Chapter 19

Marissa quickly made her way back into Ryan's room, blushing all the way. She didn't know what to make of it all. She was sure that Kirsten's intention hadn't been to make her feel inadequate but all she'd done was make Marissa realise just how different she was from what they considered 'normal'.

Kirsten and Sandy were wonderful, but it was obvious that they found it natural to accept Ryan and whoever he was with, as his bed partner. No doubt over the years, he'd had a few. And sure that's what she'd wanted to be at first but she had come to realise today that she wanted more than that.

She wanted to be part of this unconventional 'family'.

It was nothing like what she'd grown up with. These people all cared deeply for one another and that was more important than anything. You could see it in their eyes, their actions, their teasing of one another.

She didn't want to just sleep with Ryan anymore ... although she certainly wanted to do that. But now, she wanted more.

She wanted to be his partner. She wanted to be his ONLY partner. She hated to think of him with anyone else. And not just in bed.

The realisation was like walking into a brick wall.

She stood at the end of the bed wondering how she was meant to proceed now that she had this new realisation on board.

She was still standing there stunned when Ryan walked in from the bathroom. He was wiping his mouth on a towel, having obviously just cleaned his teeth and said "All set? I got out a new toothbrush and left it on the counter for you and there's a clean pair of boxers and a t-shirt there as well." He looked at her wondering why she hadn't moved. "Earth to Marissa? Is everything okay?" he asked.

Startled by his comments, Marissa opened her hand to look at the small box of tampons in her hand.

"Are they okay? Is there something wrong with them?" He asked concerned.

"Um … No … they're fine." She said. "I might just go and have a shower." She said indicating the bathroom.

"O … kay." Ryan said realising that she wasn't quite telling him everything. There was definitely something here that he was missing. "Do you need your bag from the car? If you want I can go and get it?" he said listening to the wind and rain outside and hoping that she would say no.

"Um... no." Marissa replied. "Maybe in the morning. I have fresh clothes in there, but I don't need them for now."

"U huh." Ryan said standing beside the bed as Marissa moved towards the adjoining bathroom. "Um … do you have a preference for side?" he asked.

Marissa paused for a moment looking at him as if he'd just asked her for the recipe for world peace. "I have no idea. I've never actually slept with someone before." She said, realising just how different they really were. "So I guess that anything is fine. You choose." She said as she moved away into the adjoining bathroom and out of earshot.

Ryan smiled. His heart swollen with love. "I already have." He said softly, following her with his eyes.

---

Marissa woke early the next morning but she couldn't move.

Nor did she want to.

Ryan was spooned around her body, his muscled arms around her and he was holding her hand. He was so close; she could feel his warm breath on her shoulder.

She had no idea how long they had been in that position but if she had her way she would never move. The feeling of having him so near was something that she wanted to maintain for as long as possible.

They'd fallen asleep last night cuddled together and listening to the rain and wind outside. It was wonderful. Ryan was the perfect gentleman and had not even attempted to take things any further. They'd shared a goodnight kiss and he'd held her close but that was all.

She had wondered if he may have wanted her to take care of him even though things were off limits for her right now. She even offered to do so but he'd politely declined telling her that he would rather wait until they could enjoy it together. And so it was only in Marissa's own mind, that things had heated up and she had to admit to several R rated dreams that had filled her sleeping hours. She now had to get her mind off them. They could lead to nothing but frustration at the present time.

Wondering how she was going to do that with him so near, she was surprised to hear a rustle at the door and looked up to see Sophie standing there.

"Good Morning." Marissa greeted the small girl.

"Good Morning." Came the somewhat reluctant reply.

Marissa then felt Ryan stir beside her obviously disturbed by the sounds. She was surprised by the feeling off loss that came over her as he unwrapped himself from her but then he lent in and kissed her sweetly. "Good morning." He said addressing himself completely to Marissa. And, not even realising that they had an audience, he moved to deepen the kiss.

Marissa wanted to lose herself in it but she knew that now was not really the right time. She pulled back and whispered. "We have a visitor."

Ryan turned and for the first time spotted Sophie standing sullenly by the door. "Hello Munchkin? What are you doing there? You usually crawl into bed with me for a cuddle to wake me up?"

"There wasn't any room." Sophie stated tersely.

Ryan frowned. He had hoped that after the hair incident last night that Sophie would have gotten over her petty jealousy of Marissa.

"There's plenty of room. It's a big bed." He said arms outstretched for her to join them.

Sophie took a couple of steps towards the bed, still unsure.

Ryan had made a spot for her beside him on the opposite side to Marissa but … much as she didn't want to cuddle Marissa; she knew that if she was between them, then Ryan wouldn't even be able to reach Marissa. So she climbed into the end of the bed and wiggled her way in between them and then instantly turned her back on Marissa to focus her full attention on Ryan.

