A/N: So umm, fast forward five months and you will be up to date. No, I didn't miss a chapter, I decided
to add some time so we can pick up where we left off. Last time, Callie/Mark went their separate ways
because Mark was being too jerky to Callie when he obviously wanted to be with her. Addek were in
turmoil and this time not for lack of love (yes!) but for fear. Derek was worried about losing Addison to
the pregnancy, lupus and other illnesses and Addison was worried about feeling incomptent to love him.
I try to fall back into the story where we left off.

Chapter 21
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Five Months Later

Addison had been living in the house with Derek for five months without real communication. They were cordial of course but she kept conversations to a minimum as she didn't want to cause another disruption which would inevitably lead into another fight, one she wasn't prepared to have if not necessary. She had received the test results earlier this week and they were positive, she was pregnant with twins. The first months of her pregnancy had gone by smoothly but if it hadn't been for the friendships of Callie and Miranda pulling her through, slumber parties, lunches at the office or random shopping sprees, she didn't know how she would've made it. She thought that Derek hated her from the way he acted and after they had moved into their townhouse together she thought that could have a fresh start but Derek still had pulled back from her. She had thought at first to take the master bedroom with Derek but after the first night when he had slept on the couch she knew that their problems were still serious and that he wasn't even open to communication. She had moved into the other bedroom and spent the long, lonely nights by herself. She cried herself to sleep most of the nights and the other nights she cradled her rapidly growing belly in her arms and talked to the twins. She still had no idea what she would name them and it wasn't like she got any input from Derek who ever since there stand-down all those months ago in the trailer, hadn't acted concerned about anything having to do with the twins. She had slipped into a one piece dress when she was walking down the stairs with her hand rubbing the lower part of her back. Derek looked up when she came in and walked to the table and set down a cup of tea in front of her. She smiled in thanks and walked in and sat down at the table. It was almost as if he had separated her from the pregnancy, he would do everything for her but anything having to do with the oncoming birth he wouldn't do. She knew it was irrational but he strongly wanted her to understand that he still preferred having her living other than watching his wife prepare for her possible demise with the birth of their children.

She was putting two spoonfuls of sugar in her tea when he sat down next to her. It was unusual for him to remain while she was eating her breakfast seeing as how he seemed like lately he was doing his best to avoid her at all times. And now with her ever burgeoning belly it was a struggle to get to the hospital on her own which took her an extra thirty minutes. He cleared his throat and said, "What did the doctor's say?"

Addison grimaced now she knew why he was still here. He wanted to know confirmation of what the doctor had said when he had seen the calendar circled on the date last week. Ever since he had gotten her refusal to put her life in front of their children he had been pulling back from her and engrossing himself more and more in his work. Addison looked up and said, "The doctor confirms that they are twins. A boy and a girl."

She lets that fall without comment knowing that he didn't care either way. She had resigned herself to the fact that there was a possibility she wouldn't make it through this pregnancy as all of the factors lined up to show that she had the disease of toxemia and Derek's interest in her waned daily. Callie and Miranda were pulling their hair out trying to get her to stop talking negatively like that but she had felt it ever since the doctor had told her that she had a good chance to have toxemia with all of the criteria falling into place and matching her current state.

Derek closed his eyes, "Have you thought of names?"

Addison shrugged, "I thought of names but I didn't want to give out any possibilities until I discussed it with you but since you don't want to speak anymore…."

Derek swore under his breath as he opened his eyes and glared at her, "You mean that you were waiting on your death to put the whole burden on naming the children on me."

Addison closed her eyes, "Why are you putting words in my mouth? All I said is that you and I don't converse like we used to and this is a decision that should be made by both parents and not only the mother."

Derek stood up and grabbed her to him, "Maybe it's because they are your words. Don't you know that every night I stay outside your door just to hear you breathing? Just to hear the gentle respiration of your in, out and what do I hear when I listen? Or the only other times when you are not sobbing which tears my heart in two, I hear you tell our children that you are preparing to not see them after they are born, how the hell is that supposed to make me feel? I'm fighting this fight alone, you shut down and shut me out and don't let me in."

Addison started to cry and said, "When I tried each time to let you in, I got tired of being shot down. I can only handle so many times you refuse to have me by your side. You slept on the couch so as to not be in the same room with me, how is that supposed to make me feel? How do you want me to react?"

