Chapter 23

XXXXXXX

Sam rolled over in bed, curled herself into the fetal position and pulled the sheet over her shoulders. She went straight to the airport after leaving the restaurant and managed to catch the red eye out of D.C. As soon as she returned to New York she took a cab straight home and collapsed, crying harder than she had ever believed she could. She sought refuge in her bed, wanting to hibernate in it as if it was a cocoon of 500-thread count Egyptian cotton sheets. The emotional rollercoaster she had been riding the last few days had finally pulled to a stop leaving her woozy and disoriented and she decided that she wouldn't leave her bedroom until the world slowed down and she could walk on two steady feet.

She had laid it all on the line for Martin and he said no. And as much as she wished she could be angry with him she knew deep down he was right to say no. Their time had come and past and now he was focused on his future. And he had a good future lined up. He was a Special Agent in Charge of his own unit and seemed to be in a stable and loving relationship. His future was bright and sunny while hers seemed hazy and unfocused. What were her plans for the future? Go to work on Monday morning, work a case, and then what? Go back to work on Tuesday and do it again? Her life was like the instructions on a bottle of shampoo – repeat as needed.

She released another heavy sigh and rolled over again.

The room was dark, the drapes pulled tightly shut to protect her raw red rimmed eyes from having to face a beautiful sunny day that seemed to be mocking her. She sighed heavily, her head sinking deeper into the pillow when she heard her doorbell ring. She nestled deeper into her position trying to ignore whoever was at her door when it rang again followed seconds later by knocking. Deciding that this person had no intention of going away, she kicked off her sheets and drudged irritably to the front door.

She peeked through the peephole and saw Elena standing on the other side. She hadn't told her what she had planned on doing and she had been dreading have to say aloud that Martin had rejected her. She pressed her forehead on the cool wood of the door, took a deep breath, planted the best smile she could muster on her face and then turned the doorknob. "Hey."

Elena gave her a sad smile and said, "How are you doing?"

In the instant that the words left Elena's mouth Sam realized she knew. "How did you find out?"

"Martin called Danny and told him what happened."

"Of course he did," she growled, turning around and plodding back down the hall to her bed with her shoulders slumped.

"He was worried about you," Elena replied as she stepped into the apartment, closing the door behind her.

With her back to Elena she just rolled her eyes before crawling back into her bed. The last thing she needed to hear was that the man who rejected her was concerned about her now. As far as she was concerned Martin had no right to even think about how she was coping. She pulled the sheet over her head and clasped her eyes shut. A few seconds later she heard Elena's feet walking past her bed followed by the rustle of fabric. Through her sheets she could see that Elena had opened up the curtains, letting the daylight inside.

"Go away," she moaned.

"No," Elena replied, moving towards her bed. Sam felt the bed dip next to her. Elena reached over and tugged on her sheet saying, "Look at me, chica."

Sam yanked the sheet off of her head and glared at Elena. "What?"

"Como que 'what'?" Elena replied. "You just went through something very emotional and I want you to talk to me."

"There's nothing to tell." Sam tilted her head back, tears starting to well in her eyes again. "He said no, he doesn't want me." She reached up, rubbing her tired eyes. "He said he didn't think he could trust me and it was too late."

"I'm sorry, sweetie," Elena said, as she soothingly ran her hand over Sam's arm. "So what do you want to do? Should I go buy three tubs of ice cream and you can just drown your sorrows in Chunky Monkey?" She reached up and brushed some hair away from Sam's face. "I could call a curandera I know and ask her to put a curse on Martin. Maybe give him a bald spot and turn his teeth green?"

Surprising herself, Sam smiled. "Thanks but I don't think it will be necessary." She released a deep breath. "I wish I wanted to hurt him." She scooted up in her bed and added, "It would make my life so much easier." She shook her head pensively. "But the truth is I don't blame him. I mean, he's right. We've been apart for years and then out of the blue I come charging into his life, begging him to take me back."

Elena moved over so that she was sitting shoulder to shoulder with Sam, her back against the headboard. "So he is like Sofie's doll?"

"No," she replied, her throat burning. "I did realize how much I love him but once again, I was so engrossed with how I was feeling that I didn't stop to think about what he might have wanted. He moved to D.C. to get away from me you would have thought that was one big fucking clue." She grabbed one of her pillows and burrowed her face in it. "AUGH! I'm such an idiot! What was I thinking?" A thought flashed in her mind, she lifted up her head and threw the pillow across the room. "No! This is all Viv's fault. She is the one who told Martin to break up with me and she is the one who told me to go fight for him. She gives shitty advice."

