Chapter 33
Jutsu no Jutsu
About a week after the little duel incident, no one in Konoha had seen Naruto since. Actually, no one really cared that they hadn't seen Naruto in a week and they were pretty glad of it. Neji was in the hospital from the duel. He, like Lee, was handcuffed to the bed (he attempted to feel up one to many nurses). Sasuke was still in Konoha, trying to find Orchimaru. Not having any luck, he decided to wait in line to buy a wii.
As for the rest of the nins, once again, the nins (and Zelos) were in school. Actually, to be more specific, they were in the school, it just hadn't started yet. Inside the ninja academy classroom, all the nins were attending to their own business. They were in a different classroom from before. They were in the 3rd floor jutsu room, where the front of the room is lower than the back of the room (slantish) Sakura was talking to Lee, who was in a wheelchair, and whimpering 'sand rape, Gaara will eat me' over and over. Shikamaru was once again, on the short leash (literally, Temari put him in another collar, and a leash). And the entire time, Temari was making murderous glances at Tenten, and muttering comments like 'bitchy slut, little bitch'. In the front of the classroom, Kiba was talking to Tenten, with his moogle going through the teachers desk, looking for confiscated contraband. Right next to them, Zelos was drawing on the chalkboard (A very detailed Drawing of the female chest anatomy). In the back of the classroom, Kankuro was talking to Kimimmaru about his plan for finding Haku.
"we need to attract him back to the village" Kankuro said, motioning his hand "we need to do something that's a sure fire idea"
"well, what do you have in mind?" asked Kimi
"simple, we put on a production of RENT in Konoha theater. As soon as we announce it, he'll be here to audtion for it, we all know how much that guy likes RENT"
"sigh, Kankuro, your idea wont work" said Kimi, depressed at Kankys hopelessly stupid idea
"what? Why not?"
"first of all, the theaters been destroyed, remember the play? Secondly, he might not be in a play where we can here about it. Thricely, if we did hold that musical, I'd be the lead, I'm the talent around here"
"sorry to burst your bubble Kimi, but you don't have any talent" said Kankuro, bluntly
"that didn't stop the actors in the movie from being in it…"
SLAM!!!!
"YO!"
Everyone in the classroom stopped and looked. Standing in the doorway, was what they supposed was their new teacher. He was wearing what looked to be a strange blue military uniform, had small, rectangular glasses on, and had a goatee and gelled hair. As soon as he walked in, everyone walked to their seats (same as chapters 20 and 25). Everyone except Kiba's moogle, who was still rooting inside the teachers drawer for goodies.
"hello class!" he said, walking to the front of the room, pulling the moogle out of the desk drawer (the moogle had already swiped a ton of stuff) "I'm your new jutsu teacher, and my name is M-A-E-S, H-U-G-H-E-S" he said slowly, writing it on the chalkboard, over Zeloses wonderful drawing of the female anatomy. "any questions?"
In the middle of the room, Shino was making bets with everyone around him on how long this teacher would last.
"Anyway, students, before we start, there's something I need to tell you…." He said, reaching for something inside his military uniform.
What could it be? Everyone in the class leaned forward to get a better view.
Suddenly, the odd teacher pulled out what looked like pictures of a little girl.
"WHO HERE WOULD LIKE TO SEE PICTURES OF MY DAUGHTER ELICIA? ISN'T SHE A BUNDLE OF DIVINE CUTENESS?!?"
All of the girls in the class went 'awwwwww' at the same time and rushed forward to look at pictures of his daughter. Leaving all the guys in their seats, except for Shikamaru, who was dragged bodily along by Temari on her leash, leaving him lying on the ground, struggling for breathe as Temari fawned over the pictures.
Five minutes later, the girls lost interest over the pictures and returned to their seats (everyone trampled over poor Shika on their way back). Maes Hughes put the pictures away and faced the class in their seats.
"Okay, students, lets begin our lesson. I am your Ninjutsu instructor, now before we beguin, I need to tell you all something, I have no F(censored)ing clue what the hell jutsu is."
Wow, what a great teacher.
"I'm from a land where we don't use Jutsu or magic, we use guns and alchemy"
"ooooo, Alchemy! Could you give us a demonstration of that?" asked Sakura
"Nope, don't know how to use it" said Maes
The whole class sighed. This was the worst teacher ever.
