Tuesday evening Marissa was sitting at her desk trying to finish off an assignment that was due on Friday when her phone rang. Glancing at the caller ID, she smiled and then quickly answered. "Hi. How are things going?"

Molly's voice greeted her. "Not so good. They've scheduled a mastectomy for tomorrow and then after she recovers from that she will need a course of Chemotherapy." Molly explained. "We're just trying to stay positive at the moment. She's going to beat this thing."

"I'm sure she will. With you on her side it's a certainty." Marissa replied. She knew that trying to stay positive was about all that they could do right now.

"Thanks. I'm really happy that I can be here for Mom right now." Molly explained. "But I just wanted to touch base and see how things went at work last night?"

"Good." Marissa replied simply, not wanting to elaborate. She had spent too much of today already thinking back to her evening at the gym and more importantly a pair of blue eyes that she couldn't get out of her mind.

"Good? That's it?" Molly asked.

"Yep." Marissa replied.

"There must be more to it than that? Did you use the opportunity to scope out potential candidates?" Molly asked.

The silence at the other end of the line had her instantly intrigued.

"Come on? Fess up. I'm sure there was someone that passed through that would be able to do the job?" Molly teased.

"Don't talk like that." Marissa replied. "It's not like that." she insisted.

"Yes it is." Molly replied jokingly. She was trying to lighten the mood. The reason that Marissa was even in this situation was because she took everything much too seriously. If she could just loosen up a bit then Molly was sure that she'd have the guys flocking around her.

"I don't want it to seem like that." Marissa explained. "That sounds so …."

"Flippant? Crass?" Molly suggested but Marissa didn't reply so she added. "Well it is a little, I guess." She admitted. "But isn't that all you want? You only have a few weeks until your 21st?"

"Don't you think that I know that?" Marissa replied.

"Well? … If you are going to lose that cherry before then, all you need is some guy to pluck it." She said stating the obvious. "It's not like you have enough time to form a relationship with him before hand. Anyhow, remember how well it went when you tried that last time?" Molly teased.

Marissa gulped and then said. "You don't have to remind me." She did indeed remember. She didn't think that she would ever forget the embarrassment.

"So you just have to promise me that you'll at least keep a look out?" Molly asked.

"I really don't think that a gym is the place to find someone. I'm keeping a look out at the library." Marissa assured her.

"The library? What? You check out the guys that are taking out the Karma Sutra and ask if they want someone to practice on? Come on Marissa. You need to get serious about this otherwise I swear I am going to give you a male hooker as a birthday present." Molly threatened.

"Don't tempt me. That may be my last resort." Marissa assured her. She couldn't help but smile at Molly's suggestion or maybe it was more of a threat. She knew her friend only wanted to help.

"So there was NO one that even tweaked your interest last night?" Molly asked.

Again her question was met by a deathly silence that Molly was sure meant something. She just didn't know what.

"Some guy Luke was looking for you." Marissa stated flatly trying to change the subject.

"Ha. Luke Ward?" Molly laughed. "I'm sure that he'd do it for you." She assured Marissa. "Although … maybe not. I think that he and Ryan probably go for the more experienced type. But hey … you could always ask?"

"Is Ryan the guy that was with him?" Marissa asked, trying to sound as if she was just making polite conversation and wasn't waiting with baited breath for the answer.

"Probably." She answered. "Blonde, blue eyes. Body that could keep you awake all night … or fill your dreams … one of the two?" Molly asked with a chuckle. "They usually come in together." She explained.

Marissa could feel her heart race at her friend's description. She thought the answer was definitely … BOTH. The thought of him had kept her awake last night AND filled her dreams when she had finally fallen asleep. "That sounds like him." She replied not wanting to sound interested but obviously failing.

"Oh girl! Let's not get too carried away here. If you're after Ryan you are going to have to wait in line. So is just about every unattached female on campus. Only someone as sheltered as you wouldn't already have come up on his radar. But the guy's a player Marissa. Not your sort at all. I thought that you were hoping to find another virgin?" Molly asked, knowing that Ryan definitely didn't fit into that category. She was happy to support Marissa in her quest to lose her virginity. After everything that she'd been through in the last couple of years there was no doubt that if that's what she wanted then that's what she deserved. But she didn't want it to end badly. And even though Molly liked Ryan she was scared that he would end up making Marissa's tenuous self confidence even worse; that he would intimidate her solely on the weight of his own experience.

