Chapter 37

A hole in the story

It was the middle of the night, team one was resting on a hill top that overlooked the vast forests of the land of fire. There were four tents set up. One contained the team leader, Shino, the second contained Kiba, cause no one wanted to share a tent with him. The third contained Hinata and Tenten, with Tenten constantly trying to have a little 'sleeping bag fun'. The only two awake were Kimimaru and Rock Lee. They were both outside their tents, meandering around. Kimimaru was sitting down, staring at the beautiful full moon, while drinking some of his 'battle medicine'. Rock Lee sat down next to him, and started to stare at the moon too. After a minute he turned and asked him a question.

"hey Kimimaru?"

"yeah Lee?"

"Why are we here?"

Kimi leaned back, and continued to stare at the moon.

"that's a question man has been asking for a long, long time. Are we here because all of this is predestined and were all just tiny cogs in a big machine? Or are the result of billions of years of evolution and trial and error? Is there really a god that is looking out for us, or is god an image fabricated by foolish humans, afraid of the unknown? Are there secrets of life and the world we haven't discovered or will never understand? Will humans ever learn the difference between good and evil? I don't know, I've been pondering that for a long time too….."

Rock Lee blinked a couple of times, trying to comprehend Kimimarus answer. Than he responded.

"what?"

"didn't you hear me?" asked Kimimaru

"well yeah, but, you misunderstood my question, what I was asking is, why are we out here on guard duty, while the other guys get to sleep?"

"oh, well, I guess its because its our turn for guard duty"

"right, that makes sense, I guess. But what the hell was all that stuff about evolution and destiny?"

"uhhhhhhhh, nothing"

"umm, is there something you wanna talk about"

"not really" said Kimi

"cause the questions on life I want answered is, how come were on this hill, in the middle of nowhere, looking for a sugar high derelict teacher, when we could be training or finding Haku and Tobi?"

"I don't know, maybe the fifths been abusing morphine again"

"and that's another question I have, how come they sent Iruka-sensei to a rehab center for his root beer addiction, but not Tsunade for her beer addiction? Cause seriously, when she operated on me for my gunshot wound (courtesy of Itachi) she was already on her 7th beer"

"so?"

"it was freakin 10 in the morning!"

"okay, maybe she does have a problem, but look at you, its obvious that she did a good job, right?"

"not really, I think she damaged some of my nerves" Lee said, looking at his hands

"what do you mean?"

"well, every time I try to move my right pinky finger, I get an erection"

Albeit that was pretty disgusting, considering that he IS wearing a skin tight jumpsuit (reveals everything), Kimi couldn't resist a joke.

"don't you mean a boner?"

"AAAAAAA!!!!" screamed Rock Lee, sick of Kimimaru and his boner jokes

"besides Lee, shes got the drunken fist talent for surgery. You should be quite aware of what someone can do drunk"

"if your talking about what happened at the final fantasy musical, that was a freak isolated accident."

"what about the time you got drunk and we found you naked and handcuffed to a chocobo?"

"Shut up!"

Rock Lee swung his hand to hit Kimimaru. Halfway through the swing, he stopped and looked down at his pants.

"oh no, I moved my pinky….."

The Next Night

Once again, It was night time, and two saps were stuck outside on guard duty. It had been a strenuous day for the nins, first they encountered a blue haired man in a skimpy t-shirt and handcuffs (tenten liked that guy) who claimed he was looking for Zelos. The next guy they came across was Zabuza. The guy looked terrible, like a pack of Moogles tore into him (to find out what this means, check the miniseries).

Anyway, tonight, everyone was asleep except for the 2 nins on guard duty. Tonight, it was the fearless leader Shino, and the shameless slut Tenten. Shino was trying to meditate while Tenten (on a suger high) was going bonkers.

"hey hey hey hey hey hey hey Shino!" Tenten said, jumping up and down, trying to get his attention "try to guess how much Mountain dew I drank!!!!"

Shino ignored her and went back to meditating. Unfortunately for him, Tenten didn't give up.

"come on Shino" she whined giving shino a hug "I'm bored, your boring, lets just get right to the part where we have hot kinky sex"

Shino ignored this comment too. He had lots of hunnies back at Konoha, not this Minnie mouse panda slut.

"come on! Come on come on come on come on come on come on! Lets do it!" she whined, shaking Shino Left and right, trying to get his attention

Shino finally snapped out of his meditation, he turned his head, looked right into Tenten eyes and said his answer.

"no"

"wahhhhhhhhhhhh! Shino! You don't care about me, do you?" Tenten said, crying

"nice try, that ones not going to work on me" said Shino, going back to meditation

Tenten layed down on the grass frustrated. Shino sure didn't wanna have sex with her. She decided to annoy him until he caved and he would start to (censored) her.

