Chapter 5: Friends and Loves

A/N: Giwu rocks!! Thanks for a great beta. From now on this story is rated M.

When Warrick Brown arrive at Grissom's house after trying to reach his supervisor and friend for nearly two hours he was greeted by the sound of a vacuum cleaner. That was the last sound he would ever associate with Grissom after a shift like they had, but he supposed that everyone had to keep a clean home. Warrick thought about leaving and waiting until he could reach Grissom on his cell. He turned away and began to retreat from the door when he heard the vacuum stop. He waited a beat the then knocked on the door.

Sara had just finished cleaning and straightening things around the townhouse. She was tired after work but still reeling from the idea that a funeral director was reusing coffins intended by grieving family members to be someone's final place of rest for dirty money. There were just some things that had to be sacred; the rest of the dead were certainly among them.

Sara smiled when she heard the knock on the door. Sometimes she wondered what Grissom did when he locked himself out before she moved in with him. She ran a hand through her hair to brush some stray hairs behind here ears. "Honestly, Grissom," she began before opening the door a slight hint of laughter in her voice. "Oh, Warrick," Sara gasped her face turning red. "I thought you were Grissom."

"Uh, no," Warrick replied. "I thought this was his place."

"It is," Sara answered. "I'm just staying here for a while until I find a decent place of my own. Did you need Grissom for something?"

"No, I um, our case was rough and he sort of took off," Warrick replied. "I was worried."

Sara nodded, "I am a bit, too. He's never usually this late unless he stays at the lab." Sara went to the phone and dialed Grissom's office number. When he did not answer there she tried his cell. Again he did not answer. "No answer at his office or on his cell phone," Sara sighed.

"I know, I've been trying for the past hour," Warrick sighed. "He's never gone off like that before."

"Did he say anything before he left you?" Sara asked using the limited knowledge of Grissom's habits to figure our where he might have gone.

"Just that he was going away," said Warrick. "He was even more closed off than usual."

Sara nodded, "Thanks Warrick. I think I know where he is." She grabbed her keys off the hook and started out of the house. Warrick followed her outside and down the steps. When they reached Sara's car she turned to him, "Could you do me a favor and not mention this living arrangement?"

"Sure," Warrick agreed. "Just give me a call when you find him, okay?"

Warrick headed out the door with Sara behind him, "Sure. I will," she answered.

Warrick headed home and Sara turned toward the Strip. She knew exactly where to find Grissom, at the Stratosphere. She reached the entrance to the coaster and followed the rails to the head of the line. She took out a photo of Grissom and showed it to the operator, "Have you seen this man?"

The operator looked, "Yeah, he's been going around on that thing for the past hour."

"When it pulls into the station again, give me a minute with him," Sara requested.

She waited behind the line for the ride to stop. Once it was safe the operator waved at her. She approached the train and knelt near Grissom's car. "Come on, Griss," she said softly. "Time to go home."

Grissom did not hesitate or argue; he simply exited the coaster and followed Sara to the parking lot. "I'll drive," she said. "We'll pick up your car tomorrow."

Again Grissom listened, climbing into the vehicle and fastening his seatbelt. Sara started her car then began the drive home. About halfway to the townhouse Grissom spoke, "How did you know where I was?"

"Warrick stopped by the house to check on you and I got worried when I couldn't reach you. He said you told him you were going 'away'," Sara answered. "I remembered back in LA the one time you said that you drove out to Disneyland and did the same thing. Once I remembered that, it wasn't hard."

Grissom nodded and fell silent, his mind not fully processing that Warrick knew the secret he and Sara shared. He didn't say another word until they arrive home and had gone into the house.

"You want a cup of tea?" Sara asked gently when she saw Grissom all but collapse onto the sofa.

"This all started with tea," he replied. "Tea. Something harmless led to the end of the lives of two young kids. Things like that sicken me. I can put so much aside, but when it comes to kids…" He looked at her, blue eyes shining with fierce anger. "I just can't fathom…"

Sara's eyes held his and her arms went around him. Her hand reached up to the back of his neck and gently eased his cheek to her breast. Grissom surrendered to the pain, anger, and confusion he was feeling and settled against her, wrapping his long, strong arms around her frame. She felt so protected inside that cocoon, and could only hope he felt the same with her.

Grissom felt Sara's lips brush against the top of his forehead as they sat and held each other. He smiled softly at the pressure and feel of her lips on his skin. He offered a squeeze then pulled back to meet her eyes.

