Chapter 21

Ryan didn't want to do this. But he knew that he had to. It was one of those things that wasn't going to go away just by ignoring it. It would only get worse. Reluctantly he reached for the phone wanting to get it over and done with. He dialled the number that he knew so well and waited, hoping that no one would be home and that he would be able to delay the inevitable a little longer.

"Hello?" came the reply and he took a deep breath to prepare himself for a conversation that he knew was not going to go well.

"Kirsten?" Ryan asked, she sounded like she had been running.

"Ryan? Are you all right." She instantly sounded concerned.

"Yes. I'm fine." He assured her.

"But I mean … are you REALLY all right?" she asked again. She didn't want the automatic answer. She knew that he'd never want them to worry. No doubt that was why he hadn't said anything to them earlier.

"Yes. I'm REALLY fine. There's nothing wrong with me." he confirmed again.

"Then how … why…" Kirsten had no idea how to proceed if in fact he was telling the truth … which he always did. "But … don't you like her?" she asked.

"Of course I do." Ryan replied swiftly.

"Then how … why …" Kirsten began again. She was more puzzled than ever.

"How and why what?" Ryan asked.

Kirsten knew that they were going around in circles. She was just going to have to come out with it. Surely Marissa hadn't lied to her because she was embarrassed to admit that they were sleeping together. It wasn't like she'd be the first girl to share Ryan's bed. But maybe she came from a different type of background. One that made it difficult to admit to what they were doing because she was afraid of the disdain that it may be met with when she was looking for their approval. Maybe she just hadn't wanted to admit it to Kirsten. "I know that it's none of my business really but … she said that you weren't sleeping together?"

"I can't believe how that would have come up in polite conversation but she's right. We haven't." Ryan confirmed.

Kirsten didn't know whether to be happy or sad at the reply. She was relieved that Marissa hadn't lied to her but there was a small part of her that wished that she had. Then she wouldn't still need to be so concerned about Ryan. But it seemed that much at least, of what Marissa had said was right. Kirsten figured that she may as well push on with the rest and find out one way or the other what was going on. "Because you won't?" Kirsten asked looking for confirmation. Maybe she'd misunderstood and it was Marissa that was delaying things. That would be understandable.

"I assure you that's only temporary." Ryan assured her.

So it was Ryan that was holding out. "But … do you have a …um…" what was she supposed to say? "Do you … have a problem with something?" she got out and then quickly went on to explain. "We hear Seth talk and we know you've had a lot of partners. You do get checked out regularly don't you? " Kirsten asked. It frightened her to think that his previous lifestyle might be the cause of this strange shift away from the norm.

"No. Is that really how you think of me? That the only reason that I wouldn't bed her at the first possible opportunity is because I've picked up 'something'?" Ryan asked now starting to feel exasperated, the only consolation was that Kirsten did sound like she was extremely embarrassed to have to even ask such a personal question.

"Well …It's just ..." Kirsten started.

Ryan frowned. He guessed that he couldn't really blame her for thinking that. His previous behaviour hadn't left her with much choice. "I guess that I may have given that impression before but this is different." He explained.

"It is?" Kirsten asked bewildered.

"She's … different." Ryan pointed out what to him was blatantly obvious.

"Different good or different bad?" Kirsten asked. She didn't want to assume anything anymore. It seemed that she had gotten to this embarrassing point by doing that already.

"What do you think?" Ryan asked.

"I think that she's amazing." Kirsten replied frankly. "She's stunning, sweet, caring and totally head over heels for you."

Ryan smiled at her description. "I agree with the first few. I'm not so sure about the last but I live in hope."

"I'd put money on it." Kirsten assured him.

"It's not your money I need but your time." Ryan suggested hoping that the worst of the interrogation was over.

"I don't understand." Kirsten replied confused.

"It's Marissa's birthday on Sunday and I was hoping that maybe you'd have some free time on Tuesday evening to help me go shopping. It's been quite a while since I've been trying to impress a girl and I figure that I may be a little rusty." Ryan explained. "And I doubt that Luke will be much help."

"Oh. I'd love to." Kirsten answered. She wasn't sure whether this was Ryan's way of reassuring her that he was fine or if he really did want her help but she'd knew that she'd take the opportunity to spend time with him either way. "You know that I love to shop. Are we looking for something special?" Kirsten asked. The relief was clear in her voice now that things were more 'normal' conversation wise. Here Ryan was asking her to do something she could do with her eyes shut.