"Don't say that. Besides, if it helps, I talked to Viv and she feels terrible," Elena replied as she played with the loose strands of Sam's hair in an affectionate and motherly way. "She told me when she told you to fight for him that you would just try and reconnect with him. She didn't expect you to fly down there and confront him."

"Well, tell her from now on she needs to be more clear," Sam replied as she slid down the bed so she was half laying down and half sitting up. She wasn't really mad at Viv but it felt good to find someone to focus her frustrations towards even if it just was for one minute. "It just figures that when I finally take a big leap of faith that I would fall flat on my face with a splat."

Elena slid down so she they were shoulder-to-shoulder. "The question is are you going to stay on the ground feeling sorry for yourself or dust yourself off and get out of bed?"

"I haven't decided yet," she replied with a heavy sigh. She shifted in the bed when she spotted something glittering on Elena's ring finger. She reached up and grabbed Elena's hand. "You're engaged."

"Yeah," Elena smiled as she studied the diamond ring on her finger. "He asked me last night at Lattanzi."

"Congratulations," she said, a small smile on her lips at hearing that Danny took Martin's suggestion. It was strange to think that just twenty-four hours ago she had asked Martin to marry her instead of Rachel and now she was still single and alone but Danny and Elena were engaged. She licked her lips and asked, "So have you picked a date?"

Elena's smile faded and she suddenly looked guilty. "I'm sorry, Samantha, I'm supposed to be here to talk about you, not me."

Sam tilted her head and met Elena's eyes. "I'd rather talk about you if that's alright." With her eyes on the piece of jewelry she asked again, "So, the date?"

Elena gave in and replied, "We can't officially pick one until I find a new position to transfer into and then we have to wait for the paperwork to go through…"

"Transfer?"

Elena nodded, tucking a strand of her shiny black hair behind her ear. "You know two agents on the same team can't be married."

Sam turned her head to look directly at her friend. "You don't mind being the one to transfer?"

"No," Elena replied with a shake of her head. "Danny loves working missing persons and White Collar was my first choice when I became an agent. I just hope that something opens up soon."

"White Collar? Really?" Sam replied, her face scrunched up as if she smelled something stinky. "Most agents try to do get out of working it."

Martin used to work White Collar before transferring to New York, she thought.

Elena laughed softly and said, "Not me. After so many years working Vice I was tired of having to arrest these desperate, lost and sad women who were just trying to make some money the best way they knew how. I knew that they had next to nothing and one bust could destroy their lives, dismantle their families but that was my job." She looked out the window, a remorseful look on her face. "I knew I'd rather spend my time arresting rich white men who embezzle money from hard working people. That was one of the reasons I joined the bureau."

"What were the other reasons?"

"To prove Carlos wrong," she replied, turning back to look at Sam. "He told me there was no way I could make it through the courses at Quantico."

"Jerk," Sam declared. "Sometimes it's hard to believe that you and Carlos were once together. He and Danny seem so different."

"They are different but that's good," Elena replied with a thoughtful smile. "Being with Carlos could be such a high. He would come home with these huge bouquets of flowers, play some salsa music and dance around the house making me laugh. Those times were so great. But he was terrible at the day-to-day stuff. He would forget to pay a bill, pick up some milk, the ordinary stuff." She gave Sam a wizened look and said, "The thing is life is made up of a lot of ordinary moments and you need someone you can count on."

"So Danny is ordinary?"

"No, not at all. He does the big stuff like dancing and making me laugh," she replied. "But he also is happy to just sit on the sofa and watch TV with me and Sofie or helping her with her homework." She turned and met Sam's eyes. "Trust me when I say that as a single mother, when you see a guy help your daughter learn her multiplication table, help fold the laundry or just straighten up the house it's really hot."

She smiled and said, "I don't know how you do and Viv do it."

"Do what?"

"How you can trust someone enough to let him take care of you," she replied, idly scratching a small itch on her shoulder. "To lose your independence like that."

Elena sighed and replied, "Chica, you don't lose any independence or any of your power when you let someone take care of you. If anything it makes you more powerful. It isn't hard having someone love you, it's hard to let yourself love them back." She turned and met Sam's eyes. "Or to love yourself enough to let them love you."

Tears welled in Sam's eyes at remembering when Martin tried to take care of her with his love.

XXX

It was the sound of dishes clattering and glasses clinking that woke her up.

Sam opened her eyes and glanced around the bedroom. It took a few seconds to readjust her expectations, for the last week she was used to waking up in a dingy motel room so the sight of her own bedroom felt foreign in the early morning hours. She turned her head to find the other side of the bed empty. She started to get up and winced, the throbbing pain on her cheek reminding her of the events from the day before. She sighed heavily knowing that she was lucky to be alive. If Martin and Jack had arrived just a minute later she might be dead today.