"I'm not sure that there is another virgin over the age of twenty on this planet." Marissa said dejectedly.

"Maybe you could add the question to the library registration form?" Molly teased.

"Maybe I will." Marissa taunted back. "But have you finished giving me a hard time yet? I have an assignment to finish off that you're keeping me from." Marissa informed Molly, making her know that she didn't want to talk about it anymore.

"This is nothing compared to the 'hard' time that SOME guy is going to be giving you in the next couple of weeks." Molly teased. "But I'll leave you to your assignment. Have fun tomorrow evening but I'd steer clear of Luke and Ryan." She warned.

Marissa hung up but continued looking at the phone. Easier said than done; how was she going to get him out of her mind?

She thought back to the problem at hand.

She wanted to lose her virginity.

As Molly said … she took everything too seriously. She just wanted to lighten up and be 'normal'; something that seemed to have passed her by somehow. Here she was studying Creative Writing and American Literature and the only romance that she'd ever experienced had been in the pages of books. Even one of her lecturers had commented on a recent assignment that her romantic figures were "wooden" and that she needed to get more life in them. It had been the final straw in convincing her that the time had come.

She knew that she wasn't frigid even though it had been suggested to her on a couple of occasions. And the dreams that she'd had about Ryan last night had definitely confirmed that.

How had she ended up in this position she wondered?

But she had a fairly good idea.

It started back in senior year of high school. She had been going out with the same guy since junior high. Kurt Schmidt. It had been a shock at first that a boy was even interested in her. She was very conscious of the fact that she went through puberty early and she was taller and more developed than almost everyone in her year, boys included … except Kurt. So obviously it must have been a match made in heaven she'd thought at the time. However, as the years of high school passed it became obvious to her that they had very few interests in common. But … they lived in a small mid western town and their parents had become close friends … so it was easier to just go along with it. As she became more and more of a book worm immersing her self in literature of all sorts, Kurt became the school jock and football hero just as his older brother Clay had done three years earlier. By senior year, it was obvious to her, that they had no future together but since the year was almost over she decided that to save any unpleasantness, she would just stay with him until she went off to college. She had already decided that she was going to go to Berkeley and he was heading off to the East Coast on a football scholarship so she wouldn't need to see him again. She just needed to get through to graduation. Then her parents had planned a road trip to San Francisco over the summer to help get her settled in. She was sure that she'd made the right decision by not actually breaking up with him and causing problems between their families.

It happened one Friday night. Kurt was playing football in a nearby town and had asked her to go and watch him but she had declined. They weren't actually fighting but they weren't getting along too well either. Kurt had been pressuring her to go all the way recently and she knew that she wasn't ready. She didn't think that she ever would be … with him. There had been some awful comments thrown around, with him threaten to find his 'kicks' elsewhere and Marissa telling him to go right ahead. But he'd backed down and asked her to meet him after the game so that they could talk.

She'd reluctantly agreed. But she didn't want to meet him at the diner where all the team congregated after a game. They would have no chance to talk privately there and so she consented to meeting him at his house. His parents had gone away for the weekend and the only person there would be Clay who wouldn't bother them. They agreed to meet at 9:30pm and she still remembered that she'd decided whilst walking the couple of blocks to his house that night that she wished she had it in her to finish it off once and for all. She didn't know if she could keep going through with this charade for another few weeks just to keep the peace. She walked up to the house and knocked on the door expecting Kurt to answer and was surprised when Clay opened the door. He informed her that Kurt wasn't home yet but that she should come in and wait. It was obvious that he had been drinking but she didn't see how she could refuse? She'd known him most of her life so she kept telling herself that she had no reason to be afraid of him. Plus Kurt would be there any minute. So she went inside and sat down in front of the TV.

