1Anakin had finished his to do list by reaping the souls of the separatists on the lava planet of Mustafar. He was sitting around toiling his hair when suddenly he felt Padme's presence.
He looked on the surveillance footage to see her shiny skiff coming down for a landing. For a moment he was jumping with joy, but then he felt another presence with her.
"Oh crap! She brought the therapist!" he had been so angry he didn't realize Obi-Wan was also on board. He stormed to ship. He saw his beautiful reflection in the side, blew a couple of kisses, and continued to storm around angrily.
"Anakin! What did you do?" shrieked Padme. "Palpatine has this huge ego and thinks he can take over the galaxy!" she stomped in front of him. "You're wearing my eyeliner!"
"No I'm not!" he yelled turning around. She pulled on his shoulder causing him to face her.
"Yes you are! Who do you think you are?"
"I am Lord Vader! I can overthrow the emperor! And together you and I can make things the way we want to be!"
"I am glad I brought the therapist."
"That hurts me when you say that, it really does."
"He's here to help you."
"Here you go again with the "help" thing."
"So we meet again Anakin." Yelled the Therapist walking towards them.
"Uh! You win!" gave up Anakin.
"So tell me what's been going on Anakin." Said the Therapist.
"I'll tell you what's wrong!" butted in Padme. "He's been killing every person I ever met!"
"Killing calms me down." Confessed Anakin.
"There you go with excuses again."
"Me? What about you? 'Yoda wasn't in our bed, he was changing the sheets!' 'That wasn't your bathrobe Mace was wearing, the A stood for aardvark!'"
"Padme, why do you make up excuses?" asked the Therapist.
"So I have relationships with twelve men, big deal! But Anakin is gay, he is sensitive. I can't tell him the truth."
"I am not gay!"
"You're going out with Obi-Wan."
"Oh, so that is what this is about."
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"You're jealous that I have been giving more attention to Obi-Wan than you."
"Of course not."
"Padme, is there anything you would like to tell Anakin?" asked the Therapist.
"Well, we never go anywhere anymore. You're always on a date with Obi-Wan." She confessed.
"Can you blame me? She's fat!"
"With your child!"
"Wait, my child? I thought twelve other guys could have been the father."
"Well, I need to confess, they all use protection."
"That means,"
"Yes."
"I'm going to be a daddy!" they hugged. "Thanks doc." He started to get up. "Wait, I sense, Obi-Wan!"
"It's about time!" he yelled stepping out of the closet. "You killed everyone in the Jedi temple!"
"They were asking for it!" he yelled back.
"Oh yeah? Well take this!" Obi-Wan leapt forward and punched him straight in the jaw. They rolled around hitting and kicking each other yelling cuss words and insults about each others mother.
"Boys!" yelled the Therapist. "Stop it! You're behaving like Politicians!" they sat up. So ashamed that they were acting like politicians they got up and sat on the couch. "Now tell me," continued the Therapist "Why are you so mad at each other?"
"He killed all of my friends!" yelled Obi-Wan.
"And he has bigger pecks than I do!"
"That's right!" yelled Obi-Wan, blood dripping down his forehead.
"You wanna go?" asked Anakin.
"Boys, behave!" scolded the Therapist "Anakin, hug Obi-Wan."
"No."
"Hug Obi-Wan."
"No!" Obi-Wan began to cry. Anakin jumped to his feet on the couch. "Take this you big cry baby!" he kicked his side.
"You fag!" screamed Obi-Wan igniting his lightsabor. They leapt from the couch slashing at each other. They continued to try and sever each other as they exited the ship and ran through the lava planet hall type things. Anakin hit Obi-Wan's lightsabor out of his hands and began to poke mockingly at the air around Obi-Wan.
"What now Master? What now?"
"You dweeb!" Obi-Wan shot his hand out and his lightsabor flew to him. He slashed at Anakin who fell over the railing onto an ash beach. "What now Anakin? I have the higher ground!"
"You underestimate my power!"
"I dare you to try it!"
"Darth Vader never backs down from a dare! Take this!" He jumped into the air doing flips and spins above Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan yawned and stuck up his lightsabor cutting off Anakin's right arm and both legs. He fell crying onto the beach. He tried desperately to pull himself back up.
