Holy Tears - by MadMidgetTwins

We've been reading some amazing fictions on here for a while so we'd thought we'd attept at one. Our first fiction, so comments are loved!!

Chapter 4

Rating: K +

Summary: With only 2 months left of Dean's time, Sam is getting desperate to find a way of getting Dean out of it, in the meantime sending as many demons back to hell as they can. But something is happenning to Sam neither of them can explain.

Disclaimer: We do not own supernatural or the characters Sam and Dean...unfortunately...or Bobby at that matter

It was like a silent explosion. The sound, the feeling of waiting to know whether a loved one was alive or dead.

Empty. Cold. Numb.

Dean had forgotten that the hospital felt like that. He had forgotten what it felt like to have his brother's blood on his hands, his dying body in his arms. He had forgotten what it felt like to know that his brother could die at any moment. No. That part was a lie. He felt that every day.

Dean paced the waiting room. He wondered why they had chairs in there. Did anyone ever sit on them? He could hear the dull ringing from the phone as he tried to contact Bobby. He didn't even know what to say.

"Dean?" came the somewhat astonished voice of Bobby.

"Bobby," began Dean, "its…its Sam…he… oh my god Bobby…I just went to get some beers…and….and then…he was just sitting there….what have I done? It's all my fault…it's…"

"Hold on Dean, slow down," said Bobby. "Where are you? What happened?"

"Sam, he tried to – " Dean began. He couldn't even say the words, as though saying them gave them more permanence…made it seem more real. "I'm at the hospital."

The first thing he saw was the knife, then his little brother sitting in a pool of his own blood.

The silence was deafening.

The 12-pack of beer crashed to the floor as Dean knelt down beside Sam. The knife was held loosely in his right hand, and large gashes covered both his wrists.

"Sam!" he yelled into the silence, as he shook Sam's jacket.

Silence. Numbing silence.

"Oh God Sam no!" he yelled. "NO! Don't you dare do this to me! Not now!"

The silence broke. Sam let out a groan.

"Sammy?" said Dean, lifting his brother's head slightly so he could stare directly into his eyes. His eyes opened just enough so that a tear could roll slowly down his pale cheek. "It's ok, I'm gonna get you to a hospital ok? You're gonna be fine."

He ran to the bathroom and grabbed a towel. If he could just stop the bleeding. He wrapped towels around both his wrists though he knew it wouldn't do much. "Damn it Sam! What the hell where you thinking!?" Dean hastily dialed 911 and waited for a response. "An ambulance! I need an ambulance now!" What was he doing? He'd get there quicker than they would waiting for an ambulance to get there. He walked over to Sam and awkwardly lifted him onto his back. "Come on, lets get you out of here."

There was blood everywhere.

"Dean? Dean are you there?"

Those moments would be forever imprinted on his mind.

"Dean!"

Dean cleared his throat. "Yea, Bobby, I'm here. Just get here as soon as you can would you?"

"I'm on my way," said Bobby. He didn't sound half as scared as Dean felt. Dean continued to pace the room. He had only arrived ten minutes ago. He had been surrounded by nurses and doctors as they hastily rushed Sam away, and forced Dean into some small room with a couch and a picture of a fish wearing a bow tie.

So far he had heard nothing of his condition. Nothing.

The thing that was bothering Dean the most was why? Why would Sam want to get out? To leave? To escape? Sure they'd had one hell of a day, but his brother didn't give up that easily. He was stronger than that. A fighter. Did he somehow think that he was helping Dean by doing this? Did he think maybe it would get him out of the deal? Or was he just tired. Tired of fighting, to find a way of getting Dean out of the deal, of escaping his destiny…..of everything.

If…no, when….Sam got through this….he would know.

-------

The sun was shining a beautiful gold. The laughter of children filled the air, mixed with the sound of birds and the smell of grass.

Sam Winchester was lying on a park bench, looking at the sky. He sat up abruptly. What the? He pulled up his sleeves and saw his wrists were fine. Perfect. He was healthy. In fact, he felt more alive than he had felt in a long time.

Then he recognized the park he was in. It was the park he had met Jessica. The park that held so many happy memories with her. Lying on the grass in Summer, walking along the twisting paths cuddled together. He had planned to propose to her here. It all seemed like another life now.

And then he saw her. Jessica was walking towards him, looking more beautiful than he could remember. The last time he had seen her she had been burning on the roof of their apartment. Well, he had seen her stood on the side of the road once but that wasn't her.

"Hi, Sam," she said. Her voice seemed distant, though she was stood only a few feet away. Something about her didn't seem real. She couldn't be real. Where was he?

"Am I dead?" Sam asked suddenly. Jessica smiled and Sam felt a knot in his chest. He missed that smile. That smile of comfort, of warmth, of love.

"No," she said.

