Chapter 35

How to write porn

NOTE: This chapter follows a different format than all of those before this. This chapter, is being written in the view of konohas most famous and favorite slut, Tenten! So sit back, relax, and remember, this is only rated T (cause I don't know how to type M rated stuff).

Date, some time in december

Dear Diary

Ahhhh, it's a beautiful morning in the village of Leaves. Since it's a Saturday, we get theday off, which is handy for me, cause I was up late last night (Cenosred)ing everyone over at the (Censored). Anyway, my good buddy Lees been in the hospital since Thanksgiving, he was pretty badly hurt. Ino was hurt to, they left on the front steps for a few hours hoping that she would just die (they weren't that lucky. Anyway, as a get well gift, I sent Lee some naked pictures of me and a box of porn, when he got them, he freaked out, I'm not quite sure why…

Anyway, I got up, and decided to do my daily morning ritual of watching brand new porn. So I got up, went to my collection, and to my horror, I realized….

"Oh no! I've already seen all this porn"! Tenten said Shocked.

She was right, Tenten had already seen "Shaman Sluts 3" about 7 times, she had also viewed "bleach super bimbos" three times, and she had also watched "Naruto Yuri gone wild" more times than she could count.

Horrified, she ran over to her erotic novel section and looked through it, only to realize that she had read/reread/acted out all of them.

Tenten sat down in shock. This had never happened before, not once in her life. This was all old porn, and the fear of something creped through her slowly, THE PORN STORE WAS CLOSED ON SATURDAYS.

This brought a horrible thought to her head

Tenten, for the first time in her life, would have to go 24 hours without looking at some new porn. That would surely kill her….

Tenten started to hyperventilate, but than calmed herself down, what could she do? she had to think….and fast….

After much thinking, I thought of the most brilliant Idea ever! I'd create my own Pornographic novel! Its going to be easy, I'm already an expert on the subject, and I'm getting an A in sex ed (why is it called sex ed if you don't have sex in it? Very misleading, I brought all those condoms for nothing). The first thing I need to do is go around and get some perspective on this, so I went around, questioning people on this.

"okay, let me get this straight, your 14 years old, and you want to write a porn novel" Maes asked

"yup"

"and to do this, your going around, and asking people about their sex lives, so you can write about it"

"yup"

"and you want to know about my wife, right?"

"yup"

"okay, look, I have a question for you, were you dropped as a child or something?"

"nope"

"uh, well, than what the hell happened to you?"

"I just LOOOOOOOVVEEEEE sex, is that so wrong?!"

Maes started to wonder what they put in the water in konoha.

"So anyway" said Tenten, pulling out her piece of paper "I must know, this shape shifting genderless guy that tried to kill you, did you two do anything kinky?"

"what?!?! That son of a bitch tried to kill me!!!"

"I'm not real particular about these things" said Tenten "and what about you and this Elric kid, whats it like to have sex with a guy with a fake arm?"
Maes Hughes pulled one of his throwing knives out

"Get the hell out of my house"

Maes didn't really tell me anything at all. Kinda disappointing, I wanted to know how foreigners have sex. Oh well, my Next Conquest turned out differently.

"So, Mr. Asuma, I'd like to know about your relationship with Kurenai"

"Sure kid" Said Asuma.

That's right, Asuma had just returned to Konoha. He was on assignment for the entire duration of the recent events, and had just gotten back to Konoha recently.

"I heard you've been kinda sick recently" said Tenten

"oh yeah, totally" he said, leaning back "First there was the lung cancer, than the had to do surgery on my cancerous jaw, than I got the stoma, than I had to get my stoma fixed from me shoving M and M's down it."

"you look fine to me sir"

"Oh, you know it, Tsunades Dog performed the best surgery ever on me. Now I don't have a stoma and I'm fine. Except on the way back from my mission, that son of a bitch Hidan Stabbed my Heart with that scythe thingie"

"owie"

"you know it, but I walked it off"

"okay, enough with the dilly dallying, Asuma, whats you sexual relation with Kurenai like?"

