I'm sorry this chapter took so long. I've been working on it for a while. I hope it is worth the wait. Please read and review!
Chapter Four: And Sometimes When the Wind Blows… I'll Pretend it's You
He stood over the burning stove, pan in hand, watching the sweet smelling batter rise and darken into perfect golden circles. He swallowed deeply, licking his lips and sucking in the breeze that made its way in from the window. The tiny hairs encircling his face tickled his nostrils, making him flinch as he brushed them away. His hair had gone grayer, as had the skin on his face. The vibrancy of life he had felt so recently had now gone away…leaving him completely drained.
He flipped the pan cakes, pressing the opposite sides down onto the pan, hearing them sizzle in place. Leaving the pan, he walked back to the kitchen island where a tray was set up. Its contents were sprawled around aimlessly…hot cup of coffee, morning paper, silverware, and juice. He turned again slowly, reaching for a small miniature vase that was placed at the window sill. He poked at the freshly picked daisy, fluffing its pedals before giving it its own spot on the surface of the tray. Everything, even the flowers surrounding, were depressed these days. He leaned back into the refrigerator, closing his eyes and letting out a most frustrated sigh. Days had been like this for months now. No one had recovered. Not even a little. Sometimes he wondered why the sun even bothered to rise.
"What's that smell?" a voice asked, breaking his train of dejected thought. He took a strong breath, running to the stove at the realization. He shut off the burners, picking up the pan and patting the smoke away as he let cold water run over it. Again, he groaned, frustrated. He looked to the person standing in the doorway. "Morning, Kaitlin." he greeted. He pointed to the sink. "You uh…want some breakfast?" She grimaced as the smoke and steam cleared. "Um, no…thanks, Neil." she said, trying to decline in the nicest way possible. "Just take the good ones to mom. I'm not that hungry anyway." She gave a weak smile, giving him a nod before she took a seat on a stool at the island. They stared at each other for a split second, before letting their eyes fall to the tray dividing them.
"Has she said anything to you today?" Neil asked, breaking the silence that loomed about the house. Kaitlin frowned and shook her head no. "I tried to get her up before I came down…but the door was locked and her room was still dark." she explained. Neil closed his eyes. "You don't think she…?" He stopped mid-thought, hoping Kaitlin would know what he meant. She shrugged, her eyes soft and utterly lost. "I got rid of everything I could find in there…flushed it all…but who knows what else she has hidden." Kaitlin stared at her fingernails, remembering the night she and Neil had come home from picking up dinner, only to find her mother passed out in her bedroom…an open, half-empty bottle of pills at her side. She just couldn't handle her grief anymore…just didn't want to keep living. She was hospitalized for a few days, telling the doctors that it was only an accident- she would never intentionally do anything like that. And since she was the infamous Julie Cooper, who could talk her way out of an execution, she was released from the hospital, no questions asked.
That was about two months ago. Kaitlin and Neil had tried to keep a watchful eye on Julie…she had acted so sketchy since the accident, more so than she was beforehand if you can imagine. Everyday she would come out of her darkened bedroom, baggy-eyed and completely disheveled…but falsely cheerful. She would run around the house, trying to keep herself busy doing things that didn't need to be done. She'd ignore or barely listen to anything Neil or Kaitlin had to say, and then once it was dark she would slip into her bedroom and do God knows what until noon the next morning. Life had become a cycle of depression, filled with whacky ways of coping the loss of a daughter and sister.
"Well, let's bring this up for her, hmm?" Neil suggested, picking up the tray and making his way passed Kaitlin. She got up and followed behind, going slowly, knowing this morning would just be like all the other mornings of the passed three months. They made their way up the spiraled staircase, dragging their feet, swallowing the growing lumps inside their throats. At the top of the stairs, the house's energy evidently darkened. The sun didn't shine where it usually had, pouring through the windows, onto the colored walls and carpeting. All the shades were drawn. All the doors were closed. All the rooms and halls were filled with ghostly silence.
Neil stopped at Julie's door, balancing the tray of food in one hand so he could gently knock with the other. He stood with his ear pressing against the wood, trying to hear any kind of movement inside. Kaitlin stood next to him, shivering for a moment, feeling a chill run up her spine. She looked to her left, peering at the closed door only a few yards away. She hadn't been in the room behind that door for a long time. Her sister's room. Marissa's room…or so it was. She looked up at Neil for a moment, leaving him occupied with her mother's drama. She walked down the hallway, stopping her hand from turning the brass knob. She felt nervous, emotional, her palm hovering over the handle. She knew everything would look just as it did before she died. The room wasn't done being lived in yet. Marissa's clothes still lied on the floor and the bed was left unmade from the morning of the accident. Nobody wanted to move anything. It was left how she had left it.