Clay had offered her a beer and settled down beside her. Marissa declined and tried to move further away. She remembered wondering did he know nothing about 'personal space' because he was definitely invading hers. But he just moved closer again. She could see from the empty bottles that he'd obviously consumed quite a few beers already and she guessed that they must have clouded his good judgement because he was making her feel very uncomfortable. Clay suggested that they watch some porn together to get her in the mood for her rendezvous with Kurt and Marissa was horrified. She decided she couldn't stay there with him any longer but as she went to stand up to leave, Clay grabbed her and pushed her down on to the couch. Marissa had tried to push him off but Clay had laughed at her feeble attempts. He was so much bigger … so much stronger. He just kept telling her to stay still. That it would all be over quickly.

At his words she had fought even harder but he had just pinned her with his weight. Taunting her. Telling her that he knew what she and Kurt intended to do that evening because Kurt had borrowed condoms from him before he went to the football game. Clay told her that he'd been amazed that she had kept Kurt waiting so long but that since she had, that he thought that it would be only fair if she knew what she was doing when they finally got together. Otherwise she wouldn't be able to 'please' his little brother. He suggested that, after all this time it was the least she could do.

No matter how hard she had tried to resist, Clay assured her that she was just confirming what he had told Kurt earlier that day … that girls like her liked a man to take charge and that roughing her up a bit would just turn her on more. She was screaming that Kurt would be there any minute and then Clay informed her that Kurt had rung to say that the bus had broken down on the way back from the game and that it looked like he would be quite some time before he got home. Clay suggested that by then Kurt would be able to join in with the fun and she could find out for her self that brothers really do share.

By this time Clay was pawing her. He'd ripped the buttons from her blouse and had pinned her shoulder down with his left elbow while his left hand was inside her bra kneading her breast as his right hand was trying to force its way between her legs. Marissa could feel his rock hard dick pressing into her leg and she was panic stricken. His fingers were hurting her as they pushed into the muscles of her upper thighs forcing them apart and as she felt the cotton of her panties rip and his fingers push their way into her she summoned up one last bit of strength and managed to move just far enough to reach over and grab one of the empty beer bottles from the table and she brought it down on Clay's head.

He was momentarily stunned and moved his hand from between her legs to feel the back of his head looking for blood. It gave her just enough time while he was distracted for Marissa to take the opportunity and push him off and run for the door. She heard him coming after her but she just ran and ran and ran knowing that he was in no fit state to follow.

When she'd gotten home she had slipped in through the back door and crept in to her room. She considered telling her parents but decided against it. Her parents had been fighting a lot lately and she didn't want to give them one more reason to fight. Plus she knew that her mother would probably think that Marissa had asked for it. She'd tried to get Marissa to go on the pill a year ago because she had said that a guy like Kurt could only wait so long and that Marissa would need to 'look after him' or he'd find his pleasures elsewhere. Julie would probably say that Marissa was a prick tease and her father would stand up for Marissa and then her parents would start fighting again. She didn't want them using her as an excuse to fight.

Looking back now she realised that she shouldn't have worried. Her parents had only stayed together for a few months after she'd left for college. It seemed that she had been the only thing keeping them together. As it turned out, her mother had been having an affair with Kurt's father and when the truth came out the two families totally self destructed. Her mother now lived with Kurt's dad and Kurt and Clay lived with them. Marissa refused to go anywhere near them and hadn't ever returned to her home town preferring to spend her vacations with her father who had moved and now lived in LA.

So that night, after Clay's attack, Marissa had quickly taken off her clothes, thrown them in the bin and hopped into the shower. Even though technically nothing had happened she still felt dirty. He'd had his hands all over her. His attack was horrible but Kurt's betrayal was almost as bad. She still couldn't believe that he had borrowed condoms from Clay just that day. Here she was thinking that the reason that he wanted to talk was because he had finally accepted that she wasn't ready to sleep with him and that he was prepared to wait. But it appeared that he had thought exactly the opposite. Either he had intended to force himself on her or, he intended to find his pleasures elsewhere and needed them to use on some other girl – either way she knew that she never wanted to see him or his brother again.

She had spent the last few weeks of her senior year as a virtual recluse even feigning illness to avoid going to her senior Prom. She just wanted the year over and done with … as soon as possible.

But looking back she realised that things really hadn't improved much since then.

