1Anakin wiped a tear from his eye. He slowly uncurled. He sniffed and looked around.
"This isn't my suite!" he exclaimed. He sat on the floor of the Chancellor's office. Palpatine was standing behind his desk doing paper things.
"Ani! I'm glad you're awake! You seemed pretty shaken up when I arrived." he replied kindly. Another tear came to Anakin's eye.
"Oh Palpy, it's horrible!" he wailed.
"Come my boy, sit down, tell me what happened." Anakin dragged himself into the seat in front of his desk.
"Obi-Wan really pissed me off last night, he tried to French me!"
"No."
"That's not all! He was hugging me and putting his arm around me, I had to get revenge. So I tricked him to coming into the building right, so I could spew fish stuff on him. But, when I threw it on him, it was Mace. He hit me and destroyed all of my make up!"
"OMG! What a jerk off!"
"I know!"
"Wait, I know what will make you happy. Gossip."
"Ooh!"
"It turns out Mace has been eyeing Yoda in the Jedi Council room."
"No way!"
"It's just a rumor. I have no way of really knowing. I also heard they have been talking about me behind my back."
"Uh!"
"But once again I have no way of knowing."
"There has to be some way of finding out."
"The only people who would know are the people on the council."
"They'll never talk." Anakin was once again depressed.
"Well actually, there is one way. Get Obi-Wan drunk and talk him into taking a bath with-"
"No way! Obi-Wan is such a fag!"
"Hmm, I guess we're stuck then." sighed Palpatine sinking back in his chair. "Wait! I can appoint you to be my personal representative on the Jedi Council!"
"Mace will never go for that after what happened today."
"I have ways of, persuading him. Being a Sith-POLITICIAN! I'm a politician! Not a Sith! I don't know why I said Sith. Hehe."
"Really? You'll make me a Jedi master?"
"Sure, why not?"
"Thank you Palpy!" he exclaimed jumping across the table onto Palpatine.
Mace Windu relaxed on the couch. He was wearing Anakin's blue silk bath robe with the large letter A inscribed on it. Padme sat down next to him.
"Oh, look at the time, I better start going." He said.
"No! Please stay! The fun's just getting started!"
"I have to go, Jedi Council thing." He started to get up. Padme jumped to his side.
"Take me with you! I'll be quiet! No one will notice me!"
"Oh, why not?" he picked her up and carried her out the door.
Anakin stood beaming outside the door of the Jedi Council Room. He could hear them talking. Finally the doors opened and he was called in. To his dismay, Padme was sitting on Mace's lap.
"Padme?" asked Anakin. "What are you doing?"
"You said you didn't mind my slutty nature!" she snapped.
"That's my bathrobe!"
"IT'S MINE NOW!!!" yelled Mace.
"Sorry Master Windu." said Anakin.
"Now," continued Mace "Palpatine wanted you to be on the Jedi Council. Palpatine was very, persuasive, but that doesn't change the fact that I hate you! You can be on the council, but you're not a master! HA! What now!?!" he jumped up pushing Padme onto Yoda and danced around Anakin's head. "You're not a Master! I am! Nener nener nener!" he mocked. He poked his head and spat at his face.
"THAT'S IT!" screamed Anakin. He pushed Mace over and ignited his lightsabor. He jumped into the air and diced all of the chairs. The Jedi masters all ran to the windows and cried for their mommies. Obi-Wan and Padme leapt into action.
"I'll hold him down, you inject the medicine!" he ordered. He tackled the squirming Anakin to the ground as Padme thrust the needle into his arm.
"AHHHHHHHHHH! THE PAIN! NOT MY MEDICINE! OBI-WAN YOU FAG!" he cried. Suddenly he fell silent. Acting as if nothing had happened all of the Jedi masters returned to their seats and Anakin stood before the council again.
"I apologize for my out burst Master Windu," said Anakin solemnly "NOT!" with that he reignited his lightsabor and continued to slash everything in bad blind fury with his mouth foaming.
"Padme, you tackle him down!" yelled Obi-Wan. "This time, I want the inject the needle!" Padme jumped onto his back and hit his head until he fell. Obi-Wan pulled out the needle and injected it into his left butt cheek.
"SOMEBODY HELP ME! RAPIST!"
