Gaze into the Looking Glass

By: Kinya Kai

Disclaimer:

Alas, I do not own any Gravitation characters, however I shall use them to do my bidden. Thus to further warn those who notice my story...this is in fact a homosexual story. So if you don't find the idea of two guys being in love wonderful, then stray away from my story.

No need for religious conflict because truly I do not care what you think...I support what seem perfectly natural...love...

So...HA!

A/N:

Man...that's so sad...Shuich caught Yuki in the act! Ha! Serves him right...however the tale doesn't end there. Let's see the interesting side of Shuichi a little more. Alright, let's continue shall we...

Chapter Two:

A Beautiful Lie Spoken

Shuichi

What is the purpose for the word regret? Why do so many people regret things they do, when they know that it was meant to be done intentional? Once they accomplish their given task, they want to sit all depressed in some stupid park, hoping everyone stares went right through them. To only become invisible to the world, cover up the shame, and knowing that moving on is just a lie waiting to be spoken...

A beautiful lie spoken...

A picturesque soul destroyed...

Yet, I can't keep from wondering if that once beautiful soul was already destroyed before it was planned? Could it happen without realizing as one portray falsehood of happiness? I don't know, but the reasurraning voices within my head sound rather mellifluous right now. Thus, this is where my story continue, wishing slowly it could just end. It's been five or six hours since I've been within the park. Above me the bright sun shined its evil hot rays on my flesh, even if I have a jacket on. My eyes concealed behind dark sheds were probably red and puffy from crying. I can't cry anymore, my head is empty. Black hair all over the place, forgetting to brush it before I decided to walk out. Yet, the people who passed me only look then turned away. On their faces held confusion and somewhat sympathetic. It's like, 'oh look at that poor boy...he must be homeless'. I wasn't homeless...I just didn't have a home that I felt like going to right now. My mind wasn't in its right state to be thinking or worrying where my next place should be. In my hand, my cell vibrated continuously, causing me to look down under my shades. My colorless screen showed the one name I didn't wish to see, but did I have a choice really? He was worried about me...I just walked out, knowing will enough that I wouldn't find a place that quickly. This call would have been the eighth or ninth, I lost count from not caring anymore. Inhaling deeply, I might as well answer it or I just go mad and throw the phone or something. Pushing talk, I brought it midway to my ear. I didn't want it touching me, knowing he would be speaking to me.

"What do you want? Make it quick, I have things I need to do." I wasn't going to be all nice with my greeting.

I could hear him breathing heavily, I knew he was crying also. Should I feel sorry for him? My body numbed instantly at the thought. I didn't want to feel nothing anymore...why give in? "Shuichi, please can't we talk? I'm sorry alright, I knew I shouldn't have done it but—"

I cut him off purposely, getting to the point of his excuse. I'm tired of excuses, why couldn't he just be straightforward for once. He never wanted me, my body sicken him and he prefer someone older and dominant. "But you didn't want me to know. You just wanted to see how long will this scandel last until I found out. Just tell me this Yuki, do you actually love me?"

It was the moment of truth and there was a long pause after I spoke those words. Chuckling, I shook my head, founding the will to cry after along time. I knew it...and here I thought that maybe I would be foolish enough to give him another chance and kill off Seguchi. He talked after two minutes of problematical thinking. "Shuichi, why would you ask me that question? You know the answer—"

I bit back my anger, I wanted to just yell at him but I was outside and didn't want to draw attention. Even if I am invisible to those sympathetic people, they would notice my visiblity show and my vulnerablity rise. "Then what the hell took you so fucking long to answer me?" I hissed, now the phone touching my ear and my lips brushed against it.

Another pause, god how I wanted to reach through the fucking phone and choke him. So being so damn hesitant!! It's not hard to lie, you done it throughout our relationship. So I decided to hiss at him again, feeling the unwanted tears flow once more. "You know what, fuck you! Fuck you for using me! Don't call me anymore Yuki, I'm tired of your bullshit and your lies! You deserve this pain, you hear me and you'll get it worst from Mika!"

Then I hung up the phone, throwing it on the ground and in rage stood and crushed it underneath my foot. People stopped to watch my battle with my cell phone, pieces flew all about, crunched up and wires lose. Even if I went to get it fixed, it would be too complicated to figure out what happened. I'm so sick and tired, I'm tired that it making me want to vomit. Growling loudly, I shoved my hands into my jacket pocket and walked. I needed to clear my mind, let these annoying thoughts disappear into the void I'm slowly creating. No one would be able to understand what I'm going through, not Hiro, not Ryuichi, no one! And I don't need someone sympathizing and feeling sorry for me because it's not helping. I'm broken, shards of misery falling one by one as I take each step. Then those vague pieces would disappear, as if I didn't exist. I wish I didn't now...because even existance hates me more than anything.

