Chapter 3

It took Lee three days to work up the courage to go anywhere near sickbay, and even then it was only to pick up some paperwork from Tigh's office. He had the newly approved flight schedules in hand as he closed the hatch behind him, leaving behind a grumpy XO.

On his way back to the CAG's office he detoured around the medical wing. It was unlikely that he'd run into Kara unless he actually went in to sickbay, but he wasn't taking any chances. He still wasn't ready to face her, not after he'd nearly cost her her life.

Lee rounded the last corner to get to his office, and had to side step to avoid running into a person coming from the other direction. It was Helo. The taller man stopped and glared down at him.

"You need to go see her," he said severely, not even bothering with pleasantries. "If you're really her friend then you would." He paused for a few seconds, allowing the words to sink in. "Plus, you can't avoid her forever."

Lee felt himself getting angry at Helo's words. He had no idea what the hell was going on. Lee was willing to bet that he didn't even know what had happened out there during the dogfight.

"I'm busy," Lee gritted out through clenched teeth, trying to fight the urge to deck the raptor ECO. "We lost a hell of a lot of pilots and I'm the CAG, that's left me doing a lot of rescheduling."

Helo raised his eyebrows at him. "For three days?" The look on his face told Lee that his excuse just wasn't going to fly. "I doubt it. Look," he said, his voice losing only a tiny bit of its harshness. "I don't know what the hell happened between the two of you. What I do know is that Kara is sitting in an infirmary bed, beating herself up over this, wondering what the hell she did wrong."

Then he just walked away, leaving Lee standing there. He watched Helo's retreating back for a few seconds as he thought about what he'd said.

"Frak," he muttered under his breath. This wasn't Kara's fault. For gods' sake why couldn't she see that? She didn't do anything wrong, he was the one that had screwed up, not her.

When Lee looked down he saw that his fists were clenched and the flight schedules were crumpled. He forced himself to loosen his grip and take a few deep breaths.

Maybe he should go see her. He ran one hand over his face and turned back around, heading the final distance to his office. He knew that he should, hell it was what any good friend would do. He guessed that made him a bad friend.

He didn't even know if he could pinpoint why he couldn't face her. She'd been willing to sacrifice her life for his, but if he was honest, things had always been like that. She was his wingman and he was hers, they had to be prepared to protect each other at all costs. It wasn't even that it was such a close call; they'd had many of those before.

He thought that maybe it was because she'd be angry with him, but then again, it's not like that was anything new. He didn't think he wanted to deal with her sympathy either, because if she wasn't angry that's what it would be. There would be embarrassment too. He was a seasoned pilot; he wasn't supposed to freeze up like that. And then there was the guilt; his gut started churning at the mere thought.

It wasn't that he couldn't handle Kara's reactions. No, it was that he wouldn't be able to handle his own. He wasn't strong enough to walk in there and see her lying in a sickbay bed because of him. He couldn't do that, not without breaking down and he was barely holding himself together as it was.

Just as he was opening the hatch to his office, he heard Gaeta's voice come across the speakers. "Attention: Pass the word for Captain Adama. Captain Adama report to the CO's quarters."

He had a vague memory of his father needing a report of some kind from him, but for the life of him, Lee couldn't remember what. He tossed the schedules onto the middle of his desk and headed back out of the office and towards his father's quarters.

When he got there he rapped lightly on the hatch and heard a commanding, "Come in", from the other side. He entered into the Admiral's quarters, making sure to close the hatch behind him.

"You wanted to see me sir?" Lee's voice sounded tired, even to his own ears.

His father nodded and indicated that he should sit next to him on the couch. Lee did, although he made sure to leave some distance between them. Not so much as to set his father questioning, but just enough so that they wouldn't accidentally touch.

"I need a mission report Lee," Adama said, cutting straight to the chase. "I know things have been hectic lately, but we can't just let these things slide."

Lee remembered and nodded automatically, even though he dreaded writing up the report. The last thing that he needed was his father knowing the truth about what had happened out there. "I'll get to it tomorrow," he said regretfully. There was no way he was getting out of this one.

"Good."