Derek swore, "If you are talking about our first full night in the house, I had a neuro-consult and two brain surgeries in the morning. I didn't want to be mean and disturb you with the fact that I couldn't sleep with your snoring if I was expected to give my all to the hospital the next day." Derek finished the sentence on a laugh.

Addison laughed through the tears at the absurdity of their fight and said, "Derek, I need you. I need you so much and each time I think that we are about to make a breakthrough, you shut me out and I feel so alone. I'm scared because if there's a possibility that I am sick, I want your assurance that you'll be by my side. Please give me that assurance at least."

Derek pulled her into his arms, "I'm scared Addi. Damn it, I'm terrified and you aren't helping it any by making me believe that you are giving up if you are diagnosed with toxemia. You are one of the best neonatal specialists in your field and you are taking it as gospel that you won't live to see the birth of our children I find that completely unacceptable. First of all for the fact that you save children on a daily basis and second of all because you are the best in your field so even if you can't deliver them yourself you can create a game plan to ensure they stay healthy and finally because you are Addison Montgomery Shepherd and damn it you can do anything you set your mind to and I can't fathom being without you!"

Addison pulled back and cradled his face in her hands. She kissed his forehead, his cheek and finally his mouth, "I'm so sorry that I've made you doubt everything please understand that you are my priority beyond our children. I don't know why I have these negative thoughts running through my head but I also don't know how to stop them maybe it's because I've been there and I know how things can go horribly wrong. I'm just being a pessimist but I need your help please. Please help me, because I don't want to die and leave you and our children."

Derek held her to him and rubbed her back soothingly, "I promise you Addi, I'm not letting you leave me. I don't think I could stand it if you did."

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Miranda sat across from Callie and looked at her in disbelief, "So you just went out with this guy from radiology?"

Callie shrugged, "I couldn't wait forever for Mark to come and decide he wanted to be with me. I gave him three weeks and the next thing I hear in the gossip mill is that he dated a woman whose breasts he augmented. Besides, I had to get on with my life sometime. I think I was in love with Mark and I don't want to be one of those women who sulk forever after a never going be, I have to focus on my future sans Mark."

Miranda nodded, "Well you are right about that, although have you seen Mark lately? From what I heard he hasn't been dating anyone and he's been walking around here for the last couple of months like a whipped puppy dog."

Callie rolled her eyes, "Don't tell me that Miranda. You know how I feel about him; I just wanted to be sure that he felt the same way. He couldn't give me that assurance so we are through but if I keep hearing that he's walking around as broken as I am, I'm going to go up to him and tell him I miss him and I need him which isn't good for either one of us. Mark and I are two critically flawed people who came together in a flurry of passion, when the passion burnt out which it hadn't we would've still been two flawed people and I was ready to move past the passion and see if the two flawed people couldn't have had a happily ever after of their own. Maybe it was just a pipe dream, but it was my pipe and my dream so I had to let go of it, Mark gave me no other choice."

Miranda nodded in agreement deciding to leave the touchy subject alone with her friend and instead decided to focus on her other priority, Addison "When's the next time that we are going to see Addison?"

Callie shrugged and said, "I've been waiting on you to tell me when is a good day we can go visit her together. We've been taking her out shopping but I get the feeling that she doesn't really want to be there as she's so depressed all the time. She acts like she's waiting on her turn to die or something and it depresses me because I love her Miranda. I never dealt with my mother's death well and ever since I heard Addison has lupus I want her to be one of those success cases you hear about and not, my mother and my best friend died from complications of lupus. I just don't understand how she's taking the fact that she's pregnant with twins as a death sentence, do you?"

Miranda closed her eyes, "I think it's a combination of the pregnancy and her lupus. You know that there's depression in lupus and with the hormones from the pregnancy not to mention that she just found out that she's pregnant with twins who have twice the hormones and the testosterone, with all of that going on inside, she must be going out of her mind. Not to mention, McIdiot." Miranda had gone back to calling Derek, McIdiot after she saw the way he was treating her friend.