Deep in the chocolate brown depths he could see the love, the desire, and the trust. It had always been there, ever since a beautiful rainy day in a San Francisco lecture hall. At first, neither of them had wanted to give into the desire or the compelling need they felt for each other. He had his career and she had her entire life waiting for her on the other side of that summer. It wouldn't have been wise for either of them to cross the invisible boundaries society had put in place years before. They had parted without ever touching each other physically, but heaven knew they had impacted each other emotionally for life.

"You could have come home, Grissom," Sara said gently. "You didn't have to go away. You could have come home."

He shook his head, "Not like that," he told her. "I always say it. Don't get too close, don't get involved, don't manipulate the evidence to fit a theory or even a desire, and I was this close." He used two fingers to illustrate, taking his thumb and forefinger and holding them less than a centimeter apart.

"But you didn't cross the line," she comforted. "I know you wanted to, anyone would have, but a lesser person would have lied, Grissom. You never do things like that, it's what makes you special."

"I don't feel special," he said, his voice dripping with contempt for himself. "One boy died as an indirect result of what that pusher did, another one's life is over, and God knows how many more will die in the process before someone gets that son of a bitch! All because…"

"Because?" she prompted wanting him to get this out as badly as he needed to get his feeling out in the open.

"Because I didn't have the guts to stop it," he hissed.

"Gil," she began shocking Grissom and herself by the use of his first name. "You told me once that a real man or a real woman does not lie and does not compromise their integrity for anything, not even for something that could be considered poetic justice. It's because of that belief and your commitment that you who you are and the man I admire."

He shook his head sadly, "Don't admire me Sara. I don't deserve it." He pulled away from her and stood up turning his steps towards his bedroom.

"Don't Grissom," Sara said hastily, taking off after him. "Don't turn you back on me this time. Don't bottle it up and let it silently eat away at you. Don't…don't be afraid to feel this loss, Griss. You don't have to be. Not with me."

Grissom felt Sara's hand go to his arm as it had when she had arrived to take him back to the townhouse from his seat at the Stratosphere. Her touch was always welcomed, it always made him feel special, feel strong, and mostly feel like someone cared for him and about him. She held his striking blue gaze with her chocolate eyes. They were shining with unshed tears as she slowly moved her hand up and down on his flesh. As he held her eyes with his own, one of the tears brewing beneath the surface slipped out and drifted down her porcelain cheek. Without hesitation, Grissom reached up to wipe it away.

That simple touch, the movement of a calloused thumb across silky smooth skin was Grissom's undoing. He'd felt the gravitational pull that had always brought him to Sara Sidle increase to an intensity so rich he couldn't, in his weakened and disheartened state, fight it.

Sara reflexively licked her lips. She had seen men stare at her that way before, but never Grissom. She'd never seen him study her with such intensity, such hunger. She knew he could never and would never love her as she loved him, no one ever could love her like that, but just for this moment, she felt like a princess, like the only woman in the entire world. She knew that if she gave him a signal that it was alright for him to cross the invisible line they had drawn, if she kissed him and let him kiss her like her heart and her body wanted her to do she would be lost, and so would he.

Grissom kept staring into Sara's eyes trying to read her thoughts and determine if the attentions he so badly wanted to give her would be welcomed. With a long, deep breath he ran his hand down her cheek and his thumb across her lips. She kissed the pad of his finger, pressed her cheek against his calloused palm, and parted her lips in silent invitation.

"I don't know what I'm doing, Sara," he whispered huskily, want and need spilling of every pore of his body. "I don't…If I kiss you now…I don't…"

"Ssh," Sara said as she hushed his lips by placing her forefinger over them. "Just feel. It's okay."

That was all the encouragement Grissom needed. His arms shot out as if they had just been released from some invisible restraint. He pulled Sara against him, practically crushing her body against his with such an intensity for a moment she believed Grissom wanted to make her a part of himself. He gentled a moment later and retracted one of his arms just enough for his finger to trace her chin before lifting it to meet the descending force of his mouth, crushing her lips beneath his before she had a chance to breathe.

With their lips and bodies entwined Grissom turned and began to steer Sara towards his bedroom. He used his legs, gently bumping her so she would step backward in the direction he wanted her to go. The entire time he did not loosen his hold or lift his mouth from hers for more than a moment. He had wanted to do this for so long and tonight he desperately needed it as well.