Settling in at college and meeting up with Molly had been great. They had hit it off from the first time they met. They were both very different but their differences seemed to serve to complement one another and over the last 3 years they had gotten closer and closer. Molly was the sister that Marissa had always wanted and no one on this earth knew the real Marissa as Molly did. Molly was like her older sister even though she was actually younger by a few months. But she seemed to have a far greater wealth of life experience than Marissa; experience that she was always trying to impart to her more naïve friend.

Marissa had spent the first few months at college conscientiously attending to her studies. She had no social life, preferring to spend her spare time with her head immersed in books. Molly had worked and worked at wearing her friend down until Marissa had finally relented and agreed to attend a few parties with Molly and her friends. Given Molly's passion for anything outdoors and active, most of her friends had similar interests. They were the jocks of the campus, the members of the cycling club, the swimming club and the running club where Molly trained for the triathlons that she loved and of course the other workers from the Gym where she worked. Marissa had found that they were all very friendly. The guys in particular were VERY friendly. Marissa tried and tried to fit in with them all … but she very quickly got sick of guys coming on to her at parties. Guys that seemed to think that by fetching her a drink and dancing with her, it meant that they could have free access to her body. She'd gotten fed up with ending her evening's by having to fight off guys hands that seemed to want to rove all over her. She'd assured Molly that she was certain that the male of the species was somehow closely related to the octopus.

She'd spent a few more lonely months sticking to her dorm until she'd gotten a particularly scathing comment from a lecturer about a piece of writing that she'd done. It seemed that he thought that she didn't know how to express a couple in love, added to that Molly's incessant pressure that she needed to get out there and experience life and Marissa had finally caved. But this time, no jocks. She decided that she needed a totally different type of guy. So after much consideration she decided to join the drama club. At least she would have something in common with these people. She had no interest in acting, the thought of putting her self on display abhorrent. But she volunteered to be a production assistant, knowing that she would enjoy being part of watching a production come to life.

Only a week after joining the club she'd caught the eye of the male lead Spencer Wyatt and they'd become a bit of an item. Spencer was certainly experienced and he was used to 'having sex regularly' as he'd told Marissa. And certainly he tried often enough to get into her pants. But still Marissa held out. As they spent more and more time together she finally trusted him enough to confide in him the fact that it he shouldn't take it personally. That she'd never slept with anyone. He was shocked but said that he would wait until she was ready. And so their relationship continued. Spencer trying to rid her of her virgin status at every opportunity and Marissa resisting but being made to feel more and more guilty on every occasion that she was somehow scarring him for life. His sexual frustration had turned to harsh words on a few occasions and Marissa knew that she couldn't expect a guy like Spencer to wait forever and so she had finally decided one Saturday that it would be the night. They had plans to go to a party that evening and when Spencer had called to organise collecting her she'd told him of her decision and that she'd decided that the time was right. He'd been delighted and suggested that they blow the party off all together and just spend the night in bed instead but Marissa knew that she wasn't ready for that. Plus she thought that she would need a few drinks under her belt to be able to finally go through with it.

When they'd reached the party all Marissa could think about was what was to happen at the end of the evening. Spencer was hanging off her the entire time not giving her the space to breathe and she was finding it claustrophobic. She knew that she was knocking back drinks like they were water but she just wanted to calm her stomach that seemed to have tied itself in knots. Of course it didn't help that Molly had informed her just as she was leaving for the night that she thought that Spencer was a pompous ass and that she wished that Marissa had found someone else.

Spencer kept suggesting that they leave and move on with the rest of their evening and Marissa (usually the first one to want to go home) kept telling him that she was having too good a time and that she wanted to stay. She was desperate to delay the inevitable. She kept drinking solidly and for the first time ever they were the last to leave. She still remembered feeling guilty that he was considerate right to the end. As he had guided an unsteady Marissa to his car he asked her if she wanted to come home with him or if she would be more comfortable at her place?

