Chapter 21

XXXXXXX

Sam leaned forward against the ledge of the balcony and stared down at the city below. The bright yellow cabs and the multitude of cars and trucks speeding through the city streets like busy worker ants. She glanced up at the sky, the bright blue palette dotted with small white clouds. She closed her eyes, the feeling of the sun beams helping ease her tension headache. After talking with Elena she felt a need to be alone and think about a few things. Actually, one thing, one person: Martin.

She wondered if Elena was right. That maybe her jealousy stemmed from knowing that he was with someone else. After they broke up, she filled the void with a series of random men who were useful for a physical release but once she was done, off they went. However she never heard Martin mention seeing anyone else. To be fair, he was shot shortly after they broke up and then spent a large chunk of time dealing with his pain killer addiction so maybe dating wasn't high on his priority list.

She freely admitted to being jealous about Rachel there was the undercurrent of a much stronger feeling at knowing Martin was with someone else: sadness. A deep feeling of loss gaping inside of her that seemed like a cup that couldn't be filled. It made her heart ache knowing that all the tender things she took for granted he was now doing for someone else; someone who probably appreciated all of Martin's qualities like his open affection, his generosity, and his fidelity. And while she more than anything she wanted Martin to be happy she also knew that she truly felt she could give him that happiness.

The problem was how do you convince someone you are ready for happiness when most of your shared past is littered with hurt?

A soft breeze blew through, causing her hair to whip around her face when she heard the sound of a door opening. She looked over to see Viv stepping out onto the balcony.

"Hey, what's up?" she asked as an errant strand of hair landed on her lips and she tugged it loose.

"I thought you could use one of these," Viv explained, offering a cup of iced Starbucks coffee.

"I certainly can," she replied, accepting the cup. "Thanks."

"No problem." Viv gave her a gentle smile and leaned back, her elbow propped up on the ledge. She glanced at the windows of the building across the street and said, "It's a really nice day."

"Sure is," she replied, taking a sip.

The two women stood side by side, quietly looking out onto the city. Through the banks of windows in the other building she could see men and women working in gray indistinguishable cubicles; answering phones, typing on their computers, filing, and other activities they would repeat over and over, day in and day out. She sighed, remembering that was one of the biggest appeals of becoming an agent. No two days would ever be the same. Each case would offer up new challenges and adventures. It was one of the things she loved most about her job.

Beside her, Viv cleared her throat and said, "So we haven't had a chance to talk since you and Danny got back from California." Sam glanced at her, watching as she idly played with her straw, pumping it up and down in the cup. "How was it working with Martin again?"

Sam began fiddling with her own straw, using it to stir the ice in the cup. "It was fine." She met Viv's eyes and added, "He said to tell you hello by the way." She put her cup down on the ledge. "But I already told you that didn't I?"

"Yes, you did," Viv replied with a smile. "So, how is he doing?"

This time it was her turn to clear her throat, the ice coffee flavor suddenly feeling thick and heavy in her mouth. "You've been talking to Elena..." she began, trailing off.

"Actually, no," she replied softly before jokily adding, "It was Danny but I guess the way they are connected at the hip it's an easy mistake." She tilted her head saying, "He mentioned that you were unusually quiet on the way home."

Sam nodded. She knew that Danny was watching her curiously the entire flight home from Los Angeles. She didn't know how much he knew, if Martin mentioned anything to him, but she did know she couldn't bring herself to confide in him. She was too emotionally drained to talk to anyone about the time she spent with Martin. She wished she could say that their talks gave her closure but in all truthfulness it just reignited old feelings she had forgotten she was capable of having.

She reached over and cradled the icy drink in her hands, the sweat from the cup cooling the palm of her hands. "Martin and I finally got around to having a talk that we had been dancing around for a long time."

"I see," Viv replied, nodding her head carefully.

"Yeah," she breathed. She looked at Viv, suddenly missing the relationship they used to share. Once upon a time they were close, bonded together in being the only two female agents in the team. But somehow over time, their relationship became more distant, who made the first move away was unclear but as the years passed it seemed they were only able to connect during moments of crisis.

Maybe it was time to start fixing all of her relationships.

"Can I talk to you about something?" she asked, her long hair starting to whip around her face as a breeze blew through.

"Of course," Viv replied, bringing her straw to her lips and taking a drink.

"Do you think I am incapable of being in a normal relationship?"

Viv lowered her eyes, shaking her head. "Sam, there is no such thing as a normal relationship."

"You know what I mean," she replied, trying again. "Elena mentioned my history with men and she has me wondering if she's right. If I only want what I can't have – or what I shouldn't have." She released a sigh so heavy that her entire posture slackened. "I always said I liked complicated relationships but now I wonder if I am the complication."

Viv swallowed and looked up at her. It was remarkable that even though Viv wasn't really that much older she managed to seem so much wiser. "Honey, life is complicated. It doesn't matter how long you are with someone, shit just happens." She laughed lightly. "I've been married to Marcus since I was twenty-two years old. We've been though so many highs and lows together, some of the complications were mine, some his and sometimes both of ours at the same time."

