Disclaimer: I do not own any aspect of Neon Genesis: Evangelion. That belongs to GAINAX and Mr. Anno.
(August 18th, 2007, Katsuragi Residence: 10:45)
'I can't believe Misato ditched us.' Thought Shinji to himself as he stared at the baby in the living room. He glanced at Asuka and noticed that the usually confident girl was unsure of what to do.
"So… What the hell are we supposed to do with it?" She inquired.
"I'm not too sure.." Shinji mumbled, "I've never really took care of a baby before."
Not knowing what to do, Asuka began poking the baby's face as if she was half expecting it to be dead. The baby looked at her with a blank expression for a second before beginning a torrent of crying.
"AAAAAAAAAAA!!"
"Crap!" Asuka yelped as she jumped back at the sound of the baby wailing.
"What was that for?!" said Shinji as the baby's crying began to increase in volume.
"Sorry I-" Asuka began before realizing she was apologizing, "Well, um, you should have warned me!"
"Sorry I-" Shinji began before realizing he was apologizing for something he had no hand in, "Wait a minute! I don't have to apologize, you were the one who stabbed it in the face with your finger!"
"That doesn't matter!" Asuka snapped, "How do we make it stop?!"
Asuka saw Shinji's mouth moving but couldn't hear anything he said over the baby's cries of displeasure. As Shinji continued to rant inaudibly, Asuka looked around the kitchen. She put her hands on her forehead in frustration and began to panic.
"Uhh…" Asuka said as her mind began to race, 'that's it!' She snapped her fingers and ran out of the living room. Quickly, she darted to the kitchen and came back with a bag of crackers. Instantly the crying stopped and the baby looked at Asuka with a look of curious interest. The only noise in the room was Shinji, who had apparently been talking to himself under the baby's deafening wail. He immediately felt uncomfortable and shut up.
"Asuka, that's brilliant." Shinji said, seeing the bag of food in Asuka's hand.
"Huh?" Asuka asked as she opened up the bag and began eating its contents, "Yea, I figured I needed something to eat if-"
"AAAAAAAAA!!!"
Asuka was soon cut off by another stream of steady wailing. The baby was obviously upset that he had been tricked into thinking he was going to get a treat.
Shinji couldn't take it anymore. Without even think thinking, he grabbed the bag from Asuka's grip and offered the baby one of the crackers.
"Hey!! That's mine you baka!!" Shouted Asuka as she grabbed a handful of Shinji's hair with one hand and began pounding the side of his head with the other.
"Ow!" Shinji yelled as the bag of crackers fell out of his grasp and spilled all over the floor of the living room.
"You're gonna pay for those you asshole!" Asuka screamed.
"But I did pay for those." Shinji tried to reason. Under the hail of fists from the German girl, Shinji could only do one thing. He ended up blocking every single one of the punches with his face.
As the two teens were on the ground fighting (Shinji continuing to absorb all Asuka's attacks with his face), the baby sat up and giggled at them. As it turned it's small head, it saw a rather peculiar sight. The baby was face to face with the residential warm water penguin of the Katsuragi household, Pen Pen.
Pen Pen quickly lost interest in the baby and waddled his way over to the spilled crackers. Amongst the shouts of two fourteen year olds, he feasted on the snack food spilled across the living room floor. The baby's curiosity was piqued and it crawled over to study the strange bird. It picked up one of the crackers and Pen Pen promptly used his beak to pluck it out of the infant's hand. The baby giggled as the penguin gulped down the morsel greedily.
"And if you ever snatch something from me again I swear I'll-" Asuka said she pounded Shinji's face, stopped by the fact that Shinji no longer seemed interested in the ass kicking and was now looking at the living room.
She turned her head and was shocked to see a naked baby feeding crackers to a penguin. For a moment she felt her heart melt.
"Asuka…"
"Yea…"
"Could you get off me?"
"Huh?"
Asuka looked down to find that sometime during her assault, she had mounted Shinji to get a better shot at his face.
"Oh, sorry" she said quickly, a she slid off and sat on the floor, going back to watching the baby.
"No, it's my fault." Shinji replied as he sat up.
For another minute, they sat and watched Pen Pen being pampered by the baby.
"What was her name again?" Asuka said in a much softer tone than she usually used with Shinji.
"Kiku."
"Hey baka."
"Yea?"
"Go get me another back of chips." Asuka demanded, her voice regaining its harshness.