I don't know how long I've been wondering away from reality, but I found myself to be standing on the bridge that looked out into a small lake. There you could feel the wind blow along forgotten waters that crystalized within the sun. To me, the lake was a giant mirror because when you look within its beautiful blue waters, you see your reflection. Beyond the looking glass of liquid is another just like you, only that person shows the you you once were, not the you you are now. I just stopped here, leaning against the black metal rail and gazed into the tranquil waters. As my reflection look back up at me with the same dark shades concealing hurting violet eyes, I notice the passing reflections next to me. It was like time kept moving faster around me, one after another walk across the bridge, stop to take in the beautiful scene and then continue on towards their destination. I wish I could do that, journey to a place where my life could be different for once.

Then there were those who didn't continue to travel the road that was marked for them, they simply did what I'm doing, lean on the metal rail and look at their pathetic reflections. There faces just like mines, full of sadness and what ifs. Tired of knowing the outcome of life and all together wish they could change it, just like I. Even in the worst situations, I know there is someone, somewhere who shares the same pain as I...

Betrayal...

Loneliness...

Ache...

Why must one feel like this? Because of the guilty conscious that continue to pop up whenever it pleases to remind you every second of the regret slowly rising. It's impossible to embrace something that you'll yearn for later. Complete contentment...that's what most of us who staring beyond this looking glass wishes for. Behind our fake mask is someone who hopes for a better future, only to suffer endlessly in the present and hurt over again from the past. I let out a sigh that was neither of sadness nor pain, it could have been more of hate. I hated myself because I let emotions overwhelm me. Do I easily get upset that I don't realize it anymore. There use to be a time when I would cry for every little thing, but now I only cry when I need to and repress what I don't need. Placing my head against my folded arms, I couldn't look into the depths of my life anymore. I just made my head hurt and depression increase. I decided to listen to the sounds of nature around me as the wind caress my unruly hair. It was like, beyond this point I'm hearing what my mind wants me to hear...silence. To give me time to think, fight an emotional turmoil to make it only futile.

'You can't stay like this forever...you have to face your fears.'

Fears? What fears do I have that I must face so boldly? For three years, whatever I use to be afraid of only became my greatest strength. "I cannot confront something that doesn't exist..." I mumbled lowly to myself, realizing that I'm talking out loud and to an implied thought nothing less.

'Don't fight it, Shuichi because in the end you will lose everything. You still love him...don't you?'

I felt my throat let out a dry chortle. Why should I love someone who doesn't love me? He took two minutes just to answer, yet expect me to know. How the hell should I know, I wasn't the one who cheated. "There's no such thing as love when it comes to an aching heart."

This conflict between myself and my conscious was getting creepy because I swear that it had a mind of its own. 'In denial, I see. Fine, you'll only regret what you are doing. Don't turn him away...he needs you.'

"Bullshit!"

'You need him, he's the only one who completes you...'

"Shut the fuck up, I don't want to hear anymore..."

'You cannot hide it any longer...just go back and apologize. Work something out!'

"No and stop trying to make me change my mind! It's over and it will always stay like that! Get out of my head now!" That time I screamed, causing people to stop short in fear once more thinking I'm a crazy man. Throwing my hands to my head, I needed to get away from this lake...make it stop peering into my soul.

Moving away once more, all I could hear was the content chattering from my conscious telling me to do the right thing. What is the right thing anymore? I thought I did do the right thing, leaving him so he could continue to fuck Tohma days on end. Disappear out of his life, so he could have that freedom he once had. He never looked at me the way he looked at Tohma. His eyes always went through me, making my being disappear more and more. He saw me, he notice my presence, but it was all just fading into another life. He never really loved me, he could only speak such blasphemous words to put a smile on my face. That's was my revelation, after so long that I continue to blind myself. He never loved me...it was all a hoax. The one he truly loved will always plague his heart and soul...

It wasn't Tohma...

It was Kitazawa...the man who was his first and last.

And how stupid could I be to let it continue on...

I walked around Tokyo for two hours, going through the new found fact through my mind. As my heart continue to crumble within my chest, I realized that I walked all the way to Hiro's house. My feet just led the way, knowing that right now I needed a friend to talk to. I didn't want to bother him, he had enough on his hands as it was. He's married now, to Ayaka who made him the happiest man on earth and was soon about to become a father. But I needed to talk to him, to get these thoughts out of my head. I couldn't lock them up in the void, it would only come back up and bother me some more. So I approach his building with hesitant steps, coming to the doorbell. Ringing it, my palms began to sweat, why was I so nervous to meet my best friend? Was it that obvious, I'm troubled right now? The loud buzzer echoed in my ear, letting me enter. Going through the door, I came into the foyer, large and interesting. Everything was white and tan, a Victorian theme. Coming to the elevator, I went in as the metal doors closed behind me, sealing me away. Hiro and Ayaka lived on the last floor which was a lovely penhouse. Since Bad Luck started, he saved his money just to buy that for him and his future wife. I'm glad his dream came true, but as for mines...there are only figments. By time I realized that I was at the top an the metal doors opened, I was greeted with a pair of sad gray eyes belong to my best friend. He stood there, looking at me with so much concern. I looked back, through shades that concealed my true emotion. I didn't want him to know that I've been crying, even though there are tear streaks along the paleness of my skin.