Sara could do nothing but follow Grissom's lead. She had never felt strong enough to be aggressive with any man in this sense, and with Grissom she did not feel she had to try to be anything more than what she truly was. She trusted him and wanted to be able to completely surrender to him. This was, after all, her dreams coming true. The sheer passion and physical sensation along with fierce emotion crashed through Sara in huge, all-consuming waves. Whimpering she welcomed Grissom's attentions as his lips moved over hers with urgent intensity, like a drowning man clinging to oxygen.

She moved slightly as they stood at the foot of his bed, wanting to soothe the inner turmoil she felt in his kiss. She knew he was letting go with her tonight because of what he had seen, she also knew this was likely to be a one-time event. She knew he was challenged by it, confused, and would wake the next morning with a completely different style of self-loathing. It was important she handled this exactly right and let him know she wanted him as well. She had to make sure he knew he was not taking advantage of her.

Sara uncurled her fingers that had been knotted behind Grissom's neck and glided up his shirt front to rest on his pounding heart. "Grissom," she murmured against his lips, her tone encouraging and dripping with passion. "Oh Griss…Oh…"

A hard shudder wracked through Grissom's body when Sara moaned his name and his grip relaxed further. He moved his hand up and down her spine, caressing her through her blouse, trying to smooth away any hurt, loneliness, or doubt as if it was a wrinkle in the cotton material. He urged her closer to him and gentled his kiss, his lips circling hers, lingering after each tiny brush, waiting for hers to part.

Sara understood his silent request. She opened her lips and let him slide his tongue slip between them to mate with hers. Grissom's mouth possessed Sara's with hunger, stroking every surface, awakening nerves and sensations she had though she may never get to feel. A small groan vibrated from Grissom's chest when Sara pressed herself closer to his body. Grissom's hands moved down to cup her buttocks and in one smooth motion he lifted her from the floor, fitting her to him, his manhood pressing into her as deeply as his clothing would allow.

The pleasure of Grissom's touch made Sara weak. Had he not been holding her, Sara knew she would have collapsed, her limbs turned to rubber from the sensation, unable to function without his strength. Grissom sensed her need and held her even tighter as he moved toward his bed and lowered her to the cool tousled sheets.

"Sara?" he whispered against her ear as he lowered his weight on top of her.

Sara smiled. It was the first time he had spoken her name since this had begun and it sounded wonderful.

"What?" Her eyes opened to meet his.

Brushing a stray strand of hair from her cheek Grissom asked gently, "Are you sure?"

Sara slowly nodded, not hesitating even for a moment, "Yes, Gil, I am."

Grissom's breathing was harsh and strained as he balanced his weight on his forearms, not wanting to put any physical pressure on her until he had made certain he was not being selfish in his longing for the human touch, her human touch. "Do you realize what's going to happen?" he asked. His instinct to protect and keep Sara safe still strong even though he was the one about to take her body.

She smiled gently and reassuringly at his tender query, "Yes, I realize. I want it to happen. I need you, Gil. And you need me. It's okay."

Grissom swallowed. Every muscle and tendon in his neck strained, taut with his need for her. "If you want to change your mind, do it now, because once I have you under me, there will be no turning back. Once we…Once we cross this line, nothing will ever be the same again, Sara. Nothing."

Sara's mind was too involved in the physical sensations to fully analyze Grissom's comment. There were so many ways that this act could change their relationship, change their lives, but in the moment she did not have the strength of will to think about that. It was sweet that he wanted her to even though she could feel his potent arousal against her belly.

She reached up her hand to stroke his jaw. "I don't want to change my mind. Make love to me, Gil. That is if you want to, if you want me."

He let out a ragged breath, "God, yes I want you Sara. I need you. I need to feel…I…" He continued to hold her eyes with his.

"You want me, Gil?" she clarified, trying to make him see she knew what she was doing, what he was doing, and that it would be okay. When he nodded she continued her encouragement, "Then show me how much. I don't care about the rest."

"You might later," he whispered leaning over to place tiny kisses on her eyelids, the lips of her nose, and each soft cheek. He wanted her to know he cared for her, that he didn't want to use her body, he wanted to be gentle, but mostly he wanted for both of them to be sure.

"If that's the case, the burden will be mine, just as the decision is now." She gazed up at him and saw what she believe to be love in his eyes, on his face, a love for her long hidden and buried by his own sense of morality, a sense he was about to throw to the wind. "Please, Gil. I know what I'm doing," she assured him.