Shinji sighed and went into the kitchen to fulfill the demand. Asuka simply sat and waited for Shinji to get back. She sighed and laid back. She didn't like to admit it, but beating up Shinji was a lot more tiring than she makes it seem. She was contemplating going into the kitchen to see what was taking him so long when she felt something on her foot.
She bolted back up her a sitting position and found Kiku examining her toes. Asuka smiled and wiggled her toes. Kiku seemed to take the gesture as an invitation and proceeded to close her mouth around the toes and begin sucking on them.
"Eww! Why you little piece of turd!" She yelled as she raised her hand to slap the baby into next week.
"Gah?" The baby replied as she lifted her mouth off Asuka's feet, and creating a few strings of saliva. She looked up at Asuka with an innocent look on her face.
Asuka sighed as she lowered her hand and looked at the Kiku. Something about her expression made it hard for the often times violent redhead to hurt her.
"Fine," Asuka said with a fake air of disgust, "you can have the toes, I never really liked them anyways."
She closed her eyes and crossed her arms, expecting the toe sucking to continue. However she gasped in surprise when she felt a small warm body crawl onto her lap and hug itself into her body. A strange emotion made its presence felt and Asuka found herself strangely relaxed and uncomfortable at the same time. Unsure of herself, she nervously placed her arms around Kiku's back and held her in an awkward embrace. Kiku gurgled her approval and rested in her lap.
"Hey Asuka," Shinji said as he came back from the kitchen, abruptly ruining his roommate's moment of serenity, "I'm not sure where you hid all the chips because I couldn't find them, so I made us some tea instead."
Oblivious of Asuka's rising temper and the rising danger level in the room, Shinji set down the tray and poured two cups of tea. Asuka muttered thanks as she accept a cup with one hand, and cradled Kiku with the other.
'Hmm…' thought Asuka, 'I wonder why he hasn't said anything about why I'm holding Kiku. Maybe he just hasn't noticed yet. That idiot can be pretty damn clueless at times.'
Shinji raised his tea to his lips and was about to take a sip but froze. It had just dawned on him that a helpless baby was in the arms of the self proclaimed Great Asuka Langley Sohryu. The same Asuka Langley Sohryu who had kicked the crotch of numerous men and never hesitated to beat the crap out of Shinji. He didn't know whether it was sweet or scary. His brain decided it was both and Shinji found himself with an uneasy smile on his face.
'Ha! He noticed!" Asuka smiled devilishly as she put down her tea and wrapped both her arms around Kiku. Panic began to flash on Shinji's face and he was sweating profusely.
"Uh… Asuka… What are you doing?" Shinji asked slowly.
Asuka's smile only grew as she tightened her embrace on the infant and lowered her head so that Shinji couldn't get a clear view of the child.
"No… You wouldn't." Shinji gasped.
"What's the matter Shinji?" Asuka said as her hand snaked up the baby's neck and stopped on its head, "Don't you trust me?"
"Asuka, whatever you're thinking," Shinji began nervously, " don't do it. You wouldn't hurt a baby… would you?"
Asuka seemed to consider this question for a moment.
'The baka's falling for it,' she thought to herself, 'the idiot actually thinks I'd hurt this baby.'
"Well that depends Shinji." Asuka said in a way that was very innocent but was dripping with evil, "Do you remember that money you showed me last night?"
Shinji gulped. He knew where this was heading. Most likely, Asuka would blackmail Shinji with the baby for the money the man at the park had given him. He began forming a desperate plan.
"Yea." He said, voice cracking a bit, "What about it"
"Well…" Asuka purred in her sickeningly sweet voice, "I was just thinking… maybe you could go be a friend and share it with me…"
Shinji frowned as Asuka attempted to look innocent. He knew what she meant when she said 'sharing'. Suddenly an idea popped into his head.
"Forget it Asuka," Shinji said flatly.
"What!?" Asuka shouted after a moment of shock.
Shinji was about to piss his pants as he comprehended what he was about to do next.
"Sides," Shinji said, feigning indifference, "What're you gonna do about it?"
Asuka froze in surprise. She hadn't expected him to say that to her.
'Shit!' Asuka thought, 'That little bastard's got me! Quick, I can't let him know I'm stumped.'
"Ok." Asuka said with a grin, throwing off Shinji.
"What?!"
The room was at a stalemate. Asuka wanted the money in Shinji's pocket and Shinji wanted to free Kiku from Asuka's grasp. Shinji sighed and made the next move in what had become an elaborate chess game.
"I know," said Shinji, "let's use some of that money on Kiku."
Asuka looked confused.
"What the hell if she gonna do with it?" She said.
