NOTES: New "huge fic" time for me. Everyone is in this, I'm going to be taking some wild twists and turns so everyone just stay put and hold on tight and hopefully you will all be pleased in the end :) This is my Season 4, the first chapter is more an introduction to everyone's frame of mine/where they are. Enjoy, please review!
If every ending were truly a new beginning, then Meredith Grey was struggling to find her own fresh start amongst the rubble of what used to be. She was holding onto her best friend, Cristina Yang, in a desperate attempt to keep them both on solid ground. As Cristina feel to the ground, Meredith would pull her back up, forcing her to stand, forcing her not to give in. Meredith's inner strength finally gave way and together the duo slipped to the floor, Cristina's head falling back on Meredith's shoulder as she continued to break, break until every piece of her lay a shattered memory of the woman she once was. Meredith slid her fingers over the hair above Cristina's temples and wrapped her arm around her waist, pulling her in even closer, feeling her quiver and shake with every sob.
There was nothing she could say, nothing she could do to fix the situation. Her words were like a Band-Aid, holding the pieces together but underneath that layer of protection would still exist cracks that could never be filled.
To Meredith it seemed as if he hadn't left. The chair was still worn from him sitting in it regularly, the bed was still made and paperwork still sitting neatly on the shelf. In Cristina's eyes, he was long gone and most likely never looking back. He found his solace in his Eugene Foote albums and his grandmother's photograph; she was yet to find hers.
This was Richard Webber's new beginning. Life had just handed him two tickets for "do-over" and he wasn't sure how to receive the gifts bestowed upon him. His wife was back in his life, love overcame tragedy and betrayal and he was lucky to have the opportunity to start over with her, he was blessed. Then there was his career, the very career that kept him away from his wife and allowed him to get far too involved with Ellis Grey. In the past he had always chosen the hospital over Adele, would she understand if he wanted to continue? Would she give up on him if he wanted to try everything over again?
He folded his arms over his chest as he stared out of the window of his office, he watched the people come and go as the pleased. He never had that option, he could never merely come and go. There were rules to be followed and guidelines to uphold. He remembered the days when everything in the field was fresh and new, when becoming Chief of Surgery was nothing but a dream, a distant blip on the radar of what could be…and then he thought of Ellis…and what could have BEEN. His entire career had been littered with choices, and now he was left to wonder if any of them were right. Should he have ended his marriage? Should he have ended things with Ellis? Should he have retired sooner? Should he continue?
He stood and watched the clouds on the horizon, as he was forced to make the final choice regarding his career.
Isobel Stevens sat alone in the pews of the First Baptist Church, still as the small statue of Jesus in the front hall. She felt sinful sitting in a church pew, dwelling on the memories of George O'Malley in her bedroom.
She had poured what was left of her heart out, leaving open and exposed. She laid it all on the line and he said nothing. He didn't run after her like the romantic movies, where the soft music plays and the guy gets the girl, girl gets the guy. She didn't get the guy this time, he didn't pick her. She questioned his choices over and over again, he picked his wife. He picked his wife and now they were trying to conceive a child and it sent Izzie's head spinning so fast she was relieved to be sitting against the stained oak of the church pew.
This was not the fresh start she was looking for, she wanted to start fresh with George as a lover, as her partner and now her arms were as empty as her heart. She had told him she would love him, regardless of the choices he made, and now she was forced to live out her words.
She stood, straightened her dress, her eyes to the floor. She shuffled out of the church and into the sunlight, she took a deep breath and wind teased at the hairs on the back of her neck. She wasn't sure where her life was going, but at that moment all she wanted was a hot shower. A hot shower so that she could desperately attempt to scrub away her sins and try to forget that George was no longer by her side.
Alex Karev's eyes surveyed the empty and perfectly kempt room he stood in. He kept thinking he has done the right thing, that it was better this way. He had let Ava in only to shut her out in the end. He thought he was protecting her from who he was, shading her from the drama of his life and the walls he put up because of it. He sat down on the freshly made bed and he could imagine her laughing and smiling at him. 'You don't realize what you've got until it's gone' could not fit the moment more perfectly. He couldn't give her the life she needed and her husband was willing to provide her with a house and stability. Alex didn't even live on his own and could hardly support himself.