Lee moved to stand up, thinking that their conversation was over, but he stopped when his dad started talking again.

"I went in to see Kara yesterday."

Lee turned his head quickly to look at his dad. "How is she?" he asked, the words rolling off his tongue before he could hold them back.

The Admiral gave him an odd look. "She seemed fine. A bit restless though." A small grin spread on his face. "She's not one to be stuck in one place for too long."

Lee shook his head. "No, she isn't."

"Cottle's keeping her under observation for four more days."

"That long?" Lee asked, suddenly worried. He'd expected her to be released later that night, or at the very latest the day after. "How bad was it?"

Adama gave him the same look from before as he replied. "There are no lasting effects from the concussion. But it's her knee that Cottle's worried about."

Lee nodded and felt the familiar surge of self-hatred.

"But you'd know that if you'd been to visit her." His father's voice had taken on an accusing tone with his last sentence, although it didn't really surprise Lee. His dad loved Kara.

"I was busy," Lee said in an angry voice, even though he knew it was pointless. The excuse hadn't worked on Helo and it sure as hell wasn't going to work on the Old Man.

"Not that busy," Adama said sternly. "You need to go and see her."

Lee opened his mouth to protest, but before he could get any words out his father was talking. He felt his fists clenching again.

"She doesn't blame you for what happened. I don't know why you won't go."

Lee had had enough. He stood up quickly and strode across the quarters to the hatch. His father didn't know anything; he couldn't even see that his son was on the verge of losing control of everything.

"Lee!" he heard his father call out, but he ignored him. He exited the room, barely able to stop himself from slamming the hatch closed behind him.

Lee was lying in his rack, unable to sleep. The events of his day… hell, his entire week, were all rolling around inside his head.

Helo was right though; he couldn't avoid Kara forever. He had four more days with her in sickbay, but when she got out, she'd be furious. She might never forgive him. Lee shuddered. He wasn't ready to face her, but the last thing he wanted was to lose her as his friend. Although he supposed he might have already.

He turned onto his side as he tried to sort out the frakked up situation that was his life. He needed to see Kara. Gods, he hated that both Helo and his father had been right and that it had taken him that long to realize the truth. He checked his watch and noticed that it was 2200.

He slipped out of the bunkroom, making as little noise as possible. Some of the other pilots were already sleeping. Lee made his way down the hallways, pausing only when he got to the entrance of sickbay. He took a deep breath and plunged through the invisible barrier that was separating him from reality.

He didn't feel any different once he was inside, but he knew that as soon as he saw Kara that would change. Lee made his way toward the back of sickbay, to where they kept the 'long term' patients. There were a handful of beds that had curtains drawn around them, but he didn't hesitate and headed for the farthest left one. Kara called it her second rack.

The closer he got to it, the heavier his feet seemed to be. He stopped completely in front of the curtain, his hand hovering near the edge. He could go back to his bunkroom now and nobody would know that he'd chickened out, except maybe a stray nurse or too, but they never said anything anyway. The idea was tempting, but he managed to not give in to it.

At one point he had been the best friend that anyone could ask for, or so Kara had told him once when they were sparring. Opening the curtain and seeing Kara's sleeping form wouldn't make him that man again, but it would be a start, even if there were some selfish motivations behind his reasons.

He grasped the thick material tightly with his shaking hand and opened the curtain just enough so that he could slip through.

Kara couldn't sleep again and it was pissing her off. The only thing that someone could do in sickbay was sleep, and she couldn't even accomplish that. So instead, she got to sit on a tilted up bed and stare at a white curtain. The Old Man had offered to give her a book to read, but she had politely declined. She was beginning to wish that she had taken him up on the offer though. Then she could be staring at pages instead of that frakking material.

The last few days had been hellish. When she wasn't being bored, she was contemplating the whole Lee thing, and even after all that time she still couldn't figure out what she should do, if she should even be doing anything. She'd thought about the situation so much that she wasn't even sure that it was straight in her head anymore. Normally she didn't over think things. Hell, she rarely thought about things period, she just jumped right in and did whatever the frak felt right. But in this case she didn't know what felt right, because the entire situation felt wrong.