"Uhg! I am so pissed off!" screamed Anakin. He was laying down at his therapists. Padme had talked him into go there a few months earlier.
"Why are you so pissed off Anakin?" asked the therapist.
"Because the Jedi are cramping my style man! Now that Mace wore my bathrobe I'll never be able to pull it off again! Then Obi-Wan sticks a needle in my butt! How will I ever face them again?"
"Well, how about you look at some ink blots?" he pulled out some cards with ink stains on them. "Now, just tell me what you see in this one."
"Me killing Obi-Wan."
"Okay, in this one?"
"Me strangling Obi-Wan."
"This one?"
"Me running over Obi-Wan with a tractor."
"Let's move on. I'm going to say a word, and you tell me the first word that comes to mind. Bunnies."
"Blood."
"Ocean."
"Drowning."
"Ducks."
"Guns."
"How about you tell me what you feel."
"I feel over impulsive anger towards Obi-Wan. I want to drive a needle into his ass and see how he likes it. I want to stomp on him. I want to drink lemonade. I want to spit at him from atop buildings."
"Look inside yourself, find inner peace." Anakin closed his eyes and exhaled. "Have you found it? What do you see?"
"A red bathrobe. Not a blue one, red looks better on me."
"So what are you going to do know?"
"I'm going to reap upon Obi-Wan's soul."
Obi-Wan was walking down the hallway looking out at the horizon. Anakin turned a corner and saw him. He ran at him from behind and jumped on his head.
"Anakin you butt! Get off me!" he yelled.
"Don't like having people tackle you to the ground do you?" he asked giving him a nuggie.
"Maybe if you took your medicine yourself we wouldn't have to!"
"Well, I did. I took it myself this morning."
"You did?" Obi-Wan shoved Anakin to the ground and stood up. "I'm so proud of you."
"Cut the crap Obi-Wan, I'm here for revenge. Turn around."
"No."
"Do it!"
"No!"
"Do it!"
"NO!"
"FLIPPIN' DO IT OBI-WAN!"
"Fine! Just stop spitting on me!" Obi-Wan cautiously turned around. Anakin cracked his knuckles. Obi-Wan gulped. Anakin lifted his hands in the air. The ceiling became a meaningless portal of doom. Blue lightning cracked into his hands. Suddenly the top of Obi-Wan's pants began to glow bright blue.
"My trousers!" exclaimed Obi-Wan. His underwear began to appear over the edge of his pants. Suddenly it shot above him and dangled him around like a cat toy in a super atomic wedgie. Obi-Wan let out a cry of pain. Anakin laughed and through his head back. Everyone walking down the hall stared at them.
Out of nowhere Anakin stopped and Obi-Wan fell to the ground. He got up and pulled up his pants. They carried on the conversation like nothing had happened.
"Did you see the way Mace was staring at Yoda?" asked Anakin.
"Oh my gosh! He so has a crush on him. Speaking about the council, they kind of wanted to ask you a favor."
"I don't give lap dances!" exclaimed Anakin.
"You don't? I mean, that's not the favor! We kind of wanted you to, you know, like, spy on Palpatine."
"Why would you want me to do that?"
"They think he's up to something."
"Like what?"
"They think he wares wighty tighties." whispered Obi-Wan.
"No way."
"That's what I heard."
"Wait, you stuck a needle in my butt and laughed, why should I do this for you?"
"You know you love me."
"HUG!" they came together in a warm embrace.
"I love you man." Mumbled Obi-Wan.
"I love my hair."
Anakin was ready. He had admired Palpatine for years, but never thought he would have a chance with him. But finally he had asked him out on a date. Well, he hadn't really used the word date, but they were going to an opera. What's more romantic than that?
"I'm here Palpy." He announced.
"Ani! Good to see you, sit down, right here, next to me." Anakin blushed as he seated himself. "Do you want to join the Sith?"
"What?"
"Sorry! It just slipped out." A long silence followed. "Please, please, please! I need you! I'm lonely! You would make such a good Sith! And you can be called Lord!"
"I'm telling!" yelled Anakin leaping from his chair "You're a Sith Lord! I need to tell Mace! On second thought, what kind of benefits package do I get?"
"You will learn to save people you love from dieing."
"Oh," said Anakin disappointed "If that's it,"
"And you can reap upon people's souls!"
"I'll think about it."