"could you at least tell us a bit about yourself?" asked Sakura
"uh, sure" said Maes "I have the most beautiful wife in the world, and the nicest, sweetest little girl in the world too. I'm from the country of Amesitis, by the way. I was a brigadier general in the military there. But than I stumbled upon something I shouldn't have…"
"what was it?" asked Shika
"was it a weapon?" Kimi asked curiously
"was it an evil plot that would destroy a whole country?" asked Kankuro
"was it weapons of mass destruction?" asked Lee
"no! I simply found some incriminating pictures of Fuehrer president Bradley" he said, passing them around
Everyone took a look at the pictures. It was the first time in any of their lives that they had seen pictures of a man in an eye patch wearing a clown wig.
"anyway, they put a hit out on me, and a freaky guy with an ambiguous gender tried to give me the shaft, now im here, teaching you kids in a subject I have no idea about. So bare with me. And now, time for the actual teaching. What we are doing today, is every one of you are going to go in front of the class, and present a jutsu you made up"
Rock Lee raised his hand "uhh, I Can't use Ninjutsu, what should I do?"
"well" said Maes Smiling "you fail this class, you whiney, ugly, genetically inferior loser"
Rock Lee started to do that weird crying of his, and ran out of the room. In the middle of the class room, Gaara was fuming with rage. This new asshole of a teacher just made his wuv muffin cry. The only person that was allowed to Make Lee cry was him (Hes very good at hurting Lee). Gaara swore to himself he would extract his revenge on this new teacher, somehow….
"anyway, class, who should go first…" Maes said, looking down a list of students "letsssssss see, how about the new kid, a Zelos Wilder"
"Shit!" Zelos said, falling out of his chair, Zelos scrambled to get up, regained his dignity, and strutted to the front of the class.
"So Zelos" said Maes, looking at the notes Tsunade gave him "I understand that your from a land where they don't use jutsu, so that means there are no ninjas?"
"actually, there were ninjas" said Zelos, as he got to the front of the room, and faced the class "she was a really hottie, great legs, nice ass and killer killer kittens, too bad she was a total bitch. Anyway, she didn't use Jutsu, she used something else, I think….I was too busy staring at her magnificent rac…"
"Zelos" said Maes, cutting him off "stop talking about that ninjas cats and show the class the jutsu you created"
Zelos was pissed that Maes was cutting him off. Zelos put on his serious face, he held up his hands in front of him, and made the hand signs of the Tiger, Tiger, and Tiger.
"Uh" said Shika, interrupting Zeloses concentration "why are you doing the same hand sign over and over?"
"cause the others are too Fking hard to do!" said Zelos angrily, restarting his jutsu. After redoing the hand signs, he said the name of his ninjutsu.
"pervert no jutsu!" he yelled
Zelos stood in front of the class, his hands still making the sign of the tiger. He didn't appear to be doing anything, just standing there, looking around, and giggling a lot.
"what the hell did you do?" yelled Sakura in the back
"whys he giggling like Neji?" asked Kimmi
"uh, kid" said Maes, walking up to Zelos "what did you just do?"
"My super ultra special jutsu" said Zelos, still red in the face and giggling "It gives me the power to see through Woman's clothing and see their bra sizes"
DA da duh da DUH!
Zelos obtained the title of Perverted Ninja
Every girl in the classroom shrieked at the same time. Every guy stared at the girls, each taking a mental note that they've gotta get Zelos to teach them that later…
"Lets see…." Said Zelos, scanning each of the girls "Sakura got a nice set of kittens, nice" Zelos dodged a few throwing stars thrown by Sakura "Tenten, you've got some very nice girls too, hehe"
"why thank you Zelos" said Tenten, smiling, in her cherish, horish attitude
"Ino, you're an Ironing board, not good at all"
Once again, Zelos had some more throwing stars thrown at him, but Zelos dodged
"And Temari, you've gotta…"
Zelos was cut off, Temari had thrown her fan, and nailed Zelos right in the head, knocking him out cold.
"Okayyyy" said Maes, pulling unconscious Zelos to the corner of the room "remind me not to piss you off. Anyway, lets see who else is on this list…"
MUCH LATER
You guessed it, things were not going good in the Jutsu class. Temari had hurt Kiba's feelings, and he ran out of the room crying again. For Chojis jutsu, all he did was eat a can of Coca cola whole (unopened). And when Kimi went up, he got a boner in front of the class (his bones started to stick out, what do you think that means you pervert?). Currently up was Shino.
