NOTES: Thank you for all the awesome reviews, you guys make me want ton continue writing this as I get a little paranoid at how my characterizations and dialogue turn out and gah, you guys restore my faith in myself as a writer.

This is a HUGE chapter. Some big things begin here but they don't cement situations in stone. Hang in here with me and I promsie desite it being a long, windy, tough, dark and twisty ride, the final destination will be worth it.

So please do not gather outside of my house as an angry mob with pitchforks and torches...I will simply throw cupcakes at you and then call the cops. Or...something?

GAH, DON'T HURT ME. This works out well in my head and personally I'm pleased with it...so hope you are too! Please review and let me know what you think.

Dedicated to my amazing BETA/Partner in crime, Danielle. And Hannah who likes long chapters, haha, this is a long chapter for me!

Izzie Stevens couldn't point out the exact moment where everything in her life shifted. To say things had changed was an understatement, and she wasn't even sure who she herself was anymore. She slipped deeper into the mound of bubbles & deep steaming water and closed her eyes. The chambers of her heart felt as if they were separating and she was desperately clinging to each piece, trying to force them back together. When was it that she fell so hard for George O'Malley? At one point he was a brother figure, the next he was all she could think of, all she could dream of and her body longed for his touch. She thought back on the way he made her feel that night in her bedroom, the smell of bourbon still thick on his breath, and she knew that was when the switch had been flipped. She was beginning to confuse herself; did she truly love him? She knew she felt something…something that she couldn't easily explain.

There she was alone in the dimly lit bathroom, alone. Was this how everything was supposed to be? Was she supposed to spend the rest of her life pining for things she couldn't have? She had a sinking feeling deep in the pit of her stomach; Denny would be so disappointed in her. She knew he would want her to move on, but not like this. Did she force herself to fall for George?

She just wanted answers. Crystal clear, obvious answers but she was struggling to find them in the fog of her mind. She brought her long thin fingers to her temples and began to rub them. She wished she could just rub away the pain, the heartbreak, the frustration…the memories.

She took a deep breath and exhaled slowly as she stood and grabbed her towel. Her bare, wet feet padded against the tile and she didn't bother to brush her hair as she threw it up in a messy bun and pulled on some oversized pajama bottoms and a form fitting tank top.

Baking always gave her a sense of clarity. For some reason two cups of flour, ten eggs and twenty ounces of semi sweet chocolate chips could give her more answers than a soak in the tub or even someone to chat about it with. She made her way into the kitchen, grabbing a large plastic bowl and setting it on the counter before her. She wasn't even sure what she was baking, it would just come to her and no matter what she made she knew Alex Karev would eat it. She didn't even bake to satisfy a hunger or a sweet tooth; she baked because it was her Prozac and it kept her off of the bathroom floor.

She heard the front door and familiar voices. Meredith and Alex slipped into the kitchen and their expressions changed as soon as they saw her with measuring cups in her hand.

"You're baking," Meredith stated.

"I am," Izzie nodded.

"Anything you need to talk about, Iz?" Alex asked.

"Nope," Izzie stated as she turned to dig through the spice cabinet. "Just baking some...cookies? Cake…Muffins?" She grabbed the chocolate chips and nodded, "Cookies!"

"Izzie," Meredith sighed.

"Mer, I CAN just bake to bake you know," Izzie said, waving her whisk in Meredith's direction.

"Dude, you haven't baked anything just for the sole purpose of baking since Christmas," Alex stated.

"GUYS," Izzie groaned. "I am FINE. I promise, alright? I've just got a bit of a sweet tooth and wanted to make something. I'm also running off of no sleep because I had to do that forty eight hour intern intro shift with Bailey…and coming home at six am today just made me all…out of whack…or something. See, you guys are causing me to try and find ways to justify my baking! It doesn't need to be justified baking, it's plain old want something tasty baking."

"You're sure?" Meredith asked.

"Seriously Meredith! There is nothing wrong with me!"

"Sure, fine, whatever. There's nothing wrong with her." Alex said, "Now make me some cookies."

"Shove it, ass," Izzie said, rolling her eyes. "They'll be done…soonish."

Alex dug through the fridge for a beer and then made his way out of the kitchen.

