Standard disclaimer: All characters and material related to the ER belong to well, I'm guessing here, NBC, various production companies, the writers and all others associated with it. I'm sure they don't belong to me and I won't be making any $.
Ray couldn't believe he was back here again. It was like seeing them through the exam window or at the wedding. When she'd asked for him when she woke up, he'd felt hope. Now he thought it was hope that was going to kill him. Because here he was again, watching her with Gates.
He'd had a terrible morning in Physical Therapy, falling more often than walking. After, he'd struggled with his seated shower. He'd put on his prosthetics, although the phantom pain was bad today. He'd dressed casually, but carefully. He was looking forward to spending time with Neela before he had to see the social worker. She wanted him to start thinking about moving to an apartment and completing his work as an outpatient. He was terrified that he wasn't ready to live on his own yet.
As he stopped in the doorway, he thought that a man with better judgment and a stronger sense of self-preservation would turn around and call up Katey Alvaro or any one of the many willing women of his acquaintance. Unfortunately, he was Ray Barnett and even now he couldn't imagine looking at Neela without being filled with the same desperate longing he'd been feeling for what seemed like years. So, cursing himself for an idiot, he wheeled himself through the doorway and tried to sound normal, cheerful even, as he said, "Hi, Neela. Hi, Tony. Is this a bad time?"
"Hi, Ray. No, this is good. I've got great news they're moving me out of ICU today. Lucien told me this morning."
"That's terrific," Ray hoped he sounded more enthusiastic than he felt. Was he going to need to make small talk with her and Gates for the next hour?
Neela noticed how good Ray looked this morning, more like himself. He was dressed in jeans and a T shirt, the green one she liked because it did something to bring out his eyes. She tried to look in those eyes to see if she could tell what he was thinking, but he wouldn't meet her gaze. She didn't want him to leave, but she wanted Tony gone. "Tony was leaving."
Tony smiled down at her, put his hand on her shoulder and squeezed. "Catch you later, Neela." He acknowledged Ray with a brief nod as he left the room.
"That wasn't what it looked like, Ray."
Ray had wheeled himself next to the bed. He sighed and then he did look at her. "So, Neela, are you ready to tell me what it is? And what we are? Or what, if anything, you'd like us to be? Because I think I need to know. I've got a lot of decisions to make about my life and it would help if I had some idea of how you feel about me, Neela. Because, God help me, I think I still love you."
Now Neela wished he hadn't looked at her. He looked so defeated and sad and she thought it was one more thing she could feel guilty about. How could they ever work? And yet, she knew she wanted this to work. But she was so bad at talking about how she was feeling. She thought about all the mistakes she'd made since, well, since she got married to Michael really. She was afraid if she confessed them all and Ray knew everything, he'd be absolutely disgusted with her.
"Now would be a good time to say something, Neela."
She couldn't think of what to say so she focused on the last thing Ray had said, which hadn't been 'I love you'. She asked, "You think you still love me, but you don't know?"
"I think I still love you, even though I've felt incredibly angry at you. And, by the way, congratulations, because once again I see that we're talking about how I feel about you. I think I asked for some information about how you feel about me."
"I feel guilty, Ray."
"Guilty about what?"
"Where to start, Ray? I feel guilty that I let you leave that wedding and that you were checking my message when you had your accident. I feel guilty that you lost both your legs. I feel guilty that every time, like at the wedding, like today, when I'm trying to get Tony to leave me alone it looks like something else when you arrive." She started to cry, but she just kept talking; she was afraid if she stopped she'd never find the courage to say any of it again. He deserved to know it all; maybe it was the only thing she could do for him now, to try to explain. "I feel guilty that after the last time you kissed me, because you were so patient, I let you wait weeks while I delayed telling Tony that we were done; that he was never that important to me. I feel guilty about Meg that I hurt her and Sarah so much and for something that didn't really matter to me at all. But mostly I feel guilty about Michael, because I thought I loved him but how much could I have loved him when I kept living with you and I loved living with you and I wanted you so much I had to leave in the middle of the night before I did something crazy. And I didn't even explain; I drove off in a taxi. I feel guilty that when Michael died and you came up to the roof and for months afterward, I pushed you away. I pushed you away because I wanted to have you hold me so tight. I'm a terrible person, Ray and you deserve someone better. I don't even know if I can love anybody; I married Michael and I really didn't know him. I'm bad at this Ray. Katey called me selfish and she was right. In spite of everything I just told you, if I could have anything in the world, it would be you, Ray. I want you, and I want things between us to be like they used to be. I want to watch devil movies and have you cook for me or order take away. I want to see if we could work because I know I love you, Ray." Neela finally stopped, out of breath and terrified.
Ray was trying to hand her a tissue, a wad of them, actually. She must look as awful as she felt and now she couldn't meet his gaze. "Neela, please, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you cry. You're not a terrible person; you're a terrific person. But, God, Neela, did you have to store that all up for so long? Couldn't you have tried telling me that a little at a time? I don't know what to say to you; I need a little time to process here."
Neela wiped her eyes and blew her nose. After the wedding and before she knew about the accident, she'd found herself daydreaming of romantic reunion scenes when she and Ray could finally talk about how they really felt. None of them were anything like this. After she felt a little more human, she looked over at Ray. More than anything he looked puzzled, but he started talking.
"I won't lie to you, Neela. After my accident I did blame you. I don't think I was right to blame you, but I felt that way. Now I know it was an accident. Besides that, blame doesn't matter."
"Ray, I wish... if I could go back, I'd change things."
"Me, too. But we can't. Nothing can change what happened. I'm glad I'm still here and I'm really glad you're still here. When I heard about your accident, I was terrified. I knew that, more than anything, I wanted you in the world. I can't imagine a world without you in it; I can't imagine my life without you in it. I loved living with you, too. Although, having you right there sometimes felt like an exquisite form of torture. You were right to move out when you did. I didn't like it, but I understood it."
"You have no idea how many times I wanted to call you or just go back to our apartment."
"Yes, I think I do. But we can't ever go back, Neela. My life is a mess. I don't know if I'm ever going to walk again or be able to work again. You think I deserve better than you? I'm a mess, Neela."
"Ray, please don't say that. Right now you can't walk; maybe you will never walk again but that doesn't change who you are. Or I hope you won't let it change who you are. You still know everything you knew and that's what makes a doctor."
"But you know, as well as anyone, what kind of physical demands the job makes on you. I'm not sure it's realistic to think that I can do it now. I'm so damn tired, most of the time, you have no idea."
"Ray, of course you're tired. You've been here and worried about me instead of resting or worrying about your own recovery. But they really think I'm going to be fine, and now I'm going to help you."
"Neela, I don't want to be your patient. I want... things I'm monstrously selfish to want. Who in her right mind would saddle herself with me? I can't do anything! I don't see how we can ever make this work. I wish it could, but I don't see how."
"How about one step at a time?"
"With no legs, that's a little difficult." Ray smiled that smile that was impossible to resist, "But does this mean you'll have dinner with me tonight?"