His mind wandered to Addison, who despite her feelings turned him down and told him to go after Ava. She saw it when Alex refused to admit it, but Alex still couldn't help but feel that Addison was more than just a quickie in the on call room. She deserved better, Ava deserved better, hell even Izzie Stevens had deserved better. He let them all in just enough and then he pushed them away before they could truly see who he was. His tough exterior hid the broken mess of a little boy that cowered inside of him.
Callie Torres-O'Malley had so much to be happy about, and yet she couldn't escape the dark thoughts that clouded her mind. She saw Izzie Stevens sitting in the pews, alone, and Callie could sense her guilt and sorrow. She had marked her territory, she had won, and she thought it would be so much easier than this but now she was plagued with more questions than answers. She smiled a bit as she thought about George coming to her in the on call room and agreeing to have a baby with her, but her smile quickly became a frown as her fears overwhelmed her excitement.
Izzie and George were always a complicated situation that she had walked right into and struggled to maintain control over. The situation continued to get worse, causing tension and agony and now George had finally come to her and given her exactly what she wanted but she still felt as if the pieces of the puzzle had not completely fused together.
She had just been given the title of Chief Resident, she and her husband were trying to conceive their first child and yet her joy was constantly buried by her paranoia. She wanted things to be simple for once, her entire life felt as if someone were placing her on the backburner. Now, George had brought her forward but he was doing a horrid job at hiding the guilt in his eyes. Had he given in to her to cushion his own fall? Could a baby truly fix everything and bring them together again? This was Callie's own new beginning, but why was her mind stuck on the past?
He didn't get Chief of Surgery, and he didn't get the girl. This was a normal day in the life of Mark Sloan, where everything he aspired to obtain just blew up in his face. Everyone laughed but he didn't laugh with them and he was tired of being everyone's joke. He didn't want to simply be someone's transcontinental "booty call", he tried to show Addison Montgomery this, time and time again, but he obviously never tried hard enough. To her, he'd always be that 'manwhore', the one who always thought with his groin. He was successfully proving he was capable of more than just sex until he saw her emerge from the on call room with Alex Karev. He didn't fail her, she failed him and yet he took the blame, he lied so that she wouldn't have to feel guilty herself.
He loved her, he always loved her and he'd never stop loving her, but he couldn't force her to feel the same towards him. Instead, he put up his white flag of surrender and tried hard to pretend she was just a friend. He tried to pretend he didn't give up his best friend for her and didn't take a job cross country just to be near her.
He sat alone in the surgeon's lounge, and imagined her by his side. He always thought she was worth fighting for, but now he realized letting her go was the greatest proof of his love, even if she didn't see it.
She stopped wondering if he was going to come back a tried to convince herself she didn't care if he did or not. It was a lie, of course. She did care, she cared too much because she actually let him in and he stormed out of her life like he wasn't an important part of it in the first place. As if he could just leave and think everything would be fine without him.
Cristina Yang hated crying, she hated emotion, and she hated feeling as if her world was falling apart.
The tears continued to fall, and the sobbing didn't subside.
She really hated crying, but she hated herself more for letting him in, for falling in love.
Was it really over? Derek Shepherd wondered as he fingered the keys to his Land Rover and took a deep breath.
Meredith Grey was everything to him and he blew her off for a chance at being Chief of Surgery. His own insecurities lead them here and when he finally realized it, she pushed him out again. She closed herself off and he couldn't reach her, he didn't know where she was on a mental level and he wasn't sure how he could go about finding her either.
There was no mistaking what he felt for her, but if she could not open herself to him then where would they go? He felt like he was on the road to nowhere, running low on gas.
He had tried hard to fix her, the mend the wounds that so many before him had left. He tried to peel back the scars and find the perfection buried beneath. He thought he had succeeded, thought he had found the girl deep inside, but she shut herself down again…and locked that girl away again.
He didn't mean to hurt her; he didn't mean to have it turn out like this. He didn't tell her about the flirting at the bar to push her away; he only hoped she would open her eyes to him again.
She had checked the corkboard so many times she had lost count. She hoped that each time she looked the name would no longer say Calliope Torres, but Miranda Bailey. It never changed, nor did the main question she continued to ask herself, why?
