Non-Memories You Push Away

Three days later Meredith was operating as if nothing happened. She tried with every fiber of her being to put it behind her. She really wanted to try and focus on the positive; not dwell on the past.

Mark was there. That thought alone brought a smile to her face whenever she felt herself slipping. She knew she had a lot to deal with, but that would have to wait until later. It was the way she survived.

Her friends had all noticed the change, both for good and bad. She talked to them, which is more than she ever did before, but her demeanor had slightly changed. She walked tall, but the moment she thought no one was looking she faltered. They weren't sure what it would take to fix her. It seemed like she was trying to remember to breathe.

Life shouldn't be that hard.

But, hers was, and she was dealing with it.

Meredith sat down for lunch. A small smile crept across as she felt a familiar presence.

"Is this seat taken?"

She shook her head, making eye-contact with the Chief. "No sir," she chuckled. "Even if it were, I'm sure you would've taken it anyway."

Derek smirked and sat down, opening his bottled water and moving his pasta around. He decided to dive right into the subject he wanted to discuss for the last couple of days.

"Are you breathing?"

She chuckled, with a hint of bitterness. Luckily, the sarcastic scoff came across as amusement. "You know, that line didn't go over too well the first time you used it on me."

He grinned, "I know, which is why I thought I'd give it another shot."

She took a bite of her salad. "Yes," she looked pensive, "I'm breathing."

The two knew what it meant. There was no need for a long redundant conversation. He had his answer.

"Good."

Silence allowed the two to nearly finish their meals.

"He loves you."

She smiled. "I know."

He sighed and made eye-contact, an understanding exchanged by glance.

"How did we end up here?" Meredith asked as she leaned back.

Derek smiled, joining her as he relaxed in his chair. "We knew when to let go."

She nodded, offering a smile as she stood up. "I guess we did." She picked up her tray. "Thanks Derek; I'm glad we stayed friends."

Derek smiled in return, "Me too."

Three hours later the five interns were in their old hang-out area in the basement. Each had a ten minute break before the annual staff meeting. Though they all loved surgeries, they silently savored the opportunity to sit down, off their feet, and listen to people ramble about policies and developments and such. As they knew and dated much of the senior staff, they actually tried to pay attention to the subject matter.

"I'm getting married in a month and a half."

"Yes," Izzie added excitedly, "and everything is mostly all set!"

Alex looked at George, "Is she getting married, or Christina?"

George chuckled, "I don't know anymore."

Meredith shuffled through her magazine, "Did you guys know that if you drink a beer a day, you gain sixteen pounds in a year?"

Everyone glanced at their stomachs. "Which is why we mainly do liquor," Christina answered.

"Well, at least the girls do," Izzie said, noticing that the men were still examining their mid-sections.

Meredith's and George's pagers went off. The both looked down absentmindedly, mechanically silencing the beep, Meredith still amused by the current conversation. "I guess Mark is a freak of nature then. Have you seen his abs?"

"Geez Mer, lusty much?" Izzie said.

Alex laughed, "And you say men treat girls like animals."

Christina sided with the women, "Hey, she's just admiring the perfection."

"Okay, let's steer the conversation away from my man's body," Meredith laughed.

George looked pale. "Uh, Mer?"

Meredith composed herself. "Yeah?"

He continued timidly. "You need to check this page."

She was fully focused now, grabbing her pager. "Why?"

She read the message. She wasn't aware of the sound that escaped her lips, "Oh."

George got up as the rest of the group quieted, very much aware of what the page entailed.

"Mer?"

She got up and replaced her pager, letting the magazine fall to the ground. "Uh, yeah."

"Come on," he ushered her to the door. "We'll take you there."

They arrived outside of his room. Lexi was already there, crying over Thatcher's body. Meredith looked at George, sensing his dilemma. She gave a sad and forced smile.

"Go ahead George. She needs you."

He looked at her, unsure.

She shooed him away. "I'll be fine. Go ahead."

Nervous about the reality of the situation not being faced by her friend, Izzie started, "Mer, are you okay?"

Meredith gulped, no tears evident. "No." She looked at Christina. "Someone needs to tell Derek we won't be at the meeting." It was more of a statement that a request. Her eyes didn't leave Lexi after that; or the lifeless body of her the man that helped create her.

Derek glanced at his watch as Miranda did the same. It was five minutes after the meeting was scheduled to start.

"They never learn," Miranda said.

Derek chuckled, "I hate to do it, but we have to start without them."

Both had a funny feeling about all five residents absent at the same time. Derek looked over as Mark walked toward him.

"I'll go find out where they are. Go ahead and start the meeting."

Derek grinned, whispering, "You just don't want to be in this meeting."

Mark smirked, walking away. "You said it, not me, Chief."

Derek shook his head. When were these people going to recognize his authority?

"Okay," he cleared his throat, addressing his staff. "Let's begin."

It took a few minutes, but George was able to get Lexi to step away so that they could take Thatcher to the morgue.