"oh, well, I (censored) her"

"really?"

'Ohhhhhhhhh yeah" he said with a grin, taking a drag from his cig.

"how was it?"

"well" he said Grinning, "a gentleman doesn't tell tales after school"

I couldn't get any more than that, so I went straight to the source.

"did you have sex with Asuma miss Kurenai?"

"what? God no? what the hell has he been saying?" Kurenai responded, looking embarrassed "The farthest hes ever gone is him doing a Miroku impression asking me to bear his child"

Okay, so Asuma didn't tell the whole truth, I had to find some other sources, so I asked Kiba. I figured a guy that hangs out with animals all the time know how to 'do it like they do it on the discovery channel'. When I went to talk to Kiba, he seemed pretty normal.

"Hello Kiba, what can you tell me about your sex life?" asked Tenten

"Well, I lovesssssss me ssssssssome boyssssss" said Kiba, twitching slightly

"oh, so you like Yaoi sex" Said Tenten, writing this down

"No, I don't!" said Kiba, twitching again "I don't like boys, I like girls! Theres something in my heaadddddddd" he said in a whining/desperate voice

"SSSSSSShut up! I'm in charge of Thisssssss body!!!" said the 'other' Kiba

"what did I tell you about sharing Orchimaru? Don't make me sing the sharing song again!" said the 'real' Kiba

"That sssssssssongssss repulssssssssive, don't you dare"

Tenten was writing about Kiba and the Yaoi thing down, completely unaware that Kiba was having a conversation with himself.

"So, Kiba, your into Yaoi, who do you think in the village is good looking?" questioned Tenten

"I told you, I'm not gay! I'm incredibly attracted to SSSSSSSassssuke, he says no, but his eyes ssssssay take me"

Wow, how disturbing

Tenten started to scribble away furiously in her notebook. She had hit a goldmine, everyone knows yaoi crap is always a sure fire hit.

"so, who else?"

"No one! I'm not gay! Orchimaru is trying to control my body and I think that the Little Rock Lee boy would be oh sssssooo tassssssty…hehe AAAAAA! No! Tenten, Please, you've gotta save me!" he said, lunging at Tenten and trying to get her attention

"oh, Kiba, if you wanna have sex with me, lets not do it here in public, I am a lady after all, we can do it in the men's room."

"what?"

"Nothing"

Wow, I never knew that Kiba was gay. But what I don't get is, how he can talk like that snake guy. Oh well, maybe hes just weird like that. Speaking of the snake guy, I decided to visit his little buddy, you know, the Sasgay guy, or was it Sasuke? I'll ask him that.

Tenten was at the Uchia place where the slaughter of the Uchias took place many years ago. She came looking for Sasuke, and found him. For some odd reason, Sasuke was in front of his house, leaning back on a chair, playing a banjo and singing a song.

"Now it's a job that just suits me
A window cleaner you would be
If you can see what I can see
When I'm cleanin' windows" Sasuke sang, playing the banjo the entire time

"excuse me, Sasuke, can I talk to you?" asked Tenten, trying to get his attention

"Honeymoonin' couples too
You should see them bill 'n coo
You'd be surprised at things they do
When I'm cleanin' windows" he continued, completely unaware that he had an audience.

"excuse me, but I'm writing a dirty novel, and I need to know how your sex life with Orchi was like…."

"The blushin' bride, she looks divine
The bridegroom he is doin' fine
I'd rather have his job than mine
When I'm cleanin' windows" he went on

Tenten sighed, Sasuke was so wrapped up in his dirty window wiping song he didn't even see or hear her. So Tenten unbuttoned her shirt and began to sneak up on him…

"The chambermaids' sweet names I call
It's a wonder I don't fall
My mind's not on my work at all
When I'm AAAAA!!!!"