She had made too many mistakes, she knew this. She showed too much compassion towards her interns and took the blame far too many times. She treated them like family without letting them see it, and in making them her surrogate children was her greatest mistake, or was it? She was so confused, she was struggling to think up a mental list of what she had done wrong but everything could be argued. Richard himself had basically told her the title was hers, so she asked herself yet again, why?
She thought she was a shoe in, that she had it in the bag and didn't have to lose any sleep over it. How did Callie Torres come up from nowhere and steal this from her? Had she really been so self absorbed and arrogant regarding Chief Resident that she didn't bother to notice the competition?
George O'Malley sat himself down on the bench in between the lockers and took a deep breath. He tried to grab one of the many thoughts running rampant through his mind. His wife, trying to have a baby, the drunken night with Izzie, the kiss in the elevator…Izzie saying that she was in love with him? Now, on top of his own drama he was yet again dragged into Meredith's. He had just met a young woman he was absolutely sure was her other sister and he questioned why it was always him that got thrown into the mix.
His mind shifted back to Callie and how happy she was, she got Chief Resident and he told her they could have a baby. His guilt weighed heavy on his mind and his fingertips touched his temples. How could he bring a child into the world riding on the guilt of what he had done with Izzie Stevens? He just wanted to protect Callie from his mistakes and he was terrified of it all coming back to him, especially now that a child could potentially be brought into everything.
He kept thinking he was doing the right thing, that leaving Callie in the dark could protect her, but now he was waist deep in something he didn't know how to get himself out of. His mind shifted yet again, this time to his father. He wondered what Harold O'Malley would think, and it hit him hard in the chest. Disappointment, his father would be utterly disappointed in him.
She wished her mother had lived to see this day. Lexie Grey had just begun her internship at Seattle Grace hospital, and not even a day before she had watched her mother be lowered into the earth. It was Susan Grey's final goodbye. She had never imagined it like this; since she was very young she always pictured her mother by her side, cheering her on. She woke up to the hum of the vent under her bed instead of her mother's smile and warm laughter.
As if losing her mother wasn't enough, she had discovered she would be working with the sister she knew nothing about. The entire situation fogged her brain and she closed her eyes for a moment to regain her composure and gather her thoughts. As a child she was told she had an older sister who lived with her mother, her mother who refused to allow Thatcher Grey around their child. She only knew that Meredith Grey had relocated with her mother to Boston, but by the time Lexie made her way to Harvard, Meredith was nowhere to be found in Massachusetts.
She didn't expect to return home and discover that Meredith was about to become a resident where she was set to start her internship. She didn't expect to hear her father's tone turn cruel as he mentioned the daughter he struggled to forget. Lexie had never heard him speak of her and now, he wouldn't stop. He blamed her for the death of Susan and Lexie had no idea what to believe anymore.
Even with his grandmother's photograph carefully placed next to the bed, he couldn't make the hotel room feel like home. Preston Burke had been so sure he had done the right thing, but now he was not sure of anything at all. He grabbed his trumpet and slowly brought it to his lips, his fingers pressed against the brass and he began to play, stopping when every note emitted from the instrument sounded warped. Nothing sounded right, everything seemed distant and foreign.
He left her, left her standing in the church looking radiant, looking like a new woman and it broke him to say goodbye. He had to do it, he had to let her go because he felt as if her were restraining her from unleashing her true potential. He sacrificed everything by letting her go, but love was about sacrifices. Preston Burke loved Cristina Yang, and good-bye could never change that.
It was the straw that broke the camels back for Addison Montgomery. She didn't get Chief of Surgery and therefore had nothing in Seattle to hold her down anymore. No Mark Sloan, no Derek Shepherd and not even an Alex Karev could keep her in rainy, clouded atmosphere that seemed to do nothing but drag her down.
She was free. She was free the moment she dialed Naomi Bennett and accepted a job offer. She was free as soon as she started placing her belongings in cardboard boxes and scribbled her name on them with permanent marker. She was free when she hugged her best friend, Callie Torres-O'Malley and whispered a good-bye before kissing her on the forehead and telling her that she WOULD be her friend if she got pregnant. (Especially if she named the baby after her.) She was free when she walked out of the doors of Seattle Grace for the last time, breaking her contract and grinning. This was her first start, her new life. She had closed many doors and now as she looked forward there was only one…and she was ready to step forward.