Chapter 9

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Sam stood in front of the bathroom mirror applying more foundation under her eyes attempting to cover up the dark circles. She had a restless night and didn't finally fall asleep until close to two am. While she was physically tired her mind was too wired to let sleep come. She kept replaying the conversation with Martin over and over in her mind. She wished that she had spoken up, tried to communicate with him. And then the more she thought about it the angrier she got. She knew that he was hurt but he should have known her well enough to know that she didn't intend on hurting him. She stayed his friend through all the good times and bad. Hell, she was the one who intervened to help him get help for his addiction, not Danny. She made Danny help him but he was more than happy to get all the credit. Besides, Martin was the one who broke it off when she was willing to keep trying. He had no business coming off as the wounded bird when he was so cold to her at the end.

The problem was she knew that no matter how she phrased it the bottom line was he was obviously bothered that she reunited with Jack and she couldn't blame him for it. When they were dating she kept telling him that Jack was in her past and had nothing to do with them only to have her start up with him the moment he made a move to do so. She had been weak and he had been right all along.

As she put down the foundation and started applying her lipstick she wondered just how much he knew about her and Jack and how he had found out. Did Danny tell him? Viv? She knew that she had never told him and she was certain Jack wouldn't have either. She felt an ache in her chest at the thought that he must have heard about it second hand. She wished that she had been brave enough to tell him but once he left it became easier to not say anything. With Jack in New York and Martin in Washington it made what she was doing with Jack make her feel much less guilty.

Accepting that she looked the best way she could at this point, she put the lipstick tube in her jacket pocket, grabbed her badge, gun and other incidentals before heading out of her hotel room to meet everyone in the lobby. As she rode down the elevator she tried to calm her nerves in preparation to seeing Martin. She just prayed that he would return to the casual Martin from dinner the night before, she didn't want any lingering awkwardness from the conversation in the elevator.

The doors drew open and she stepped out, immediately spotting Danny and Chao lingering near the Starbucks coffee shop in the lobby but there was no sign of Martin.

She strode past the reception desk and the lounge area where guests who were checking out sat with their luggage waiting for their taxis to arrive. As she neared she heard she heard Danny explaining to Chao why the Mets were a great baseball team.

"…the Yankees are all about money and power but the Mets," he said with the uttermost conviction, "are about the heart and soul of the game."

Chao just nodded his head politely and took a drink of his coffee, pretending to actually care.

"Morning," she greeted them, inhaling the aromatic fragrance of freshly brewed coffee.

"Buenas dias," Danny replied, handing her a large white cup with a dark green emblem. "This one is yours."

She accepted the proffered beverage and said, "Thanks."

She took a sip and glanced around wondering where Martin was when Danny started to the door saying, "Let's go."

She looked at him and asked, "Wait a minute, don't we have to wait for Martin?"

"He's meeting us there," Chao said as way of explanation as he moved past Danny and out the door. "He had to run an errand this morning."

"Oh," she replied.

As she got into step behind them she restrained the bit of fury rising up in her that Martin was purposefully avoiding her. Here she was trying her best to be professional and friendly towards him and he was off sulking like a moody teenager. She couldn't believe that he was being so immature.

By the time they arrived at the bureau she was raging internally. She knew that Martin was most likely already upstairs and since she didn't want to face him yet, not wanting to let him know that he was getting to her she made a lame excuse about having to go to the ladies room. She headed to the facility in the lobby while Danny and Chao headed upstairs. She walked into the restroom and tossed her now empty coffee cup into the wastebasket before pacing in front of the bank of sinks and the long mirror. She stopped and turned on the faucet, splashing some cool water in her face. After drying off with the coarse paper towels she studied her reflection in the mirror.

"You didn't do anything wrong," she told herself. "You had been broken up for a long time before you got back with Jack. You gave it a shot with him and it just didn't work."

Her mirror image looked back and in her head she heard her own voice whisper, "Then why do you feel so guilty? Is it because you never even really gave him a chance?"

She scowled and muttered to herself, "Shut up."

With that she turned and exited the restroom. She wandered back to the foyer with the elevators in time to see one preparing to close so she raced to it just before the doors slid shut. It wasn't until she was inside that she realized who else was there: Martin.

"Good morning," he greeted her with a smile on his face. He was holding a Styrofoam cup of coffee and sipping it causally.

"Morning," she replied curtly as she stood there staring at the closed doors.

"Something wrong?" he asked.

She took a deep breath and turned to face him. "You tell me."

He stared at her in confusion for a beat before finally asking, "What are you talking about? Tell you what?"

If she had feathers she was certain they would be bristling right now. "I'm talking about the fact that last night things were weird between us and then this morning you purposely avoid me."

"Excuse me?"

"Come on, Martin," she accused. "Last night we have an incredibly awkward conversation in the hotel elevator and then this morning you were supposed to meet up with us in the lobby but instead you told Chao you had to run an 'errand.' You don't live in LA, what errands could you possibly have other than avoiding me."