Shino had developed a jutsu that was a combination of Chidori and Rasengan. It was about 150 times more powerful than both of them combined. It looked like a spinny ball of lighting and wind in his hand.
"I call it the Rasengan Blade" he said aloud "It's a combination of Sasukes hallmark Jutsu, and Narutos hallmark jutsu. Its much more powerful than ethier of those novices things"
Indeed it was. He had the thing in his hand, and the mere presence of it was causing a power shortage, a 50 MPH wind in the room, and the paint on the walls to peel. Not to mention it was causing Kankuro in the back to scream like a girl out of fear.
"Any questions?" asked Shino
"NO!" yelled Maes, trying to get away from Shino "you get an A, just get that thing the hell away from here!"
Shino shrugged, walked over to the window, and threw the Rasengan blade out the window. He turned around and went back to his seat. As he was walking, there was a BOOM as it hit the ground, following by a girly scream.
"uh, did he just hit Kiba?" asked Sakura
ABOUT 20ft BELOW
Even though Kiba was outside, surprisingly, it did not hit him. You see, Orchimaru was trying to spy on the schoolboys, and was peeking through a window, right on the ground under the 3rd story window where Shino threw Rasengan blade out of…
"ohhh, yesssssss, lotssssa young boysssssss" he said, looking through the window into the class. "hey, whatsssss that?" he asked, looking at the incoming ball of energy.
Orchimaru found out what it was the hard way.
BOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMM! (Insert picture of a miniature atom bomb explosion). BOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!
Orchimaru took a hit to the head. The chidori/rasengan combo was as effective as its name sounds, and practically destroyed Orchimaru.
"AHHHH! OWWIE! Why would a nicccceeee tender boyssss do thissss to meeee?" he said, writhing in agony.
Orchi lay on the ground, mortally wounded, blood shooting out of him like a sprinkler. Orchimaru was going to die, and he knew it. So like most parasites, he needed to leech onto the first thing he saw…
"Mog! Come back to me!" Kiba yelled, chasing after his moogle friend "I made you a muffin!"
"Kupo kupo kuppopo!" the moogle yelled flying away
Orchimaru saw the boy, he didn't seem like the sharpest knife in the drawer, but he would do.
"BODY REPLACEMENT JUTSU" Orchimaru yelled
Suddenly, Kiba stopped right in his tracks. He felt funny, like something had suddenly chilled him to the soul. Suddenly, his body started to move and talk on its own!
"Hahahaha! The jutssssssu succeeded! Now its time to take over thisssssss pathetic country!"
Kiba was scared, his body was moving and acting on its own. Which was very bad, he worked out.
"Whos there?" asked Kiba, looking around "why am I talking to myself"
"Sssssssshut up!" said Kiba to himself "I will destroy the land of fire, and eat the flessssssh of my enemiessssss!"
"I cant do that! I'm a Vegan! I don't eat my furry friends" said Kiba, frantically
"wellsss, in the meannnssstime, I will finds messs sssssome boysssssss!"
And thus, the poor possessed ninja tromped off, leaving the possessee really freaked out.
"SOMEBODY HELP ME! I DON'T KNOW WHAT IM DOING! IM SCARING MYSELF! SAVE ME, MOOGLE FRIENDS!"
Too bad for Kiba, all the moogles were helping Haku, about a few hundred miles away.
Ahhhh, Thanksgiving break, its a beautiful time of the year. You see, at my school, it used to be only a two day week, with only school on the monday and Tuesday before Thanksgiving. Due to shockingly low attendance, they made it a One day week, with only school on Monday. Due to even LOWER attendance on that day, they now give us the whole week off.
Thats right, I get the whole week off.
Ahhhhhhhhhh, Life is unfair, but its great when its unfair to someone else for once. To all of those who are spending time in school this week, look on the brightside, I have more time to write this stuff.
Enough of that. Anyway, now that Maes Hughes has entered my humble Fanfic, I feel like I should tell the readers this.
NARUTO IS NOT MY FAVORITE MANGA SERIES.
Thats right. Even though I love ninjas (always have). And I think some characters in it are cool (Rock Lee, Shino, Hinata, you guys kick ass!). Its still not my favorite thing. My favorite Manga is...Fullmetal Alchemist.
Why?
Because its the greatest thing ever.
And until next time, every time a Yaoi is written, a puppy dies, an Angel looses its wings, and someone gets trampled waiting in line for the PS3 (Its all over the news...)
Thankupo!