Judy stood. "Oh, I knew it!" She turned ton Don. "You didn't want to come see me at all, did you? My father had to tell you to come!"

Don stood too. "That not why I came! I came because I needed to see you!"

"I don't believe that, Don. If you wanted to see me, you would have come days ago."

"Judy." He grit his teeth in frustration. "I just got back."

Maureen intervened. "Both of you stop and take a deep breath." She placed the tea mugs in front of them. "Now, sit down and fix your tea. Judy, we asked him to come because we're worried about you."

"I'm fine. You never should have made him come here," Judy stated.

Don reached out and took Judy's hand. She tried to pull away, but he held on tightly. He peered into her eyes and she couldn't avert her gaze. "No, you're not fine, Judy," he whispered. "Your parents and I can see that. You're hurt and angry… and I'm to blame. I'm sorry… You need professional help, and I'm not leaving you alone until you get it."

"If that's the only way I can be rid of you, then I'll get help. Satisfied?"

Don nodded. "For now…"

The four remaining pilots had been evaluated by Dr. Smith and received clearance to continue with training. Judy had been placed on 'probation' pending the outcome of treatment. Don had indeed convinced Judy to take anti-depressants and enter therapy with Dr. Smith, but her progress was minimal at best. Although she participated in the day to day training activities more fully and with better concentration, she still seemed detached and isolated from her loved ones.

Three months had passed and Judy's nineteenth birthday was on the horizon. Don was no closer to her than he had been the night he slept outside her bedroom door. She was in danger of being cut from the mission soon if she made no progress with her treatment. Don had no faith in Dr. Smith and investigated a new type of treatment called Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) for Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome that was being done in California.

Since he didn't expect Judy or the Robinsons to respect his opinion of Dr. Smith's psychological expertise, he called on her Aunt Colleen to propose allowing Judy to come to California for the treatment. Don made her promise that she would never mention that he had been the one to suggest the trip.

Although she had no interest in further therapy, Judy jumped at the chance to see her aunt and uncle and Joan again. Don had tried to warn Joan that Judy was a different person, but she was still unprepared for the woman who walked off the plane. Judy smiled and hugged them, but the enthusiasm and mirth that usually accompanied their reunions was gone. Judy had become a two-dimensional enigma.

When Joan asked her about what had happened between her and Don since the ball, Judy refused to respond. She automatically replied that her only interest was in training to become the perfect crew member for the mission and that was all that mattered. Joan was aghast. Judy acted as if she had no idea that she might be eliminated from the mission.

"Judy, are you sure that you're still going on the mission?" Joan asked.

"Of course I am. Why wouldn't I?"

"I read somewhere that you were on probation."

"Oh, that. I've made lots of progress. There's no reason for me not to go on the mission now, especially if Don doesn't get the pilot spot," she told Joan.

Joan shook her head. "Judy, one of the biggest reasons you decided to go was to be with him."

"That was a long time ago. There is no place for romantic entanglements on this space mission."

"How can you colonize a planet without a partner?"

"I'm not important, Joan. It's the families that follow us who will be colonizing."

"What about Don?"

"What about him?"

"Suppose he gets chosen, then what?"

"He'll just be our pilot, Joan. Once we get to wherever we're going, his part will be done."

Joan sighed. "God, Judy, you're talking like you have no emotions at all. What happened to you?"

"I've matured, Joan, that's all."

"Promise me you'll go to your therapy appointment tomorrow?"

"I'll go, but I don't need it."

"You know, I think I'll drive you just to be sure you get there."

Judy shrugged. She didn't know what all the fuss was about. As far as she was concerned, she had her life in order.

T Minus 6 Months and 16 Days…

Easter was early in 1997, March 30th, and the rest of the family came to California for a short spring vacation. Judy had completed six sessions of EMDR and her response to the treatment was phenomenal. It was difficult to describe the sessions to her parents, but she did her best to convey the process.

"They asked me to think of a visual image that I can focus on when we talk about the trauma. They also had me identify a negative belief about myself that resulted from the trauma and come up with a positive belief that I can substitute for it."

"What visual image did you choose, Judy?" Penny asked.

"Wait." Judy went through a series of rapid eye movements before responding. "I chose the picture that was in all the papers of Don standing next to Lynn's casket with his hand on it."

"I can see where the rapid eye movements comes in. How does that help?" John asked.

"I'm not sure, Dad. All I know is that it calms me and I can deal with the emotions that I'm feeling when I think about it."

"And what were your negative and positive beliefs, Judy?" Maureen asked.

"My negative belief was that I wasn't the compassionate, good person I thought I was. I kept telling myself that I should have died and Lynn should have lived so that she and Don could be together."

"Do you still believe that?" Maureen said.

"I'm… I'm not sure, mother. I no longer feel that I should have died. I know I'm a good person."

"It sounds as if you're cured," John guessed.

"No, not yet, Dad. That belief isn't firmly entrenched in my psyche yet… and I don't think I could face Don without breaking down, but as long as he's not chosen as the pilot, that might not matter."

John and Maureen exchanged glances and Maureen said, "Judy, there is something we need to tell you about Don."

Her husband stared at his wife, not sure they should continue, but she nodded at him. "He has been chosen as the pilot," John softly stated. "The announcement won't be made for a couple of months yet, but, unless something drastic happens, he'll be sitting in that seat. Will you be able to handle that?"

Judy turned away from her parents, her face flushed and warm from the emotions that raced through her mind. She performed her eye movements again. She had no idea if she could handle it or not.

Unbeknownst to Judy or her parents, Don kept in close contact with Joan while the family was in California. Instead of traveling back East, he remained in Houston during the spring break because he had a gut feeling that Judy would need him and he wanted to be available. He considered pestering General Bowers into holding a jet on stand-by for him so he could fly out to Edwards Air Force Base at a moment's notice, but thought better of it. There was no reason to aggravate the general too far in advance.

Judy had two more appointments scheduled for the week after Easter and her treatment would be complete. Her therapist strongly suggested that Judy arrange a meeting with Don before the final session to determine if the treatment had indeed done its job. Judy had resisted the suggestion, but once her parents made their announcement, she knew that she either had to drop out of the program and remain behind, or face her greatest fear.

After dinner on that Easter Sunday, Judy discussed her dilemma with her extended family. "My therapist wants me to see Don before I terminate therapy."

"I think that's an excellent suggestion, Judy," her Aunt Colleen said.

"Especially since he's our pilot," her father added.

"I can do one other thing, Dad." Judy hesitated. "I can drop out of the program again."

John sighed. "Judy, when you made a commitment to stay with the family, I didn't think it had anything to do with Don."

Maureen knew better and intervened. "I think it had a lot to do with Don at the time, dear, but Don doesn't know he's been chosen, yet. We can still choose Captain Miles or Major Bryce as the pilot."

"No." John was adamant. "Those pilots all put forth their best effort and Don has consistently come out on top. He has earned that spot. I know it causes complications, but I can't let Judy's relationship with him change that decision. He is the best man for the job. Oh, and, by the way, don't let him know that yet."

Jim, who always liked Don, added, "And that's saying a lot considering how low your opinion of him was in the beginning."

Joan listened to all of them and took matters into her own hands… again.

"I know that it's not fair to the mission or to Don to let my personal feelings interfere. My therapist says that I have to face my fears," Judy stated.

"What are you afraid of, Judy?" Joan asked.

"That…" She stopped. 'That he doesn't want me anymore,' was what she was thinking, but what she said was, "That there is nothing left between us."