She climbed out of bed and padded softly into the bathroom. After she relieved herself she began washing her hands in the sink and looked up to see her reflection in the mirror. Her left eye was still red and purple but the swelling had gone down. The three white butterfly strips were still there, held firmly in place despite the restless sleep from the night before. She stared at her image and smiled at the sight of herself in Martin's salmon colored button up shirt that was wrinkled from having been slept in; the sleeves so long that they reached her fingertips. She rolled them up and splashed some cold water on her face, carefully patting it dry with a hand towel. Satisfied that she was more presentable she grabbed a hair tie and pulled her hair back into a ponytail as she started towards the sounds coming from the kitchen.

She wandered into the living room and the smell of fresh brewed coffee filled the air. Thanks to the open floor plan she could see Martin standing at the sink washing dishes. His back was to her so she was able to approach without him knowing. She walked up directly behind him and snaked her arms around his waist. "Good morning."

"Morning," he replied with a smile, turning his head to kiss her gently on the lips. "How are you feeling?"

"Sore but okay," she murmured against his shoulder. She looked down to see his hands submerged in a sink full of bubbles. "You didn't have to do my dishes."

He laughed. "I had to, they have been sitting here since you went undercover and they were pretty ripe." He pulled out a plate and rinsed it under some running water, adding, "Besides, I wanted some breakfast and there weren't any clean plates."

She leaned against him and replied, "I didn't have much time before I left and it was either clean the dishes or clean my gun. I have more need for my weapon than a dinner plate."

"Good point," he said.

She smiled at him before releasing her arms and moving to the counter to pour a cup of coffee. She took a drink, the hot caffeinated beverage tasting delicious on her tongue. She moved to sit on the stool, drinking her coffee as she watched Martin rinse the last plate. He drained the sink and walked over to the refrigerator, pulling out the eggs and milk. "How do pancakes sound?"

"They sound great but are you sure you have time?" she asked, glancing at the clock. "What time are you supposed to go in?"

"I told Jack that I would be in late," he replied, mixing up the batter. "That I was going to stop by and see if you needed anything."

"Good cover," she replied, leaning on the counter and watching him pour some of the batter onto the hot griddle.

Martin flipped the pancakes over and said, "He told me to tell you to take the day off."

"I figured as much," she replied with a shrug, sipping her coffee. "It's just as well. I have to back to the motel and get my stuff."

"Do you want me to go with you?" he asked as he set the plate piled two pancakes high in front of her. "I can drive you."

She laughed softly and replied, "Stop picking on my driving."

"I'm not picking on you," he said as he opened a cabinet door and grabbed the bottle of syrup, handing it to her. "You're still pretty banged up and I just want to help."

She uncapped the bottle and covered her pancakes in the dark brown liquid. "I know but I think I'd rather go by myself." His expression fell and he leaned on the counter, watching her carefully. She put the bottle down and asked, "What?"

He gave her a soft but serious look and said, "I just want to help take care of you." He reached over and ran his fingers gently along her cheek. "I came so close to losing you yesterday and I just need to make sure you are alright."

"I'm alright," she replied. She nodded to the clean dishes and pancakes on her plate and said, "And I think you are taking care of me. Thank you."

"You're welcome," he replied, standing up and walking back to the stove. "And just because I did the dishes don't start thinking I am going to wash your windows or dust."

She laughed. "Liar, you would if I asked."

He looked over at her and grinned. "You're right. I'd do just about anything if you asked me to."

XXX

She suddenly felt sad that she had so many chances with Martin and let them slip away. Worse yet, it was something she only recently came to realize. She tried to shake off her memory and smiled at Elena. "I'm going to miss working with you. I hate that you have to transfer just because you are getting married."

"Well, you knew we couldn't all work together forever." Elena replied. "Sooner or later the next person from the team was bound to move on. Change is inevitable."

"Apparently so," Sam replied as she idly played with Elena's ring finger, studying the diamond setting. "It must be an amazing feeling to know that Danny wants to spend the rest of his life with you. Right now I can't even imagine someone feeling that way about me."

Elena sat up and squared her shoulders. "Let me ask you something. What if Martin had said yes and agreed to marry you. What would you have done then?"

She cocked an eyebrow and asked, "What do you mean?"

"Would you have transferred to D.C. or did you think Martin would transfer back to New York?"

"I don't know," Sam replied, surprised. "I guess I hadn't thought that far ahead."

"Maybe it's because you really aren't ready for a committed life with Martin. " Elena swallowed and said, "After you and Jack broke up I know I told you to try and not let it affect the work, that it was important to keep your personal life out of the office but now I wonder if I was wrong. Maybe it's time for you to make some changes, too."