"Special enough that she'll think that I'm special." Ryan explained.

"She already does." Kirsten pointed out.

"If I could be totally sure of that then it would save me a shopping trip. But since I'm not, I can't afford to take that chance. So, I think that we'd still better go. Sort of like buying me insurance." He suggested.

"You don't need it. She could barely take her eyes off you. You do know that she and Sophie made a deal on Sunday?" Kirsten asked.

"No. What sort of deal?"

"Apparently they are going to share you, so Sophie tells me." she explained.

Ryan smiled. "That's … cute?" he said.

"Yes it is." Kirsten agreed. "And I'm more than happy to meet you and help you shop. But about this other thing. Don't hold out too long so that she thinks you're playing games or just aren't interested, believe me it can crush a girl."

"Let me assure you I have no intention of missing the boat. She won't be sailing without me." Ryan informed her confidently.

----

Monday evening, Marissa cuddled up to Ryan on his sofa. "That Chili Con Carne was really good." She couldn't help but say. "But I really think that I ate too much." she said poking out her stomach and patting it with her hand. "If I keep eating like that then I'll end up with a paunch and you won't want to see me naked."

Ryan smiled. "Let me assure you that I will always want to see you naked." He said in a tone that brooked no argument. "I want to see you naked, eat with you naked …" his eyes sparkled thinking back to their Rude Food dinner party. "Feel you naked, sleep with you naked, make love to you naked."

"I think that I'm sort of getting your drift." Marissa laughed and snuggled in even closer. "That sort of does sound like fun."

"Yeah. It does." he said gently stroking his fingers along the inside of her arm setting her nerve endings on fire.

Marissa knew that she needed to get things back on to a less dangerous topic because when he touched her like that … she wanted to jump his bones and that couldn't happen so she asked "So where did you learn to cook like that. Is it one of Kirsten's recipes?"

"No. Kirsten doesn't really have recipes." Ryan explained. "Up until a couple of years ago she could barely even cook. She's much better now but she just keeps to the recipe books because she's scared that she'll stuff things up otherwise. Whereas … that recipe is more of a handful of this and a splash of that."

"So did you get it from your Mom?" she asked.

"No." Ryan shook his head. "My mum cooked even less than Kirsten. I actually remember her trying to cook a cake for me one birthday. I was maybe 5 or 6. She made a big thing out of buying one of those packet mixes from the supermarket and she borrowed a cake tin from Theresa's mum next door." He explained.

"That's really nice that she went to the trouble." Marissa commented. "My mother always bought one from the store."

"We couldn't afford that. Mom usually spent all the money she had on booze. But I guess it was nice of her. It's just that it was inedible." He explained. "I don't know how you can get that sort of thing wrong but she did. We probably had no milk so she added beer or something instead." Ryan shrugged. "Even the dog next door wouldn't eat it."

"That's so sad. But she did at least try. It's the thought that counts." Marissa reminded him.

Ryan nodded. He remembered telling himself the same thing many times through out his childhood when things hadn't quite turned out as expected. Which was often.

Marissa realised that he was lost in some memory and it was making him a little forlorn. So she decided to change the subject. "So you still didn't tell me where you learnt to make such good chili?"

Ryan came back to the present. "We had a Mexican family that lived next door in Chino when I was growing up. I used to hang out there a lot when things weren't going so well at home … which was most of the time. Mostly I'd spend my time with Theresa but occasionally if she was out then I'd hang around in the kitchen and talk to her Mom. She would always be cooking and I guess that I just picked some of it up."

Marissa wondered if she would come across as jealous if she asked about who 'Theresa' was but she was only trying to get to know a little more about him. "So 'Theresa' was a friend?"

Ryan nodded. "Yeah – a good friend." He shrugged. "I guess that she was my best friend. If it hadn't been for her and her family then I don't know how I would have gotten through my childhood. Just about every happy memory I have of my younger years is of time spent at their house not my own."

Marissa now felt bad for having raised the subject but she wanted to know about his background. It had all contributed to making him … him.

"Do you still keep in touch?" she asked wondering if she should be jealous of someone that had obviously been very close to him.

"No. I haven't spoken to her since …" Ryan started and then got lost in his memories of Theresa walking out on him at the Cohen's, accusing him of being not unlike her brother and Trey.

Marissa touched him on the leg and startled him. "It's been quite a while." He finished.

"Do I gather that you didn't part on good terms?" Marissa asked. She was concerned about where he'd zoned out to while they had been talking.