"Where am I?' asked Sam. "How can you be here?"

"You are dying Sam," said Jessica abruptly. "You don't belong here. You have lives to save. You need to fight, and get back to the real world." Sam stared into her eyes. He was tired of fighting. Dean was going to die soon, he didn't want to be there alone. He didn't want to turn evil alone.

"What if I don't want to fight?" asked Sam. "The world doesn't need me."

"Your brother does."

-------

Bobby practically ran into Dean as he came down the hospital corridor.

"Bobby?" said Dean. "Thank God." Dean lent forward and hugged Bobby, who was merely stood there momentarily stunned. "They won't tell me anything, I don't know what's going on, or how he is or anything."

"It's ok Dean," said Bobby, trying to calm Dean down. "You just have to let the doctors do their thing. Just sit down for a minute and tell me what happened ok?" Dean nodded and sat down in the nearest chair and took a swig from his flask.

"Umm, well I went to get beer you know?" said Dean, trying to be calm. "When I got back he was just…just lying there….and….he….he tried to kill himself Bobby. How could he do that?" Bobby didn't really know what to say. He had to think of something to make Dean feel better.

"I'm sure he'll be fine Dean," said Bobby, though he knew that it wasn't looking good. He didn't dare ask Dean how Sam had tried to kill himself, how long Sam had been alone, he knew Dean couldn't bear it.

"But…there was so much blood Bobby," whispered Dean. Then he stood up quickly. "I have to see how he is." Before Bobby even got a chance to suggest otherwise Dean had already found a doctor to interrogate "Where's my brother? I want to know how he is."

"I'm sorry sir," said the doctor, "but I don't know. What's his name? Maybe I can find something out for you?"

"It's ok doctor," said Bobby who had just arrived at Dean's side. "We can wait."

"No we can't, where is he?" demanded Dean. Bobby just stared at Dean. He grabbed him by the arm and tried to force him away from the doctor. Bobby knew Dean wasn't thinking straight. He was confused, and scared. The only thing on Dean's mind was his brother. He wasn't thinking about the fact that there was most likely going to be a psychological consult, possibly police involved, who knows? But there was no way that the news of Sam Winchester trying to commit suicide would stay quiet. Then Dean would be screwed. Dean hadn't thought this through. In fact, coming to a hospital was the worst idea Dean could have made, especially with the amount of demons still out there. What if one of the doctors where possessed? Then what? Or worse, both Dean and Sam where vulnerable to demonic possession, it wouldn't take much for that to be so.

Bobby was the one that had to keep everything together.

-------

"So, is this all in my head?" Sam asked Jess.

"In a sense, yes," Jess replied. "More like your minds final battle to stay alive. It's up to you to decide whether your mind dies with your body."

"I don't understand," said Sam, looking around the beautiful park. Jessica stood in front of him. It was almost perfect…almost. The only thing missing was his brother. "Dean didn't even recognize me anymore in the real world. I don't have anything to go back to."

"Yes you do Sam," said Jessica softly. "Don't you see? It's not what you don't have, it's what you are leaving behind. It's about what will happen if you are gone….what do you think will happen to your brother if you are not there to guide him?"

"Guide him?" repeated Sam. "No, I was always dragging him down. He was the one that always had to help me, not the other way around."

"You don't get it do you Sam?" said Jessica. "He's always needed you. He's only the carer, the protector…the savior that he is because of you. Who would he be if he didn't have you to protect?" Sam hadn't really though about that before. "Maybe I should show you?"

In what seemed like a second Sam was stood in a graveyard. It was cold, dark, and empty, except for one man. The figure was sat next to a headstone drinking from a bottle of whiskey. It was only as Sam walked closer that he realized it was Dean, sitting beside his grave.

"Happy Birthday Sammy," Dean said pouring a bit of whiskey onto the dirt. Sam could see the tears on Dean's face. "You know, I was your age when we first started hunting together? Funny…..how time flies." Dean took another swig of whiskey. He looked worn, tired, and a lot older than the last time Sam had seen him. "Mandy left me today. Said I drink too much, spend more time here than I do with her. But what does she know right? You're the only one that ever really knew me." Dean just sat there staring at the headstone. Sam could clearly see the words 'loving brother' stand out in the night. He wondered what his funeral would have been like. In fact, he was surprised that he even had a grave. Their dad didn't have a grave.

"Dean?" Sam whispered as he walked over to his brother.

"He can't hear you Sam," said Jessica from behind him. Dean took another swig from the bottle that was almost empty.

"What are you showing me?" Sam asked.

"The future," said Jessica. "Your brother will end up an alcoholic, he'll stop hunting. He'll give up Sam. Now do you really think that he doesn't need you?"

"But he's alive," said Sam. "If I go back then that would be his head stone instead of mine, and I'll probably become who I'm supposed to be."