Ryan felt bad. He knew that Sophie's actions were obvious and he didn't want Marissa to be offended by them. He wondered if maybe he should have spent more time yesterday trying to sort this all out. But he hoped that Marissa realised that Sophie was just a little girl that didn't know any better.

Marissa lay there knowing that she had been deliberately excluded and tried hard not to take offence. She couldn't really blame the child for wanting Ryan all to herself. She didn't think that, if given the chance, she'd be any different. She could smell the aroma of freshly brewed coffee coming through the still opened door and so she decided that it was probably better to give Sophie and Ryan some time together. Sitting up she said. "I think that I might go and get a coffee. Would you like one too?"

Ryan looked at her and smiled. "I'd love one. Are you sure that you don't want me to go?"

Marissa shook her head. "It's fine. I need to use the bathroom anyhow." She said making her way from the room.

---

Marissa walked into the kitchen hoping to find it empty but no such luck. Kirsten was sitting at the counter reading the paper, mug of coffee in hand.

She glanced up and Marissa hesitated, wanting nothing more than to turn and run. But then she'd done that last night. To disappear now would only make things worse.

Kirsten looked shamefacedly at her. "Marissa. I'm so sorry about what I said last night. You must think that I'm awful. I barely slept because I kept thinking about it. I didn't realise that you weren't … You seem so right together … I just assumed …" she knew that she was getting no where and so she tried to start again. "I never for a moment imagined … I thought that …" she began again … wondering how she could possibly make amends and then finally chose to just say. "I mean … I know what Ryan's like … but if you're not ready then don't let him pressure you into anything. Just because he's …" she sought the right word. It seemed that her vocabulary had deserted her completely. She sighed and finally said "Experienced!" "Your first time should be special …" she added.

"It's not like that." Marissa cut in. She didn't want Kirsten to think that Ryan was pressuring her. "I'm ready." She stated clearly. "Ryan's the one that wants to wait." she said truthfully.

Kirsten was dumbfounded. Never, in all the time she'd spent lying awake last night running through scenarios, had she expected this. "Ryan wants to wait?" she asked rhetorically. Kirsten was stunned. It was obvious to her, that Ryan was head over heels for this girl. And he certainly wasn't the kind of guy to hold back with the physical stuff so why ????

Marissa nodded.

"But why?" Kirsten couldn't help but ask. "He's obviously crazy about you. I don't understand." Suddenly, all sorts of things started running through Kirsten's brain and none of them were good. Did he have some sort of STD that he didn't want to spread? It seemed to be the only thing that made any sense. She knew that the scare with Theresa hadn't turned him celibate. Anyone who lived with him during the 'Taylor phase" knew that he enjoyed 'plying his wares'. And he was obviously very good at it from Taylor's reports. Kirsten cringed as she thought about the detail that Taylor seemed to think that Kirsten would want to share in. She hadn't known at the time whether to be disgusted or proud.

And she was sure that there would have been plenty of other girls since. He wouldn't have spent the last three years twiddling his thumbs. Although even she couldn't imagine that he'd been with as many girls as Seth liked to report.

But then why was he holding back with Marissa unless it was something like that? If that was the case then he needed to be honest with Marissa and tell her what they were up against. Maybe that was why she thought he'd lost a little weight. Was he getting the right treatment for it? Kirsten started to panic. It looked like Ryan's promiscuous ways had finally caught up with him.

"I thought that you may have been able to help me with that?" Marissa answered.

There was no way that Kirsten was going to have this conversation with Marissa. She'd already over stepped the familiarity line with her. Ryan needed to deal with this himself. Kirsten shook her head in denial. "He is obviously attracted to you, he can barely take his eyes off you, and he brought you home to meet us. He's never done that before. If he's holding out on you then there has to be a reason why. All I can suggest is that you ask him. One thing I do know about him is that he can't lie. He may choose to not come out and tell you things straight up, but that's as close as he can get. If you ask the right question then you'll get your answer."

Marissa nodded, taking in everything that Kirsten said, knowing that she knew Ryan probably better than anyone … except maybe Seth.

Kirsten added. "But whatever it is … there will be a reason. One thing I have come to know about my son over the years is that he thinks everything through. He rarely makes rash decisions. He's made a few in his life but he's learnt from all of them. Don't assume that because he and Luke are friends that they are anything alike. Ryan rarely does anything without due consideration. My mother used to say 'Still waters run deep' and that phrase was never more true than when applied to Ryan. But … having said that … it's worth finding out. Look beneath the surface … there's pure gold underneath." Kirsten implored. If her suspicions were correct, then Ryan would need Marissa to stand by him until everything was clear. She just hoped that she was wrong and that there was some other reason for his actions. But she couldn't think of one.

Marissa took in everything that Kirsten had said. She realised that she'd never actually asked Ryan why it was so important to wait. She hadn't felt confident enough before to push the point …. But maybe now …. She knew that he'd now accepted that they would do it soon but still … something had made him hesitate at the start. It looked like they needed to have a little chat. Marissa nodded wanting to reassure Kirsten that she would take her advice. "Thanks. I think I might do that." She replied. "But I was just going to get some coffee if that's okay?" She asked.

