A/N:

Let's Continue

Chapter Five:

Rays without Sunshine

Yuki

I don't remember ever feeling as if life wasn't worth living, even if Kitazawa died by my hands. Since the day Shuichi arrived to my place, his once peaceful face contorted with anger, my heart's been aching. It's really pathetic, if you think about it. It's like a moment of nostalgia. When times between us have been rocky, but never resentful. Shuichi made it clear that he never wanted to see me again. That he hated my every being with his heart and hope that maybe, just maybe somehow during a tragic moment I would die. Of course, he didn't actually say it with harsh words, but his eyes explained it all. So what am I doing technically, obeying his request for a bittersweet death. Once again, in the moment of despire and agony, I'm drowning my sorrows and suicidal attempts with alcohol. I could feel the buzz, even if this was my sixteenth shot glass of something...brown? As I lay upon my couch, eyes of liquid umber staring emotionlessly and lifelessly up at the ceiling, I could see everything from two days ago replay within my mind. From the moment Blu and I talked about my screw up to the heated arguement engaged between Shuichi and I. Often, when one wish to die, it's like a great moment for flashbacks to return and foreshadow everything you've done wrong in your life. Apparently, under the alcohol induced haze, my flashback only went to two days ago...
"Why don't you just leave me alone, Yuki? I didn't come here to talk to you, only to get my shit and leave." Shuichi stormed pass me and into our once bedroom that held too many memories for me to sleep in.

Forgetting that I wasn't alone, Blu just gave me a sorrowful look before removing herself off the couch. Somewhere in my mind, I was thankful for her leaving, but also in need of her support during this moment. With one last gentle smile, she placed a kiss on my forehead. "Don't give up yet, alright... Just go talk to him, tell him the truth, and stop hiding behind false walls of happiness."

Why must her words hit home and break yet another piece of my already broken heart? Without word, all I gave her was a nod as she smiled one more sad smile and left. As I watch the door close and click, everything I tried to hold, break against the barrier. My heart melted, ached, hurt as my eyes misted with forlong tears I've haven't felt in weeks. With a shaky, watery breath and steady footsteps towards the old bedroom, I knew this was the moment of truth. That once I walked into that room, shut the door tight behind me, it would just be us. I could feel my nerves jump about, my heart refuse to settle down as each agonizing footsteps hit the hard floor in the hall. My body reached the last door on the left, nerves finally congealed over and my movement remained motionless. Why couldn't I get through this? All I wanted to do for weeks was see Shuichi's face, talk to him, hug him, hell even beg him for forgiveness. All I want is to see those beautiful violet eyes shine once more, not lackluster. With that, I conjured up my strength (buzzing) and knocked twice on the door.

All sudden movement within the room paused for a moment and shift towards the door. When it swing open, I expected to see tearstreak down his face, only to get eyes of resentment. They dug a hole into my head and burned the remaining confidence I had left. Everything I tried to hold dear faltered, why must you look at me that way Shuichi? Do you hate me that much? Did I hurt you more than I let myself believe? Will you ever forgive me? My mind ended up on questions mode, thinking of the possible answers to too many questions that will always remain a mystery. Shuichi didn't say anything to me, and turned his back as he left the doorway to return packing. Stepping into the room, I knew it was a mistake because once the door shut behind me, something large and breakable flew at my head and crashed against the door. Shocked (and mostly scared), I looked at him, his eyes harden more and his breath ragged.

"I hate you!" He hissed.

My eyes soften, he didn't mean that. Did he? "Shuichi, we need to talk, please just hear me out."

However, he refuse to listen to my words and grabbed another item to hit me with. With luck, it wasn't something breakable, but it did collide with my face. "What is there to talk about Yuki? I don't want to hear about your rendezvous with Seguchi. I'd heard enough when you were talking with Blu."