"Heyyyyyyyyyy Shinoooooooooooo" she said

"yeah?"

"do you like high school musical?"

"no, it's an inaccurate depiction of high school and a cultural disaster"

"no its not! Its super cool! In fact, its sooooooo cool, that I think I'll start singing it!"

Shino turned his head. She couldn't be serious about that, could she?

Tenten started to sing at the top of her lungs.

"Its hard to believe, that I couldn't see,
that you were always right beside me"

Shino covered his ears. Tenten responded by singing louder.

"thought I was alone, with no one to hold
But you were always right beside me"

As Tenten continued her singing, it continued to grow more and more warbly, so it eventually became SOO bad, It sounded like Akamaru on helium and crack.

"This feelings like no other, I WANT YOU TO KNOW!!!!
I've never had someone, who knows me like you do,
The way you, ow!"

Shino had gotten up and hit Tenten in the back of the head.

"if you don't shut up right now, I swear to god I'll set you on fire"

And The next night

That's right; Shinos team had made their way out of Konoha. They had made their way to the land of yellow submarines (you know, in the sea of green). The night guard for their first night in the land of yellow submarines was Kiba and Hinata, who were rapt in a intelligent discussion.

"Well Kiba, I don't think your right" Hinata said to Kiba "when I am reading a fanfic, I think the author shouldn't post information about themself at the end of a chapter"

"Why not Hinata? They wrote the fanfic, they should have every right too!"

"That's what I think Kiba" she said, blushing a little

"Why?"

"Well, there are a few reasons, number one, the people read the fanfic for the actual story, not the author. If they wanted to know about the author, theyd go to his page, or read their blog. Secondly, I think that sometimes the author might ruin upcoming events in their story by mentioning them at the end of a chapter. And finally, I believe that most of what they post isn't even interesting."

"You really don't?"

"No, often times its just stuff they think is interesting, but really isn't, and theres nothing worse than an author that does nothing but make bad excuses for not posting often enough"

"Hmm, I hear you opinion, and even though it is different than mine, I respect it." Suddenly, Kiba twitched a little, and said "Like Hell I do, I will rip out your heart and usssssse it asssssssss a bicycle pump, muhwahhahhahaha!"

"What was that Kiba?" asked Hinata

Kiba twitched again, and than smiled

"Nothing, anyway, I think Authors should say that after a fanfic"

"Why do you believe that?"

"these authors have the right to do anything they want with their stories, if they want them to rant about the panama canal being built in 1942, that's their right. If they wanna make stories with lame plot twists like someone taking a magic potion, and someone from Amestis taking their place, that's their right. Or inventing fake diseases, like badenglishdubious syndrome. And sometimes the author thinks that the people reading his work would like to know a bit about the person behind the fic"

"hmmmm, you make a good point Kiba"

"yesssssssss, I love it when the author dragsssssssssss on at the end, not only doessssssss it dissssssssssappoint the people reading, It can be usssssssssed to ssssssssssend them to Chaossssss! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I alssssssso like knowing if the persssssssson writing the fanfic is a sssssssssssstrong, healthy boy, HAHAHA!"

Needless to say, that last sentence freaked Hinata out. Upon saying that, Kiba twitched again, and covered his mouth in horror!

"uhhhhhhh, Kiba" Hinata stammered "I have a question for you, are, ummm, you gay?"

"Of course not Hinata" Kiba said Frantically "I'm fine, great! I love boobs! Its just that, I think that Orchimaru has taken over my bod….Heart! Yessssssssss, I think that Orchimaru is the hottesssssst man alive. I would jussssst love for that fifty year old man to get into my pants…AAAAAA see? It did it again!" He said Frantically

Hinata started to inch away from kiba, who was starting to sweat profusely.

"no Hinata, I'm possessed! I'm not really gay! I seriously love girls and boobies! I love your boobies! You've just gotta believe me!"

Wow, Kiba knows how to make a bad situation worse.

"Uh, Kiba" said Hinata, edging away "I need to, ummmm, not be here" Hinata took off like a shot, leaving Kiba alone and frustrated.

"you know other me, you don't really have to chime into my life like that. Ohhhhhh, but I mussssssst, and with your, ssssssucculent young body, I can get all the young boy booty I want! No! I'm not going to allow that!" Kiba stood up and started to shake his fist to the sky "I will prove to everyone I am not gay, and I do not miss Akamaru! I will do it, just you see!" he yelled

Meanwhile, Rock Lee had gotten out of his tent to go to the bathroom and saw Kibas little monologue. He shook his head and said.

"that guy seriously needs to stop eating the pills he finds on the ground"

The next night

It was the last night before they reached the destined area. The next day, they would reach the location of the AWOL teacher and bring him back.