"Who you're supposed to be is a brother," said Jess. "You've always been a fighter Sam. Why have you now decided to give up so easily?" Sam was quiet for a moment. The silence was broken by Dean's voice.

"You know I've been asking myself," said Dean, "why I didn't just do another deal to bring you back? But I figured that's not what you wanted right? I should just let you have your way for a change. I doubt they would have let me get you back anyway. I just….I miss you so much man, and I just want you to know….that…..that you were the best hunter I've ever seen. And I'm not just saying that for the hell of it, because it's your birthday, but I really mean it. You were a good hunter Sam, and I was always to stubborn to admit it. My pain in the ass little brother…a good hunter? You didn't go crazy like me, you always took in the facts, the details, kept me under control, and somehow you kept calm even if you knew we were screwed. So I thought you should know. And seeing as it's your birthday, I thought it was time that I gave you this." Dean took off the amulet that he always wore. Sam had never seen him take it off before, except for when the shape shifter took it. Dean lifted up a bit of dirt and buried the amulet right in front of Sam's headstone. "Happy birthday little brother."

A tear rolled down Sam's cheek.

The sky turned an ever greyer colour, and it began to rain. Funny….how it always seemed to be raining. Then Sam felt a sharp pain in his chest. He fell to the floor.

"What's happening?" said Sam, his brother in front of him coming in and out of focus

"You are letting go," said Jessica. "Fight Sam, you must fight!"

He saw a flash of Dean, running towards him, being held back by nurses.

Don't you die on me dammit! Don't you die on me!

"Dean?" said Sam into the cold air.

Sam!

Bobby was crying.

-------

"We need help in here!" came a yell from nearby. A nurse had opened up a door and yelled out. He could hear beeping sounds and hurried footsteps. The doctor Dean was talking to ran into the room. Dean followed but did not enter at first. There was only a small circle of glass to see through into the room in front.

His brother was lying on the table, surrounded by doctors, nurses and machines.

"Sam!" Dean yelled, and burst into the room. He felt a hand grab his arm, but knowing it was Bobby shook him off. "Sam!" Dean yelled again. Several nurses came over to him.

"Excuse me sir, but you can't be in here," said one of them.

"That's my brother! What going on? What's happening?!" he yelled. Machines were beeping everywhere.

"We're losing him," said one of the doctors.

"No we're not," said another one, shocking his brother.

The room seemed quiet. Dean felt like he couldn't breathe. His brother's broken body was lying in front of him, being shocked over and over in pathetic attempts to bring him back.

Empty. Cold. Numb.

"That's it, I'm calling it," said one of the doctors.

"No!" Dean yelled, running towards his brother, but several nurses held him back. "Don't you die on me dammit! Don't you die on me!" He was so close, he couldn't be gone. He couldn't be dead. He was right in front of him. Dean felt if he could just hold him, then maybe he couldn't let go. Sam couldn't die. Not again. "Sam!"

Bobby was stood in the doorway, a tear trickling down his face.

Then as soon as it had all began, the monitor showing a flat line showed a pulse.

His brother was alive.

"We've got a rhythm," said one of the doctors again. "I don't understand it but he's still with us." The doctor turned to the nurses holding Dean. "Get him out of here." The nurses forced Dean towards the door.

"Please wait out here," said one nurse.

"Let the doctors do their job Dean," said Bobby, leading him away from the room. "It's up to Sam now."

He had chosen to fight.

"Why don't you go back to the motel room," said Bobby. "Get some sleep, I'll call you if anything happens."

"I'm not going anywhere," said Dean.

"Dean, please," said Bobby. "How about, you get some of Sam's things ready for when he wakes up?" Dean looked at him. He knew he should go back to the motel, but he couldn't bear to go back into that room again.

"I'll be twenty minutes at the most," Dean said. Bobby didn't see the point in arguing.

-------

Dean sat in the Impala outside the motel room. What if he had just gone in earlier? Instead of sitting there. Maybe it would have helped. Maybe he could have stopped him. Dean slowly opened the door and walked over to the room. He slid the key into the lock and opened the door.

He could still see the blood on the carpet, the knife lying on the ground.

"NO! Don't you dare do this to me! Not now!"

Dean noticed that not one of the beer bottles had smashed as he dropped them. Dean walked into the bathroom and looked at his reflection in the mirror. Then turned the tap on.

His brother's dried blood stained his hands. He hadn't noticed until now. He began to rub them with soap and water, but it wouldn't come off. The blood wouldn't wash away. He turned the tap off and rubbed his hands hard with the towel. The blood still remained.

Then he saw a small piece of paper lying on the table. He walked over to it and lifted it up.

It bore only two words.

I'm sorry

Dean felt the paper slip through his fingers, and he cried.

He just cried.

comments are loved!!! we decided to spare the beer bottles hehe