Callie murmured agreement and said, "Why the hell doesn't Derek act better then? I know he's worried about her changing moods but shutting himself off from her is not the way to go. She needs him now more than ever and he's using this time to pull away. It pisses me off because in a way I see how she ended up turning to Mark. If a woman invests herself in a relationship she would like to believe that she's not going at it alone and especially not when she's pregnant, which is all Derek is leading her to do by all the coldness on his part."

Miranda said, "Maybe, I'll have my husband talk to him. It might do wonders for his attitude towards Addison. I know that he's scared and in his own right I don't blame him. Addison has changed, she has become more fatalistic and maybe it's a side effect of the job she does, maybe seeing that she has to save so many babies and lose so many mothers, whatever it is Derek needs to learn to empathize instead of criticize."

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Addison laid in bed as Derek moved the last of her suitcases back to the master bedroom. Derek dropped the last suitcase on the floor and then jumped into bed with her, "Can I just say that this is the thing I've been waiting to do for months. You don't know how many times I wanted to drag you back in here where you belong, by my side always."

Addison smiled at him as he leaned over and kissed her cheek and said, "You just rest now. Richard already has you on an easier schedule so I don't want to see you moving from this bed. I'm here to take care of you and our twins."

Derek nodded as he watched her eyes droop down and she started to yawn. She curled up next to him with a smile, "Derek?"

Derek looked down at her and said, "What is it sweetheart?"

Addison closed her eyes as she was yawning and reached for his face with her hand. Derek grabbed her hand in his and placed it on his cheek. The warmth emanating from her fingers made him draw closer to her, "What did you need Addi?"

Addison curved her palm around his cheek and then let it fall, "I just need you to love me Derek. Love me and love our children."

Derek swore as he pulled her into his arms. "The love I have for you is eternal and I still love our children just as dearly as I love you. I just don't want to lose you. God, I still remember all those months ago when I was fighting you to get out of this marriage and then I had to fight to get back in. I just don't want to lose you and that's what has been frightening me since I heard that message on our answering machine all those months ago. The thought of life without Addison Forbes Montgomery Shepherd is just too much for me to bear. I can't think about it, I won't."

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Callie sat in her office reviewing her latest surgery schedule for the next day when the knock on the door came. She walked to the door and opened it up and saw Miranda pushing Mark in with her fists.

Callie stood up and turned to Miranda, "What's he doing here?"

Miranda pushed him in the room and shut the door behind her, "This idiot was messing with one of the patients again. He was provoking the husband who asked what kind of plastic surgery his wife wanted, he started talking about perhaps he should consider breasts because she was pretty lacking in that area."

Callie turned to Mark in shock who had sat down in the chair in front of her desk with a pout.

Callie shook her head, "I don't condone what he's doing but I don't understand why you brought him here."

Miranda stared at her, "Don't you? He's been walking around her like an abused puppy dog ever since you two broke up or whatever it is you call it and normally I've been able to calm him down but he keeps pushing and I don't know if he's trying to get kicked out of here or what."

Callie turned to her in disbelief, "I still don't understand why you brought him here."

Mark looked at Miranda, "I don't understand that either."

Miranda slapped him on the back of the head and turned to Callie, "He wants you, and he doesn't know how to say he wants you so he lashes out. It is very elementary and childish but that's what Mark is all about. You are the one who he cares about so maybe he will listen to you."

Miranda closed the door behind her and Callie turned to leave when she heard the lock click. She had locked them in the room together. "Miranda, that's not funny. Open this door."

Callie turned around and looked at Mark in disgust, "She locked us in."

Mark shrugged and said, "So it doesn't matter to me."

Callie sat on the edge of the desk and said, "What the hell is your problem anyway? You've been walking around like this for the past five months and you haven't done anything constructive but continue to piss people off."

Mark laughed and said, "And you've been the social butterfly. Each time I go to Joe's he tells me about another guy he's seen you with. So how do you like this new lifestyle?"

Callie laughed as she looked into his eyes, "Don't tell me. You're jealous."

Mark stood up and grabbed her by the arms, "What the hell did you expect? I have to see you leaving the hospital with the radiologist, the x-ray tech all of them and you're smiling. Why do you do that when you know that those smiles used to be for me and belong only to me?"

