The Doctor appeared not to have heard Rose's question, standing up excitedly as the two aliens entered the cell. He pulled his glasses from his hair and went to put them on, before pulling them back off in disgust. "They're all dirty!" he whinged. He looked around for some place to clean them and, finding nothing, put them back on top of his hair with an air of put-upon impatience.
Rose, having stood and joined the Doctor in facing the aliens, leaned in and whispered, "That's what you get for putting so much pomade in your hair." She stood back with a smirk and looked with interest at their solicitor.
"We have come to speak with you about your case," the spokesalien announced blandly. "This is your Solicitor—you can call him 'Solicitor.'" Their legal counsel stepped into the room and inclined his head. Seeing the Doctor return the gesture, Rose followed suit. "He will ascertain your motive in determining to the break the law. You will go before the magistrate in one iiioseguudn." With that, the spokesalien stepped back out of the room; the door slid silently shut behind him.
"Er, what's an eeee….eeeoooo…" Rose once again leaned in to whisper to the Doctor.
"Iiioseguudn. About, oh, fifteen minutes earth standard, I should think?" The Doctor looked up, as if to check the path of the sun; he blinked in surprise when his eyes were greeted by the grey ceiling instead of the sky, and looked back down at Rose. She was so close their noses were practically touching, and he was briefly distracted by the feel of her warm body pressed against his. Why did she have to lean against him to whisper in his ear? Didn't she know how distracting that was? He was pulled back to the present by her next words.
"Oh. Shouldn't you and our solicitor get cracking on our case, then?"
"Right. Right! I'll just speak with…with Mr. Solicitor." The Doctor turned his gaze towards the alien in question, and took a step forward. "Solicitor?"
The be-robed alien had been watching their exchange with an air of boredom; Rose assumed he was rather like the counsel appointed to defend indigent defendants, and as such probably saw a little bit of everything in his job. As the Doctor and the Solicitor began to discuss the points of the case—it seemed the Doctor's brilliant get out of jail free card was simply "I'm an off-worlder!"—Rose found herself wondering. Did the Solicitor choose this job? How long was law school? How old was the solicitor? Most importantly, where had the robe and peruke come from? Surely those didn't persist for hundreds of thousands of years? What a legacy. She'd never been intimately involved in the court system herself, but growing up on the estate meant she had heard enough about the process to have a rough idea of how things would work—that was, assuming the rest of the legal system mirrored the British one. Did these aliens have a special attorney for the aliens—the people from off planet? Was it a coveted job? Did—
"Rose?" That tone of voice from the Doctor. The one that bordered close to 'Silly ape, I've been looking for you all over the place.'
"Yes, Doctor?"
"Have you anything to add? Time's almost up."
"Oh, er…" She looked at the Doctor blankly; her inattentiveness to the conversation he'd been having meant that she'd lost the plot.
"About why you licked the wall?" He seemed to be trying to convey something through his expression, his eyes intently boring into hers. What on earth was he trying to tell her?
"Oh! That. Wall. Right. Simple, really." She paused, then barrelled on—the truth was the only way to go. "They were takin' you away, unconscious, maybe dead. And they weren't telling me anything. Was the only way to stay with you, make sure you were all right. I couldn't leave you alone, could I?" She cringed at the slightly defensive note in her voice, and looked down at her feet.
"Rose." Ah, now that tone of voice she definitely knew. It was rare and precious to her—the gentle note to his voice always made her feel warm, her stomach and heart clenching at the depth of feeling he put into the pronunciation of her name. She slowly raised her eyes to meet his, and caught her breath at the intensity in his eyes. As she looked at him, he replied softly, "Of course you couldn't." Like a switch, his mood changed as he turned back to face their solicitor. "Could she? If the constabulary had been so good as to explain to her what was going on, then she wouldn't be in the dock with me! And if they had thought to ask me what I was doing instead of shooting me, we wouldn't be in this mess at all." The Doctor beamed, sure that his explanation would be all that was necessary.
