Holy Tears - by MadMidgetTwins

We've been reading some amazing fictions on here for a while so we'd thought we'd attept at one. Our first fiction, so comments are loved!!

Chapter 5

Rating: K +

Summary: With only 2 months left of Dean's time, Sam is getting desperate to find a way of getting Dean out of it, in the meantime sending as many demons back to hell as they can. But something is happenning to Sam neither of them can explain.

Disclaimer: We do not own supernatural or the characters Sam and Dean...unfortunately...or Bobby at that matter

When Dean arrived back at the hospital there was a doctor talking to Bobby.

"What's going on?" asked Dean, as he approached the two of them, expecting the worst.

"Sam's pulled through," said Bobby. "The doctor's say it's a miracle, but he should be fine."

Dean felt a warmth wash over him. His brother was going to be ok. Thank God.

"Can I see him?" Dean asked.

"Yes, but he isn't awake yet," said the doctor.

"I don't care, I just want to see him," said Dean. The doctor nodded and led Dean and Bobby to a bed in which Sam lay, looking peaceful. Bandages were wrapped around his arms, a few tubes sticking out here and there, but otherwise, he looked fine.

"I'll just, give you a minute," said Bobby, closing the curtains and leaving Dean alone with Sam. Bobby always seemed to understand. Dean felt really grateful for everything Bobby had done for them after their father had died. He needed to make it up to him somehow.

Dean pulled up a chair and sat by Sam's bed. He looked so calm, so untroubled. He didn't look as though there was so much hurt in him, so much confusion, so much anger.

"Hey Sammy," said Dean quietly. He knew Sam couldn't hear him, but somehow it helped talking to him. "Doctor says you're going to be fine. Maybe now we can go to the Grand Canyon huh? I'll drag your ass along this time, I don't care what you say." Dean smiled sadly, looking at his unconscious brother. What could he possibly say when he woke up? What would Sam say? What would they do now? "You know you really scared me Sam. I know you've probably got some long winded noble reason why you did it, but that's not going to stop me kicking your ass when you wake up." Dean gave a faint laugh but it died away almost instantly when he realized how helpless Sam looked. No matter how much they had been through, no matter how much they had seen and done together, the greatest enemy had been himself.

But Dean didn't realize that Sam could actually hear him.

Sam moaned a little in his sleep. Dean sat up thinking for a moment that Sam was going to wake up…but he didn't. Sam just continued to sleep. He felt angry at Sam. He felt bad about feeling that way but he couldn't help it. Sam had tried to kill himself. What had pushed him so far? How could anyone want to end their life by their own hands? How could they have the strength? He would have left Dean alone in the world, to fend for himself. How could Sam possibly think that Dean would be able to cope without him? What excuse did he have? It was only then that Dean realized, that was exactly what he was going to do to Sam. This was how Sam was going to feel when Dean left him…. and Dean hated it.

Sam still didn't know if he was alive or dead, having being stood beside Jessica only moments ago. Now…he didn't know where he was. But he could hear Dean's voice. Calming. Kind. Safe.

Then he opened his eyes, and the first thing he saw was Dean's face looking at him.

"Sammy?" Dean said uncertain, as though he wasn't sure it was really Sam in front of him.

Sam blinked several times and then looked around. He was in a hospital? He was alive. He didn't know how to feel. Happy? Angry? He wasn't even sure he wanted to be alive. What felt like days ago he had been holding a knife to his wrists, certain that he wanted to end it all. To let go, to be free. But now, he didn't know. Part of him wanted to keep fighting, and felt guilty for even considering leaving Dean. What had Dean been through in the last few hours?

"It's ok," said Dean calmly. "You're in the hospital. The doctor's say you should be fine." Dean smiled weakly. Sam could tell that he was avoiding asking why.

"Dean, I – " began Sam, but he stopped. He didn't know what to say. I'm sorry. What good would that too, and he had already told him that. Part of him wasn't sorry. Part of him wished that he had done the job properly so he wouldn't have to face this. But he hadn't died, he had decided to fight, and he would have to deal with that. To be honest, he didn't really understand himself what he had done. How could he explain the feelings and thoughts that had gone through his mind in those crucial moments before he picked up that knife? And then, how could he explain what made him keep fighting? That he'd seen Jess in some park, that he'd seen what would become of Dean if Sam gave up now? That he saw what would happen, and in turn, was even more afraid?

"Save your strength Sammy," said Dean. "It's been a hell of a night."

There was an awkward silence for a moment.

"Dean, I…I wanna talk about this," stuttered Sam. "I need to talk about this."

Dean looked at him.

"So do I," said Dean.

There was silence again.