"Well," said Shinji, "I meant we could use it to buy her some clothes and stuff. If you haven't noticed, she's completely naked."
Asuka looked down and saw, much to her dismay, that Shinji was quite correct.
"Fine, let's go." Replied Asuka.
She abruptly stood up, waking up the baby that had fallen asleep some time during the conversation. Kiku erupted in a glorious display of wailing.
"Oops."
Shinji panicked at the sound of Kiku's crying and, with out thinking, sprang up to rescue the infant.
"Kiku!"
"What the hell?! Get away from me freak!"
"Oomph!"
Shinji groaned as Asuka shoved him back to the ground with her foot. Suddenly the crying stopped and Kiku giggled. A broad smile cracked on Asuka's features.
"You like that Kiku?" she cooed as she stomped on Shinji's foot.
"OW!"
This brought more giggles out of the baby.
'You know…' Asuka grinned at Kiku, 'I think I'm starting to like you.'
(August 18th, 2007, Unknown Location: 11:31)
In a darkened room, two monoliths appeared. The numbers 01 and 04 were faintly illuminated and cast a tinge of red light on the barren floor.
"I heard there is a problem with the delivery." Said 01 in a cold voice.
"Yes," Answered the monolith entitled 04, "Apparently, one of the scientists creating the package found out about its true purpose."
A deadly silence surrounded the room, creating a ridiculous amount of tension. Finally, the silence was broken by an emotionless voice.
"Does anyone else know?" questioned 01.
"Only the delivery men." Answered 04, "I have Tanako leading them. He's been doing a great job so far. In fact, he managed to capture some Nerv agents that were hiding in the park. I'm confident that he will be able to retrieve the package."
04 silence himself immediately and cursed silently. He had let it slip that the package had indeed been lost. 01, however, had already suspected this.
"So I understand that you don't know where the package is." Said 01 coolly.
"Well," 04 began with a hint of nervousness in its voice, "my men reported that they had seen no one at the park besides themselves, the Nerv agents, and a mentally disabled boy."
A long silence grew from these words.
"Very well," 01 said finally, "search Tokyo-3's database for mentally handicapped boys, question the Nerv agents, and retrieve the package."
Without waiting for a response, the monolith known as 01 disappeared. 04 followed suit, eager to retire for the night.
(August 18th, 2007, Tokyo-3: 11:40)
"Hurry up baka!"
Shinji cringed as he followed the redheaded girl down the sidewalk to the subway system. They had decided to go across town to buy some things for the baby. Asuka was a step ahead of Shinji, busy making a list of what the baby would need. Though she would prefer buying things for herself, the idea of going shopping again pleased her greatly.
Shinji stumbled along with a makeshift sling around his neck. Asuka had tied two ends of a blanket together to create an ethical way of transporting Kiku around town. Kiku had made herself quite comfortable in the sling and had dozed off during the walk.
Asuka was furiously scribbling away at her list and Shinji was slightly out of breath as they both entered the subway system.
"So what exactly are we buying?" Ask Shinji they entered a train and took their seats.
"Well," Asuka replied, "first we need clothes, then we can get it a cradle, maybe a stroller, some baby powder, some diap-"
"What about food?" Shinji asked, cutting her off.
Asuka looked like she was about to yell at him but stopped and looked over her list.
"Oh yea." She remarked as she wrote some more, "Good idea."
Shinji smiled. He expected nothing short of getting cussed out, but instead was complimented.
'Maybe that baby is having a good effect on her.' Shinji thought to himself, 'Hmm… why does it feel like people are staring at me…"
The fact of the matter was, a lot of people were staring at him. Asuka picked up on this too and quickly realized why he was getting so much attention. Not a lot of 14 year olds traveled around the city with a baby.
"Hey," a girl Shinji's age said to him, "is that baby yours?"
"Um, sort of." Shinji replied, blushing. He looked to Asuka for help but found her with a smirk on her face. Shinji knew he was on his own.
'Let's see you get yourself out of this baka.' thought Asuka as she chuckled to herself.
"Are you the mom?" asked the girl, turning to Asuka.
"WHAT!? No! What makes you think I'd have a kid with an idiot like him!?" She fumed.
Asuka stood up, fully intending to make the girl pay for her offending words. Suddenly she felt a gentle tug on her fingers. She turned around, expecting to slap Shinji in the face for touching her but instead, saw that Kiku had reached out of her haven and grabbed her baby finger.
