Chapter 11
Coven's Temple, DevonTara watched over her former lover, dabbing Willow's face with a damp cloth to wipe the beads of perspiration from her brow. The shock had been too much, Tara knew, but it had been necessary. Better to see her here, she thought to herself, than to meet in front of everyone.
Tara saw Willow move, ever so slightly, and knew that she would regain consciousness soon. She had no idea what she would say to the redhead, or how to ask the questions that needed to be asked. But she knew that for any resolution to happen, the questions and doubts had to be addressed, here and now. A lot of people had gone to a great deal of trouble to bring them both together once more, and she knew that those people were hopeful of a reunion and a return to what once was. But Tara was hesitant, there was too much to work through, and without some headway, some sign that they could see eye to eye, she would not pretend, no matter how great the need.
Willow slowly opened her eyes, feeling the gentle dabs of a cold cloth on her forehead. Her mind was muddled, and for the briefest of moments, she imagined that the vision she had seen in her room had been just that, an illusion borne out of her melancholy and exhaustion. But as her vision cleared, she saw that in front of her sat Tara, dabbing her brow. This was no illusion, and Willow's eyes soon misted up with tears. She reacted on instinct, embracing Tara and holding her tight against her.
"Is it really you? I've missed you so much!" Willow managed to get the words out in between her sobs. She could feel Tara's arms around her, but the embrace was one of comfort, not of passion. Willow looked at her lover, and saw compassion, warmth, but an unmistakeable distance in her eyes. Willow sat herself back, letting go of Tara as she did so. I don't have the right, not yet, her inner voice whispered.
Tara did her best to smile, but she couldn't hide the tension. "It's me, Willow." She ran her fingers over Willow's face, wiping the tears from her eyes and cheeks.
"But how? Did they use some sort of spell? How did they get you here?"
"The Fey can't die a natural death. If we die through non-magical means, then our spirits don't go to any heavenly or hellish dimension, but to the land of the Fey. There the body heals. But until I came back out of there I had no memory of my past, other than my name."
"So you are one of the Fey?"
"I didn't know I was, not until after I died. That sounds kind of silly, saying "after I died" when I'm right here."
"Didn't they tell you anything?"
"Nothing. They said that it was better for the balance of my emotions that I didn't know. But something kept eating in at me. At the same time every week, in the twilight hours before dark, I would feel this ache in my heart. There was a gazebo at the bottom of the garden, I always felt safe there. Something made it safe. Wasn't until just now I realised what it was. A willow tree hung over it. I was at times quite literally spread beneath it, lying down and asleep. Maybe it was the symbolism that drew me there instinctively." Tara smiled at the internal joke, a reminder of the song she sang to Willow when Sunnydale had been possessed by a demon that forced the inhabitants to sing and dance.
"You missed me then?" Willow's voice was full of hope, full of every wish.
"Not in a conscious way. I didn't remember you, or me. I just felt this pain, a longing. I think my soul missed you." Tara tried her best not to sound cold, but matter of fact. She could tell from Willow's expression that it hadn't quite succeeded.
"So did mine. It always missed you. But I guess I had the memories to deal with too." Willow's voice was full of anguish. She hadn't been remembered, and that stung, even though she understood the explanation. Right now, her head and heart were siphoning different parts of the conversation and were reaching different conclusions.
"If I had remembered, I would have missed you. But part of me missed you, missed the part of you that was here." Tara placed her hand lightly over her chest, pointing to where her heart was, underneath.
"Does it still miss me?" Willow's words were spoken with hesitation, scared to hear the answer but even more terrified of not hearing it.
"Yes." Tara answered once more in a matter of fact manner.
Willow didn't want to seem too eager, so she changed tack, putting her mind back on the situation outside. "So are you back back, or just back to help with this Morgana situation?" Willow couldn't hide the inner begging in her voice, the hope that having found her again, she would not lose the blonde once more.
"I-I'm not sure. That's gonna depend on a few things. Giles told me what happened after I was…."
"Murdered. How much did he tell you?" Willow felt vulnerable; suddenly scared that her past would break the spell of joy she was under.
"He told me you hunted down Warren, that you tortured him, skinned him and burned him, using magic to do it all. Then you tried to kill his two accomplices, almost killing Dawn and all your friends in the process. And then you tried to destroy the world, and would have succeeded if Giles and Xander hadn't stopped you. Did I miss anything out?"