That night, once again, Kimimaru and Rock Lee were on guard duty again. They were both laying on the grass, and staring into the stars. Kimimaru was sipping some of his 'super' medicine, when suddenly Rock Lee had a question.

"hey Kimi?"

"yeah?" he responded

"theres this question that's been buggin me for a while. Can I ask you it?"

"For the billionth time!" Kimimaru said Angrily "I'm NOT GAY! I just like hangin out with pedopiles, and going topless, and painting my nails, and broadway. None of those things make a person gay. Geez…."

"no, its not that"

"oh, what is it than?"

"its about Neji" Rock Lee said, Looking up at the stars "you know for the longest time, he said that everything was predestined? And that all are lives are planned?"

"yeah"

"Than Naruto made him see that nothing is predestined like that, and you can challenge fate"

"yeah so? Whats the question?"

"what if it was Narutos fate to challenge fate?"

"that's what you call a royal screw over" Said Kimi, opening up another container of 'medicine' "Life finds funny ways to screw us all over like that. Naruto was born retarded. Sakura was born bitchy. Hinata is a complete ditz. Tenten was born perpetually horny. I was freakin born with an undisclosed disease that's going to kill me. And Sasuke, well, he was born fine, but his asshole brother went and killed his whole family and royally messed him up to the point where hes okay with being the lapdog of a demented snake pedophile."

"what about Itachi? He wasn't messed up in any way"

"hes blind"

"oh yeah, duh"

"yeah"

The next day

11:45 A.M.

Outside Mt. Baku

The nins were finally at their destination. According to the info Tsunade got, Iruka was somewhere on this mountain. Mt. Baku was a foreboding mountain. Covered in plants and shrubbery in some areas, and nothing but gravel in others. Due to its poor traction, it was hard to move up the slope.

Shino started out in front, with his team of faithful nins following shortly behind him. As he moved up, he scanned the side of the mountain, looking for possible hiding spots. As he looked up, he felt the odd feeling that he had felt since he arrived on this mountain, that something was wrong. Shinos Ninja sixth sense was going like crazy, indicating him to something was coming up. Shino decided it was best to press on till he found further evidence something was wrong.

As he was scanning, he noticed something up ahead.

"just a second" he said, Moving forward to take a look at said object "found it" he said

"found what Shino?" asked Hinata, walking next to him

"this"

Shino moved the shrubbery aside and revealed a hole in the side of the mountain, which revealed a long winding cave. It was disguised in a way that made it very difficult to find if you didn't pay close attention.

"hes, in there?" asked Lee, pointing inside

"probably" said Shino

"are we going in?" asked Kimi

"yeah"
"oh boy!" said Tenten, jumping up and down "I just love holes! Theres just something About them that's just so appealing to me!"

Everyone ignored Tenten and climbed into the cave.

"why does everyone keep doing that?" She said, pouting. Tenten sat down on the ground "I'm not going in there till you guys admit that you like holes as much as I do! Hmmph!" Tenten sat crosslegged, with her back to the cave "hehe, holes, they're so much fun to explore, and to go in and out of, and to stick hmm?"

Tenten looked down the hill, there was something coming up the side. Tenten leaned forward and squinted. It was a ninja of some kind, but she couldn't make out who.

"Hello down there!" she yelled "wanna explore my hole with me?"

Inside the hole

"whew! What the hell is that smell?" asked Kimi as they walked through the cave "it smells like death wrapped in moldy bacon!"

"smells like Naruto after he ate the chili ramen with the rotten egg" said Rock Lee, who was starting to turn as green as his outfit after inhaling the rank smell.

Hinatas face was turning bright red, as if she was afraid to breathe, or complain about breathing. Kiba, with his incredibly sensitive nose, was on the verge of passing out.

"we must keep moving on" said Shino, who ignored the smell and kept moving forward.

As the group moved forward, the cave started to get darker and darker. Their feet started to make a clinking noise as they moved.

"whats on the ground?" asked Kiba

"probably the skulls of his victims" said Rock Lee

Upon hearing that, Hinata yelped.

"he probably devoured them, then used what was left of them for forbidden jutsus"

"No, your wrong" said Shino

"what makes you think so?" Rock Lee asked

"were talking about Iruka here, the things littering the ground aren't bones, their root beer bottles"

Hinata bent down and picked up a few bottles, looking at the labels, she started to read them out "A and W, Mug, barqs Old time root beer, IBC, Dads root beer, Sassafras root beer, Iruka Sensei sure loves this stuff"

Suddenly, from down the cave, there was a crackle. A crackle so foul sounding, it caused Kiba to pee his pants (literally, he actually peed his pants).

"oh man, I shouldn't have gotten that 128 oz coca cola at that gas station"

"shhhh" said Shino, motioning them to be quiet

The sinister crackling began again, and cause Kiba to pee his pants a second time.