Izzie and Christina stood and watched Meredith, expecting her to break at any moment. She hadn't cried, moved, or said anything since they'd arrived.

Alex stood slightly behind Meredith. He softly placed a hand on her shoulder and whispered, "I'm not going anywhere." He took a step back and watched her.

Mark rounded the corner and smirked as he saw Christina and Izzie leaning against the nurses' station. His grin faltered as he noticed they looked…sad. That was when he saw Meredith and Alex.

It didn't look good.

His thoughts were confirmed as Thatcher's body was wheeled out. He tried to follow Meredith's gaze. It didn't change.

Christina, Izzie, and Alex did the same, surprised when her focus didn't shift to the body being taken away from the room it had previously occupied. Instead, it stayed with Lexi.

Lexi, her sister; the one her father actually cared about.

Meredith watched as she crumbled to the ground, George looking helpless with a few tears himself, no doubt remembering how he felt when his father died.

Alex saw Mark advance, nodding as he stepped further back to join Christina and Izzie. Meredith didn't make any indication that she was aware of Mark's presence. He timidly called out for her, her name coming out more as a need to confirm her state than as an address.

"Mer?"

She didn't move at first. Reluctantly tearing her gaze from Lexi, she faced Mark.

"I'm not okay," she spoke, evenly, mechanically. "But right now, Lexi needs me." She gave his hand a squeeze has he pulled her into a hug. She stepped away, mouthing a programmed but genuine thank you to her friends.

Mark watched her way, his tears in place of her expected ones. They didn't spill over, not getting the chance to. He didn't blink as he watched Meredith enter the room, relieving George of consolation.

George took a step back, not wanting to leave Lexi, but understanding the two needing to be together. He solemnly joined the three already seated, passing Mark as he leaned against the counter.

Meredith joined Lexi on the floor, Lexi briefly stifling her sobs as she looked at Meredith, searching in confusion as to why she was helping her grieve for a man who had done nothing but hurt her. She was quickly assuaged when she looked at Meredith's eyes. There was only compassion directed at Lexi.

A few minutes later Lexi's sobs subsided. Meredith pulled her up and made sure she was okay. Lexi nodded and Meredith led her out, joining the group.

They rose and looked at her expectedly.

"Mark, could you take Lexi and me to her house?"

Mark nodded, unsure of what was going on.

Meredith addressed the rest. "Thank you guys, for staying. You guys can meet us at the house later."

They nodded, also unsure, but knowing that Meredith was doing what she needed to do.

"George, you can come to Lexi's. I know she wants you there."

George followed the three to the lounge.

"Is she…"

"She'll be fine Izzie," Christina finshed.

"Yeah," Alex drifted off. "She will be. Eventually."

They were headed to the meeting when Derek advanced quickly towards them.

"You're telling Sheppard," Christina barked at Alex.

"Why me?"

"Because she said so," Izzie added.

Derek stopped in front of them. "Care to explain?" He looked around. "Where is everyone else?"

Alex ran a hand through his hair. "Um…well…"

"Oh spit it out Karev," Derek cut him off.

Christina rolled her eyes. "Thatcher's dead," she huffed.

Body ready to yell, Derek exhaled. "Oh." He let his clipboard fall to his side. "Well then, carry on."

The car ride to Lexi's house was a quiet one. Meredith inwardly cringed. She never stopped to think that Lexi's house was Thatcher's. Mark felt her tense as he held her hand.

"You okay?"

She nodded, not making eye-contact. "Mmhmm."

The three got out of the car and went inside. Meredith didn't look around in order to avoid any feeling of jealousy to creep up. She needed to be clear and unbiased for Lexi.

George arrived shortly after and the four of them made small funeral arrangements. The rest of the family was notified. Everything was completed within the hour. Most of the other things had already been taken care of. His death wasn't a surprise.

Meredith's eyes surveyed the room as she waited for Lexi to change. She didn't want to, but it was hard not to notice all of the family pictures and trinkets lying around. Mark and George made themselves scarce in the kitchen.

Her eyes watered at the reminders of Susan. She shook her head as to make them disappear, succeeding as Lexi returned with an album. She sat down on the couch and flipped through it. She motioned for Meredith to join her.

"This is my favorite picture," Lexi chuckled, a tear making a trail down her face. "This was when I graduated high school. He was happy then. Really happy."

Meredith surveyed the picture. Lexi, Molly, and Terry were smiling with Thatcher and Susan on the ends. Lexi had about three leis and smiled widely as she held her diploma.

She got up quickly.

"Mer?"

She cleared her throat. "I'm sorry; I can't do this."

Realizing what happened, she put her head down. "No, I'm sorry, I didn't mean-"

Meredith held her hand up. She offered a small smile. "I know; it's just…harder than I thought."

She turned to walk away, pivoting back, "But I'll be here for you as much as I can." She looked at her hands. "I'm sorry for your loss."