Kaitlin moved her hand up, touching the door, finally pushing it open only a crack. The room wasn't dark as she figured it would be. The shades were open and sun streamed onto the floor. She pushed the door all the way to the wall, exposing the rest of the room. Her eyes ran over her sister's dust-covered belongings. Her feet were planted in the doorway. She looked back over her shoulder, watching Mr. Roberts fumble with the lock of Julie's bedroom door. She turned back to the room and took a step inside. She touched the dresser to her left, running her fingers across the surface above the half-open drawers. Rubbing her fingers together, she moved to swing the door nearly closed. Kaitlin walked to Marissa's bed. The wrinkles in the sheets where she used to sleep were still intact. It was almost like she never left at all. Kaitlin lowered herself slowly onto the mattress, letting her body sink into the softness.
She stared at Marissa's bedside table where jewelry and paper were scattered throughout. She reached for a silver chain with a familiar jagged pendant. She laid it in her palm, eyes filling with tears. Her thumb ran across the half heart hanging from the chain. The words "Best Big Sister" were etched on the silver. Tears ran down her cheeks. She remembered when she bought that for Marissa years earlier for Christmas. Kaitlin looked down at her chest, where her own necklace hung. She matched up each pendant until they fit together, making a whole heart broken down the middle. Marissa had gotten Kaitlin the other side that was respectively etched "Best Little Sister". She clutched the necklace to her chest. If only she could have honored that title. She was far from the best little sister. She had done anything she could to push Marissa's buttons. And yet, despite everything Kaitlin had done, Marissa was always there when she was needed. She honored her half heart whole heartedly. (ha….get it?) Kaitlin separated the necklaces, placing Marissa's back with the others.
"Kaitlin, you want a go at this?" Her head shot up at the sound of Neil's voice. She cleared her throat and swiped her finger tips below her eyes, wiping away the tear drops. She got off the bed and look back at the dresser as she walked toward the door. Opening it fully again, she stood there for a second before closing it and turning back to Neil and the dark hallway. He stepped aside as she came forward, face to face with her mother's bedroom door. She brought up a fist to knock. "Mom?" she called. Silence. "Mom? Come on. Dr. Roberts and I brought breakfast." Silence. Kaitlin let out a frustrated sigh. Neil gave her an encouraging look. "It- It's a beautiful day outside, ma. I was wondering if maybe-" The door opened. Julie stood in front of her now, eyes open, but saggy and depressed. She was wearing make up, was dressed, and was clutching a purse under her right arm. "Hello, Kaitlin. Neil." she said flatly, looking back and forth to both of them.
"Julie?" Neil said in astonishment, eyes running over her. "What?" He looked down at Kaitlin. "Mom, you're so…old you." she said, looking down her body again. Julie smiled, looking humbled. "Well, thank you sweetheart." she said over jovial. She took a deep breath. "Well, that smells good." Neil nodded and held it toward her a little. "Kaitlin and I thought you might like something to eat…but since you're already up why don't you come down and eat with us at the table?" Julie held her purse tighter under her arm. "That's a very nice thought you two…but I was actually planning to head out." she said, moving passed them. "I'm supposed to meet someone in ten minutes. And it's already lunch time anyway." Kaitlin urged toward her. "But Mom…come on. Can't you stay for just a little? Neither of us have had a real conversation for a while now." Julie looked at her but continued her way down the stairs. "Honey, I'd love to but I really have to go now."
"Mom…please." she said. Julie stopped at the dramatic audibility in Kaitlin's voice. "I know what you're going through, okay?" she continued. "…I miss her, too." Julie's face grew pale. She swallowed heavily. Kaitlin took another step closer. "But if there's anything I learned from being a Cooper…it's that you're not supposed to push people away when bad things happen." Julie's expression turned stern again as Kaitlin fell silent. Julie cleared her throat and batted away forming tears from her eyes. "I'm not- I'm not talking about this right now." she insured, shaking her head with a strapping inhale. "I'm sorry, Kaitlin. But I'm late as it as. We'll-We'll talk later." She turned away from her daughter and Dr. Roberts, descending the rest of the staircase. Kaitlin leaned back into the banister, closing her eyes with a devastated sigh. Neil approached from behind, putting a hand on her shoulder.