Willow smiled nervously. "No, that's pretty much it. That's what I did. I tried to bring you back. We had just gotten back together and then you were taken from me. I tried to get you back but I couldn't and you were everything to me and I couldn't get you back." Willow could not hold back her tears anymore. All her rage and guilt revealed itself in her tears, causing her to hide her face away from her former lover's gaze.
Tara's heart broke as she watched Willow. She wanted to comfort her, to tell her everything was okay, but she felt now, more than ever, that she needed to speak her mind, and then comfort her lover. "When I went back to you, that night, I told you we had a lot to work through. I never thought for a moment you would have slipped so easily back into using such dark and potent magics. If I had known, I wouldn't have come back to you so soon."
"I would have stopped. I had stopped, but then you were gone and I couldn't cope."
"Will, I came back to you because you showed you could cope without any safety net. I was so proud of you."
"And now?"
"Now I don't know what to think. Will, being upset that I died is one thing. Wanting to find this guy, that I can understand. Wanting some semblance of justice, yes, I understand that too. But what you did, torturing him, skinning him alive, burning him. There is no excuse, no reason for that, Will. That wasn't justice, that wasn't grief that was cruel, selfish vengeance. I saw it in you, that darkness. It was why I left. I thought you were over it, now I wonder if you ever will be."
"But I am over it, mostly. After Xander stopped me on the bluff, Giles brought me here to the Coven. Althanea and the rest of the Order helped me regain my focus. It took a long time, and I'm mostly better." Willow felt like the accused on trial and she was determined to defend her case, if only to show that she was a better person than she had been then.
"It's the mostly that scares me, Will. You weren't that far under the influence of dark magics when you raped my mind, remember?"
"I was a different person then. I was so insecure, so afraid of losing you that I tried to stop you from hating me. I didn't want you to go."
"And yet, you forced me to. After everything Glory did, and you did it out of fear. She was just evil, you should have known better."
"I know. And if I hadn't been so afraid of losing you at that time I would have been a whole different person. You wouldn't have left me, we wouldn't have had that reunion. You wouldn't have been at that window when Warren arrived. You died, and I was the reason."
"Warren was the reason, not you." Tara placed her hand on top of Willow's to reassure her. "We both have our "I wish I had done things differently" wish list. I wish I had spoken up more about your abuse of magic. But you were grieving over Joyce and then we had that argument that led to Glory snacking on my sanity. Then Buffy died and rather than deal with the problems then I decided to remain quiet for the sake of harmony in the home. If I had spoken out then, maybe you wouldn't have fallen so far."
"I don't think I would have listened. I was so obsessed with all the power cos it made me feel special. I was useful to Buffy because of it. I met you because of it. Without the magic, I was nobody."
"You were never a nobody, Will. You were the woman I loved, and that had nothing to do with your magic. Well, not the sorcery kind anyway." Tara gave Willow a flash of her wicked sideways grin that Willow only saw when her mind had thought of something less than wholesome. "Buffy didn't see you as a nobody either. You were a help to her long before you got interested in magic. Giles respected you as an equal and Xander was your best friend. You were your own worst enemy, Will. The only person who saw yourself as nobody was you." Tara's words were angry, but came from an honest place of caring about Willow and she knew that the truth, however painful, needed to be said.
"I wish I had listened to everyone. There is so much of the past I wish I could have done differently." Willow said, almost in defeat.
"The thing about past mistakes Will, is that if you change one you may set yourself on a different path. We may never have met. I might have died thanks to some vampire or demon and become just another Sunnydale statistic. Everything we have done has brought us to this point. I just wish it had been by a less destructive path. But we always get a chance to make amends, Will. You just have to be prepared to take it."
"I almost destroyed the world, so I think I maxed out the destructive quota. And I think I missed my boat on chances."
"We never miss the boat, Will. We just have to wait for the next one."
"Will we make amends?"
"I don't doubt that we will be friends, Will. But as for something more, only time will tell. I don't think I can honestly give you a "yes" or "no" right here and now. I know what my heart wants, but my head is exercising caution and right now, my head is winning."
"At least it wasn't a straight "no". Guess I should be happy for that. I dreamt of this day for five years, Tara. I had everything I was going to say, all the apologies I was going to make. But Giles has told you everything, which has taken the wind out of my sails and now you're not sure if you want to be with me. I had a different ending to this dream." The tears flowed once more down Willow's cheeks.