Tenten had shoved her ample, umm, bosoms into Sasukes face, promptly getting his attention and almost sending him into cardiac arrest due to shock.

"AAAAAAA!" Sasuke fell over, breaking his banjo and the chair he was on.

"oh, good, I have your attention now" said Tenten, pulling out her notebook.

"YOU CRAZY BITCH! YOU BROKE MY BANJO AND oh crap!" Sasuke hid the banjo behind his back. If word of this got out he'd be branded a hick Ninja. "How much did you see?"

"Just you singing a dirty song"

Sasuke swore to himself, Tentens mouth was as big as her (censored, you get the idea). He knew he was in trouble.

"well, what do you want girl?"

"I just wanna know how your sex life was with Orchimaru, was it hot? Kinky? Did Kabuto join in?"

Upon hearing her ask these, Sasuke started to vomit merely at how disgusting the thought of him and Orchi. After he was done throwing up, he responded

"GOD NO!"

"are you sure?"

"YES! I did NOT have sex with Orchi!"

"Uh huh, so you were saving it for after marriage with him?"

"NO! I would never have sex with that freakin creep! Not in a thousand years!"

"darn"

"its not like he didn't try though, Every time I went out on assignment and came back, some of my underware was missing from my drawers. Not to mention he makes all his ninjas use a public shower. that was creepy"

"Uh huh" Tenten started to scribble away about Sasukes disturbing training

"the worst part was, one night, I woke up to go to the bathroom, and for some reason, Kabuto was sleeping in my bed next to me"

"Hey, that sounds Kinky!"

"Not for me" Sasuke responded, disgusted "he wasn't wearing pants. Why cant I just live my life without going through all these traumas? Seriously, first my (insert 15 word sling of swear words) brother freakin kills everyone, than I get tied up with Orchimaru and his band of freaks, than I get back to Konoha and Rock Lee tries to snuggle with me (insert shiver). I seriously hate this town, and huh?"

Sasuke looked around, Tenten had already left.

"Soooo weird…" Sasuke muttered to himself

Wow, Sasukes pretty nice guy. First he gives me a new dirty song to sing, than he tells me about how him and Kabuto slept together naked in the same bed. He really helped me out. The nex person on my list was a pretty hard person to interview, but I tried anyway.

"So, how are you, Mr. ummm, Mog?"

"Kupo! Kupopo!" said Mog

Tenten had somehow tracked down mog, and they were currently inside the ramen shop conducting the interview.

"that's great to know" she said, pulling out her pen and paper "anyway, whats a sex life for a moogle like?"

"Kupopo! Kupo kupo pop ku kupo! Ku (censored for using incredibly vulgar words in mooglese) Kupo!"

"wow, that's the kinkiest thing I heard in a while" said Tenten writing it down

"Kupo!"

Even though Tenten had no idea what he just said, she guessed it was something hot and wrote it down.

"so lets see, you use a combination of peanut butter and whipped cream! Very interesting."

"Kupo?" said mog, confused at where the heck she got those

"yeah, its really kinky, nice going moogle"

"Kupo kupo! Kupooooooooo!"

"huh? I cant understand you, WHAT ELSE DO YOU DO?"

Mog realized at this point that Tenten couldn't understand him. He sighed than gave her a message she was sure to understand, than walked away.

"HEY" yelled Tenten, pointing at Mog as he walked away "that moogle just gave me the bird!"

How rude. All I wanted to know how moogles churn each others butter, and he gets all offended for some reason. Must be a moogle thing.

Oh well.

After Mog left, the guy whos name I forget walked in. You know, the guy who is dating the chick from the party that attacked me.

I think his name was Chicagomaru, or chicamu, oh, Shikamaru, that's it.

"So, Chicagomaru…." Said Tenten, pulling out her notes

"Shikamaru" he said, annoyed, taking a sip of Root beer

"Super, anyway, lets talk about you sex life, honestly, whats it like (censored) to censor the mean chick"

Shikamaru was so surprised by what she asked he spat out his drink. Don't worry, he didn't hit Tenten, he hit Ino in the back of the head, who was in the booth behind Tenten.

