THE WHITE ROOM - Part 3

Rodney hesitated at the door to the infirmary, taking a deep breath before actually walking in. Forcing himself to look across the room, he was surprised to see Sheppard, dressed in white scrubs, sitting in the middle of his bed and rocking gently back and forth. His knees were drawn up to his chest, his left arm around his legs and his head leaned forward so that the scientist could barely see his face. The pilot kept running his right hand through his hair, pausing periodically to fist some of the wild strands and pull for several seconds before resuming his almost rhythmic motions.

Rodney startled as Carson walked up to stand beside him. He'd been so focused on watching Sheppard that he hadn't been aware of anyone approaching. "He's not in restraints."

Carson gave a short nod. "No. He seemed calmer this morning, so we took him out to get him changed and get him some fresh bedding. He's been like that ever since. I didn't have the heart to fight him back into the restraints, so I've had someone watching him."

Rodney noticed the male nurse sitting in the chair beside Sheppard's bed. He'd seen him once or twice lately, but didn't know the man's name, which indicated he was probably someone new. Although the man seemed to be working on some charts, his eyes flickered up to Sheppard every few seconds, checking on his charge's condition. Rodney shifted his eyes back to Sheppard.

"Is he talking?" He noticed the Colonel's mouth moving, even though his eyes were squeezed tightly shut.

Carson sighed. "Aye, he's been mumbling all morning, but nothing we can understand. I figure out a word ever so often and Elizabeth caught another word or two of Ancient, along with some other languages. We can't get enough to make any sense of it though."

Rodney turned to Carson, the flaring hope evident on his face and in his voice. "But that's an improvement, right? I mean he's communicating."

Carson shook his head sadly, wishing he could be more optimistic. "No, Rodney, he's not really communicating. I don't even think he knows we're here. He's just mumbling words and, to be honest, I don't think even he knows what he's saying."

Rodney's face fell with the news. "Well, then, what are you doing to help him? Have you run any more tests? We have to figure out what happened to him so we can fix him. We can't just leave him like this."

Carson rubbed the side of his head with his hand and then let it drop back to his side. "Rodney . . . there are no more tests to run. I've done everything I can. I can't fix this."

Rodney balled his fists in anger, hitting the side of his thighs in frustration. "No, I don't believe that. The Colonel didn't just suddenly lose his mind. Something made this happen and we have to find out what. And sending him back to Earth isn't the answer. They won't fix him there and you know it."

Now Carson was the one getting angry and starting to feel defensive. "No, I don't know anything of the kind. They have better equipment and more trained people to work with the Colonel there. We have such limited resources here and I have no idea what could have caused this." Carson paused and took a deep breath, turning to face Rodney squarely. "Rodney, we have to face the possibility that the Colonel just reached his breaking point. We all know what he's been through the past three years and it's a lot more than anyone should ever be asked to endure."

"Oh, no, no, no, don't even go there. You don't believe that any more than I do. Sheppard is not just having some kind of breakdown. If he was going to go all nutso on us, it wouldn't be like this. Think, Carson, you know I'm right."

Carson looked down at his feet. He knew Rodney was right. He'd never really thought the Colonel was losing his mind, but he also knew that sometimes people were blind to things like that when it was their friend. He didn't want to overlook something just because he didn't want it to be true.

Rodney reached out to put one hand lightly on Carson's shoulder. "They won't help him on Earth because they don't know him. He doesn't mean anything to those people, so they won't care about him like we do. They'll just take the easy way out. Diagnose him with PTSD or something, drug him up, and shut him in a padded cell. That'll be his life. He doesn't deserve that."

Carson forced his eyes up to meet McKay's. "I don't know what else to do, Rodney. I don't have the means to treat him here and I don't know what to do for him. I have to split my time between caring for him and caring for my other patients, while trying to figure out what's wrong with him. This way there'll be two teams working on the problem, us and Earth."

Rodney shook his head slowly. "You don't get it, do you?" Rodney turned to look across the room at the shell of his friend, still rocking and mumbling to himself. "Out of sight, out of mind. You'll work on finding him help for a while, but then he'll fade in our memories and we'll get busy with other projects and . . . pretty soon we won't even think about him any more. It's a lot easier to forget someone needs your help when he's light years away and not here cluttering up your infirmary."

"Rodney, that's not fair," said Carson sharply.

"I know," Rodney said softly. "Nothing about this is fair." Suddenly he turned around to face Carson. "That's why I'll be going back to Earth with him. I'll make sure we keep working on finding a solution to this and that he's not alone. I'll make sure they treat him right. He needs someone to look after him."

"Rodney, don't be ridiculous. You can't go back to Earth with the Colonel. We need you here."

Rodney gave a small smile. "Well, with both of us gone, maybe the hole will be big enough to keep your attention focused on helping him. I'll come back when he does."

