Chapter 18

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Sam brushed past an orderly mopping the floor, the smell of disinfectant wafting through the air. She could hear Danny's steady footfall behind her and she glanced over her shoulder to see him scratching the back of his neck as he released a yawn. She turned back around and continued down the hall. When she told him she was heading to the hospital he invited himself along. She knew that he had just as much a right to be here and genuine concern for Martin but right now she wished he would just go away so she could go talk to Martin in private. She needed to talk to him about what he did to save her earlier and why.

And most importantly, what it meant.

The door to Martin's exam room was open so she stepped inside without knocking. There were two beds in the room, separated by a thin pale blue curtain. He was sitting on the bed on the far wall dressed in his blue jeans and a white t-shirt. His button up shirt from earlier was balled up on the bed next to him. As she moved closer she saw that he was talking on his cell phone with his back to them, unaware of their arrival.

"No, you don't have to come down but I love that you want to come take are of me." He paused and laughed softly. In that instant Sam knew he was talking to Rachel. "Yeah, well, we both know what a drama queen Chao can be." He ran his hands through his hair as he listened intently, answering and pausing. "No, I'll be back in D.C. before you know it. I love you, too."

The world went still at hearing him say those three words – to someone other than her. These last few hours she was obsessed with how she could reconnect with Martin that she had completely forgotten that Rachel even existed. Now she was slapped in the face with the reality of Rachel – Martin's girlfriend. The girlfriend that he just told he loves.

She suddenly wanted to be anywhere but here as it dawned on her that she had no right to be so upset. She knew that he had moved on, rightly so, but in the span of the last two days she also realized how foolish she had been to let someone like Martin slip out of her hands. No, she didn't let him slip away; she shoved him away.

Behind her she heard the sounds of metal scraping against linoleum. She looked over to see Danny dragging a metal chair towards the bed. Martin turned around and looked at her, the cell phone still pressed to his ear. He had an expression of surprise and guilt evident on his face. She quickly looked away, her eyes landing on Danny who was sitting on the chair, so exhausted he was oblivious to the energy between her and Martin.

With her eyes intently focused on the gray and blue speckles on the linoleum tile she heard Martin say, "Honey, can I call you back?" She heard him snap the phone shut so she decided to risk looking back over at him. He gave her a small smile and said, "Hey, sorry I didn't hear you come in."

"S'right," Danny mumbled, rubbing his tired eyes. "What did the doctor say?"

Martin cleared his throat and replied, "I bruised two ribs but I'm clear to go." He stood up and idly rubbed his side. "The nurse is getting my discharge papers."

"Good," Danny said as he leaned back in the chair, propping his feet up on the footboard of the hospital bed. "We can all head back to the hotel together."

Martin nodded and glanced at Sam when her cell phone shrilled in her jacket pocket. She hurriedly pulled it out and answered it. "Spade."

"Hi…it…ack," the caller greeted.

"Jack? I can't hear you. Bad reception. Hold on," she moved around the room asking him over and over if he could hear her but no luck. With Martin and Danny watching her she walked out the hall and suddenly the reception cleared up.

"Can you hear me now?" he asked.

"Yeah," she replied, relieved to have a valid excuse for leaving the room. As she moved down the hall she asked, "What's going on?"

"I just wanted to let you know that we found Richie Grimaldi," Jack announced. "He's scared but relatively unharmed."

"That's great," she replied, taking a seat in the waiting area. With her eyes focused on an old issue of Highlights magazine she leaned forward and said, "I'll call Frasier so he can tell the Grimaldis."

"That's actually why I called you," Jack explained. "Richie really wants his mom and dad so I arranged to have the bureau jet fly you, Danny and the Grimaldi's back to New York. The flight will leave in three hours."

"Three hours from now?" she clarified.

"Yes," Jack replied.

As he went over the flight arrangements Sam half-listened. Three hours. She only had three hours to talk to Martin about the shooting. Actually, she had less than that since she still had to pack up her stuff from the hotel, go pick up the Grimaldi's and get to the airport. Without knowing what he was doing Jack was once again coming between her and Martin.

Shit.

"I'll have a car pick you up and take you straight to their home," Jack finished.

"Um…okay," Sam replied. "I'll go tell Danny."

Jack said goodbye and closed her phone. She held it in her hands, tilting her head back as he released a heavy sigh. She mentally calculated how much time she would have alone with Martin. Deciding that she would need to talk to him right now she stood up and walked back towards the exam room.