Sam shook her cup, stirring up the ice and coffee. "How do you guys do it? How do you keep the complications from screwing everything up?"

"I think it all comes down to putting the other one first, to put their needs above your own." She squinted against the sunshine. "We switch off, sometimes I put Marcus first and other times he puts me first." She pulled turned to face Sam. "When I got married my mama gave me some really good advice. She said that in every marriage there are times when one person loves the other one more. You have to understand that there are times you have to be willing to be the one who loves more and times that you need the other one to love you more."

"I always thought when you got married it meant you love each other equally," Sam replied.

Viv laughed. "That's romanticizing marriage. There have been days it's all I can do to not smother my husband with a pillow." She leaned forward and stared out into the distance. "But I'm sure he could say the same thing about me."

Sam laughed lightly. "Considering you guys are still married I think it's a good sign you don't have that many of those moments."

"Yeah, I guess not," Viv replied cheerfully. They stood side by side in silence for a few beats before Viv softly said, "That must have been some conversation you had with Martin to talk to me like this."

"What do you mean?" she asked.

"We haven't talked about anything this personal in a long time," she replied lightly, although Sam could detect some bitterness in her voice.

"No we haven't," she replied, subdued. "I guess I was worried that you would judge me because of Jack."

"Sam, I don't judge you because of what happened with Jack," she breathed out. "I just wanted more for you."

"More?"

"Jack is a good man but he will never be able to give a woman all of himself," Viv said, her voice tinged with an understanding Sam had never recognized before. "I've seen it with Maria, Anne, you, and…others. He wants more but no woman can compare with all the ghosts and guilt that he carries around. I just didn't want you to get hurt."

"Maybe we should have talked sooner, would have saved me a lot of trouble," Sam tried to joke but there was entirely too much truth in it.

"It wouldn't have made any difference," Viv replied, taking another sip of her coffee. "Some lessons have to be learned the hard way."

"The hard way sucks."

"If it didn't it wouldn't be hard would it?" Viv teased before growing somber again. "So, what did you and Martin talk about to bring this out in you?"

She licked her lips, considering her words. "We got a lot of stuff out in the open." She released a nervous laugh. "A lot of stuff, good, bad, ugly, all of it."

"That must have been tough," Viv replied.

"Yeah, it was but it felt good to be truly honest with each other," she agreed. "And during it all…it was like I finally saw him. I mean really saw him." She looked at Viv, checking to see if she understood what she was trying to say. "Do you know what I mean?"

"I think so," Viv replied, with a knowing smile.

"But now, I am having all of these feelings about him," she confessed. "I haven't been able to stop thinking about him since I got back. I know he is seeing someone – actually about to get engaged to this woman but I don't know, I just wonder if I should tell him how I feel. Just lay it all out on the line."

"Talk about complicated," Viv replied through pursed her lips. "You sure picked a hell of time to fighter harder."

It seemed way more than coincidental to hear Viv use the phrase 'fight harder' in regards to Martin when that was exactly what she had told him just after he broke up with her. With her shoulders squared she turned and fixed her gaze on Viv's dark brown eyes. "What did you say?"

Biting her lip, Viv looked away and mumbled, "Um…"

"Viv…" Sam said with warning.

"Maybe it's time," Viv wondered aloud before looking over at Sam.

"Time for what?"

Viv paused, a nervous look crossing her face. "Martin came to see me after you guys were working that case of the missing psychic and I was at home on medical leave. He was troubled about your relationship and I…and I told him that maybe he should break up with you."

XXX

"So, to what do I owe the pleasure of your company?" Viv asked as she handed Martin the bottle of wine.

He picked up the corkscrew and went to work. "Oh, I uh, I wanted to give you the name of my dad's cardiologist friend…"

"Martin," she interrupted as she sat down on the stool at the counter. "You already used that excuse when you called me this morning. What's really going on?"

He pulled the cork out of the wine bottle and played with it between his fingers. His tongue darted out of his mouth as he considered his reply. Finally, he tossed the cork on the counter and began pouring some of the wine into a glass. He finished pouring and asked, "Can you have wine?"

She shook her head. "No, but don't let that stop you." She watched as he took a drink and said, "Now stop stalling. Why are you here? Does it have anything to do with why Sam didn't come with you?"

He lowered his glass, staring into it as if he were trying to read tea leaves at the bottom of a cup. He was quiet for a few beats and she could tell that his was trying to remain composed. Unfortunately she could feel the energy of his frustration radiating off of him. He finally looked up at her and asked, "You've known Sam a long time, right?"

Viv nodded and replied, "Since she started working Missing Persons."

"I wanted to ask you, as someone who knows her, do you think she cares for me?" He quickly blushed and said, lamely, "That didn't come out right." He ran his hand through his short hair and mumbled, "Christ, I sound like some pathetic teenager."