Yet, he knew and he enter the elevator as the doors closed behind him. Without a single word spoken between us, he took me into his arms, held me, and told me everything was going to be alright. I couldn't control my involuntary trembles because the next thing I knew I broke down because he understood. He didn't ridicule me or told me I was an idiot. He just held me, his grip tighten with each loud sob I let escape from my lips. Why does it hurt so much? Why does it hurt when your friend could see the grief-stricken look on your face, no matter how hard you try to hid it? Hiro understood and there for at last ten minutes was nothing but an agonizing mourn. He even cried as I felt the warm tears against my cheek. Why should he cry, he been there for me and I haven't even thanked him. Since he had gotten married, I abandon my abilities as a friend to let him enjoy his happiness. While he was happy with his beloved wife, I was wallowing in my misery, not wanting to worry him. Even so, he was worried about me, I knew it. Hiro always worried, till the point he was sick from crying. Ayaka would call me to tell me what was going on and with each call I felt my chest tighten with grief. I told her numbers of times to tell him everything was alright, nothing to worry about even if it was another beautiful lie spoke.

Finally, we broke our embrace, looking at each other before breaking into a tearful laugh. He wiped his tears away as I done the same, trying my hardest not to start again. "I'm sorry...I just didn't know what came over me." He said between chuckles as I smiled faintly. I knew what came over him...concern and fear about my feelings.

Nodding, I took off my shades, letting my violet eyes been seen for the first time this evening. I looked at the metal door that bounced our reflections around, noticing how distorted I was. "Don't apologize...I should be the one doing it. Ayaka told me you were worried about me. I'm sorry...I should have been the one there for you." I admitted weakly, slipping my shades into my pocket, feeling the emptiness where my cell phone was. Maybe breaking it was irrational, but I was doing it out of anger.

"Don't worry about me, I'm doing great," He replied as he paused and his body became unease. I knew something was wrong, even if he tried to hide it behind his mask also. "Shuichi...Yuki called us not to long ago, wondering if you were here. He sounds worried, his voice cracked alot as if he's been crying. What's going on, did you two have another fight or something?"

I pressed my lips together, averted my eyes away from his before I cried again. Shaking my head, it wasn't a fight...more of a goodbye. "No, we didn't fight. We...we broke up Hiro. I got tired, you know of all this deceit coming from him."

Hiro didn't know what was going on, I hid it as much as I could at work and during recording session. I couldn't afford him to hurt Yuki, regardless what stupid act he committed. When Hiro's anger take over, it's hard to take over. "Shu...what happened? He didn't—you know what I'm saying—Shuichi?"

Shaking my head again, I pushed the buttom to open the doors once again. I couldn't stand being in here, I could feel myself looking directly at me and the words in my head rumbling over. "I don't feel comfortable talking in here. Could we go inside, please?"

"Yeah...let's go inside. I know Ayaka probably going to wonder where I disappeared off so quickly."

The door opened and we exited heading down the empty hall. Since he had a penhouse, no one really lived up here, even though there were doors on each side. I guess Hiro's planning to use them for a studio or something, I don't know. We came to the last door at the end as Hiro opened it, to be greeted by sweet smell of cookies. He stepped in, calling Ayaka to tell her that he's back and brought me along as I followed behind. Closing the door, this would be the second time I've actually been here, the first was when he was modling the place. It was lively, colors bright throughout the area. In the great foyer with was a sky blue color covered with paintings Ayaka herself painted. Each abstract, but matched the decor perfectly. Beyond the foyer was three rooms, the Kitchen, Study, and then Living Room. The kitchen was big itself, everything stainless steel and full of color. It was Butter yellow with black counters and cabinets. While I walked passed that way, I peered into the kitchen to see Ayake looking up from the over, a floral apron over her pregnant belly. Her face beamed when she seen me, when did she cut her hair? Taking her time, she came to me and embraced me tightly in her arms (mines couldn't fit around her) as she held me out. I felt her eyes move along my body as she shook her head. It's freaky to know that the girl who was in love with Yuki and would kill you to just get him was nice without a right hook in the jaw.

