(This is a story that I wrote for my Gifted English 2 class assignment. I was told to write a fictional story using some mythological characters and my imagination. If you are confussed about the mythology, there's Lella's helpful guide.
Dionysys: the god of drinking, wine, grapes, merry, etc.
Zues: king of the gods; uses the lightning bolts.
Athena: daughter of Zues; guardian of the lightning bolts.
Ares: god of war.
I hope that helps! If you don't know who Chuck Norris and Tom Cruise are, you should pretty much get out from under that rock you call home. -Lella)
Back when the world was still rather young, if you can say that a mutli-billion year-old planet was young, there were two great friends with extraordinary powers. One of them could roundhouse kick a man so hard that they would go flying around the earth faster than the speed of light. The other friend had the ability to make the entire world drunk with rage or just drunk. And who were these two amazing friends? They were, of course, Chuck Norris and Dionysus.
The two frineds would spend days tracking down Texan criminals and farmers that would slay the vines in the fall, and they would enjoy hunting just for the sheer amusement to see Hannah Kahn freak out. They were indeed the best of friends forever and ever until one fateful day.
While stalking a recently jail-broken criminal in the deep dark woods of Texas, Chuck Norris came upon an MI3 movie poster with Tom Cruise on the cover. Knowing that Tom Cruise roamed these parts of the wilderness with his sheer weirdness and all around freakiness, he immediately ran to Dionysus to tell him of the impending danger. When he came to their bachelor pad that was randomly in the middle of the woods, he was surprised to find that Dionysys was nowhere to be found.
"Oh, Dionysys, my friend, where art thou?" Chuck Norris called out into the apartment.
Dionysus called from above, "Chuck Norris, stop talking like an idiot!"
"I don't have to," he replied, "I'm Chuck Norris!"
"Well, I suppose that you have a point."
"Yes, I do. Now tell me, Dionysus, where are you?" Chuck Norris asked.
"I thought that you knew everything!" Dionysus laughed out.
"Oh no, they're onto me!" Chuck Norris whispered into his watch that transmitted the message to some alien headquarters.
"I'm on the roof," Dionysus called out.
"Let me guess," Chuck Norris started, "You're hunting again so that the girls from Peta will try to attack you?"
"It makes for a good work-out, but no. I actually recieved word from Hermes that Zeus is mad at us, so I'm on the look out for anything strange," he said.
Chuck Norris used an insane karate move to get to the top of the roof where he sat next to Dionysus and mentioned, "that's odd."
"Why do you say?" Dionysus asked.
"Well," Chuck Norris started, "I happened to see an MI3 movie poster while tracking down a new criminal, so I thought that I would warn you of trouble. Tom Cruise does happen to roam these parts of the woods."
"Which is why our insurance is so high from living here. But, tell me, do you really think that these could be connected at all?" he asked.
"Actually, I think that they could be. Zeus has threatened to team up with some evil foes. Like, remember that time when he teamed up with Pat Cleaver?" Chuck Norris stared intently at Dionysus to see if he remembered.
"Well, I remember Pat Cleaver and the boogyman teaming up together, and I remember Zeus teaming up with Brad Pitt. But, truthfully, I don't remember any other combonations that have scared me except Lella and Captain Bubbles. Now that was scary!"
"Indeed that was," Chuck Norris said while taking a moment to morn the loss of brain cells that had died that fateful day.
"So, if Zeus and Tom Cruise really are banding together, what do you think that we should do?" Dionysus asked Chuck Norris. Chuck paused and stood up. He thought of the many possibilities, but finally found that nearly none of them would work.
"My best idea," Chuck Norris stated, "would be to ask the oracle of Delphi for advice."
"Who's that?" Dionysus asked.
"You'll find out," Chuck Norris said with a half smile like that of the smile that President Bush wears before making a speach.
Chuck Norris lead Dionysus to an ancient place rock formation that just so happened to be nearby. There, the birds were silent, the creek did not babble, smoke smelling of sewers rose from the cracks in the ground, and stolen stop signs litered the trunks of the dead and dying trees.
Chuck Norris suddenly called with a thundering voice, "Oracle of Delphi, we beseatch thee! Are Zeus and Tom Cruise in league with one another?"
Well, it just so happened that the Oracle of Delphi had taken a sick day that day, and Noah Edwards was taking the oracle's place. Noah walked up to the odd chair and climbed on. He quickly brushed up on his Greek accent (which wasn't hard since he can pretty much pull off anything), and he called back to them, "What do you want?"