Shinji though he saw the ghost of a smile on Asuka's face before she turn around and yelled at the girl who had offended her earlier. He sighed as she sat back down grumbling about people minding their own business. The rest of the ride was in silence but he noticed that Kiku's hand was still firmly grasping Asuka's baby finger and Asuka had made no move to remove the baby's hand. Shinji smiled and enjoyed the minute of peace.
(August 18th, 2007, Katsuragi Residence: 10:12 p.m.)
"Misato! We're home!"
Misato was currently in the kitchen downing a few beers in the presence of her penguin. After finishing up some paperwork at Nerv, she had come home to find a note from Shinji stating that he and Asuka were going downtown to get things for the baby.
'Well, at least they didn't kill it yet.' Thought Misato before she answered, "Hey Asuka, what'd you guys get?"
She gasped as she saw Asuka enter the apartment, being followed by what appeared to be a large box that made strange grunting noises.
"Hurry up baka." Asuka said, addressing the box.
"Tell me again why I had to carry this all the way from the other side of the city?" The box replied.
"Because they wouldn't let us on the subway with that thing." Asuka said as she dropped her bags onto the table and removed the sling that was around her neck, "Here Misato."
Asuka handed Misato the sling. She promptly opened it up to reveal a sleeping Kiku.
"Can someone give me a hand? I don't think I can last much longer." Said the box as it began to tremble.
"Oh quit your complaining," Asuka retorted, "You should be glad that I decided to walk with you."
Shinji groaned as he dropped the box onto the floor and collapsed.
"Well Misato, I think I'm gonna take a bath and go to sleep," Asuka said, facing her guardian, "In that first bag, there's some new clothes and diapers, the second one has her baby powder and wipes, and the third bag has some baby food and toys. Anyways, I'll see you tomorrow morning, take good care of Kiku."
Misato just stared as Asuka turned around and made her way to the bathroom, picking up some a fresh shirt and some underwear from her room on the way.
'Since when was she a baby expert.' Misato mused.
"I think I'm going to go to bed too Misato," Said a very tired looking Shinji who was picking himself up off the floor, "I promise I'll set this up tomorrow."
Shinji pointed to the large box. Misato responded by simply nodding. Shinji then stumbled into his room, closing the door behind him. Misato got out of her seat with Kiku in her arms and strolled up to the enormous box in her living room.
"What's this?" Misato mused as she read the label, "Hmmm… A complete baby set that includes a cradle, a stroller, and a highchair…"
Misato went back to the kitchen, opening the fridge to get another beer. As she sat at the kitchen table, she set the infant down on her lap. She looked into the baby's face and studied its peaceful slumber. Misato finished her beer and smiled.
'Maybe this is it,' Misato thought to herself, 'maybe this is what we need to bring this family together.'
Omake:
"So…" said Shinji, "How exactly do you change a baby's diaper?"
Asuka shrugged. They had been walking home from the other side of Tokyo-3 when a foul odor caught the attention of Shinji's nose.
"Umm... put some baby powder on it." Said Asuka.
"Like this?" asked Shinji as he spilled white powder all over the baby, "Uh oh, maybe we should have wiped first."
Asuka groaned. They were getting nowhere.
"Wait…" She began as an idea popped into her head, "we're in a park right?"
Shinji looked around.
"Yea, why?"
"Most parks have a pond right?"
"Asuka, no."
"Why not?"
"Do you realize that people come to this park and dip their feet into that pond?"
"So?"
Shinji sighed in defeat.
"Fine."
Shaking his head, Shinji picked up the naked Kiku and dipped her into a pond they had found in the middle of the park. He began attracting stares as people stopped doing whatever they were doing and watched him clean the baby in the pond. Some people dipping their feet noticed and immediately jumped away from the water. Finally, Shinji took Kiku in his am and left the water.
"Look mommy! Watch me dive into the water!" a little boy yelled as he ran by Shinji and towards to the exact spot Shinji had cleaned Kiku.
Shinji heard a splash.
"Uh oh…."
Author's Notes: Muwhahah, bet you didn't think I'd update this fast. Thanks everyone who commented on the first chapter. This one seemed kind of like a filler but I thought it was necessary to show how everyone in the household will react to the baby. Don't worry though, this story definitely has a direction and the action will pick up again soon. This chapter actually took me a few hours so if I can keep up this pace, you can expect updates every couple of weeks. Btw, I had originally planned for Shinji, Toji, and Kensuke to be the main characters of the story. It was originally planned to be called 'Three Stooges and a Baby'. By changing the main characters, I kind of threw away my old plotline and am starting over from scratch. Anyways, keep reviewing; it's helping me a lot. I'm still a beginner and this is a learning process.
Thanks for the reviews everyone!