Tara looked at her. Willow looked defeated, despondent and in despair. "Will, I want the story to happen the way you do. But I need to know it can. I don't want to be hurt again, and I don't want you to be hurt either. We need time, Willow." Tara placed her hand on Willow's once more, squeezing it gently before leaning over and embracing her love. She could feel Willow shake as the tears fell more freely now, as if released by her touch.
Willow did her best to compose herself, trying to fix her mind on the business at hand, knowing that if she dwelled too much on her pain, it would consume her. "Time doesn't seem to be on our side. The women of the Coven seem to think you coming back and being with me is like the Second Coming."
"Yeah, I got that impression too. Not sure I like that. I'm still me, when all is said and done, not some saviour. And if we are to be an item again, it has to be because we both want it, not because other people need it. I'm not going to be in an arranged marriage, even if my bride is you." Tara beamed a smile at Willow, trying to lighten the tone. She could see it hadn't worked.
"So what do we tell the people in there? I have a feeling that "Sorry, you'll have to wait" isn't going to sit with them."
"We have to take it one step at a time, Willow. First we should see what can be done about Morgana, and then we can deal with their prophecy and us. If we can be given time, maybe we could be who they want us to be. But that time is what we need, or we may risk their prophecy as well as each other getting hurt again. I couldn't bear to hurt you again, not if there is really no chance of reconciliation."
"But at least you haven't said "no", that's something for me to cling to."
"Give me time, Will. That's all I ask. I know it's going to be difficult, especially with everything that is going on, but I need the time. I make you one promise though. I won't mislead you."
Willow lowered her head. She felt defeated, reality cutting into her dream reunion with a stark blade. It hurt, but she knew in her heart and her head that Tara had made the logical choice, the only real choice open to them both. She looked up at Tara, and tried her best to smile. The attempt was only a partial success, but it was greeted with a warm smile in return, a smile as much of sympathy as anything else.
Tara could see that Willow was conflicted, as she herself was. It was taking all of her strength not to hold Willow in her arms again and feel her lover against her. But she was resolved in herself that if they were to be a couple, it must be because they can, and they both had a place as lovers in each other's lives, and not because of nostalgia or regret or familiarity. It must be for love, nothing more and nothing less.
Willow knew that if she talked anymore about her feelings or the future she would only cover the same ground, and decided again to put business first. "Did Giles tell you that I am a Watcher now?"
"He mentioned it, yes. I knew you were capable, Will."
"Dawn just qualified as well. Hell of a baptism of fire for her. Especially after the nightmare."
"What Nightmare?" Maternal concern over-rode every emotion in Tara.
"Morgana wanted to control me so she sent a spy, another Watcher, to place some crystal shard under my pillow to start to brainwash me. But they placed it under Dawn's pillow first by mistake. She dreamt of a dove in a field, being attacked by ravens and then she was attacked. Tara she could feel their beaks and claws."
"Is she okay?"
"Yeah, as much as can be expected. She was pretty shaken though. But before we could properly deal with it the spy switched the shard under my pillow and I had the same dream. Except, the dove had your eyes, your voice. When the ravens attacked, I could hear your screams. I got angry and I, I…"
"You went dark again, didn't you?"
Willow nodded, scared to look at Tara as she realised her confession would add extra strain to their reconciliation. "Yes. The dream allowed Morgana to grasp at the darkest part of me. I felt it consume me but I fought it back. Then she launched an attack on Giles' house and I went dark again. I saw the ravens and all I could hear was your scream."
"So Morgana used our relationship to make you use dark power again? Then maybe it isn't safe for either of us to be close." Tara could not hide the tinge of fear in her voice and knew that Willow had heard it too.
Willow leaned forward, placing her hand on Tara's in an attempt to re-assure her. "No, see. She attacked here, just before Michelle called. And I went dark, but I suddenly stopped. I felt this warmth in me, a part of me filling up and I just felt safe. I realise why now. It was you. I must have felt you when you came back. Tara, I went back to normal the moment I felt you."
"I could feel you when I crossed back over here. I saw you, in the room, dark and angry. I cried out to you, I must have gotten through to you." Tara felt relieved that in some small way, she had made a difference, a positive one.
"So you see, Morgana doesn't have any control over me with you around. You protected me, like you always did."
"I always will, Willow, no matter what the future holds for us."
"So, what do we tell Giles and the others?"