The Solicitor looked unconvinced. Rose hoped it was down to the aliens' faces just not being expressive, as opposed to being an opinion of their potential for success.
"Have you anything else to say?" the alien asked, tonelessly.
"Oh, I have plenty more to say! Could talk for the universe, I could! Why is it that—oof! Rose!" Rose had elbowed him, deciding that this might have been one of the worst times ever to let his ADHD run away with him.
"I think he meant in our defence, Doctor. I don't have anything else to add. Do you?"
The Doctor, pout on his face, turned from Rose back to the Solicitor. "I can't think of anything, no. What do we need to do?"
The Solicitor gave them a litany of instructions; all of them basically boiled down to "Stand in the Dock. Say nothing. Do not expose your tongue." Rose thought those might have been the easiest instructions she'd ever received before going on trial on an alien planet, but she worried about the Doctor's ability to follow such simple guidance.
As the Solicitor concluded, the door slid open to reveal, once again, the spokesalien. "You will come with us."
As the Doctor and Rose linked hands and followed the aliens, she leaned over to him. "You will be able to follow those instructions, right?"
"Of course I will!"
"No, I mean it. I'm bloody sick of wearing nothing but my trainers and freezing to death." The Doctor looked her up and down, causing her to suddenly forget the cold. He licked his lips and made to speak, but was interrupted by Rose. "Don't expose your tongue!" She leaned in once again, and whispered, "If you can hold your tongue here, I promise you can do whatever you like with it back in the TARDIS."
The Doctor's jaw dropped. Rose hoped it was a good enough bribe to keep him quiet; it was the last thing she was able to say before they were escorted, single file, into the Dock to stand trial.
The room was enormous. Rose was not sure what she had expected it to look like but it was very long, with a very high ceiling, and all of it constructed of that ridiculous mineral that she was coming to despise. And the place was packed full of aliens, in several tiers of seating, all talking in a cacophony of chatter. Rose's eyes widened, because most of them had now focused to look with interest at her and the Doctor, still stark naked save for ridiculous trainers, and she blushed and stepped a bit closer to him. The Doctor's hand once again found hers and squeezed, almost automatically, which helped a bit.
"Doctor," she said, very, very softly, leaning into him a bit so her whisper would carry.
He made a humming noise of response in his throat, frowning murderously at a few aliens who he thought were gazing at Rose in a particularly lecherous manner.
"What happens now?"
"Not sure," he responded, keeping his voice low and his eyes on the aliens. "Probably said on the form, but, as you know, I didn't get to read the form, did I?"
"What're we going to do if they don't let us out?" she whispered.
He looked down at her, surprised, as if the thought had never even occurred to him. He lifted a shoulder in a negligent shrug. "We…run. Still got our trainers, don't we? And you and I, we are bloody good runners." He smiled at her in a reassuring manner.
"Your brilliant plan of escape is for us to just leg it?"
"Isn't it always?"
Rose considered and decided that was true. She glanced back at the alien audience, feeling very, very naked. This whole experience was slightly dreamlike. Any moment now, she thought, she'd wake up in the Doctor's bed, and he would be reading next to her, glasses perched on the end of his nose. He'd smile at her, and she'd say, I had the strangest dream. We were naked. And he'd reply, waggling his eyebrows, We are naked. No, no she'd correct him. Naked in an alien courtroom.Tell me more, Rose Tyler he'd say, tossing the book off the bed, and she'd giggle as he'd playfully roll on top of her--
"What in bloody hell are you thinking about?" the object of her fantasy hissed at her, sounding furious.
She blinked. Nope, still back in the alien courtroom, still being stared at and ogled and pointed at. She looked up at the Doctor. "Nothing," she said, quickly. "Why?"
"Because if you don't stop smiling like that, you're going to cause a bloody riot," he fumed, glaring at more aliens.