"I don't think it's a silly question," Viv replied softly. She reached over and picked up the foil from the wine bottle. He gave her a small smile and waited for her to continue. "I can't really speak for Sam's heart but I can honestly say that you are the first person I've ever known her to get serious with."

"Not even with Jack?" he asked darkly.

"She told you?" she asked, taken off guard.

"I figured it out just after Jack told us he was going to move to Chicago," he replied, taking a big gulp of his wine. He lowered the empty glass and poured himself a second serving.

"I think their affair was an escape. They both were going through a lot of emotional stuff during that time. I don't know about Sam's situation, she was more closed off then, if you can imagine," she waited until he topped off his glass before reaching over and taking the bottle and putting the cork back in it. "But Jack was having a lot of problems at home, we had a series of cases that we just couldn't catch a break on, it was a perfect storm." She turned and put the bottle on the counter behind her. She really didn't want to see Martin use alcohol as a coping method. She walked back to the counter where he was sipping his wine. She sat back on the stool and finished, "I was really angry at Jack for letting it go so far. Maybe it was because I was a married woman and a mother and I know it would kill me if Marcus had cheated on me. But then I got even angrier with him for ending it the way he did. He knew he wasn't ever going to leave Maria and the girls but he kept her hanging on."

"I sometimes wonder if she still is," he said, his voice so soft she briefly wondered if she heard him correctly.

Viv took a deep breath, choosing her words carefully. "I think she still cares about him but I hope she is too smart to make the same mistake twice." She reached over and put her hand over his, tapping it gently. "You need to have more faith in yourself Martin. You're good for her."

He nodded his head noncommittally before softly saying, "I just don't know if she's good for me."

"Why do you say that?"

He worked his jaw and replied, "She fought so hard to keep our relationship secret and now that people know she just keeps pushing me away. Now she fights with me about everything. She even got mad at me for using your computer today."

"She's just struggling. You are very different from anyone she has ever dated but I think she really does care for you."

He polished off what was left of his wine and said, "I'm just tired of having to prove myself to her. Lately it feels like she doesn't want me around."

She had wondered if this was going to happen. She always suspected that Sam had some dark secrets from her past and because of them, she always kept everyone at arms length. The only one who came close was Jack and she knew that was because on some level Sam knew that since he was married it was safer. The risks of intimacy weren't as great. So she took a deep breath and said, "Maybe you need to force her to fight."

"I don't think you're following me," Martin replied. "I want less fighting."

"Sam is all about struggle. She is used to fighting for everything she ever got. So maybe she needs to be reminded what she might lose," Viv replied, meeting his eyes. "If you are that unhappy then maybe you should break up with her. If she fights for you, then you know she realizes how much she cares for you. If not, well, then you'll know that too."

XXX

"I can't believe you would do that," Sam exclaimed, floored by Viv's confession. "Why would you do that to me?"

"I really didn't think you would just let him go," Viv finished. "When he came over that next night and told me that what you had said about not being willing to fight harder I honestly thought maybe it was best that you guys broke up." She met Sam's eyes and gently said, "I'm sorry if it hurts you to hear this but I honestly thought I was helping."

Sam could feel tears threatening to spill so she quickly closed her eyes, reaching up to pinch the bridge of her nose, hoping to keep her emotions in check. She took a few breaths and whispered, "I should have fought harder but I was too stupid to know what I had." She closed her eyes, trying to steady her nerves. "I was just so messed up. I built up what I had with Jack so much bigger than it was that I couldn't spare any energy for a strong foundation with Martin." Despite her efforts a few cheeks ran down her cheeks. She wiped them with her hand and tried to joke, "I guess I showed you, huh? I wasn't smart enough to not make the same mistake twice with Jack."

Viv had the grace to remain silent, just gently running her hand soothingly over Sam's back.

Sam took a few breaths and said, "This is the part where you to tell me that I would have to be insane to make another mistake with Martin." She wiped the tears from her eyes and looked at Viv saying, "Or would he be the insane one to try again with me?"

"It's only a mistake if you try and make it like it used to be," Viv quietly answered, pulling a Kleenex out of her pocket and handing it to her. "Einstein said, 'Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. You just have to be willing to make some changes."

"It seems like everyone is moving on, changing," Sam replied, dabbing the last of the tears out of her eyes. She turned around and looked into the office, her gaze falling on Danny's desk. Taped to the backboard was a picture of him with Sophie on a Carousel horse. The little girl's mouth was wide with laughter as he pretended to be afraid of being up so high. "But maybe you're right. As it is I seem to be stuck on some sort of endless loop, always ending up right back where I began. Not really any different, just more worn out from making the same trip."

"Now let me ask you something," Viv said pointedly. "Ignoring everything else, why do you really want a second chance with Martin?"

"I love him," Sam replied instantly, surprised by her own answer as the words left her mouth. "I don't know why I was so afraid to recognize it when it was right in front of my face but I see it now clear as day. I love him."

"If you really mean that," Viv said with a smile. "Then go fight for him."