She had thought about it for only a moment and knew that the answer was neither. The thought of doing it in his pig sty of a room turned her stomach. The sheets probably wouldn't have been washed for a month. But then the thought of doing it in her room was equally as bad. Her room was her haven and she didn't want to sully it. She made a quick decision as he closed the door of the car to join her and she lunged for him telling him that she couldn't wait; that they should do it in the car. Spencer was more than happy to comply and as their mouths met he quickly began to rid Marissa of her clothes. Her shirt and bra went first and he moved his mouth to her nipples, sucking and tweaking them until they were fully aroused. Through her alcohol induced fog Marissa could feel herself responding and wondered if perhaps this wouldn't be as bad as she expected. Spencer stopped for a moment as he rid himself of his shirt and quickly unzipped his jeans and pushed them and his boxers, as one, down to his knees freeing his hard on proudly.

Marissa looked over at it. The light from the near by street light seemingly making it glow and she instantly started to shake her head. She couldn't do this. She knew it. Spencer reached over to start to divest her of her jeans and she pushed him away. "I can't do this." She said.

"What do you mean?" he asked, his breathing ragged.

She was embarrassed. "I just … can't." she explained.

There was a moment of silence and she could sense the anger building inside him. He grabbed her by the back of her neck and pushed her head down onto his lap. "Then suck me off you tease."

Marissa panicked. "I can't." she admitted embarrassedly. "I don't know how."

"Then it's about time you learnt. I'm not going home to look after myself again. Either give me a decent blow job or this is over?" Spencer stated threateningly.

He kept his hand planted firmly on Marissa's head stopping her from sitting back up. Marissa had nothing to go on but books. The whole thought of taking it in her mouth was enough to turn her stomach. Add to that the amount of alcohol she had consumed and it was really no surprise that as she opened her mouth to try to obey his commands, she felt the large chunks rising from her stomach only to leave her mouth in a technicolour explosion soaking him, his clothes and his car in partially digested pizza and several vodka and tonics and other unrecognizable delicacies.

"What the fuck?" Spencer yelled angrily as he took in the mess. "Get out!"

"But …" Marissa said still feeling wretched.

"I said GET OUT!" Spencer repeated.

Marissa quickly picked up her shirt and bra and hadn't even put them back on when Spencer reached across her and opened the car door and pushed her out on to the street. She picked herself up and hastily donned her clothes again as he drove off at speed.

---

As if the actual evening wasn't bad enough, Marissa had turned up to rehearsal the next week only to be greeted by everyone's sniggers and derision. People that she thought were her friends had turned their backs on her and ignored her until Marissa had finally pulled one of them aside and asked what had she done? Only to find out that Spencer had chosen to tell everyone, not only about the fateful evening but also about the fact that Marissa was a "frigid virgin". They all thought that she had behaved terribly by leading him on. Marissa tried to explain but then gave up. They were all Spencer's friends first and foremost plus … after hearing his version of the story they would all no doubt agree with him. She gathered what little self respect she had left and had finished her job for the night and then had explained to the producer that she would not be able to help out anymore, telling her that she needed to spend more time on her academic work. The producer had happily accepted the knowledge, knowing that she needed Spencer far more than she needed Marissa and Marissa had left that night saying good bye to her theatrical career forever.

---

Which all led to another period of time where her weekends were spent in her room; waiting for Molly to return with whoever was the current boy of choice. It wasn't that Molly was easy. But she'd had quite a few different guys over the last 3 years and Marissa would lie awake listening to the noises coming from Molly's room wondering if she would ever be in the position to find out just what it was like.

And that had led her to her major New Year's resolution. It seemed only fitting that by the time she turned 21 that she should at least know what it felt like. Good or bad.

She had decided that maybe the problem was the fact that the guys that she'd gotten even close to sealing the deal with were all very experienced and that she was intimidated by it. If she could just find another virgin then she was sure that she'd be able to go through with it. He'd be as awkward as her. They'd be able to help each other through it. And that's why she'd decided to get a job in the library this year. Because she figured her best chance of finding a virgin at college would be a nerd who spent all their time studying and hadn't had the opportunity to do anything else. But so far she hadn't found anyone that even tweaked her interest. And time was running out. If she didn't want to end up with a male hooker (the very opposite of the sought after virgin and the thought of which made her skin crawl) then she needed to find someone and fast. There was only a few weeks left.

But since last night the only guy that she could imagine doing it with had a pair of soulful ocean blue eyes. And Molly had just warned her off him.