Meredith pressed her palms against the countertop and stared at Izzie.

"Don't look at me like that," Izzie sighed.

"Derek has a date," Meredith sighed.

"Oh," Izzie sighed. "How do you know?"

"Because Olivia and Debbie made it a point to let me know. I didn't want details; I heard 'date' and took off. That was enough for me," Meredith said, struggling to hold back her emotions.

"They probably misheard or something. I wouldn't look into it too much, Mer."

"I'm not looking into it!" Meredith firmly stated, "It's just…what he said about that girl at the bar being the highlight of his week and….whatever! It's nothing. It's stupid. We're….not even together, we're just coexisting and performing surgeries and…he's dating."

"Mer…I'm sure someone got off on the wrong stop for the gossip train, seriously. After he said he loved you I doubt very highly he'd go out with someone."

"He's probably out with that bar whore…you know she's trying to go for double feature highlight whatever."

Izzie sighed as she dropped spoonfuls of dough onto a cookie sheet and then popped them in the oven. "I still don't believe it, one minute he's all confessing his undying…mclove for you and then he's got a date? It just doesn't seem right. Remember that time you saw him in the trailer with another woman? It ended up being his sister, so don't jump to any conclusions."

"Yes, mommy," Meredith sighed.

Meredith and Izzie finished off the remaining cookie dough chatting about distracting topics and Alex came back into the kitchen as soon as he heard the timer go off on the oven.

"I'm going to bed," Izzie said as she set the cookies on the counter. "Let them cool and then help yourselves."

"What happened to that sweet tooth?" Alex asked.

"I'm over it, no interrogation!" Izzie groaned, as she rinsed out her mixing bowl and set it in the dishwasher, followed by the rest of her supplies.

"Don't leave your beer bottles laying around," Izzie scolded, "and clean up your messes. You guys work at six?"

Alex and Meredith nodded.

"Alright, see you in the morning then," Izzie said as she turned and left the kitchen.

"Something is up with her," Alex stated.

"Seriously," Meredith agreed.

They stood together for a moment and then Meredith grabbed the beer from Alex's hand and set it by the sink, "Beer and cookies don't mix," she stated.

Alex laughed a bit and watched her shift a spatula under the cookies to slide them from the tray and then slide them onto a large plate.

"You get the milk," Meredith said and Alex nodded, grabbing two glasses and pouring them some milk. He followed her into the living room where they plopped down on the couch, the cookies sitting on Meredith's lap. She took her glass of milk from Alex and he reached for the remote.

"House?" Alex shrugged.

"Ugh, no doctors," Meredith groaned, scrunching her nose.

"Ah right," Alex nodded. He finally set the channel on TV Land and they sat together watching old television shows over the fresh baked cookies and ice cold milk.

"Life sucks," Meredith said, throwing her head back and sulking.

"Understatement of the century," Alex said before reaching for another cookie Meredith grabbed his hand, which forced him to look at her.

"Do I really push that hard?" Meredith asked.

"If everyone who cares about you were standing on a cliff, ninety five percent of them would have plummeted to their deaths by now," Alex said.

Meredith's eyes shifted and she thought for a moment, letting go of Alex's hand, "But…you're still here?"

"I push back, just as hard. Equal balance," he said through his cookies.

"We're quite the dark and twisty duo," Meredith sighed.

"I found her," Alex sighed, setting down his glass.

Meredith didn't need to ask who he was referring to; it was more than obvious.

"I found her number, she lives down south in Kelso," Alex said. "I didn't call her. I couldn't call her."

Meredith broke the last cookie in half and shoved a piece in her mouth as she handed Alex the other. He accepted the cookie and their faces turned back to the television screen. Meredith had never been too good at the comforting thing, but little did she know that her presence alone was working well enough.

"I can't listen to the sound of her voice," Alex said and Meredith turned to look at him. Alex's eyes didn't shift from the TV. "I keep telling myself I did the right thing. That it's better this way. I can't support her or give her what she needs in life. My schedule now isn't enough to devote to anyone else…I know if I talk to her it will just convince me that I made a big fucking mistake. I can't regret this because she'll have a better life than she ever could with me, even if she doesn't think so herself."