So he had been there longer than we expected. "Listen to me Shuichi, it was a mistake. I-I didn't meant for it to last this long and-"

"Bullshit! Two years and you suddenly didn't mean to? Who do you take me for, some idiotic person who don't know anything? I'm not stupid, I always knew. You never loved me, hell I even doubt you love Tohma. You still don't get it do you?" hatred lingered, his eyes told me the story of his hardship as I gazed into them.

"Shuichi...you know I love you. I didn't mean to cheat on you. Please, just give me another chance and I swear-"

He cut me off again, his head shaking furiously at my request. "Another chance? I gave you so many chances to tell me where you been sneaking off to at night, but you just continue to lie. I can't take it anymore...why can't you understand that. I don't love you, not anymore. I'm sorry, but this is the end. I'm not coming back to you, I'm moving on. You hurt me," He paused mid-sentence cause his voice cracked. Watching him inhale, his chest heaving in and out, he continued with tears glistening in his eyes. "I don't know if I can ever love someone who hurt me so much as you had done. What did I do to deserve this? Didn't I give you everything you wanted, my love, my heart, my soul?"

"Yes..." Why had my voice shrinked away?

His tears have finally reached their limits as they flowed down his cheeks. I knew he didn't want to cry in front of me, he struggled to stop them, but with no provail, they continued to fall. "Then why did you hurt me so much? How could you lie and say you love me, when you were in the arms of another man?"

I felt my eyes break away from his. The look he was giving me was crushing me more. I had always hated it when he cried, it's like everything just died and will never return. "I don't know why it happened, but it did. Shuichi, I will always love you, more than anything. That was a mistake and now I'm suffering from it. Please, don't do this to me...you know I need you." By now my eyes too were producing tears that broke against the dam of restrints.

However, when my eyes turned back to him, he shook his head. "No..." he breathed out watery. It was like he was fighting his own emotional war as he brushed away his tears with the back of his hand. "No, Eiri..."

"Shuichi please...don't do this to us, to yourself."

He kept shaking his head as he broke our contact and grabbed his bags. "I'm doing what's right, I'm leaving. You never loved me, you don't even love Tohma. I doubt Kitazawa ever left your mind cause you still look through me." He gave me one last look. "If you love me so much as you proclaim you do, you would have never cheated on me and lied about it. Now because of your mishaps, you'll be alone again, just like you always wanted. And I hope that one day, when you look back on this, you'll see that you're missing something important. It's over between us Yuki, forever. I'm never coming back and I don't even want a friendship. Just leave me alone."

Before I could say anything, speak my final words, he left.

And right behind him so did my will to even continue on without him...

"Damn you Shuichi..." My drunken self whispered out, the subconscious part that's used during these moments.

I don't remember how long I've been reminiscing, but by time my gaze shift to the window, it was dark outside. The lights within the city just turned on and I felt the darkness around me draw closer. Maybe, my mind wondered with another drink, if I took the opportunity to end what was already started then maybe...

I didn't let the thought linger any longer before I was up off the couch and staggering to god knows where. All I knew from this position I was heading towards my bedroom. My balance completely gone, my vision clouded. Everywhere around me, the darkness just drew near, making it hard for me to find my way. I could hear stupid giggles escape from my blaspheomous lips and tears leak from my eyes. With that, my body decided that it's time to shut down and my knees buckled right under me. It felt like a slow motion movie, down my body went until it hit the hard floor. Everything around me started to spin out of control and I could swear I heard voices. And all in my mind, I kept telling myself 'I've done it Shuichi...I've gone and tried to kill myself just to get you back'. As those thoughts kept repeating and my world turned into black, I heard another voice that didn't belong to either me or the others. This one was soft, sorrowful, and pleading. Along with the voice, a gentle touch graced my head and it kept telling me 'don't go'. Why should I listen to you? I wanted to say, but it was too late. I could feel my heart stop, my breathing end, and all those sweet memories of Shuichi vansion. Maybe this is why many people wish for death because its rays without sunshine...it's an oxymoron.

TBC