"Oh! Who's a weenie now?" he taunted.
"I HATE YOU!"
"Does that mean we're breaking up?" he burst out in tears. "You're so hurtful!"
"You think you're in pain? YOU CUT MY FREAKIN' LEGS OFF!" he screamed.
"I told you not to jump."
"No you didn't you fag! You dared me to do it!'
"And you did it! Nener, nener, nener!"
"Die!" Anakin used all of the force he could muster to make the lava behind him levitate and chase Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan screamed and ran off with his arms flailing. Anakin lay on the ash beach until he heard a huge explosion in the distance.
He chuckled until Obi-Wan walked back up to him. His gay little mind couldn't figure out what happened.
"You missed me!" taunted Obi-Wan.
"AHHHHH!" Anakin threw the arm he had left up into the air in rage, but while doing this he sunk down into the lava. His figure burst into a brilliant flame.
"Oops." Said Obi-Wan looking around and running off.
"MY BALLS ARE ON FIRE!" screamed Anakin. Luckily the now deformed figure of Emperor Palpatine had just landed on the planet and rushed to Anakin's aid.
When Anakin woke up he was strapped to a rising medical table. Steam flowed in front of him. Little droids scurried about around him. He seemed to be looking through sunglasses.
"Wow, nice shades." He exclaimed, to his surprise, his voice was now black and gangsta. "Holy cheese nips! What happened?"
"Lord Vader, can you hear me?" croaked Palpatine.
"Yes I can hear you now make my voice go back!"
"You burned up in a big inferno, now you're a robot."
"I can live with that. Hey, where's Padme?" he asked looking around.
"I am sorry, but in your rage, you killed her."
"Uh, okay. Hey, where's my shiny golden locks?"
"I'm afraid, they were all burned off."
"No, they couldn't have, I felt them!" He tore his arms free and began feeling his head, where his brilliant hair used to be, now he only felt cheap plastic. "NOOOOOOO!" he cried into the darkness.
Meanwhile in a little medical station conveniently located on a nearby moon Padme was giving birth. Obi-Wan found it so fascinating that the doctors let him cut the cord. Padme began to scream as the first baby began to come.
"Mary mother of god!" exclaimed Obi-Wan falling to the floor. Nobody really noticed and just kept on doing what they were doing. The procedure was actually quite short compared to the estimated two hours of labor she was supposed to endure, so they just stood around until Obi-Wan came back to them to great the little children.
Padme held the first born, a boy.
"I want to name him Anakin! For my dear husband that Obi-Wan murdered!" she exclaimed.
"It was an accident!" he persisted.
"I want to name him Anakin!" she screamed.
"Fine! His name can be Anakin. What about the girl?" he handed her the baby girl. She looked own into the watery little eyes and thought deeply for several moments.
"I WANT TO NAME HER ANAKIN TOO!!!!" she yelled.
"You can't name the girl Anakin!" yelled Obi-Wan.
"I hate you Obi-Wan! I'm killing myself!" she yelled grabbing a knife on the tray next to her.
"Don't do that Padme." He said.
"I'm taking Anakin with me!" she yelled madly. She had obviously gone insane as she began laughing maniacally holding the knife above her and the baby.
"Somebody get the child away from her, thank you." Said Obi-Wan as the doctors pulled away the infant. But they were too slow to stop Padme from plunging the knife into her heart.
"Now that she's gone," said Obi-Wan surveying the children, "That one is Luke, and that one is Leia. So shall it be written, so shall it be done."
So basically that's the end of everything. So Padme was all dead and stuff and Anakin thought he was black. Obi-Wan brought Luke with him to Coruscant to live with his step uncle. Obi-Wan just found a little adobe mud hut and lived a peaceful life of meditation, except on Fridays, that's strippers night at the club.
As for Leia, this one king guy from Alderaan that I forgot to talk about took her in and stuff. So she's a princess, Luke is a little slave boy, just like his daddy! Yoda decided to live in a swamp for some reason. He said it was because he needed to go into exile, what a drama queen.
So now children, we see how just a silly little mistake like throwing a Jedi master out the window can affect a lot of people, so think things through before you do them.
STAY IN SCHOOL YOU NERF HERDERS!!