"Why the hell do you wanna know?" said Shika, shocked and embarrassed

"cause I'm doing some writing, anyway, is it kinky, do you have handcuffs and rope and stuff?"
"Ewwww, where would you get that idea?"

"Cause shes always bossing you around, and putting you on leashes and stuff"

Shikamaru started to turn red, and bang his head against the table. Did everyone in the village think the same thing? If they did, Shikamaru would never be able to live it down. He lifted his head up and answered, quite embarrassed by what he was going to say.

"uhh, I don't know quite how to say this….but….."

"what?" said Tenten, quite eager to hear what he had to say

"I'm, a" Shikamaru said something else, but he mumbled off

"A what?"

"I'm, a virgin"

"whats that?"

Not surprising.

"you don't know what a virgin is?" asked Shika, surprised by how big of a slut she was

"nope"

"Okay, me and Temari have not have sex. A virgin is a person who hasn't had sex, and that's me!"

Shikamaru looked quite embarrassed when he said this. It didn't help that Tenten got giggly when she heard the news.

"Oh my god"

Shika looked really annoyed that she seemed to find this funny.

"oh my god, hehehee, how long have you two been going out?"

"about, ten or eleven months" he said, looking the other way

"oh geez, and you haven't had sex with her? Oh geez, I've gotta say this, chicagomaru, that's just sad."

"no its not"

"yeah it is, you're a disgrace to men"

"are you going to keep insulting me until I leave or what?"

"no, I just wanna know, why haven't you put the moves on her yet?"

"she scares the ever loving hell out of me, you've seen her"

"oh, good point" said Tenten, packing up her stuff "thank you for your cooperation today, good luck with getting (censored)ed."

"yeah, whatever"

That was an interesting conversation, I learned what a virgin is, and that Shikamarus never had sex with Temari (10 months, that's sad). Also, after he left the shop, Temari attacked him, yelling something about him talking to the sluty whore.

I wonder who that whore was, I didn't see anyone whorish in the Ramen shop.

Whatever.

Oh, and I've written my porn novel. So, here mr. Journal, is my very own, and first, dirty novel.

The ultimate porno novel extraordinaire super happy pie fun sexy time of yummyness fun happiness!

Written by Tenten

Note from the author. Due to the incredibly graphic (and detailed) manner of Tentens novel, it will not be shown here. Instead of thinking about sex, you will think about puppies.

PUPPIES!

But, if you wish to still read Tentens erotic novel, run, don't walk to your local borders and pick up your very own copy of "The ultimate porno novel extraordinaire super happy pie fun sexy time of yummyness fun happiness!".

Wasn't that jus the coolest thing you ever read ever? Man, this is so cool, I think I might start a series. It'll be like Make out paradise!

Yup, Tentens very own chapter. I figured that everyone loved the antics of Konohas most famous slut. On a side note, this was probably the hardest chapter for me to write. To be quite honest, its very hard for me to write the perverted stuff that Tenten talks about. It seriously is, I'm not very educated in the subject of pervness (My GF is).

Oh, its CHRISTMAS TIME! I freakin love this time of year. The snow (Chicago area gets a crapload of that), the presents, the family, the presents, the christmas spirt, and the presents. But, this year were having finals before Christmas break, so I will have very few oppertunities to write. and as soon as I'm done with Finals, I'm going straight to Arizona to visit my relatives (Scottsdale kicks ass). Anyway, I dont know if my Aunts computor is going to allow me to update at all, so I might not get a chance to update there ethier.

Oh well

Oh, something else. Everyone knows Shika and Temari are a couple, but I've never seen any kind of proof of that. None of the Naruto fan sites even say anything about it. The only reason I know is because my GF told me. Just thought I should mention that.

And once again, another thought.

"why does only one member of the Sound four use sound?"

Thankupo!