"I don't know what I would have Sam," whispered Dean. "I mean….last time…..when I was alone…I couldn't bear it. Then knowing that this time…something had made you want to….." he didn't finish the sentence. "I know I've told you this before. But….you are the most important person in my life, I can't let anything happen to you."

There was silence again, where Dean had now resorted to looking at the floor. Sam could see the tears in his eyes.

"I'm sorry Dean," said Sam. "I know that doesn't mean much, but I really am. You were right, I really am a selfish bastard." Dean didn't know what to say to this. Somehow, when he knew they would talk once Sam had woken up, he didn't expect Sam to say that. Or perhaps he didn't want him to?

"No your not Sammy," said Dean. "You had a lot of reasons and none of them were selfish. They were just wrong. You have too much left to give to let go now."

Silence. Again there was silence. These pauses seemed cold as ice. As though they were emphasising an absence of sound rather than a quiet, peaceful moment.

"I just...I just wanted it all to go back to the way it used to be you know?" said Sam. "All this. It hurts like hell. I miss the old you." Dean stared at him.

"I know its hard Sam," said Dean. "But you can't just give up. You told me that once. It's all worth it. The people we save – "

"But that's not my point Dean," interrupted Sam. "I'm changing, you don't even recognize me. Saving people isn't enough anymore. And soon, I don't even know if I'll be doing that. And…you'll be gone."

"Sam, listen to me," said Dean. "You need to stop thinking like this. Stop thinking that I'll die, you'll turn evil and more people will die. Because the more you think like that the more likely it'll happen. You can fight this Sam. I know it."

"But what if I can't?" asked Sam.

"You can."

"No, don't Dean, I'll fall off," said Sam, scared. Dean was holding the bike steady. No training wheels. One of the few moments they had a chance to do normal kid things.

"You're a big boy now Sammy," said Dean. "My Sammy doesn't need extra wheels. You can do it all by yourself."

"But I'm scared Dean," said Sam, holding onto the handle bars tightly.

"Don't worry, I'm gonna be right here with you all the way," said Dean. "Just pretend they are still there. If you keep thinking you are gonna fall off then you probably will. So don't think like that. Ok?"

"Ok," said Sam uncertainly.

"Ready?" said Dean. Sam nodded, and Dean began to push the bike.

"No, stop, stop!" yelled Sam, and Dean stopped pushing. "No don't, I can't do this."

"Yes you can Sammy," said Dean. "I know you can." Dean smiled, and then Sam nodded yet again. Dean began to push the bike. They got faster and faster, and then Dean let go, though still running alongside him.

He was moving. All by himself. No wheels. No Dean. Just his little Sammy.

-------

"How is he?" asked Bobby, as Dean walked over to him in the corridor. Sam needed some more rest.

"Ok, I think," said Dean. "He's still…you know…" Dean didn't need to finish the sentence. Bobby understood.

"Excuse me, Dean Winchester?" asked a nearby doctor. It was the man Dean had yelled at.

"Yea, that's me," said Dean. "Listen I'm sorry about before."

"No it's fine," said the doctor. "I've had worse. But I need to talk to you about Sam."

"Ok," said Dean. "Why? What's wrong?"

"No nothing is wrong," said the doctor, quite calmly. "It's quite the opposite actually. He seems to be healing rather well, and quicker than we anticipated."

"Well, that's good isn't it?" said Dean.

"Yes, of course," said the doctor quickly. "It's just…unusual." Dean didn't say anything. Ok, so Sam was healing quickly, that wasn't unusual, was it?

"There is something else too," said the doctor. "As Sam was clearly an attempted suicide, he will need to have a psych evaluation."

"No," said Dean. "I'm not having some shrink down here talking to my brother." The last thing he wanted was some shrink screwing up Sam's mind more than it already was.

"Its necessary sir," said the doctor. "It needs to be determined whether he is still a suicide risk and if he needs to be kept here longer."

"No you are not keeping, or taking my brother anywhere," said Dean. "It's not going to happen again. That I can promise you." The doctor didn't seem convinced.

"Well, I'm still getting a consult and we can see what she says shall we?" said the doctor, though it wasn't a question.

"Ok fine," said Dean. "Maybe one talk would be good, and then she'll realise that he's fine and we can go home, right?" The doctor simply nodded and walked away.

"Dean remember we have to be careful," said Bobby, while Dean was still glaring at the doctor.

"He thinks I can't take care of my brother," said Dean angrily. "He doesn't think that I can look after him myself, but he's wrong."