Chuck, expecting the actual Oracle of Delphi, made an odd face before deciding to trust the unfamiliar voice, "Um, we were wondering if you knew anything about Zeus and Tom Cruise being partners in our planned demise."
Noah scratched his head then made up an answer as quickly as he could. "Yeah, they're going to kill you both."
"But that's impossible! I'm Chuck Norris!" Chuck Norris cried out.
"Sorry, but you both are totally going to die," Noah laughed.
"Hey, are you really an oracle?" Dionysus asked while trying to find some kind of switch or button to open up the chamber where Noah was.
"Yes," Noah started, "I just happen to have a cold right now. Now go away, or I'll sick Lella on you both."
Chuck Norris and Dionysus quickly ran away as fast as their legs could carry them (which was very fast) when Noah mentioned the name Lella. Lella was feared greatly by the mythological beings because she was uneffected by their powers. Infact, she enjoyed to mess up their plans and poke them when they weren't looking so that they would turn around in the wrong direction. All-in-all, she was way to goofy and weird for Chuck Norris, Dionysus, or any other mythological being for that matter to try and fight or mess with.
Dionysus and Chuck Norris traveled to Mt. Olympus (which also happened to be somewhat nearby, oddly enough) in search of Zeus and Tom Cruise. There, they climbed to the heavens and found Zeus. Zeus, surprised that Chuck Norris and Dionysus had laid foot inside of his ultimate home, sent Hermes to fetch Tom Cruise. It turned out that Tom Cruise really was in league with Zeus, and Chuck Norris and Dionysus were very glad that they had come to fight them.
"Zeus, we've come to break your alliance with Tom Cruise!" Dionysus yelled.
"I pretty much figured that," Zeus siad blatantly.
"Oh... Well, break your alliance. Now!" he demanded. Chuck Norris pushed him aside and told him to leave it to him.
"Zeus, you're momma's so fat, she sat on a rainbow, and skittles came out!" Chuck Norris yelled.
"So? I can't deny the truth," Zeus said as Tom Cruise arrived by his side looking more weird than ever.
"Oh yeah? Well I can win a game of Connect Four in three moves!" Chuck yelled.
"I can through thunderbolts at people!" Zeus yelled back.
"My tears can cure cancer. Too bad I never cry!" Chuck Norris yelled in his face.
"I have more children than you have fingers and toes!" Zeus laughed out.
"I counted to infinity," Chuck stated, "TWICE!"
"Oooo, that is a rather good one, but I can blind people by my godliness!"
"Well, I'm so big and tough that the Buggyman checks his closet every night for me!" Chuck Norris yelled, quite happy with his example.
"I invented the Buggyman!!!" Zeus thundered.
"I don't care! I can speak braille, and I play poker with Hades every Wednesday!" Chuck said.
"Why would I care about that?" Zeus asked.
Chuck simply replied, "I don't know." And then an akward silence began, but it was ended when a completely random lightning bolt flashed through the sky and smited Tom Cruise. Zeus ran to his comrade's side in a blink of an eye.
"NOOOOO!!!" Zeus yelled at the top of his lungs, "Who could do such a thing?!" Suddenly, Athena jumped from the clouds and walked over to her father and the smited (and now smoking) Tom Cruise.
"Uh, Daddy...?" she tried to begin.
"What is it?" Zeus inquired.
"Um, I was putting your thunderbolts away, and I swear, Ares and I were NOT playing with them. Anyway, one of them kind of flew away and smitedTom Cruise," she said. "Sorry..."
Zeus stared at his daughter, then proceded to smite her with a thunderbolt. Now with Tom Cruise and Athena dead, Zeus decided that the only way to survive Chuck Norris and Dionysus would be to jump off of Mt. Olympus. He waved, then jumped over the edge, becoming a vegetable once he hit the bottom. A little boy happened across him and yelled to his mother.
"Mommy! Mommy! Look, it's Zeus! Can I keep him?" he asked.
"No, dear. He might try to molest you," she said, and then they walked away.
In the end, everything turned out just fine for our heros Dionysus and Chuck Norris. They eventually left Mt. Olympus, teamed up with Mr. T., and decided to hunt down more Texan criminals. Tom Cruise remained smited alongside Athena on Mt. Olympus. Noah was arrested for impersonating an oracle, and the real Oracle of Delphi came back after her sick day to tell people prophetic events again. Lella wrote more stupid stories about mythology and the like, and Zeus is now a vegetable living in a museum where he is forced to wear a diaper. At the end of the day, everyone joined in song, and Chuck Norris killed them. But it was still pretty much awesome.
The End.