Callie closed her eyes as she felt his arms grasping her shoulders, "You know why, I asked you to give us a chance. I was starting to feel emotions for you Mark, things I haven't felt in along while. I was falling in love with you and you were busy trying to ensure that you didn't fall in love with me. You set the rules of this game, I'm just following them."

Mark released her shoulders as she opened her eyes and gaze upon his handsome face as he paced back and forth. "What if I told you that I had become determined to change my mind that I wanted to try to have a serious relationship with this girl that I can't get out of my mind or my heart?"

Callie stood up and said, "Are you serious?"

Mark nodded, "I've never been more serious in my life. I want you to be with me and with me only. I get enraged every time I see you smiling and laughing with anyone that isn't me and I don't see this feeling going away anytime soon and to be honest, I don't want it to."

Callie smiled at said, "So is that a good thing or a bad thing?"

Mark pulled her into his arms, "It's a good thing, a very good thing." He kissed her for the first time in five months and for the first time in those five months he admitted to himself that he felt like he was coming home and he was happy to be back.

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"Richard? What are you doing here?"

Richard walked into Derek and Addison's home and looked around for signs of Addison. Ever since they bought this town home Richard had foolishly believed that this was the end to all of their problems and they could finally settle down and enjoy the time together before the birth of their baby, they could put Mark and Meredith behind them and focus on their future together. However, it felt like the imminent birth of their baby was tearing them further apart then they had ever been with the move to Seattle.

Richard looked at Derek and said, "Can I sit down?"

Derek nodded and said, "Of course, please forgive my manners sit down Richard. Addi is still upstairs sleeping. I just got her asleep and my mind is still upstairs with her and sometimes I forget my manners whenever she's involved."

Richard sat down and said, "I was worried about the two of you. I see so little of you both at the hospital and now especially that Addison's working reduced hours. When I do see the two of you together you always manage to avoid each other or both look like you've been through a battle, now I know that it may seem like it's none of my business but please tell me what's going on."

Derek sat down, "Due to the lupus and her age she was at risk for a lot of diseases that are fatal. I've been trying to get her to understand that she's more important to me than any children that we could have together and that we always have the option of adopting if her life would be too much at risk to carry any children to term. She's determined that she's going to have our children even at the cost of her life, and I just found out that she's pregnant with twins and there's a very real chance that she could have toxemia."

Richard closed his eyes, "Is that why the two of you have been so distant? I feel both of your sides but you have to know that Addison is now no longer the neonatal surgeon that knows her case and how to proceed nor the wife that lives only for you, she's a mother and as a mother her life comes second to that of her children, you just have to accept that. Even though I know you're still worried about her."

Derek shrugged, "Partly, I've been worried about her. She seems to believe that she's dying or could be in danger of dying and that there's nothing she can do or want to do but accept it. I've been so frustrated that I told her either fight for your life or don't worry about being with me. She took that to mean that I didn't want her or the twins and has ever since gone on a campaign to separate herself from me. It hurts me the most that she would extinguish the connection that has always kept us alive before to focus on being a mother with twins."

Richard leaned forward in shock, "Twins? She's pregnant with twins?"

Derek nodded, "A boy and a girl she told me. I would be more ecstatic if we could get through her next doctor's appointment with the assurance that she doesn't have toxemia or that her life isn't in danger. When I think of that it makes me scared. If she has toxemia then that means that her life and that of our children are in danger."

Richard nodded and said, "I'm glad that you at least sound better in reference to her, how's your relationship otherwise?"

Derek shrugged, "It would be doing a lot better if I had my wife back, the wife that was only focused on herself and our marriage. I know that it sounds selfish but that's how I feel. There are days I swear I wish that she had never gotten pregnant."

Addison gasped from the top of the stairs as she fell to her knees after hearing what Derek said. Richard and Derek rushed up the stairs and fell to their knees as Richard checked her pulse while Derek cradled her in his arms while calling her name loudly.

Richard looked at the terrified man in front of him and the woman he always loved like a daughter cradled in his arms and knew that drastic action had to be taken. He turned to him and said, "Derek, we have to get her to the hospital now."

So as you can see, I'm not wasting anytime into getting into the second half of this story. We have about 7-8 more chapters
to go before I wrap this one up with an epilogue. So stay tuned and thanks for all my faithful repliers (is that a word?) they
mean alot.