"That was the first time she said more than two words to me in three months." she spoke gently. Neil shrugged, squeezing her arm reassuringly. "Don't pay heed, Kaitlin." He glanced down the stairs to the front door. "Your mom she's just…she's in a rough spot right now." Kaitlin sighed aggressively, watching her mother walk outside "Aren't we all?"
He sat in the pool house, piece of paper in hand. It sat folded in his palm and his eyes burned through the back of it. He rolled it between palms, rotating it back and forth, up and down, feeling the paper between his fingers. She had written him a letter. The day she died she had given it to Summer to give to him. A letter. That was her goodbye. He had read it only once since then. He couldn't bear reading what she had to say after she was gone. It killed him inside. Her words were so sad, but hopeful at the same time. Her talk of the future, wishes that would never come true…the future she spoke of would never come. The future for her. The future for them they knew would eventually happen. It had all gone away so quickly.
Between thoughts, he heard quiet knocks on the pool house's open door. Ryan still stared at the letter in his hands. "Go away." he grumbled, not caring who was standing there. "I don't mean to disturb you, Ryan." Only then did he look up. "Julie, hi." he said, getting to his feet. "I, uh, I forgot you were coming for a bit…sorry." She shook it off, stepping into the room. He sat back down and she moved to sit next to him. Julie slid her purse down her arm to rest on her lap. "I, um, I know where he is, Ryan." she murmured, pulling a folder out and putting her bag on the floor by her feet. "The P.I. we hired was finally able to track him down. He's somewhere in-"
"Wait." he said, shaking his head. "I don't want to know." Julie squinted her eyes in the utmost confusion. "What?" she asked in astonishment. "Why?" Ryan sighed, staring at the picture across from them on his television stand. He stared at her smiling face. "Because" was all he said. Julie followed his eyes to the picture, and then looked back at him. "Ryan, I-"
"Why did this take so long in the first place?" he asked, snapping to his feet to step in front of her, leaving the letter on the bed. "It's been three months. It really shouldn't be so hard for a professional to find some idiot." He ran a palm over the back of his neck, beginning to pace back and forth in rage. "Ryan, you know the man I hired doesn't have a lot of experience in cases like this…we agreed that we wouldn't get the police more worked up in finding him than they already are." she explained. He paused to look at her. She looked down at the folder and then back at his face. "We also agreed that when my guy found him…you would be the first to know so you could get the closure you need." He shook his head, biting his lip. "Well now…it's different." he said. "I don't care."
Julie frowned, and shot up from the bed just as he did. "That's a lie." she said. "Don't tell me you don't care. Ryan, you loved me daughter. I know you did. You can't just- just give up now when we finally have what we've been looking for." He didn't look at her until she finished. "You're right." he said, with a nod. "I did love your daughter…very much. That's why I won't go after him." He looked at Julie with a stern sureness. "Marissa…she-she wouldn't want me stressing over this. All she wanted was to keep me out of trouble. If I went after him I'd just…I'd just kill him right then and there and she wouldn't want me to be in jail for the rest of my life." He took the folder from her hands. "Just let the police take care of it."
He walked passed her to take his seat back on the edge of his bed. He picked up the envelope he had left and replaced it with the folder at his side. Julie glanced down at his hands. "What is that?" He swallowed heavily and longly inhaled. "It's a letter…from Marissa." he answered, looking down at the paper. "She left it for me the day of the accident." He opened the first flap, bending the paper gently back and forth with hesitation. Julie stared at it. "What does it say?" She looked at him eagerly, taking a sit across from him on the chair's ottoman beside the bed. "Please read it." she said. "If it's not too personal….I would really like to know what she had to say." He opened his mouth to speak, looking into her urgent eyes, closing his mouth again, halting his speech. "If you don't want to aloud…I can just…" Julie gestured, holding her hand out for the letter. Ryan shook his head. "No, no it's okay." he reassured, trying to build his own confidence. He cleared his throat, unfolding the letter completely, recognizing the scribbled text.
Dear Ryan, he read.