"I think that we're fine. It's just that we moved in different directions. The last time that I spoke to her she was working in hotel management and had a son. It didn't seem that we had a lot in common anymore." He explained.

Marissa nodded and then asked. "Is she married?"

"Um. No. She'd spilt up with the father of the child." Ryan explained. He didn't think that Marissa needed to know that for a time he had thought that he may have been the father.

"It must be difficult being a single Mom. I have enough trouble imagining being a parent at all … let alone trying to do it on your own." She remarked.

Ryan agreed with her whole heartedly. That was what had forced him to return to Chino with Theresa when she'd been pregnant. He'd hated it. He wasn't ready for it, wasn't ready to be a parent, wasn't ready to settle down with someone who would never be more than a good friend. But he had been prepared to do it. Because neither was she. And he couldn't let her go through it by herself. But he'd never wanted to spend his life with her.

He couldn't pretend that he was anything but relieved when he'd found out that Daniel had been Eddie's. He looked at Marissa still with her hand on her over full stomach and he couldn't help but imagine what it would be like if she was pregnant with his child. It would be entirely different. He'd never want to leave her side. "Hopefully you'll never have to do it on your own."

Marissa looked at him seriously. She felt that there was something in his voice that held more than just a passing interest in the topic but she wasn't prepared to take it any further, scared that she may find out more than she wanted to know. "I guess that we'd better make sure that we're careful when we get around to doing it?" she suggested.

Ryan nodded. "Are you on the pill?" he asked.

Marissa nodded. "Yeah. But it's still not 100 effective."

"I know. Don't worry I'll be prepared as well." He said for reassurance. "I thought that I'd buy the extra large box?" he suggested. "Just in case." He teased.

"In case of what?" Marissa asked.

"In case you can't keep your hands off me." he teased trying to lighten the mood that seemed to have gotten dark and depressing.

"I must admit that I'm having trouble even now as we speak." She taunted him.

"Please be my guest. Feel free to do what ever you would like." He offered, leaning his head back on the lounge and opening his arms wide in a gesture of surrender.

"You say that now but as soon as I start you'll accuse me of teasing you because I won't let you return the favour." Marissa replied.

"True." He replied. She had him pegged in one.

Marissa settled herself more comfortably against him. She knew that there would never be a better time to ask him and so she broke the easy silence that had settled between them.

"Can I ask you something?" she enquired.

"Sure." He shrugged. She was acting a little hesitant and he couldn't help but wonder what was to come next.

"You know how you wanted me …" she started and then corrected herself."...well us really … to wait?"

"Yeah." He replied softly.

"Why?" she asked simply.

"Why what?" he asked.

"Why did you want to wait? I know that you've had plenty of one night stands before. So why not me?"

Ryan squirmed around trying to get comfortable. He knew that he didn't want to go down this path with her but it seemed like she was leaving him with little choice. "A one night stand is just that. A bit of fun and pleasure that I don't expect to go any further. You were different."

"Why? Because I was a virgin?" Marissa offered up.

"Partly. But also because I felt that I wanted to see more of you. And I don't just mean you naked. I think that we got to that part fairly quickly." He replied hoping that memories of last Monday evening might manage to distract her from her line of questioning. But no such luck.

"But part of it was because I was a virgin?" she asked again.

"I guess." He replied.

Marissa felt like she was missing something here. But she intended to persist. As Kirsten had advised she just needed to find the right question. "Did you know your first or was it a one night stand?"

"No. I knew her." Ryan admitted.

"Were you dating?" Marissa asked. She could see that Ryan was uncomfortable and she was sure that she was really close to finding the right question.

"Not really." He answered.

"What do you mean by 'Not really'? Surely it's one of those yes or no things?" she asked.

"We were friends." He explained.

"Friends with benefits." Marissa commented.

"Well we hadn't been up to then but I guess we were after. At least for a while." He admitted.

Marissa felt that she was close but that she was just missing something. "So it was her first time too?"

Ryan pulled his arm from around her and buried his face in his hands. There was an uncomfortable silence until finally he looked up and said "No. And I think that we should leave it at that."

Bingo. Marissa knew that whatever she was looking for was very close. So close that she couldn't leave it alone.

"Why? If she was more experienced wouldn't that be a good thing? She'd know what you where trying to do." She reasoned, thinking that she wished that she knew what she was trying to do, and then she wouldn't be so nervous about the whole thing.

"It wasn't a good thing. We were supposed to be each other's first. It's just that my brother got there before me." Ryan replied tersely.

