Woolsey's Worries

A/N: Dedicated to all those poor poor souls for whom the sufferance of another year in highschool is over, and another year looms ahead. Also, as I write, there are over 3,100 hits on this story. Thank you so much for your continued support and reviews.

"General O'Neill, I cannot stress strongly enough the misgivings I have about allowing this…child…to have free reign of Atlantis, which, may I remind you, is one of the most vital pieces of homeworld security!" expostulated Woolsey, who was clearly becoming frustrated with the entire situation and everyone's attitudes.

"Aw, cummon Woolsey! She doesn't have 'free reign'! If you have haven't noticed from the security footage, there's always, and need I repeat, ALWAYS a minimum of two special forces marines dogging her steps!" groaned General O'Neill, who was becoming equally frustrated and irritated with Woolsey's constant nay-saying, bureaucratic nonsense and insistence that Mairghread was sent by a wraith queen to infiltrate, brainwash and take over Atlantis as part of a larger scheme to attack earth. Again.

Woolsey scoffed. "And what good are they?! General, have you seen how everyone acts around her?! Clearly, she's already begun to brainwash them! A typical wraith tactic!"

"She hasn't brainwashed them! At least," he modified, "Not in a wraith way."

Woolsey simply stared at him as though he had lost his marbles.

"Woolsey," inquired Jack in his best, slightly patronizing, man-of-the-world-asks-naïve-underling way, "How many six-year-olds have you been around?"

'I-I, uh, well, none," admitted Woolsey after some stuttering and trying to see where this is going.

"Ah," said O'Neill, holding up a finger in his now-we're-getting-somewhere-with-this-block-head manner. "She hasn't brainwashed them because she's a wraith. She's got them acting like this because she's a six-year-old!"

"Pft!" said Woolsey in derision. "General, I hardly think—"

"That's absolutely correct Woolsey! You do hardly think!" shouted O'Neill with sarcastic glee. "If you had ever spent more than two seconds around a HUMAN six-year-old, you'd know that they get people to act exactly like this due to a highly evolved, subconscious survival brainwashing technique!"

The bureaucrat gave him a blank look, and then a look that clearly stated 'I think you have had one head injury too many'.

"Six-year-olds are like dogs," continued Jack in his wise-man-explaining-to-a-stupid-younger-man way, "They brainwash everyone they come into contact with as a survival method. Why else would we put up with them?"

"General O'Neill," a fed-up Woolsey began in his bureaucratic patronizing way before O'Neill cut him off with a wave of his hand.

"It's a moot point, Woolsey," he said, cutting the younger, yet bald, man off. "Move on. Please."

"Fine. Her increased telepathic abilities make her a threat to the entire program. She could easily manipulate the entire expedition into doing whatever she wanted."

"That's your clincher?" scoffed O'Neill incredudously. "She's telepathic? God, am I glad you weren't around when I had the ancient database in my brain and started building things without knowing what the hell I was doing."

"No," countered Woolsey, "The 'clincher' is she's a wraith."

"Now that," said Jack, his anger growing by the second, "is blatant, out right racism."

"General O'Neill, I have yet to be shown one trust-worthy wraith."

"If all you knew of the Germans were SS officers, of course you wouldn't have found one trust-worthy or compassionate German! If all you knew of the US was its bureaucrats, you'd think we deserved to be wiped off the face of the earth for being self-righteous ass-holes!"

"General O'Neill, you have clearly been biased in favor of her because of her mentioning your son."

Jack's jaw became hard and set. Woolsey had gone too far.

"Woolsey, that has nothing to do with the security non-threat Ma…Mair..Mary poses to this base!"

"All I'm saying is, General, clearly she brought up your son to manipulate you, and now any opinion you offer must be considered tainted," Woolsey argued.

"Woolsey, shut up," O'Neill ordered the bureaucrat. "I could forth an equally convincing argument that your bias taints your opinion."

Woolsey laughed breathlessly. "My bias?!"

"Yes, your bias," O'Neill repeated as he got up from his chair and headed for the door. "So shut up, and write that report without all your damn racism, or I'll talk to my friends in the IOA and have you brought up before the ethics committee."

TBC

Next: Woolsey's Waterloo