Kara heard heavy footsteps growing closer and she pushed herself up on the bed, wondering who the hell would be walking around sickbay at this time. Cottle had already done his rounds and none of the nurses walked that loudly. It was sad, but she'd spent enough time in sickbay to know the difference.

Whoever the hell it was paused outside the curtain. Kara had to wait for a good long minute before she saw the material move under the touch of a hand. Her jaw nearly dropped open like in some stupid child's cartoon, gaping and wide, when she saw who it was. She had been expecting Helo, the Old Man… anyone other than him.

Lee faltered when he was greeted with the sight of Kara sitting on the bed, very much awake. Somewhere in the back of his mind he knew that it had been a possibility, but he guessed he'd just ignored it, wishful thinking or some such.

She was staring at him and he couldn't do anything but stare back. He knew that he should be saying something, but even if he had been able to form a coherent thought he doubted that it would come out of his mouth properly.

Eventually it was Kara who broke the silence, and what she said made him realize just how wrong he'd been to stay away.

"Why are you here?"

He gulped as he heard things in her voice other than the anger he'd been expecting. Self-doubt, tentativeness, hope, and sadness all mixed together.

"I needed to see you," he said honestly, keeping his voice quiet.

She let out a humorless laugh and if Lee didn't know her better, he would have said that she was holding back tears. "Right," her voice was completely sarcastic. "And what?" she asked, her voice starting to get a bit louder. "Now was the only time that fit into your busy schedule?"

He felt his cheeks get red with shame. "It's not like that Kara," he said, hoping that he'd have some chance in hell of fixing his mistake.

"Well then what's it like Lee? Because honestly, I don't even know anymore."

He had the sudden urge to tell her, to make her understand, but didn't even know where to start.

"I know that I screwed up ok?" she said, her voice getting louder still. "I'm sorry Lee. I'm sorry that I can't be what you need me to be."

"What the hell are you talking about?" he asked, so damn angry that she could twist this to blame herself for what he had done wrong. Without even realizing it, he had taken two steps toward her.

"Something's wrong and I can't help you fix it. Do you know how frakking frustrating that is? The only thing that I want to do is help, but I can't. Everything that I say or do is wrong and now I'm pushing you away!"

"You aren't…"

"Yes I am," Kara yelled angrily. "You don't even want to come visit me, so you sneak in, in the middle of the frakking night, just so you won't have to deal with me!"

"No!" Lee yelled. Helo was right, she was beating herself up over this and it wasn't her fault. He felt like smashing her head against the wall to make her see that. He shuddered as the image flashed through his head and a wave of nausea passed over him. Had he changed so much that he would even consider, no matter how briefly, hurting Kara?

He finally snapped. "I couldn't see you alright!" He watched her reaction and realized that that had been the worst possible thing to say. "No," he said quickly, feeling the desperate need to clarify. "I can't handle seeing you in here Kara. Seeing you and knowing that I'm responsible for this."

That quickly, all of the anger left her face and she even seemed to lose some of her physical presence. But he'd started and he couldn't stop.

"If it weren't for me you'd be ok. I froze up out there, I made a huge frakking mistake and it nearly cost you your life. How the hell do you think I can live with myself knowing that I almost got you killed!"

Kara opened her mouth, looking like she was going to say something, but he just kept talking.

"You're my best friend Kara, the only person in this whole frakking fleet that even comes close to understanding me." Lee dropped his eyes to the floor and started fidgeting, shifting his weight from foot to foot slightly, as the words continued to spill from his mouth.

"You're the one person that I can count on, and it's supposed to work both ways, you're supposed to be able to count on me too. But I can't even be that person for you! I've almost got you killed twice in the past three weeks and I can't even look at myself in the mirror." His voice dropped off in disgust near the end, and the next thing Lee knew, he was sinking down onto the bed along side her good leg. The action wasn't even the result of a conscious decision.

Lee had his head turned slightly to the side and down, away from Kara. He flinched when he felt her hand on his shoulder. He wanted to tell her to stop, not to touch him. But before he could get the words out she was whispering his name. He hated how he couldn't stop himself from turning to look at her.