For the past few days all I could think about was how I was going to say goodbye to you. I didn't know if we would be alone or if I'd just say goodbye to you and the Cohens all together at once. What would I say? How would I leave things with us? I kept imagining all kinds of different situations. A part of me imagined you running to stop me at the airport. Another part just saw us hugging and parting like old friends. Most of it was just my mind's wishful thinking.
He paused for a second, looking up to her mother. "Go on." she said. bobbing her head in the letter's direction.
I want you to know so much. The letter went on. There are a lot of things I haven't told you about myself and about things that happened when you were away or we were apart. I missed you every second when you went home to Chino. That was probably the worst time of my life. It was mine too, he thought. I just wanted to say that I'm sorry. For what? I've wanted to say that to you for a long time now. I'm sorry I dragged you into my drinking problem and all the drama with my parents. Julie's heart stopped beating. I'm sorry about what happened with Oliver and Johnny. I'm sorry I let you down time and time again and I broke your trust in me. You deserved better than me, and I'm so sorry that I couldn't give you everything that you gave me. I deserved nothing but you, he said in his head. Despite the constant chaos I brought into your life, you never, ever, gave up on me. You were always there when I needed you and you gave me absolutely everything with no questions asked. You saved my life, Ryan. You made me a better person. In more ways than you can ever imagine. Ditto. Thank you for standing at the end of that driveway.
Ryan paused again, running over that sentence one more time in his head. He briefly smiled for a moment. "I don't understand." Julie said in question. "That's where we met." he explained, still looking at her words. "When I first came here I was standing at the end of the driveway…and she was standing at yours…waiting for Luke to pick her up." His eyes met the picture frame again and they moved directly to her face. Julie listened intently. "We got to talking and…I don't know." he continued. "I was in love with her even then…she made me not want to leave." Julie's eyes stung with the threat of crying. "That's a really nice memory." she said. Ryan looked at her, agreeing.
I don't know where either of us will be if and when I come back to Newport. He read. We both know that anything can happen in a year's time. We've known each other for almost three now, and it feels like my time with you was the equivalent of a lifetime. We've all grown and been through so much together. You've come so far and I am so proud of you. He exhaled a sigh, his body tightening. He couldn't cry in front of Julie. You'll do great things in this world, Ryan Atwood. I'm blessed to have earned your friendship, and at one time, your love. I only wish there were more people like you.
Tears fell onto Julie's cheeks.
I'm sorry things could never really work out between us. I know the majority of our troubles were my fault. But who knows, right? Maybe one day we'll be perfect for each other. You'll be an architect, we'll buy the model home, bring cute little blonde haired and blue eyed babies into the world…just imagine it. They both laughed for a moment at the thought. There will always be a place in my heart for you, Ryan. I know that no matter what I will love you forever. Go find happiness. You deserve everything you want and more.
Marissa
Tears welled up in his sad baby blues. He wouldn't look away from her cursive. His stare was broken with Julie's sniffles. "I wish she had thought such good things about me." she stated, sliding the back of her finger under her eyelid to scoop up some water. "I'm sorry I didn't see it sooner…you two really did love each other." Ryan nodded, folding up the letter and sliding it neatly back into its envelope. "I'll love her forever too, you know." he said, sliding his hand over the envelope, something he would treasure for the rest of his days. The room fell silent. He thought about what she had written. Some things made him angry. He didn't want her thinking that everything that went wrong with them was her fault. He was partially responsible in all of it too, right? He had suddenly gotten furious with himself. They had a new chance. They had both grown over the year and had a chance to make things better. But he had let her go…and while letting her go…she died.
He paused again in thought. But wait…who should he really be mad at here? Himself? Or the guy who took all their chances away? She could have left for a year, come back an even better person, and they could have picked up right where they had left off. Everything could have been perfect again. It wasn't their fault. It was his fault. He ruined everything with his jealousy. The blue folder that laid by his side seemed to look a lot friendlier. Julie noticed his change in behavior. Two seconds ago he was sad and light heartedly remembering…now he had the look of murder in his eyes. "Ryan, what's wrong?" she asked with concern. "What is it?" Without answering, he picked up the folder and got to his feet, leaning across his bed to pick up his leather jacket. He hung it across his forearm, walking to the door. "Wait." Julie urged. "Ryan, I thought you said-"
"Forget what I said." he yelled back walking onto the patio. Julie got up and walked to the doorframe, looking after him as he disappeared. "Julie?" Sandy walked toward her, closing the back door of the house behind him. He reached the stairs of the pool house and glanced inside before looking toward the driveway. A car engine started and tires peeled out. "Where's Ryan going?" he asked, looking back at Julie. She shrugged, looking toward the car. "I don't know." she lied. The two stared at each other, listening to the engine sound get quieter with distance.