Carson frowned at Rodney for a moment before shifting his feet and rubbing his jaw. "Rodney . . . I'm not a hundred percent sure . . . I don't know that the Colonel is still in there to get back."

Rodney's look of resolve faltered for a split second, but was quickly firmed back up. "He's never given up on me and I'm not giving up on him. He taught us not to leave people behind and I think he deserves the same consideration. He's in there somewhere and I want him back. Besides . . . I owe him two losses in chess."

Rodney strode across the infirmary and stepped up to Sheppard's bed, sitting on the edge. "Colonel?"

John never looked up, just continued his rocking motion and gentle murmurings as he clutched at his hair and then rubbed his head.

Rodney put his hands on the sides of John's face and turned his head to face him. "Colonel?" The hazel eyes opened and almost seemed to focus on him for a second as John's voice went silent. He stared slack jawed at Rodney and the scientist half expected him to pop out with some sarcastic remark. But just as quickly, he pulled away and resumed his rocking, his eyes glazing over once again. Rodney sat watching for a moment before rising and turning to see Carson watching.

"He's still in there and I'm going to help him."

Carson watched Rodney stalk past him and out of the infirmary. Guilt weighed heavy on his heart. He hadn't okayed the colonel's transfer back to Earth to get rid of him. He'd actually thought that the best plan to get his friend the help he needed. Now he wondered. Rodney was right about one thing. When people were gone, it was easier to forget they needed your help. It became easier and easier to just assume someone else was taking care of them and you could go on about your business unhindered. Carson ran his hand through his hair as he watched Sheppard's pitiful form rock back and forth on the bed. As he slowly walked back to his office, he admitted that he didn't feel much like a proper friend.

oOo

"You want to what?" asked Elizabeth incredulously.

Rodney crossed his arms as he leaned back in the chair. "I said I want a leave of absence to accompany the Colonel back to Earth. I thought I spoke clearly enough the first time."

Elizabeth shook her head, her expression dazed. "It wasn't so much I didn't hear you as I didn't believe you. What on earth do you want to do that for? You aren't a medical doctor, Rodney."

"Well, of course not. I'm a real scientist, Elizabeth, as you well know. But I'm not abandoning Sheppard like the rest of you seem so anxious to do. He needs one of us with him, to make sure he's okay and to keep looking for the answer to what's happened to him."

Elizabeth pursed her lips for a few seconds before thinning her mouth out into a fine line. "We aren't abandoning John. I would never let that happen." Her voice faltered momentarily as she felt her composure failing. Looking away for a moment, she took a deep breath and turned back to Rodney. "We'll continue to look for an answer while the doctors on Earth try to help him as well. I've talked to Carson about this and we feel this is the best thing. If John is in the infirmary, Carson will spend most of his time making sure John's being properly cared for and that doesn't leave much time to search for answers."

Rodney frowned and stood, beginning to pace around the small office. "He should be here with us, his team, his friends . . . his family. Not with a bunch of strangers. They won't . . . they won't treat him like we will. The answer is here, I know it. We just aren't looking in the right place."

Sighing, Elizabeth shook her head again. "We don't have any idea where to start looking. We've already sent teams back to the last four planets you had missions on, looking for anything that might have caused this. Nothing. It could be something that happened ages ago and is just now surfacing. It could be something that happened in the city itself or on the Daedalus."

Rodney suddenly turned and looked down at Elizabeth. "The Daedalus. That's when his headaches started. Did anyone check to see if something was wrong with the beaming technology, something that might have caused this?"

Elizabeth nodded and looked down at her desk, pinching the bridge of her nose with her thumb and index finger. "Yes, that was the first thing we checked after John collapsed, remember?"

Rodney looked sheepishly at his feet. "Oh . . . yeah . . . I remember. Maybe they missed something."

"Caldwell is going to have everything checked out once they get back to Earth just to make sure. Rodney . . . stay here. You can search the Ancient database for something while Carson looks over John's test results and compares it to the records." Elizabeth stood and walked over to Rodney, placing her hand gently on his arm. "I know you're worried about him. We all are. But I'm not sure this city can lose both of you and still get by."

Rodney stood silently for several minutes, obviously lost in thought. He finally lifted his gaze to look at his friend. "I can't. I can't leave him alone like that. He's lost and he needs someone there who cares about him. Radek can search the database and send me weekly updates when you send in your reports. Carson can send along anything he finds too and I can keep you updated on Sheppard's condition and any changes. Maybe I can be searching through the records at Stargate Command, talk to O'Neill about what happened to him."

Elizabeth pulled back and crossed her arms. "Carson said what happened to O'Neill is different from what's happening to John. The activity patterns are very different, as are the symptoms."

Rodney shook his head. "Yes, yes, I know, they are different. But there are some things they have in common, like the increased brain activity and the sudden ability to speak Ancient. And although the Colonel's problems are more pronounced, they both lost at least some of the ability to control all of their actions and their speech. There are enough similarities that I think it bears looking into." Rodney watched Elizabeth struggle for a moment before continuing. "Let me go with him . . . at least for a while. We can't just pack him up and send him back by himself. Please."