"First we explain our situation, then we deal with Morgana, then we get on with our lives, and see if that will be together or not."
"Sounds reasonable to me, although I have a feeling that Althanea and the Coven won't be too impressed."
"They will just have to accept it." Tara's voice was assured and strong. There was no trace of the meek and mild young woman with the stutter that had been before. She was confident and determined, as if her re-birth had been fully literal, taking away the flaws that her upbringing had bestowed in her and allowing her true self, the one that had been hidden by the insecurities and domestic abuse, to shine through.
Willow looked at this woman in front of her, and smiled. She liked Tara this way. She was strong, confident, determined and unflinching. But even in her resolution she could not hide the inner warmth and serenity that had drawn her to her lover so many years ago. Willow's mind floated briefly back to a time before Tara's death, to a time where being together was the definition of bliss. Secretly, she prayed that such a time would come again, and resolved herself to allowing the time for it to happen. She would not attempt to manipulate Tara or force her into a decision on this. If Tara wanted time, time she would have.
Silence descended on both of them. It was awkward, neither knowing what to say next. All circumstances and positions seemed to have been discussed and accounted for. But Willow knew she had no choice, if she wanted a fresh start, there was one more strand of her life to consider, and that was Kennedy.
"What did Giles tell you about relationships since you died?" Willow's voice was thick with apprehension, as if the emotion itself spoke the words, rather than her.
"We don't need to talk about that right now. You were grieving, lonely, and in need of solace. I was gone. Don't feel guilty in trying to find comfort in another. I would never want that, for you to be some lonely old spinster, clinging to the past."
"So you are okay with it then?"
"As far as I know, you are single now. Free to make your own choice. You broke up with her for your own reasons. The past is the past, Will. It won't effect my decision. Although if I ever met this Kennedy I might be less inclined to be so calm, but that is just a possessive thing." Tara smiled her warm, lopsided grin at Willow once more. The tenderness was still there, the love. She held back every instinct to touch Willow. It was not the time, she thought. There was too much at stake for emotions to over-ride her senses.
"We broke up because I couldn't get over you. She could feel it. I tried to move on, but you were still with me, or maybe because a part of me died with you, I couldn't feel enough for another person anymore. But it began to strain things between us, the emotional baggage. Eventually it became bitter. So when you were with the Fey, did you meet anyone?" Willow tried not to sound jealous or needy. She did not succeed.
"No. Not saying it wasn't lonely, or that I didn't have any feelings for anyone. But it never felt right, somehow. Not in a disgusting way cos Goddess knows there were plenty of lesbians in the Order but I couldn't connect and as much as I had needs, I didn't want sex. I wanted to make love and I couldn't love anyone. Plus, mothering is a full-time job and that kept me occupied and too exhausted for much else."
"Willow couldn't hide her shock. "Motherhood? Like a baby?"
"Not mine, no, and not a baby, although she acts like it sometimes. Her name is Heather. She died when she was ten years old and came to us about three years ago. I don't know why or how but we bonded. She was unruly and yet with me she always did what she was told. After a while the other members of the Order just left her discipline and care to me because they had given up. I didn't mind, she is a lovely girl. I am sure you will like her."
"She came through with you?"
"Yes. I promised her I wouldn't leave her, Willow, and I won't. Consider me a package deal. If we do get back together, it will be with a daughter to raise. I know that is pressure on you, but I won't abandon her. So I hope you two get on, because part of us getting together, if we do, is going to depend on that."
"Must admit, I wasn't quite thinking wedding and children so quickly but if we bond and I feel ready, I will tell you."
"Promise me one thing, Will. That you will tell me what you really feel, not what you hope I want to hear."
"I promise, Tara."
Tara stood up and held out her hand to Willow. "I think we should go and tell them our decision. We should start setting our plans in motion. Morgana won't wait. I have a feeling that Lady Nimue knew that."
Willow took her former lover's hand, and felt the electricity of passion spark between them. She looked in Tara's eyes, and smiled. There was strength behind the Blonde's eyes, but also a warmth and a peace that Willow knew she could lose herself in for all eternity and be content.
The two of them, hand in hand, fingers entwined, opened the bedroom door, and walked down the hallway towards Althanea's office. Willow took the lead, feeling the stability from Tara's aura that had been missing in her for so long. They reached the door in moments, as if the spark between them had hastened their steps. Willow opened the door, leading Tara inside, both of them smiling.