"You and you're brother both liked the same girl?" Marissa asked astonished. No wonder this was painful to remember. Maybe she should have left it alone.

"Trey didn't like her." Ryan assured her.

"He must have if he wanted to make love to her." Marissa reasoned.

"He didn't make love to her. He fucked her." Ryan stated disgustedly. "And you want to know why?" Ryan asked, now seemingly angry with the world.

Marissa had never seen Ryan like this. She was almost scared to hear the rest.

"Because I borrowed a condom. Because I borrowed a fucking condom. If I'd never done that then he would probably have just left her alone." Ryan exclaimed running his hands through his hair.

"But …" It didn't make sense to Marissa. There was obviously more to it.

"Don't you see? Once I did that, he knew that Theresa and I had been talking about doing it and Trey decide that he'd get in there first. He got everything first. And I got his hand me downs."

"Surely not." Marissa said. She hadn't heard anything good about Trey but even so …

"They were his exact words when he left Theresa after fucking her. She was bruised and bleeding and he just left her there crying." Ryan explained.

Marissa felt sick. "Did he …"

Ryan shook his head. "No he didn't rape her. Some how or other he convinced her that she was doing it for me. That she'd be experienced and know what she was doing and that then she'd be able to make it that much better for me when we finally did it. She was young and Trey could be very persuasive when he wanted something."

Marissa swallowed. She knew what it was like to have insecurities about knowing what to do. "And did it make a difference?" she asked.

"What do you think? I couldn't have cared less about whether she'd know what she was doing. I had hoped that it would mean something to both of us. It should mean something." Ryan stressed. "After that, all it ever meant to Theresa was a way to feel good. A way to escape from the misery of her everyday life. She managed to cut her emotions off from the physical act. It was pleasuring her body and that's it. After we broke up, she slept with anything with a dick for a while. She wanted to feel good. But the momentary exhilaration of coming is nothing compared to the disgust that you feel afterwards when you realise that there is nothing else there. No feelings. I know that she's regretted it to this day. That's why it was important to me that we had a connection other than the physical. I didn't want you ever regretting your decision to be with me. I didn't want to be just the dick that you lost it too. That would make me no better than my brother. And I've spent too much of my life trying to be anything but."

Marissa took in everything that he'd said and softly said. "I don't know Trey. But I do know that you are nothing like that."

"I'm no angel. I'm not proud that I've slept around a lot." Ryan admitted.

"But I bet that none of them ever objected. You'd stop straight away."

"Theresa didn't object." Ryan explained.

"No. But that was her decision not yours. You can't blame yourself for something that she chose to do." Marissa said and then couldn't help but ask. "Did you love her?"

Ryan shrugged. "Not really. She was my best friend. If I say that I loved her like a sister then it sounds even worse. But back in those days – sex in Chino was just something that you did. Like having your first smoke or your first drink. It was something pleasurable that helped to pass the time. Nothing more. What was good about sex compared to booze and drugs was that it didn't cost any money. Well except for the condoms … but you could usually score those from the free clinic." Ryan explained, wondering how she would feel about him now that she knew just what his background was really like. Not the love and comfort of the Cohen's but the depressing streets of Chino and all that came with it.

"I don't want you to look at it like that." He said addressing her. "I don't want you to feel about it like that. It should be something special."

"It will be." She assured him wanting him to know that what he'd confided in her made no difference to the way that she felt about him. And yet still she couldn't help but continue on. "Have you always felt so strongly about it when you have been with other virgins?"

Ryan sighed deeply. He'd never opened up to anyone the way that he just had to Marissa and he didn't know if he could go any further. He was leaving himself bare. He stared at her and the compassion that he saw in her eyes gave him the courage to confess. "I've never been with a virgin. Do you think that I would ever want to be responsible for doing what Trey did? He may not have attacked Theresa but he left her with emotional scars that she may never recover from."

Marissa was stunned.

She would be his first.

He would be her first.

She was about to say more when the door opened and Luke wandered through.

"I hope that you left me some Chili man? I'm starving." He said moving quickly in to the kitchen and leaving them still sitting on the lounge. The atmosphere around them charged with emotion that Luke seemed to have missed completely.

Ryan took Marissa back into his arms and held her tightly. She knew that he was upset. She was upset. But she also knew that they were closer than ever. She understood now why it was so important for him that they wait until they got to know one another. But the more she got to know him, the more certain she was that he was the one for her.

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