He only caught a glimpse of her tear filled eyes before she reached forward and pulled him into a hug. His initial reaction was to fight it, but Kara wouldn't let him, so he leaned into the embrace and wrapped his arms tightly around her. She held onto him firmly and his head instinctively came to rest against her shoulder.

She was so warm.

Kara watched as Lee turned away from her as he fell completely silent. She felt her heart constrict, knowing that this was her chance to do something right for a change. Everything that he had said… She knew that Lee had been dealing with a lot lately, but how could he ever blame himself for all of that? How did he get to the point where it seemed like he hated himself? She shuddered at the thought.

He wasn't moving, he wasn't talking… he was just sitting there. She watched him, feeling the burning urge to do something, but not sure what. She realized that his cheeks looked damp and it took her a few seconds to realize why. She had never seen Lee cry before…

Thinking wasn't getting her anywhere, so she reached across the distance between them and placed her hand lightly, tentatively on his shoulder. Tears began to build up in her eyes as she realized that he was shaking slightly.

"Lee." His name came off of her lips tentatively and softly. She was afraid if she said or did the wrong thing he would leave. No, she knew he would leave.

As soon as he turned to look towards her, she reached out and pulled him into a hug. She didn't want him to go through any of this alone, no matter how little help she'd actually be.

Maybe her movements were too quick, but he tried to pull back. She wouldn't let him, and it didn't take long until he stopped fighting. A part of her was glad, but another part wasn't. Lee was a fighter; he wasn't supposed to give up.

Either way, she held him tighter against her body, ignoring the odd angle and strain on her knee while hoping that she was actually doing the right thing. She let out a sigh of relief when Lee wrapped his arms around her and turned his face in toward her neck. It was awkward and uncomfortable, and normally she would pull away from such things, but that wasn't what Lee needed and she was going to do the right thing for once.

She wasn't sure how long they stayed like that for, but eventually Lee pulled back from her and she let him. He tried to inconspicuously wipe his eyes and she pretended not to notice.

He wasn't meeting her gaze and she knew that he was embarrassed. "I should…" he let his words drift off as he turned to look at the small gap in the curtain.

Kara reached out and touched his arm lightly. "You ok?" she asked softly.

He turned to look at her and apart from the reddish eyes, she thought that he seemed to be looking a bit more like before. "I don't know."

"It's not your fault," she said quickly, her voice somewhat tinted with desperation. She needed him to realize that.

He nodded, but she could tell that he was only doing it for her benefit; he didn't believe her. "Hey," she said quietly, reaching out to lay her hand on his arm. "Switch it around. Pretend that I'm you, and you're me." She waited for a few seconds. "Now would you be blaming me because you're in sickbay?"

"Gods no," he said, and she could tell that his response was automatic, but more importantly truthful. As soon as the words left his mouth she could see the realization on his face.

"I'm being an idiot," he said. She couldn't help but smile slightly as she heard an almost joking quality in his voice.

"Well I wasn't going to say it," she said before she laughed at the indignant expression on his face.

He gave her a small smile back, but he didn't chide her in return. She knew they still had a ways to go before they were back to being simply Starbuck and Apollo, but she knew that they would get back to that at some point.

Lee braced his hands on the bed and pushed himself up so that he was standing. "I should leave."

Kara nodded. She didn't want him to go, but he probably had an early shift, plus if Cottle happened to come around he'd get kicked out anyway. "Okay," she said, looking up at him.

As he started to walk away, she thought of something. Despite everything that had just happened, Lee hadn't really opened up to her. Things were ok between them, but that didn't mean that things were ok with Lee.

"But Lee," she added in an unsure voice and he stopped to look at her. "If you want to talk about … you know, anything…" She paused and took a deep breath. She still wasn't good at this. "I know I'm not a good listener, but I can try," she said honestly.

He nodded his head once before saying, "I know."

She nodded. "Ok." She was hoping that he would take her up on that offer, but she wasn't going to push, not now anyway.

When Lee reached the curtain he stopped and turned around to look at her.

"So I'll see you later?" she asked hopefully.

He nodded and smiled at her. "Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow."

TBC