He stared at her in disbelief as the elevator slowed to a stop to pick up another passenger. As the doors pulled open he moved to stand in front of them and held out his hand to prevent the other agent from boarding. "I'm sorry this one is full, you'll have to take the next one."

The agent looked offended and staring daggers at Martin said, "What do you mean there's no room? There's just you and her."

"Oh, no, see there is me and there is her but the rest of this space," he waved his hand around the empty compartment and finished, "is filled up by her gigantic ego. So sorry, take the next one."

He gave the agent a gentle shove back and let the elevator doors slide closed. He turned to look at Sam and he bored his eyes into hers. She suddenly felt like a mouse that had been cornered by a cat.

"So you think the only reason I wasn't there this morning was because of you?"

She was beginning to think she may have made a huge mistake in confronting him so she didn't reply but simply tilted her head in a non-committal agreement.

"Wow," he said in mock amazement. "You're a real piece of work Spade." He shook his head and looked away before returning his eyes to hers and saying, "I'm sorry to disappoint you but the 'errand' I had to run this morning was to attend my daily NA meeting."

Her coffee churned in her belly. "Your NA meeting?"

He worked his tongue in his cheek and replied, "Yeah, I try to go everyday and there was a seven am meeting this morning a few blocks away." He took a step back and leaned against the elevator wall. "I try to go at least five times a week and it's easier in the early morning or late at night because of my schedule," he explained. "So I'm sorry to inform you that my not being there this morning had nothing to do with you."

She lowered her head wishing that the floor beneath her feet would open and swallow her up. She could feel all the blood rushing to her face, heating it up and turning her cheeks a bright shade of pink. She put her hands over her face and mumbled, "I'm sorry." With her face still hidden behind her long digits she added, "I feel like such an idiot." She lowered her arms back down to her waist and said, "I'm sorry, I just thought it had something to do with…" She shook her head and said, "Never mind."

He lowered his head but looked up at her through heavy lids and softly asked, "Something to do with Jack?"

She felt her knees sway beneath her but she nodded and breathed out, "Yeah."

"Yeah," he repeated in a voice as soft as a whisper.

They stood there as the elevator ascended, the only sounds were the cables working and pulling them upward. She steeled her nerves and began, "I know I should have told you about us but I just didn't have the guts."

"Yeah, I guess I can understand that," he replied with a small smile.

She didn't know why exactly but his words seemed so definite and resolute that they made something in her chest burn with sadness. She took a breath and replied, "Listen, I just want you to know…"

He waved her off and said, "No, really its okay, you don't…"

"I owe it to you to explain…" she began when he held up his hand, indicating for her to stop talking.

"No, you don't," he said emphatically. She backed down, feeling wounded by his refusal to hear her side of the story. His slumped his shoulders and softly said, "I'm sorry, it's just…" He straightened his posture and tried again, "I just really don't want to talk about your relationship with Jack."

"Alright," she said, nodding her head in understanding. She looked up at the numbers above the door and saw that they still had four more floors to go. She licked her lips and decided to just try and clear the air, "But I just want to say I'm sorry that you had to hear about it from someone else, that's it."

He didn't reply right away. He simply stood there staring at the floor. She began to wonder if he was ignoring her when he quietly said, "No one had to tell me. I knew, before I left…"

She felt the air whoosh out of her lungs as if someone had sucker punched her. She bit her lip and asked. "How?"

He closed his eyes, pressing his finger and thumb hard against the lids. When he opened his eyes again he looked at her and said, "You never gave me any credit for paying attention, for noticing." He worked his tongue into his cheek and said, "I noticed when you were bothered that Jack was going to move to Chicago with Maria, when you were troubled and just wanted to talk, hell, I was the one who first noticed when Viv wasn't feeling well because of her heart and when Danny and Elena got together… Did you really think I wouldn't notice the change between you and Jack?"

"I didn't know I was so obvious," she carefully replied, trying to breathe, feeling lightheaded and dizzy by his revelation. She reached up and pinched the bridge of her nose, trying to steady her emotions that were threatening to come gushing out.

"Sam, you're anything but obvious." He cleared his throat and said, "But like it or not, I know you," He replied as the elevator began to slow down, marking their arrival to their floor. "I dated you for months while trying to conceal it from the team. I recognized all the signs only this time I was on the other side watching you steal away to meet with Jack in private, the touches, the lingering glances…what I find surprising is that you honestly thought I wouldn't notice." The elevator stopped and he stepped up, waiting for the doors to open. "Or why Jack never noticed us when we were doing it." He stopped, turned to look at her and finished, "Or is that it? That whole time you were counting on him to notice, to care?"

She stared helplessly into his eyes that looked back at her coolly. The air in the compartment felt thin and she felt like she couldn't breathe. He stood there for a beat, waiting for her to reply. When she didn't he lowered his head and stepped out, the doors closing after him.

She stayed in the empty, unmoving elevator wondering what in the hell she was supposed to do now.