Chapter 34
Trouble on the love boat
Were onto Chapter 34 of this sub-par fanfic, and since things are getting freakin complicated (sorta) its time for a character update.
Ninja people
Naruto, Disappeared, coincidentally, the same day Maes appeared. Does anyone care? Not really
Sakura, Is kinda crushed that she has horrible luck with men
Sasuke, has returned. It has been confirmed that he is NOT gay, and is looking for Orchimaru, so he can kill Itachi. His favorite pastimes are knitting and listening to Shakira.
Tenten, Still a pretty big slut. Is Hinata newest friend. And is always willing to give out bad relationship advice. She is also completely unaware of Temaris hatred of her. Her current fetish is (censored out, its that bad).
Neji, a pervy perv with a crush on his cousin. He recently made a mortal enemy out of Zelos. He occasionally pulls off a caper or two with Jiraya.
Lee, Spandex wearing Lee. Has lost a bit of his sanity due to Yaoi shock caused by Gaara. In spite of that, Lee is in love with Sakura.
Shino, The coolest ladys man ever. Also the son of Auron, and the great grandson of T.G. Cid. He is probably the only level headed person in this fic.
Kiba, a nice, animal loving vegetarian. He was possessed by Orchimarus body transfer technique, and is in a constant struggle to stop him.
Akamaru, became Tsuandes assistant. The only dog in the world able to perform advanced brain surgery.
Hinata, loves Narutard, but is unable to express it
Ino, a huge bitch.
Choji, has gotten a bit cooler since last time. Recently hes been wearing black clothes, has shaved his head, and has gotten the ouroboros tattooed onto his tongue.
Shikamaru, Is whipped like a pig. Just recently got the short leash put on him again. Due to a misfortunate mix up, it is now thought that Shika cheated on Temari with Tenten (didn't happen, but no one believes him).
Gaara, Still cant take the hint that Lee doesn't like him. Has done many, MANY unsuccessful yaoi attempts in the past.
Temari, Shikamarus insane girlfriend. She has him whipped like a pig (complete with a shock collar). She is currently plotting ways to kill Tenten and Sasuke.
Kankuro, has a strange, and unnatural obsession with dolls.
Kimmimaru, Still has dreams of starring on broadway. And has also recently become obsessed with Kuja.
Haku, helping out Tobi. Currently in a different fanfic.
Tobi, sent on a fools errand. Current whereabouts are in a different fanfic.
Itachi, blind guy with a gun. Not a good combo.
Kisame, the fish guy. Hes an alcoholic who enjoys listening to Abba.
Orchimaru, the creepy snake pedofile. Due to Shino accidentally destroying his body, Orchi was forced to use his body replacement jutsu and possess Kiba. He is currently in conflict with Kiba over the body.
Tsunade, the only ninja in the world that practices inebriated surgery style (surgery while plastered)
Kakashi, still addicted to Final fantasy, and is still fending off advances from Anko.
Anko, still cant take a hint. She still ignores the restraining order Kakashi got against her.
Hayate, has died a total of 17 times. Not quite sure how hes still alive though.
Jiraya, I still cant spell his name right
Iruka, Still addicted to root beer. Not much else info available.
Crossover Characters
Zelos, a rich, powerful, horny angel. Originally from Tales of Symphonia.
Maes, loves his family. A lot. A whole lot. He also is in the witness protection program (a gender confused Homculi attempted to kill him). Appeared right when Naruto disappeared. Originally from FullMetal Alchemist
The moogles, all left to help Haku and Tobi. The only one that remained (Mog) is currently Kibas best friend. Incidentally, Mog is fully capable of Human speech, but refrains from speaking it to "stick it to those bitches". Originally from FINAL FANTASY.
Sir Not appearing in this fanfic, this aptly named character is not appearing in this fanfic.
Seriously, if you think this is complicated, you should try typing this stuff. There are WAYYYYYYYYY to many Naruto characters. Maybe I should just do fanfics about Love Hina or Shaman King….
Ahhh, Shaman king.
Oh wait, still typing…
Now, the actual plot (sort of)
In Konoha, the most surprising thing ever happened.
Rock Lee, actually asked Sakura out on a date!