She was just outside the door when she heard Martin and Danny's voices filtering down the hall. She couldn't hear exactly what they were talking about but just as she was about to enter Martin said, "…get down on one knee, look her in the eyes and say, 'I love you. Will you marry me and be my wife?"

"That's how you're going to propose?"

"Yeah, what's wrong with it?"

"It's so…old fashioned." Danny joked.

Martin laughed softly and said, "Well, I'm a traditional kind of guy."

Propose? Propose as getting engaged? Getting engaged as in getting married? Married as in marriage to a woman? A woman named Rachel? The world was quaking under her feet and she felt her knees start to buckle. He was going to ask Rachel to marry him. He loved her and was going to marry her. She hovered in the hall, her feet unwilling to walk into that room and see Martin's beautiful face lit up with the idea of getting engaged to someone who sounded like she was nothing like Sam who feared commitment, intimacy, marriage.

Overcome with an urge to flee she spun around, not wanting to hear another word but when she did she ran smack into Chao who was holding a cup of coffee that was now spilling all over her shirt.

"Shit," he gasped as the dark brown liquid saturated her. "I'm sorry, Sam."

"It's okay, it was my fault," she grumbled as she stepped back, pulling the coffee drenched blouse away from her skin. She heard quickened footsteps behind her and she looked over to see Martin and Danny watching the scene. She took a few steps back and said, "I'm just going to rinse off." She picked up her pace, glancing at Danny and saying, "Um, Jack arranged for us to fly the Grimaldi's back to New York. We leave in three hours."

She didn't give him a chance to reply as she turned and sped down the hall, her eyes searching for the sign marking the ladies room. She finally found one near the waiting area and walked straight inside. She took a few breaths and quickly unbuttoned her top, shrugging it off. She placed it in the sink and turned on the cold water.

She stood there rinsing out her shirt, the grayish brown stain looking wetter but not fading. She suddenly became angry at Chao for dumping his coffee on her. He should have been more careful. Now he has ruined one of her favorite shirts. She rubbed the fabric together, hoping to scour away the stain when suddenly her rage gave way to hot wet tears streaming down her face. She tried ineffectually to continue working on her shirt but the simple task proved too daunting so she dropped it from her hands. Her shoulders hitched and she leaned forward, gripping the edge of the counter as the sobbing overtook her. Her breathing became labored as the tears ran endlessly down her cheeks. Giving in to it, she got down on her knees and sat back against the wall as she cried.

The wall was cold against her skin as she began sobbing uncontrollably. Tears that seemed they would never end rolled down her cheeks, like a rainfall of salt water. She gasped between sobs, her breathing coming in short gasps for air as she was weighed down by the force of her grief.

She cried for the teenage girl she used to be that missed so much of her youth because she killed a man, burying his body where it could never be found becoming a secret that defined her entire life. She didn't regret killing him. He was hurting her sister and he deserved to die. But looking back she wished she had the courage to face what she had done and tell someone. But she was so scared and Emily was so ashamed that they wanted to just hide and bury their secret with him.

She cried.

She cried for her sister who must have felt so lost and scared when she found out she was pregnant with her molester's baby. The baby that was created from an unspeakable act but at the same time she refused to punish, instead running away to give birth and putting him up for adoption. She was so young and had to deal with so much that when she returned she withdrew into herself, never divulging what she had been through during her disappearance.

She cried.

She cried for the loss of her family. The loss of her sister who was once her closest friend and confidant. The loss of a nephew she never even knew existed and still hasn't meet despite offering to donate marrow to save his life. Everyone afraid of him learning of his true lineage and how he was the baby that should never have been; too big a burden for a young man already dealing with so much. The loss of her mother, the woman who gave her life but became so withdrawn that she wasn't an active participant in the life they lived. She withdrew in her own way, dealing by ignoring and pretending all is well, even when evidence to the contrary is in her face.

She cried.

She cried for Jack. The man she spent so many years waiting for, wishing and hoping for, only to discover that she never even knew who he really was. He wanted to love her and she wanted to love him but they were both so damaged by their secrets and lies to really have a chance at something genuine. They both lost so much time and gained so much heartache.

She cried.

She cried for Martin. He wore his heart on his sleeve, offering it to her and only ask that she return his love. He offered her something real but she was too obsessed with a fantasy that she couldn't see him for who he was and what he could give her. She was too afraid to show him who she really was that she hid herself from him only to find that she couldn't see him either. She couldn't see that he would have been willing to risk it all of her, his life if need be, if she would just let him. He was hidden in plain sight but she was too preoccupied with what lied in the shadows. And now it was too late, he was in love and going to marry someone else.

And she cried.