He drove around the streets of Newport, not acknowledging his speed. The windows were rolled down so the fresh air might make him relax. His seat belt hung at the head rest of the driver's seat. He gripped the wheel with his left hand, letting the other hang out the window, touching the side of the car. He was in control. The sun glared off his mirrors, reflecting into his face from the glass. The sky grew darker and the air around him was heavy, getting harder to breathe in. He passed the water, peering out toward the girls in their bikinis and the guys playing volleyball in their Hawaiian flowered swimming trunks. Newport had gotten even more cliché. He stopped the car where the road met the sand, getting out with the folder in hand. Alone and in silence, he walked across the beach, to the small, painted white shack that he knew so well.
He climbed the steady ramp, plopping himself down where it leveled off. He shifted against it, trying to get comfortable. He knees bent upward toward his chest, arms hanging off of them. The folder now rested at his side once more. He droned out the talking and laughter of fellow beach-goers, singling out the sound of the waves. He closed his eyes, breathing slowly and listening to the crashing of the water. He thought back to the nights when he and Marissa would come there. With the beach empty, they could sit and be alone with the quiet. There was the only real place they could unwind and be with each other without all the drama. It was their spot.
His legs slid flat and he planted his hands on the deck of the stand to pull backward against the wall. His eyes fell to the folder, which was soon in his hands again. He stared down at the front cover and the white edges of paper peeking out from inside. He knew that once this folder was opened, and he read where Volchok was…the undying feeling of revenge would come over him and unlikely go away. As soon as it was open, everything would change and his conscious and Marissa's memory would eat away at him. His heart almost beat out of his chest. But Ryan knew something inside of him would also eat away with wonder. He had to know where he was. He opened the folder and ran his eyes over the print. Mexico. He had crossed the border, escaping the police, and was hiding under a fake identity in Ensenada. Ryan went over the small details, closing the folder again and gripping it tightly. His eyes fell shut for a second time.
He thought of all the nights he and Marissa would sit where he sat now. His brain brought him back to the night when he last saw his brother. "I really want to put this behind us." she had said. But it had never fully gone away. They never talked about what happened the way other couples would. When he seemed the least bit unsure and asked if they even could put it behind them, she said she hoped so, so he did too. That hope was diminished. It was like their past with Trey was always there. He was the elephant in every room. Then of course the dean came along, and Johnny, and Volchok. Each event of the previous year ran through his head, step by step, until the night of the accident. There were so many things he wished he could change. The tiniest things…conversations, romantic moments, and fights over nothing important. He wished he could just go back in time and keep her from getting in that car. Keep her from going to Newport Union. Keep her away from Volchok and keep her in his arms forever.
Ryan sat there for a long time, watching people come and go, thinking of everyday and every moment he would want to change, asking God to help him get through this or to just give him another chance. He just wanted a sign that things would be okay eventually. He rested the right side of his face against the wall of the lifeguard stand, watching the sun begin to set. The sky turned purple, twilight falling over Newport Beach. The breeze quickened and whipped into his face and hair. The anger he had felt hadn't gone away. He roughly rubbed his eyes as they burned with fresh tears. His whole body tightened and ached again with frustration and sadness. For the first time in hours, he got to his feet, picking up the folder he had so willingly discarded that afternoon. He walked across the darkened sand, leaving the lifeguard stand behind, now letting tears escape from the brims of his eyelids.
He reached the car, pressing automatic unlock before getting in. He drove like he had before. His foot pushed on the pedals harshly. He almost felt sick. The world spun around him. All the grief and anger he felt came down to this. His foot pushed harder. Street lights rushed passed, scenery flashing through the windows. His eyes burned. His neck burned. Fiery frustration piercing through him, coursing through his veins. He couldn't hear, couldn't see…not that he cared for either sense right now. He didn't want to there, alone, or alive. The road stretched out in front of him, endless. Breaths came rapidly. The rest of the world disappeared. He suddenly felt immensely unemotional. He limbs relaxed. His eyes grew tired with the burning of sweat condensed tears. He could feel nothing but the hard, firmly stretched leather at his fingertips. He looked down, running his hands over the smoothness of the wheel…before letting go entirely.
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