"Certainly" Kirsten replied, smiling at the young lady that she suspected had captured her son's heart. "The mugs are in the cupboard on the right and Ryan's favourite is the blue one."

---

Mugs filled, Marissa moved back towards Ryan's room but just as she neared the door she hesitated, wondering what sort of reception she was going to get from Sophie this time. She thought that it wouldn't hurt to be forewarned if she was walking into the eye of a storm. She imagined that she had been the main topic of conversation during her absence but she was still surprised by what she overheard.

Ryan was talking to Sophie. "When Seth's home do you take some of the love you have for me, to give to him, so I get less?"

"No." The little girl insisted. "I always love you lots." she replied, wanting Ryan to know how important he was to her. "Seth's got his own love."

"That's what I thought. And I'll always love you lots too. But don't you see, the more people we have to love, the more we can love. Our hearts just swell up until they hold even more. It's what makes us feel so good when we all get together." He said and then continued. "And that's the same with Marissa."

There was silence from Sophie as she considered this new information. She certainly had to agree that having all the people she loved together always made her feel extra good. They were special times. "Do you love her?" she asked.

Ryan hesitated. "I know that she makes me happy whenever I'm with her. And whenever we're not together I can't stop thinking about her. So I think that I might." He explained. "Is that going to be a problem for you?" he asked.

Sophie thought for a moment and then answered "Not if you still love me."

"I'll always love you. Nothing could stop me." Ryan replied.

Marissa didn't know what to do. But she knew that she had to move in a hurry before she spilt coffee everywhere. She was starting to tremble as Ryan's words sunk in.

He MIGHT.

HE MIGHT ... was all that she could think of.

She coughed slightly to let them know that she was there and moved into the room, stopping any further discussion.

Ryan's face lit up as he saw her. She placed the coffees down on the table beside him and sat on the edge of the bed before her legs gave out under her.

He MIGHT.

She tried to wrap her head around the idea but it was almost too much to take in.

He MIGHT.

She could feel her heart racing as her brain tried to comprehend all that this could mean.

He MIGHT.

She needed some space to try to calm down. Sitting beside him wasn't helping at all. "I think that I'll go and have a shower." She informed him.

"What about your coffee?" Ryan asked.

"It's too hot anyhow. I'll drink it when I get out." She explained.

"Okay. I'll just finish mine and then I'll go and get your bag out of the car." Ryan suggested.

"Okay. Thanks." Marissa said and quickly left the room before it became obvious that she could barely breathe.

---

Marissa had calmed down a little. She was wrapped in a fluffy towel and was drying her hair in the bathroom when Ryan knocked on the door. She opened it to find him holding her overnight bag.

"I thought that you may need this?" he asked offering it to her.

"Thanks." She replied taking it from him. Their fingers touched and she could feel the sparks fly between them. She glanced at him and she could see her need reflected in his eyes. Ryan quickly stepped into the room and closed the door, pulling her into his arms as he brought his lips to hers, their tongues entwining in a feverish dance.

After what seemed like nothing more than a few moments he pulled back. "I've been wanting to do that since I woke up." He explained touching his forehead to hers. "And if my little sister wasn't lying in my bed outside this door then I promise you that I'd be doing a whole lot more." He suggested running his hands up and down her bare arms.

Marissa was trying desperately to take deep breaths to get her breathing under control. The truth was that she wanted nothing more than to see what he'd had in mind.

"You'd better get dressed or I won't be responsible for my actions." He smiled.

Marissa smiled. "Okay. Just give me a minute and I'll be done."

Ryan smiled. "You're not even close to being done … and I assure you that when you are … I'll be the one 'doing' you."

---

Marissa emerged from the bathroom only a few minutes later to find Sophie and Ryan cuddling in the bed.

Ryan looked up as she entered the room. "I guess that it's my turn." He said.

"I guess so." She remarked.

"I won't be long. Kirsten is out there cooking us a gigantic breakfast and after we've eaten that we'll head off." He suggested. "We'll have you back in plenty of time for work."

Marissa nodded. "Sure. Sounds good." She replied.

As Ryan headed off into the bathroom, Marissa packed her bag, putting the dirty clothes from yesterday away and she'd almost forgotten about the little girl still entwined in the covers until her voice interrupted Marissa's thoughts.

"You know Ryan?" Sophie asked softly.

Marissa smiled. "Yes. I know Ryan."

"Well …" Sophie started and then hesitated and Marissa couldn't help but wonder what was going to come next. It was obvious that the small girl was giving this a lot of thought.

"Well?" Marissa asked prompting her.

"Well … we'll share." She offered up as if it was a magnanimous gesture of compromise.

Marissa smiled. She knew that it was as good an offer as she was ever likely to get. No one in their right mind would ever give up Ryan. "I'd like that." She said softly, smiling indulgently at the small girl.