She chuckled. "Was I smiling? I was thinking of you."
"That's nice," he said. "Stop."
She didn't get to reply because an alien clambered to the top of a pedestal across from the dock. The alien crowd went instantly silent, watching. This alien was also decked out in a wig and robe, and Rose was once again struck by the outfit. She would have to ask the Doctor about it when they were free and clothed again. Or free and unclothed, as long as it was unclothed by choice. The alien raised a hand, and everyone instantly launched into some recitation that sounded to Rose like a pledge of some sort. The Doctor was plainly fascinated. He leaned forward a bit to catch every word.
The pledge over, the judge turned to the dock. "Solicitor!" he/she/it thundered in the otherwise silent courtroom. "What do your clients stand here accused of?"
"Public display of tongue," the Solicitor shouted up.
There was an audible gasp in the room. Rose frowned. What sort of society was perfectly okay with making you stand in front of them, everything but the feet out on display, but couldn't handle a bit of tongue?
"Public display of tongue?" thundered the judge alien, as if even he could not believe it.
The Doctor scowled and made a bit of a noise, as if offended. Rose elbowed him again. Liberal application of elbow to ribs was recommended when dealing with a Time Lord.
"What is their defence?" demanded the judge, as if he could not imagine that they could offer any defence at all.
"Well." Their solicitor sounded sceptical of their defence as well. Rose glared at him. "They are off-worlders. As you can…see." He gestured at them with a bit of distaste.
All of the aliens accepted the invitation and once again stared at Rose and the Doctor.
"What worlds are they from?" asked the judge alien.
"They claim to be from…Fromp." The Solicitor didn't sound as if he believed that, either.
Rose, eyebrows drawn together, glanced at the Doctor. His face was the mask of innocence that it never was unless he was guilty of something.
"Fromp, eh?" The judge alien looked at the Doctor and Rose. "Fromp?" he shouted, as if he thought they were hard-of-hearing.
"You can respond," the Solicitor sighed before taking a step back.
"Yes, Fromp," the Doctor answered, plainly thrilled to be speaking again. "Just a quick little jaunt, didn't know about the tongue thing, we'll be on our way—"
"Yellow Frompian!" thundered the judge alien.
Rose blinked. "Me?"
"Please explain the public display of tongue."
"Well, you see—" the Doctor began.
"I said the yellow Frompian!" the judge alien roared.
Rose elbowed the Doctor again. "It was silly, your…honour?" she guessed at the proper form of address. "He has a very advanced sense of taste, you see, and he was just admiring the walls of your buildings, and I was just—"
"What else," interrupted the judge alien, "does he do with his tongue?" Out of the corner of her eye, Rose saw their solicitor take another step back.
"Well, he—he licks everything. You shouldn't take it personally. He's really very rude. I keep trying to tell him that he just can't—"
"Does he lick you?" asked the judge alien.
Rose's eyes widened. "I'm sorry?"
"What does he do with his tongue on you?" the judge alien persisted.
Was this a joke? Rose could feel the blush, and was well aware that everyone knew it was a full-body blush.
And the judge alien seemed to think that was answer enough. "Do you have a permit for that?" he demanded of the Doctor.
"Uh, for what?" asked the Doctor.
"For the things you do to her with your tongue."
The Doctor tugged on his earlobe. "Welllll, I didn't know I needed a…permit for…Look, nothing's been done with my tongue and her…I mean, I haven't really…Not on this planet," he stated, finally, firmly. "Nothing's happened on this planet."
The judge alien looked triumphant. "You licked her in the cell, sir!" he exclaimed, and there was an appreciative roar from the audience.
"Oh, bloody hell," mumbled the Doctor.
"I'm so gonna kill you," said Rose.