"I know perfectly well that you are capable of looking after Sam yourself," said Bobby. "It's not like they can do anything anyway is it? You are both adults. I just don't want you to cause too much trouble. If the cops hear about this – "

"I don't care about them," said Dean, though truthfully he had forgotten that he was on the run from the law. "I just want Sam to get better and then we can get the hell out of here. I hate hospitals." Dean tried to laugh slightly. He was feeling a little better now that he knew Sam was going to be ok, but he couldn't shake the feeling that this wasn't going to go away for a long time.

-----

"I'm sorry but this has to be done in private, no relatives are allowed," said the doctor for what seemed the hundredth time.

"Ok, Ok, I'm going," said Dean. The psychologist was stood there, glaring at Dean, but Dean just gave Sam a faint smile and walked away.

"So, Sam Winchester?" said the psychologist. "I'm Emily." She smiled and then sat down by the bed. Sam just remained silent, wishing his brother was back in the room. She was too cheerful.

"I would like you to tell me what happened back in the motel room, if that's not too hard for you?" she said kindy. What was the point of this question? Sam knew perfectly well that the doctors would have told her everything.

"Haven't the doctors told you?" said Sam. She simply smiled again.

"Well, yes they have but I'd like to hear it from you," she said calmly. Sam didn't feel like talking all that much, especially to a complete stranger. Sam still didn't say anything. "Ok, I'll try a different question. Why did you try and kill yourself Sam?" From the mouth of a complete stranger, saying it like that made it seem so much worse.

"It's complicated," said Sam. Emily simply stared at him.

"That's what everybody says Sam. But I can help you."

"I don't need help," said Sam, a little too quickly. "I have my brother. He knows me better than anyone….he understands. Besides, it was just a bad moment that's all…..its not gonna happen again."

"A bad moment that almost cost you your life?" said Emily. "Your brother won't be there forever Sam." She didn't know how right she was.

"Yes he is," said Sam. "He promised me." Emily wrote down something on her little notepad. "Look can we just get this over with. I'm not like all your other patients. I didn't try and kill myself."

"Oh really?" said Emily, writing more things down. "Sure looks like you did? Was it an accident then?"

"No I didn't mean it like that," said Sam, though he felt like he was just making things worse. "I'm not suicidal. I just had some crazy idea go through my head ok? I was feeling…angry….and it was a stupid thing to do…..I know that. But I feel great now."

"Thankyou Sam," said Emily as she stood up getting ready to leave.

"What that's it?" asked Sam, a little shocked.

"Oh no," said Emily, her back to Sam. "Far from it." She turned to face him….her eyes glowing red. "It will never be over. You best start saying goodbye to your brother now Sam, his times nearly up. Sweet dreams." Emily's eyes turned back to their normal shade. She smiled a cold smile, and then walked away.

Sam was left feeling more afraid than ever. What had just happened? How could a crossroad demon be in the hospital? How come Sam seemed to feel much better than he was supposed to be in just a few hours? Why was he reacting to exorcisms? What the hell was going on?

The curtain was pushed aside as Dean walked beside Sam's bed.

"That wasn't very long," said Dean. Then he surveyed Sam for a moment. "Are you ok?"

"Yea," said Sam, trying to look completely calm. "Yea, I'm fine. Great actually. I just….I just want to get out of here."

"Yea well," said Dean, "the doctors don't want you to leave yet, even though they say your physical state is almost perfect again."

"Why is that do you reckon?" Sam asked before he could stop himself.

"Umm… I dunno, good luck I guess?" suggested Dean. He could tell that Sam wasn't satisfied with that answer. "Look, it's getting late, and to tell you the truth I am exhausted. Bobby is driving me crazy…..he keeps buying me decafe coffee, I mean what's wrong with him?" Dean laughed. Sam was glad that Dean was back to his usual self again. But no matter how he acted, Sam knew he was as scared as he was. "I'm gonna head back to the motel for a bit, try and get a few hours sleep. I'll be back as soon as I can." He didn't really like seeing Sam alone, but seeing as Sam looked ok, he thought it would be a good idea to get some rest.

"No," said Sam quickly. He couldn't help but remember what the demon had said to him. What if something was going to happen tonight? "Stay with me…..please?"

"Sammy what's wrong?" Dean asked after a slight pause.

"Nothing….I just…." started Sam. "Please." Dean looked at Sam's pleading eyes. What had made him so scared?

"Ok," said Dean. "I won't go."

Sorry about the wait for this one...kinda got a bit preoccupied with depression from the last Harry Potter book...oh and holidays ended

Hope you liked it! next chapter up soon!

And the demon thingo in the hospital...we tried not having that cos we didnt want to copy Kat's weight of the world fic but we couldnt resist in the end!! So we aren't copying you we swear!!!!