And even more surprising, she said yes!
Rock Lee had asked her out to the movies, and then to dinner. He had it all planned out. It was going to be the most romantic night ever. First, they were going to see the movie "super bloody Samurai death fights" (rated R for extreme Gore) than a romantic dinner at "super freakin curry house" (rated an A plus for inducing extreme indigestion). As you can probably guess, Rock Lee isn't a very romantic guy.
Because of his inexperience in the field of dating, he had gone around and asked a few people for advice.
Shino-
"Lee, be kind, be courteous, and for the love of god, don't F—k this up"
Zelos-
"hehe, tell me if shes a slut or not"
Neji-
"you can borrow my camera if you wanna get some pics for later…"
Tenten-
"you can practice with me If you wanna"
Maes-
"who the hell is Sakura?"
Gaara-
"What?!?! You have a date with the pink haired whore?!?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"
Basically, the only person that really gave him good advice was Shino. The others didn't help Lee out a bit (and seeing Gaara scared the crap out of Lee).
Lee was waiting outside the movie theater. He had brought some flowers to give Sakura (Sakura flowers, he has no imagination). He still couldn't believe that Sakura had said yes, and he was still praising his good luck by doing that creepy crying of his. Unbeknown to him, he was being watched, by a certain eyebrowless sand ninja.
That's right, Lees little Gentleman was ontop of the movie theater, watching Lee like a Hawk. When he learned his 'wuv muffin' had a date with Sakura, it almost killed him. Gaara had repeatedly showing Lee how much he cared about him, only to be ignored, or run away from. Gaara had plotted to kill Maes Huges for Making Lee cry, but he decided to put that on hold. His plan was simple, first, he'd kill Sakura (in a painful way), than he'd kidnap Lee for a long romantic night of hot yaoi love (Kicking or screaming). First they'd (Yaoi, censored for the innocent) and than Gaara would (Yaoi, censored for the innocent) and than his wuv muffin would (Yaoi, censored for the innocent) and then they'd (Censored, this is really easy to write). What the whip cream and chains were for, you don't want to know.
Anyway, Gaara planned to kill Sakura by using his sand to drop an anvil on her head (Gaara been watching to much TV). Suddenly, the pink haired witch of the west appeared…
"Lee honey!" Sakura yelled, running towards Lee.
Sakura was really serious about this date. For the first time in her life, she knew that there was a guy that really cared about her. She had really dolled herself up for this date. She had makeup, she had her hair done, she was wearing her best red outfit (she has about 23 of the exact same outfit).
"hey Sakura!" yelled Lee, waving at her
"hey bitch" mumbled Gaara, using his sand powers to lift up the anvil.
Unforunately for Gaara, anvils weren't as light as Wile Coyote made them look. Even with all his sand, he couldn't get the darn thing to budge.
"Stupid cartoons!" yelled Gaara.
The sand wasn't budging it, so Gaara started to push the anvil with all his might. Unforuntaely, Gaara forgot to take into account that he has the upper body strength of a sickly British boy, and that didn't budge it either.
"Sakura you look lovely" said Lee
"Why thank you" she responded, blushing
"Lets go inside, I've already got our tickets"
Lee and Sakura went inside. Seconds after they went in, Gaara finally got the anvil to fall off the building.
"HAHA! Take that you home wrecker!" he yelled triumphantly
But……Sakura was already inside, and the spot where Sakura was standing a minute earlier was then filled with Ino…
BBBAAAANNNNNNGGGGGG!!!!!!!
"OWWWW!"
Gaara looked over. The person who yelled wasn't the pink haired witch, it was her friend, the mean one. Gaara silently swore to himself. Not only did he let Sakura get into the theater, he didn't even kill Ino. It was going to be a bad day for him.
Gaara decided that he should do his next attempt inside the theater.
Murder attempt No. 2
Inside the theater, Lee and Sakura were in the 4th row, waiting for the flick to start. Lee had ordered a large, extra curry popcorn, and a super large root beer (living the good life). Surprisingly, also in the theater a few rows back was Temari and Shikamaru. Even though it was dark, Lee could tell it was them because he could make out a girl voice swearing and a male voice crying.