"awwww, dang it, not again"

Lee ran ahead to see what was making the noise. After a few seconds, his voice could be heard giving them his location.

"GUYS! I FOUND HIM! HES UP AHEAD!" Lees voice boomed out "BUT, UMM, I WILL WARN YOU IN ADVANCE, IT IS NOT A PRETTY SIGHT"

The other nins behind all gulped and pressed forward, and came into the small cavern that Lee was in. Upon entry, they all gasped in the horrible sight that befell them. There was a single ray of light coming from a hole in the roof of the cave, and that ray of light shined on a pile of root beer bottles the size of a small house. On top of that pile was Iruka, completely naked in the fetal position, drinking a bottle of root beer, muttering 'more…..more….need…..more.."

Needless to say, the young nins were horrified. Shinos sunglasses cracked at the sight, Hinata squeaked and turned red, and Kiba peed his pants again.

"Honestly" Said Lee, covering his nose "what is it with Iruka sensei and taking off his clothes?"

"I can understand that" said Kimi

"Anyone have any pants I can borrow?" Asked Kiba

"wha….what… what are you?" asked the freakish Iruka "wh……wh……why are you here?"

"calm down sensei" said Shino, approaching Iruka "were not here to hurt you"

"Liar" said Iruka, clutching the root beer bottle "you're here to steal from me, your thieves, you're here to steal, my, my, precious…….."

"oh for the love of God" said Shino "I'm so sick of that damned joke"

Shino ran up to the top of the mound and Roundhouse kicked Iruka in the face, knocking him unconscious. Irukas unconscious form rolled down the little mound onto the ground in front of Kiba, Lee, and Hinata.

"someone has to carry him back" said Shino "One……two……three….NOT IT!"

"not it!" said Hinata Lee and Kimi

"not, oh man, I don't wanna be it"

"sorry Kiba" said Shino, walking down the root beer mound "the konoha military has a very strict policy about the 'not it' rule"

Kiba sighed and went over to pick up Irukas unconscious form. As he he reached it, suddenly, the light in the cave went out.

"what the arrrrrrgh!" went Kiba in the darkness

There were some struggling noises in the darkness, then the sound of someone running away. After a minute, the light ontop of the cave shown again.

"what the hell was that?" asked Shino looking around

"I don't know" said Lee "but Kibas gone"

"oh no!" said Hinata, turning bright red "Not Kiba! What happened?"

"I Know I KNOW!" yelled a voice from further down the cave. Suddenly, Tenten came into view, coming from the entrance "that thing thing thingie that kidnapped our Kiba? That was Sasgay, he was at the front of the cave, and said something about kidnapping"

"Then why didn't you stop him?" asked Shino

"oh, should I have done that? Yeah, I probably should have" said Tenten

"what are we going to do now?" asked Lee "what do you think leader?"

Shino closed his eyes, and thought for a second.

"heres whats going to happen, Kimimaru" he said, Pointing at him "your going to take Iruka back to Konoha, and tell the fifth what happened"

"all right! I get to carry the naked Guy" said Kimi gleefully

"Lee, since your fast, you need to get to team two, and get them up here as fast as possible"

"uh, don't they already have a mission? They're going to rescue Naruto"

"no one cares about Naruto"

"oh, good point"

"Me and the rest of the team will chase Sasuke and find out what he wants with Kiba. Lee, Kiba, both of you should get moving ASAP"

"Alright sir" said Rock Lee, who suddenly disappeared

Kimimaru walked over, slowly hefted up Iruka, and started to go, leaving Shino, Tenten and Hinata together. Hinata was duley amazed by Shinos incredible concern for Kiba, While Tenten was thinking up ways the three of them could have dirty time fun.

"Shino, I must say" said Hinata, crying a little bit "The compassion your showing, and how much you want to rescue Kiba is inspiring. Its an unselfish act of true friendship"

"friendship?" asked Shino "bullcrap. The only reason I want to rescue him is that he owes me fifty bucks and a Nintendo wii. Now lets move out, and make that freeloader pay!"

Shino left the Cave, with Hinata following shortly behind, wondering how she could've been so off with her guess. Tenten was left in the cave thinking of some ideas.

"maybe we can use handcuffs, hehehe, and and, maybe some whipped cream and, wait" Tenten looked around and noticed everyone was gone "huh, they left me, maybe I should've told them that thing Sasuke said about Orchimaru being inside Kiba. Meh, maybe not"

I wonder the stuff Kimi wonders all the time. I could write my own freakin book on that philosophy stuff.

Oh, and The bears are going all the way to the super bowl! whoo! And its not optimism, its realism, theres a difference, sorta.

Until next time, Tobi is a good boy! Believe it!