Meredith finished off the rest of her milk and then began to fiddle with the hem of her shirt. "Maybe things are better for him now. He doesn't have to be my life support anymore…he doesn't have to breathe for both of us any longer…Here I am, Derek! I'm breathing all by myself now," she sulked.

"He's an idiot."

"He said I was the love of his life, and he's dating."

"Eh, sometimes you don't truly realize everything you need is right there in front of you until it's gone," Alex stated.

Meredith and Alex stared back at the television screen and they sat for a few moments, reflecting on what had been said. Alex finally turned and Meredith's eyes met his. Looking into his eyes was like staring into a mirror: she saw the same broken soul hiding behind thick, thorny walls. For a moment, she saw his walls fall and she felt as if she had conquered something. She leaned forward and kissed his lips softly. Alex didn't pull away, he couldn't, and it was as if he was paralyzed by the feeling of her soft lips against his. Finally he cleared his mind just enough to grab the first thought, to kiss her back. He did so, pressing his lips back a bit hard until Meredith's tongue slid over his lips and he opened his mouth to slide his own tongue against hers. He grabbed her small hips and pulled her up onto his lap as she wrapped her arms around his neck. Alex shifted her frame so that he could grip her and stand and Meredith didn't protest; she simply continued to kiss him and wrapped her legs around his waist in approval as he pulled away from her lips for a moment to make his way up the stairs with her.

The humid Alabama air filled Preston Burke's lungs as he ran under the moonlight. He had been running alongside a creek that emptied into a lake near his parents' property for what seemed like hours. Running always cleared his head, his body pumping with adrenaline and his lungs feeling as if they were going to burst. He finally stopped when he found himself at the lake again and he pushed his palms into his knees, bending over to catch his breath.

The moon was full and bright, causing the trees to cast shadows on the rippled water of the lake. He looked up at the sky and the stars seemed to stand out against the net of darkness surrounding them. He never stopped to look at the stars in Seattle, but since he had returned home to Alabama, he found himself engrossed in them.

He found himself wondering if Cristina ever stopped and stared at them too. She was never the type to stargaze, and yet neither was he…but there he stood, watching their reflection in the tiny waves of the lake.

He couldn't get her out of his head, and yet he wasn't sure he wanted to either. There were no words to describe just how regal and beautiful she looked in her wedding gown, the vision of her standing before him like a queen wasn't one he wanted to soon forget. She looked like a doll, the picture of porcelain perfect with her painted face and pale skin. She wasn't a doll though, he couldn't just pull the clothes from the wardrobe and dress her and mold her as he wished. He couldn't pose her and stand her next to him; he couldn't force her to go where she didn't want to. She could speak up and voice her demands but instead she closed herself off to appease him. She made herself his doll, and he regretted allowing her to do so.

He reached into the pocket of his sweats and pulled out his cell phone. He flipped it open and highlighted Yang, Cristina.

"This is Doctor Cristina Yang and I am unavailable to answer your call. I am probably in a surgery, saving a human life. If this call is even remotely close enough in importance, leave a message."

He grinned over her message and the sound of her voice. He heard the voice mail tone and he took a deep breath. There were so many things he wanted to say, but now was not the time. He closed his phone and exhaled, sliding it back into his pocket.

He took another look at the stars as he stretched, and then before he could even think about it, his legs began a quick pace and he was running again.

Derek Shepherd slightly regretted choosing the Emerald City Bar as his date spot. The smoky atmosphere, the clink of beer glasses, the buzz of voices and the smell of booze thick on the air as he inhaled. Meredith, it always made him think of Meredith. He remembered the drunken hook up that lead them through a winding road of anguish, heartbreak and ultimately, love. He felt as if he were taking a cue from Preston Burke, letting her go….the ultimate sacrifice of love. He wasn't fighting against her sudden revelation that it was over. He did worry, he worried that she wouldn't be able to catch her breath and she'd give up again, that she'd stop breathing and he wouldn't be there to save her. He tried to justify his actions in his mind; it had to be like this. It HAD to and there was no arguing it. They needed to be away from each other, and Derek didn't want to admit to himself that Lexie was just a temporary fix to fill the void.

He heard the bells at the door and turned to see Lexie coming towards him, "Hey," she smiled.