Lexi smiled, got up, and placed the album down. She walked over to Meredith, engulfing her in a hug. "Thank you."

Meredith, somewhat taken aback, returned the hug. "You're welcome."

She quickly made her way to the kitchen, the men standing up at her presence.

"Mer?"

She looked at Mark. "I need to leave."

He once again nodded and grabbed his coat, gesturing good-bye to George.

Meredith turned around. "Thanks George. Take care of her."

He nodded. "Mer?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm sorry too, you know, for you." He walked to and gave her a hug.

She nodded. "I'll see you tomorrow."

Mark opened the door to his apartment and watched Meredith put her things down carefully. He scrunched his eyebrows as he noticed she never did that. She always threw her stuff on the couch and called it a day.

He decided to let her speak first. She was doing really good with that lately. She would do it when she was ready. By the pensive look on her face and language of her body on the couch, he figured that would be right about…

"I don't care."

"Babe?" he inquired. He took a seat next to her.

She seemed to momentarily ignore him. "I mean, I do care, but I don't. I guess I'm kind of glad that he's dead. I mean, not for Lexi, and not in the 'I wish you were dead' kind of way, but glad that I won't have to deal with him." She looked at Mark, suddenly realizing something. "Okay, I still have a lot of stuff to deal with. I just thought when he died it would be easier, you know, since we knew it was coming." She chuckled bitterly. "But it's a good thing he chewed me out before he died. He made me get the grieving out of the way. I don't feel anything. Is that bad that I don't feel anything? Okay, maybe hate, but hate would require me to care. And I don't care. At least I don't want to."

She watched as Mark stared at her. "What?"

He smirked slyly, happy that she was sharing but also wary of where it was going. "Nothing. I'm glad you're talking."

She scoffed, "You mean rambling?"

"Rambling is good; that constitutes talking."

The two shared a glance for a moment, comfortable in the gaze. Meredith broke it when she got up. "Let's take this to the bed."

Momentarily caught of guard, he joined her. "Babe, are you sure you want to…"

"Head out of the gutter Sloan." She grabbed his hand and led him to the bedroom. "I'm tired and want to lie down."

Slightly embarrassed he obliged and followed her. He watched her change clothes and reluctantly did the same.

'Now is not the time to think about that Sloan.'

He brushed nature aside and focused on the woman that needed him. He got in bed and motioned her to find her spot on his chest. He wouldn't tell her, but that was his favorite.

"Am I horrible that I can't cry?"

She could feel Mark's body move. "No; I think it's like you said, you grieved before. Maybe you've just reached your point and you've had it."

She nodded, her hair grazing his chest as she drew circles on his stomach.

He really wished she'd stop doing that.

"But, in case you find out later that you need to finish, I'm here. When we go to the funeral-"

"I'm not going."

Succeeding in hiding his surprise, he asked, "Are you sure?"

She contemplated for a moment. "Yes. You go there to honor and remember a loved one, right?"

"Yes."

"Well," she sighed. "I don't want to do either."

"Okay then."

"Okay?"

"Yes. Whatever you decide, we'll do it together."

He could feel her smile. "Mark?"

"Yeah?"

"Let's go on a vacation; just you and I."

He played with her hair. "Okay, where?"

"I don't know." She sat up on his chest. "As long as it's away from here."

He chuckled. "Okay. And when is said trip taking place?"

She sighed, lying back down. "I guess after the wedding. Christina won't say it, but she'll mostly freak if I'm not here and then show up for the wedding. She might skip town."

"Very true." He paused, "Mer?"

She looked up at him. "Yes?"

"I love you, you know that, right?"

She nodded, "Yes." She looked around.

"What are you doing? Serious moment here," he joked.

"I was just checking for secret wives."

"I'm not Derek."

She wasn't sure if there was a glint of hurt behind that statement or not, but she regretted it either way.

"I know. I'm sorry."

"I guess I can forgive you; you share my bed and everything."

She laughed, a real laugh since earlier that day. "That's good to know." She snuggled under him as they spooned. He turned the light off.

"Mark?"

"Mmhmm."

"Thank you."

A/N: Two more to go folks! You guys are great!

MarianaTeresia: Lol. You are on the right page about that name!

Murgy31: I'm glad they didn't come off too cheesy!

KB22: Lol. You and one other got that one. Thank you so much!

TVHollywoodDiva: Thank you. Hope you enjoy the last two!

Aries03: I know, if she would have chosen Finn then Derek would have stepped up and really been good to her. And maybe she would've wised up a little. But yup, definitely into the AU MerMark.

Onlyone-chance8720: Yes, I totally ADORE long reviews. I did a happy dance when I viewed yours. Thank you so much for the compliment. LUVED IT! Made my night. I know, two more chapters. Glad you LOVE it. 

Merderdreamy5: Believe it or not, if they do it RIGHT, I'm sure he could change for her on the show. They'd have to really convince me though.

Katherine Austen: Thank you! HUGE compliment. How's your ribbon doing? Let me know if you need another