"Do you?" he demanded increasing the pressure of his weight against her. "Because I'll be damned if I do."

Grissom kissed her again, his hands making short work of removing her top and unfastening the button on her pants. Her small hand slid up his chest and worked his shirt off from the shoulders instead of the hem. He wasn't wearing an undershirt, thus Sara was pleasantly rewarded when her work revealed a soft mass of silky hair across his chest. She rubbed her cheek against it, and Grissom let out a pleasured moan and settled his body against hers. Sara moved upward instinctually as their flesh met for the first time.

Sara couldn't form a coherent though, so intense were the physical sensations coursing through her body. She clutched at Grissom's arms – desperate to please him and not knowing how for since all knowledge and common sense seemed to have left her. She was literally powerless in his arms.

"Gil," she began, but he placed a long index finger over her lips.

"Hush, honey," he murmured, tracing her swollen lips with his fingertip. "Let me love you, Sara. Just lie back and let me love you."

Once again Grissom began his gentle assault on her body, his large hands moving to touch her breasts through the silk of her bra. Sara cried out in pleasure at the touch and wiggled to urge him on when he undid the front clasping undergarment to bear her breasts to his sight and his touch. He lowered his mouth to take the tiny bud into his mouth and sucked and nipped at it gently, making Sara moan his name in pleasure. It came out in a sob, for she was lost in his arms, until he stopped.

"Griss…? Don't stop…" she nearly begged. "Don't…"

"Hush, sweetheart. It's only the beginning. I want to be inside you, I want to feel you around me," he whispered near her ear. "Open for me, Sara. Come on, honey."

Sara complied, pulling her knees back and opening her legs so Grissom could settle between them. As she did so she realized she was no longer wearing panties. She didn't know when he had removed them, but was grateful for the true lack of barriers between their bodies.

Grissom worked his shorts down with Sara's assistance intermittently kissing and touching lightly until he too was fully exposed. "Are you ready for me, Sara?" he asked in a deep voice. "I don't want to hurt you, ever."

"You won't," she assured him. "I've never been more ready."

Grissom entered her slowly, slowing every few seconds for her to adjust to his size. She fit him perfectly, like a custom made glove, wrapping around him, tight and secure. He had never felt this way before; safe, sheltered…It was a new experience. It pleased Grissom that Sara seemed to be getting some pleasure from this endeavor as well as he. She strained her hips eagerly, stretching to accommodate him. It had been a while for both of them, and neither expected the level of intensity their coupling reached.

Grissom moved inside of Sara and she in turn matched his rhythm until he reached the edge and emptied his seed into her body. The warmth of Grissom's life force filling her was what Sara needed to be pushed over the edge to intense orgasm. She cried out as waves of pleasure washed over her body like the surf on the sand.

When it was over they lay still, neither able to speak or move. They could barely breathe. As their heart rates began to slow and the paralysis of pleasure met away, Sara closed her eyes and turned her head away when she felt him empty into her, completely filling her with his essence. He stopped, still inside of her, and turned her face to him.

"Don't look away from me, Sara," he said voice filled with emotion. "Not after this."

Sara opened her eyes to reveal to Grissom there tears that lingered there. His heart wrenched. Had he hurt her? Was he wrong to do this?

"Sara," he whispered. "What's wrong? Was I too rough?" he asked breathlessly.

"No, you were fine. Everything was wonderful," she sniffed wiping a tear from her cheek.

"Then why are you crying?" Grissom asked, still worried.

"Because of how beautiful this was with you. It was so different than anything I've ever felt before. I don't understand this feeling," she sighed.

"I don't either," Grissom replied. "I feel…I don't know how to say it and I don't know what it means, but you are right. It is beautiful."

"None of this makes sense to me," Sara murmured to him. "How can something we both know is wrong feel so right?"

"It's a matter of the heart, Sara. It isn't supposed to make sense. It's just supposed to make you feel…feel everything you need to feel and it did for me, he admitted. "On the roller coaster tonight, I felt lost, and I needed to be found. You found me, Sara, but not out there. In here."

Grissom pulled out and rolled over to her side, his body relaxed. Sara automatically curled up next to him, her head in the crook of his arm. They both knew that they needed to have a long conversation about what this night together was going to mean for their futures, but that could wait. For now, for this moment they would simply enjoy being together, feeling loved, and most of all finally feeling alive.