Derek pushed Meredith from his mind and gave a grin, "Hey there," he said.

Lexie sat down next to him and Derek motioned Joe over, "What do you drink?" Derek asked Lexie.

"I'll take a mojito," Lexie smiled and Joe nodded.

"So, you successfully braved your first forty eight hours as an intern," Derek said.

"That I did," Lexie laughed. "And no one died on my watch-- score!"

"I'll drink to that," Derek smiled as Joe set down Lexie's drink before her. Lexie nodded and took a sip and Derek took a gulp of his scotch.

"So tell me about yourself, Doctor Shepherd," Lexie grinned.

"Well, I am an insanely attractive neurosurgeon, slightly full of myself, I like good scotch and fly fishing."

"Oh, that's all I get? Got some crazy skeletons in your closet? Tell me more about your career or something."

"Eh, I don't want to talk about my career," Derek groaned. "Tell me something about yourself."

"Well, my full name is Alexis Grey but Lexie has been my nickname since I was a baby, so it's stuck…"

"Grey?" Derek asked. Was he seriously going to be tortured by reminders of Meredith all night?

"No, I have no relation to THE Ellis Grey," Lexie sighed.

"That's a relief," Derek muttered.

"What was that?" Lexie asked.

"Oh, nothing…so, all I get is your full name? How about your skeletons, what is your family like?"

"Family is the last thing I want to talk about right now," Lexie groaned. "What about yours?"

"I always save that for a few dates in," Derek nodded.

"Feeling confident, are we?" Lexie laughed.

"Full of myself, remember?"

"Alright, here's the big question…what is your favorite flavor of ice cream?" Lexie asked.

Derek paused and felt as if his life was going in slow motion. Her voice reminded him of Meredith and the sparkle in her eyes brought back memories of them outside of his trailer one starry night when he spilled the minor details of his life. Could he relate everything to Meredith Grey? He was beginning to think so and he quickly ordered another drink. Perhaps he could drown his thoughts with alcohol. He was a neurosurgeon; he had the power to make people forget, the ability to free a patient's mind from a physical burden, but he was unable to free his own mind of Meredith, as if she were infused in his blood.

"Tough question?" Lexie giggled.

Derek snapped out of it and smiled, "Oh uh, yes….I'd have to say coffee," Derek nodded.

"I'm a strawberry girl myself," Lexie said as she finished off her drink.

"Make that a double," Derek quickly said to Joe.

A few drinks later and images of Meredith still plagued Derek's mind. Even the liquor he consumed failed to blur the edges of the pictures of Meredith in his head, Lexie's warm smile and gleaming eyes continued to morph into Meredith's and Derek desperately shook the image from his head.

He leaned into Lexie and whispered, "Let's get out of here."

Lexie finished off her drink and nodded, "Alright."

"I've got it," Derek said, reaching into his wallet and handing Joe a few bills.

The cool night air nipped at their skin and Lexie stared up at the sky, "Smells like rain," she said softly.

"Where to?" Derek asked.

"Uh…If it's not too forward my place isn't too far from here," Lexie stated. "I could fix us a late dinner?"

"I like forward," Derek grinned and Lexie smiled back. They decided on taking Lexie's car and made their way to her apartment.

Lexie unlocked the door and kicked some small boxes out of the way in the front hall.

"Just move in?" Derek asked.

"Actually, I'm getting ready to move back in with my father. I JUST got this place but…he needs me…"

"Ah," Derek nodded, "But you won't talk about it?"

"Nope," Lexie said. "Make yourself at home, there's not much home left but…" she laughed.

"Thanks," Derek said.

Lexie set down her purse and made her way to the small kitchen. The apartment was tiny, with one small bedroom, a bathroom and a cramped living room.

Derek surveyed the blank walls and boxes and then found himself in the kitchen with Lexie.

"What do you feel like?" Lexie asked. Derek didn't say anything; he just looked into her eyes for a moment before his own eyes shifted to her lips. She shivered a bit as his hand grazed her arm and he leaned into her. Finally, his lips met hers and he pulled her close. He wrapped his arms around her and lifted her small frame up onto the counter. Her hands moved to his jaw bone and she held his face, kissing him back, hard.