2 rows behind Lee, Gaara was plotting his next attack. He was going to kill Sakura by dropping a boulder off a cliff and onto her head. Unfortunately, there was no cliff, and no boulder, so Gaara would just have to settle with shooting Sakura. Unfortunately, Gaara didn't have a gun, but he was sitting next to someone who did….
"Excuse me, Itachi, can I have your gun?" Gaara asked to the blind Nin
"No!" responded Itachi, clutching the gun
That's right, Akasuki was in the movie theater. Gaara was sitting to the right of Itachi. As it turns out, the leader guy of Akasuki took out the nins to congratulate them on getting rid of Tobi. Kisame was sitting to Itachis left, and was already on his ninth beer, to Kisames right Deidra was feeding popcorn into the mouths on his hands, Sasori was physically unable to eat anything (he is a puppet) so he was just drinking wood polish. Itachi had the jumbo popcorn, and everyone was periodically stealing popcorn from him (stealing from a blind guy, god those nins are cruel).
"come on, I need to kill the pink haired chick!" said Gaara angrily
"No! I cannot allow my gun, the broken butterfly, to be used in such a manner! It shouldn't be used for murder"
Gaara was caught off guard. The whackjob had actually named the damn thing.
"you named it broken butterfly? Why the hell would you do that?"
"I heard it from a game once"
"well, I still need it!"
"Tough, its not going to be used for murder"
"oh come on, you shot Tobi with that thing! Don't act high and mighty"
"that doesn't count! Tobi deserved it! He dyed my hair pink when I fell asleep, he deserved that one"
Gaara really didn't care, he suddenly lunged for the gun, trying to grab it from Itachis hands.
"gimmie that gun dammit!"
"No! you might cause it to.."
BAAAAAM!
"AAAAAAAAAA!!!"
"saw that one coming" said Itachi
Lee was shot, he fell to the ground and started to squirt blood and tears.
"Sakura!" he yelled in pain
"Lee are you okay?" she said clutching him while he was writhing in pain
"Sakura……I…think I might be a goner…..Would you do me one last favor?"
"yes, what is it Lee?"
"I……want to…………. have sex with you right here…….So I don't die a virgin"
"what are you, Zelos?" said Sakura angrily, punching him in the head
"I'll have sex with you Lee!" yelled Gaara, climbing over the rows, desperate to reach his wuv muffin and have naughty yaoi fun.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" yelled Lee, who past out with fright with Gaaras words.
Meanwhile, in the row Akasuki was in, Itachi was assessing the situation.
"uhh, Kisame?"
"yeah Itachi?"
"Did, me and that Sand kid just shoot someone?"
"yeah, you just did"
"oh, than I should warn some people, they need to know Someones been shot!"
Itachi than fired another shot, resulting in another person yelling 'AAAAA!'
"uhh, Kisame?"
"yeah Itachi?"
"did I just shoot someone again?"
"yeah, you just did"
Itachi than fired another shot to warn more people about the person he just shot, but that just ended with him shooting Ino.
"uh, Kisame?"
"yeah Itachi?"
"Did I just Shoot someone again?"
"yeah, you kinda did"
"oh boy"
"yeah"
"does that make three now?"
"yeah, it kinda does"
"oh boy"
"yeah"
"Lets get the hell out of here"
"that's the best idea you've had yet"
And thus, Akasuki ditched the theater, leaving Lee, Ino, and the other wounded person to deal with their mortal wounds. Cause that's how Akasuki rolls.
Well, Thanksgivings over now, I'm back in school, and i've gotta crap load of homework. I miss my week off...
But, now Christmas is just around the corner! Yippie! its going to be great.
Oh, and by the way, KibaXKankuro is (in my opinon) the worst yaoi couple imaginable. My gf knows how much I hate the very thought of dog boy and Kabuki kid togather, it practically gives me nightmares (currently, the only nightmares I get are GaaraXLee ones). Freaky stuff.
Oh, and when you send your reviews, tell me which character bio is your favorite. Theres just so freakin many of them...
Until next time, I'll leave you with this thought
If you do one thousand years of pain on Orchimaru, does he regain health?
Thankupo!