Chapter 14
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Martin sat there watching her, waiting to hear her answer. She felt anxious, adrenaline pumping through her veins. She quickly stood up and walked to the window, needing to buy some time to gather her thoughts. She stared out at the city, the lights of Los Angeles shining brightly. She knew that she could either lie to him, sparing his feelings or she could risk it all and tell him the truth.
Behind her she could hear his the clink of the ice in his glass as he took another drink. He cleared his throat and began, "Maybe this wasn't the time…"
She spun around to face him. "No, we need to have this talk." She swallowed, fearing how this conversation was going to turn. "I just…I'm just not sure how to reply."
He slumped forward on his chair, both hands wrapped around his glass. "I can imagine." He stared at the pale brown liquid beneath the ice cubes. "I don't want to fight or make you feel bad, that's not my intention it's just…" He looked up and met her eyes. "It's just, that's the one thing that has always gnawed at me. Wondering why you risked both our friendship and our working relationship if you didn't even really want to build anything with me? That's what I couldn't figure out. If you were just looking for sex you could have had your pick of any guy at that bar," he said, his voice tinged with bitterness. "Or did you really think that I was only interested in your body?"
She tensed up. "Wow, I, uh…"
"Look, I didn't mean to ambush you it's just you said you wanted to clear the air and…"
"No, you're right, let's get it all out there." She sat back in her chair, feeling like she was just hit by a truck. She stiffened her posture, trying to think clearly. She decided honesty was the only way. "When I asked you to share a cab…" she paused and as gently as she could she finished, "I honestly didn't think beyond that one night." She focused her eyes on Martin's, hurt evident in his eyes. "I'm sorry but I didn't. I just knew that things had been changing between us, we had this undeniable chemistry, and I really didn't want to be alone that night. I'm sorry."
"I always kind of knew but I needed to hear it from you." He ran his index finger over the smooth wooden table. "So if you were only looking for one night why did you keep saying yes?"
"Is that a real question?" She replied with a coy smile. "Because I'm pretty sure you know the answer."
He grinned, a blush on his face. "We were pretty good at that part weren't we?"
"Yes, we were," she agreed. "And I have to admit, I had always been curious about the rookie agent who commented on booty calls on his first day on the job." He laughed softly and it warmed her heart. She picked up her glass and took a long drink of her rum and coke. "But what you really meant is why I kept coming back knowing that you wanted more."
"Yeah."
She lowered her glass and placed it on the table. There were beads of sweat on the glass so she ran her finger along the side, wetting her fingertips. "I know you think I was…using you or just killing time while I was waiting for Jack." She looked up, her eyes serious. "But the truth was I liked you. I know looking back it didn't seem like it all the time but I did. I just wasn't used to being with someone like you. I told you I liked complicated but the truth of the matter is complicated just followed me around."
"And I liked simple," he contributed.
"Yeah," she replied with a sigh. "As it turns out, simple was too complicated for me." She leaned back on the chair and finished, "Every time you would try and get closer I would freak out and push you back. Part of me wanted to just break it off with you but I liked you too much at the same time to just let you go."
"It didn't always seem that way," he retorted, a frown on his face.
"I'm trying here," she snapped back. The mood in the room rapidly filled with tension. "Besides you were the one who ended it."
"I had to, we couldn't keep going the way we were," he replied, irritably. He abruptly stood up and paced the small space between the table and the wall. He gripped the back of his chair, trying to steady his frustration. She glanced at his knuckles, which were bright pink from the force of his hold. "I cared about you too much and, yeah, I was hoping that you would fight harder. I thought that if I pushed back you would understand where I was coming from but it ended up backfiring in my face."
She took a deep breath and focused her attention on the alarm clock on his nightstand. It was close to midnight. Suddenly, to her own surprise, she said, "Man, I was pissed at you for breaking up with me."
To her relief he released a low laugh. "Believe me, I know."
She reached up and gathered her hair, twirling it up so it would hang on the side of her neck. She knew what he needed to know; no matter how bad it made her seem. She lifted her face to look him directly in the eyes. "You were right to end it." He's expression softened as he waited to for her to continue, "While there really was a part of me that wanted to build something with you there was an equal part of me that resented you for being around." She felt her hands shaking, knowing that what she was going to tell him was not going to be easy to say but even harder to hear. "The same part of me that was angry at myself for inviting you home that night. The part that would never have done so if I had known that Jack wasn't going to move to Chicago."
Martin stood still, staring her for a long silent beat. She hated the quiet. She wished that he would say something, anything, but at the same time was terrified to hear what he would say.
"So I was right?" he asked. "Your wanting to keep our relationship hidden wasn't just about how you would be viewed by other agents but all about how Jack would look at you."
She didn't reply; she just slowly nodded her head.
He released his grip and strode to the window. He folded his arms and even though he was across the room she could feel the tension radiating from him in large rolling waves.
"Martin?" she asked, cautiously.
He didn't turn around right away but when he did a flash of anger crossed his face and his posture stiffened. "Why did you keep me hanging on Sam? Did I mean so little to you that you didn't care how I felt?"
"No, I was genuinely happy when it was just the two of us," she argued, tears welling in the corners of her eyes. "I never wanted to hurt you. But Jack was…he was a part of me that I couldn't seem to let go of. No matter how much I genuinely wanted to." She pressed her fingertips to the wipe the tears from her eyes before they fell. "I just felt pushed and pulled between the both of you. If I could have split myself in half I would have."
He shook his head and replied, "It still wouldn't have been enough for me." He turned and faced her, his own eyes looking watery. "I wanted all of you."
She bit her lip and nodded sadly. He worked his tongue into his jaw before turning back around, his gaze focused on the view outside. "At least now I know for sure."
The room went so quiet that when Martin's cell phone shrilled, the loud ringing noise sounded like a marching band was in the room. He walked over and picked it up, his tone brisk as he answered, "Fitzgerald." She watched as his features morphed from personal anguish to professional SAC. "I see, no stay on him but don't move in." He craned his neck to look at the clock and finished, "I'm on my way and should be there in about half an hour. Can you arrange for units to be sent to the site? Thanks." He glanced at her. "No, I will contact Agents Chao, Taylor and Spade myself." He clicked off his cell phone and cradled it in his hand. "That was Frasier. It seems that Kramer has made arrangements for a private jet to fly him to London in a few hours. He thinks he's trying to bolt." He walked over to his closet and grabbed some jeans. "We need to head over to the yacht."
She took a final swipe at the unshed tears in her eyes as she stood up and started to the door. "I'll get changed and meet you in the lobby."
He nodded as he reached over and opened the door for her. "Sam?"
She stopped in the doorway and looked up at him. "Yeah?"
He licked his lips and replied, "No matter how it ended I don't regret having tried."
She gave him a gentle smile. "Me either."
"At least we gave it a shot right?" he said, with forced cheer. "Besides, it all worked out for the best right? We're both happy now right?"
She stared at him for a long beat before finally replying, "Yeah, happy." She turned away and stepped out into the hallway. Over her shoulder she said, "I'll see you downstairs in ten minutes."