The roar of the crowd made it impossible to reply for a few moments, the residents of the planet aghast at the actions of the Doctor. Rose began to look around the room for exits; the grey mineral (she really, really hated grey) made it almost impossible to spot doors, but she thought perhaps she might be able to find some pathways that would lead to potential doors. The Doctor appeared to be regrouping and had once more donned his now horribly-smudged glasses.
"Silence!" The judge finally bellowed; Rose jumped, and the crowd immediately ceased their chatter. He turned to the Doctor. "Do you have any justification for this action?"
"A justification? Of course I have a justification for this action! If you'd only asked, I would have told it to you earlier. Only slipped my mind because, well, you were asking if I… you know …her in a…"The judge quivered in anger, and the room was filled with anticipatory twitters. "Well, in that way. And, well, I haven't on this planet. Yes, I've…you know…her. But I was just checking to make sure she was well!" The twitters began to subside, although a sceptical chuckle or two could be heard. Rose had the feeling this was devolving into a Monty Python sketch, and fully expected the Doctor to out with "wink wink, nudge nudge" as he carried on.
"You will explain this." Disbelief was patent in the judge's voice, despite his/her/its lack of emotion. On the positive side, at least he/she/it had stopped quivering.
"You see, I wasn't quite sure how she'd be, first time on the planet and all. Well, first time anywhere but Fromp, come to that." The Doctor leaned forward and stage-whispered conspiratorially. "Bit of a rookie traveller, you know how they get." Rose was going to kill him when they got out of this. Kill him until he regenerated, the attractiveness of this version not withstanding. "Nothing against your fine sentries, but I didn't know if she'd got into anything…untoward…while I was out cold, and she seemed so wound up when we were being processed. I was worried. She's usually such a quiet and demure thing, following direction, asking how high when I say jump, not saying boo to anyone, that I thought for sure something must have happened to her. I thought she might calm down once we'd been left alone, but she kept at it, all high strung and questioning and not letting me think despite my clearly telling her to leave me alone…" He turned in Rose's direction; his eyes grew wide at her angry look, and he turned back to face the judge.
Oh, she was going to kill his next regeneration, too.
"Right. Uncharacteristic. So. Without our usual technology, the fastest way to determine whether she was herself was to, well…" The Doctor looked around, unsure. The room was starting to rumble again at the implication that he licked her. Willingly. "Well, I, er. You know." He refrained from miming the action, but only just. The judge began to quiver again. "Right on her jugular vein. Best place, you know, last tunnel before the superior vena cava and then bang Into the right atrium! Had to go for a vein to see how her body was processing things." He once again stage-whispered the last, as though afraid of Rose hearing.
If nothing else, the Doctor appeared to have stunned the room into silence. The Doctor bounced on the balls of his feet, while Rose counted to a thousand so she would not kill the Doctor immediately. She was up to two hundred and thirteen by the time the judge replied to the Doctor's blatant lies.
"You were concerned about your companion's welfare?" He sounded unconvinced.
"I was. I am." The Doctor's voice was low and sincere. Rose lost count.
"I have not heard of this ability in Frompians."
"Well, it's a new thing. You know how evolution goes, some folks get it, some folks don't, never quite sure when it will manifest itself in the general population. Tricky thing, genetics. And then you have to find a compatible mate…" He reached down and clasped her hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. Rose flushed with heat; she fervently hoped nobody would notice her blushing anew, that she was still pink from being exposed to public scrutiny in the most embarrassing of ways.
The judge appeared to consider the information. The Solicitor—who had been dead useless—slowly scooted forward, clearly expecting a ruling. Rose tried to keep her eyes forward and her attention focused on the room in the event a quick getaway was needed. She would not be distracted by what the Doctor had said, by his closeness…She felt him squeeze her hand again, gently, and she looked up to find him looking down at her with a small smile, and deep warmth in his eyes behind the filthy lenses of his glasses. She gave him a small smile back. Everything would be fine.
The judge pounded his/her/its gavel, and the room fell into silence. This was it, then.