"I'm sorry...I know, I'm a mess. Can't help it, soon I'm going to be a mother. How have you been, Shuichi?" her cheerful banter finally came to what she wanted to know as her eyes sparkled with anticipation.

Faintly smiling, I knew she knew what was going on, somehow she always know and wouldn't tell Hiro. "I'm fine, just thought I come and see how you two were doing."

She nodded, releasing me and return back to her baking. Her swollen belly hanging down as she checked on her cookies. "I'm glad...we've been worried since Yuki's been calling here for you. I told him that you weren't here, he sounded horrible."

"I see...thank you for telling him that I wasn't here. I don't feel like talking to him right now, could you lie for me since I'm here?"

She waved her hand idly, her lips curled into a wider smile. "Yeah...also you are welcome to stay here as long as you need. I think Hiro would be happy to know that he could keep an eye on you at all times."

Turning away, so she did know the situation that went on. Clever girl, nothing really passes her. Thanking her, I went into the living room where Hiro sat on the couch, his feet propped up on the table as he flicked through the channels. He patted the vacant seat next to him as I obeyed, flopped down and sighed. I don't know why I enjoy couches so much. They just felt like home to me, comfortable and inclusive. Hiro didn't look at me, but I could tell he was from the side as he continue to flick, trying to find something interesting to watch. However he broke the tension that was building fast.

"Are you sure he hasn't—you know?" He asked the same question, just wanting to clarify that he hasn't...you know.

Sighing, I wish he did, it would have been better than suffering like this. I threw my head back, too tired to care for the unsettle channels, staring up at the maroon ceiling. "No Hiro, he didn't this time...it's been a while since he went back to that. It's something more, something I cannot seem to grasp or understand right now."

He nodded, all tension melted away and the conversation contiuned. "Alright...I didn't want to hop on my bike and ride down there with a bat to beat the shit out of him. I will never forgive him for what he did to you, it was uncalled for."

Closing my eyes, I didn't want to think of the past right now, too many memories were enough. "It's hard to explain. He's been cheating on me with someone else. Sadly, I knew who he was cheating on me with and for how long. At first, I didn't want say anything, hoping it was just a fling or something. But it's been going on for two years...two years and I let it continue without speaking a word. I know I've done wrong, I should have spoken up, but—" I couldn't finish it, my words started to confusion me.

Hiro was silent for a moment, letting my words sink in before trying to figure out what to do. "I see...so who is this person he cheated on you with?"

Damn...I was hoping he would just to the advice. 'You still love him, stay with him and give it another chance.' As much to my dismay, I didn't get that. "It's...Seguchi-san."

Right there as if he just heard that they were going to bomb Hiroshima once again, he turned to me with wide eyes. "You're fucking kidding me! He's with the bastard...how fucking sick man! Does Mika know?"

"Yeah she knows, she was aware about it for a while. She's planning to put him and NG in the dirt. Plus you knew that Seguchi been wanting Yuki since he was a child. That over protective bullshit was only for show."

Hiro face went grimace as he sighed. "Fuck...and you knew? Where was I during this intervention?"

"Home with your newly beloved wife and impregnated her to bear your child. Looks, you making it turn into a big deal, which it's not—"

"Shuichi, get your head out of your ass! It is a big deal! How could you be so nonchalant about it? He fucked your lover...took away what you love the most!"

Groaning, there was the problem right now. That four letter word that I'm starting to loath so much! Love...it's fucking pointless when one is given, not receiving. "He never love me, he saw me as a substitute for Kitazawa. Even Tohma, he doesn't love us, only feel the need to use us."

Finally my sympathetic friend return as he placed a caring hand on my shoulders. "I'm sorry Shu...I know that it must be tough on you. What are you going to do though? What is going to happen to the band, I hope you are not going to break us up because of this?"

I haven't thought far along that path, involving the band and all. I couldn't say anything, it was all too soon. "I don't know, I just have to see how the plan with the divorce goes. I doubt Mika would run NG. I don't want to lose Bad Luck, it's my heart and soul."

"But would you be able to continue to sing with those two factors?"

"..."

"Or is it that you hold on to the fear that if you happened to see Yuki, you would just break apart?"

"I cannot know for sure...but I do know this. He's out of my life for good...goodbye Yuki."

With such determine words spoken...it's all a lie as another chapter close and a new one begins.

While my soul promise lips let slip another beautiful lie...

And doubt congeal within my own eyes...

TBC

A/N: Did Shuichi actually say goodbye to Yuki? Will Bad Luck still be with NG as Mika divorce her bastard husband Tohma? Can Yuki finally let go of the past and see Shuichi for him and not Kitazawa? How the hell should I know...I'm not that far ahead in my story, but could tell you this...naw...let's keep that a secret.

Review!!!