Elizabeth grit her teeth at the all too real prospect of sending her military commander and friend to Earth, probably to end up in a mental facility since they had no proof what was affecting him was anything physical. She thought of the things he had said over the past few years, things that showed he had a low opinion of himself, that he expected to be left behind at the first sign of trouble. She thought of the expectation he still had that if someone was to be sacrificed, it should be him. Rodney was right. He deserved more that to be shipped off for strangers to take care of.

"All right, your request is approved. You have a leave of absence for whatever period of time you need. Radek will be appointed temporary head of the Science Department until you return."

Relief flooded Rodney's face as he nodded. "Thank you." Shifting his weight uncomfortably, he began backing toward the door. "I . . . have some things to get set up before I leave, arrangements to make and all that."

Elizabeth nodded, her face strained. "Tell me you'll find an answer to this," she said quietly.

Rodney frowned and took a deep breath before blowing it out slowly. "I promise I won't quit looking until I do." Having reached the door, he turned and walked quickly away, leaving Elizabeth standing in her office and realizing how alone she felt.

oOo

Rodney stood in the door of the infirmary. He'd looked all over Atlantis for Ronon and Teyla, only to end up back in the infirmary and find them here. It was getting late and Sheppard's disposition had obviously changed in the hours since his morning visit. He was back in restraints, twisting around on the bed, pulling with all his might, his breathing labored from his efforts to pull loose. Rodney watched as Ronon paced back and forth at the foot of the bed, looking angry enough to punch someone out. Teyla stood beside the bed, trying to sooth the Colonel with gentle words and a damp cloth she blotted to his face. Sheppard suddenly arched his back off the bed and let out a bloodcurdling scream that prompted Carson and several nurses to come streaking to his bedside.

Rodney stepped back out in the hall for a few minutes, his back to the wall as he tried to slow his breathing and convince himself that he could help his friend. He had to believe it to be able to do what he needed to do. Reminding himself of all the times Sheppard had willingly tried to sacrifice himself to save others, including him on several occasions, Rodney took a deep breath and stepped back into the infirmary. He walked toward the bed where Carson and Teyla were trying to calm a still writhing Sheppard. He noticed the man's face was contorted as if in pain.

"I see he's past the calm stage," Rodney said, not sure of what else to say.

"Aye, I'm afraid we had to put him back in restraints a few hours ago," said Carson. He looked at Rodney, trying to read his expression. "Did you talk to Elizabeth?"

Rodney nodded. "Yes, she approved my request."

Teyla cocked her head to one side. "What request?"

Rodney looked at her and then to Ronon. "We need to talk."

Carson checked the restraints and then nodded to Rodney. "I'll leave you to have your talk. Call me if you need me, and . . . I hope you know what you're doing."

"So do I, Carson." Rodney grabbed a chair and motioned for Teyla and Ronon to sit as well. He began telling them his plan to the back drop of Sheppard tossing and moaning on the bed next to them. When he was finished, he waited on them to tell him what a bad idea it was.

Teyla looked up at John a minute and then back at Rodney. "He should not have to make that journey alone. I am glad he will have a friend such as you to watch after him. We will miss you both while you are gone."

"You'll both be back, though, right?" asked Ronon. Rodney thought he saw a flicker of fear in the big man's eyes and realized that was a first.

"Oh, yeah, sure, as soon as I figure out what happened and get him fixed. We'll be back." Rodney wasn't sure who he was trying to convince. "I need you guys to help though. I need you to keep going over our last missions, see if you can think of anything we missed. If needed, visit the planets again and talk to the people. See if you can find any time where we don't know where Sheppard was or that he was alone. Since we don't know what we're looking for, we're looking for anything the slightest bit questionable or suspicious."

Ronon and Teyla both nodded. "We will go over everything, no matter how small," assured Teyla. "We are his team and it is our responsibility to make sure John is well again."

Rodney smiled and nodded enthusiastically. "I knew you guys would understand. We stick together, no matter what."

They sat quietly for a few moments, watching Sheppard struggle against the bonds. Ronon finally turned to look at Rodney. "What if you can't figure out how to help him?"

Rodney never took his eyes from his friend. "Well . . . that's not an option. It's not if we help him, it's when."

oOo

Pain and confusion. That was his world. Sometimes his mind was flooded with faces and buildings and landscapes, some familiar and others new. Sometimes it was words in a language he knew but he didn't know, plans and schematics for things both familiar and strange. Flashes of sights and sounds, in his head and outside of him, twisting and combining until he didn't know which was up. He was afraid and wanted to run and then he was angry and wanted to fight. There were brief periods of peace, times of sadness.

The sensory overload kept him from being able to focus on any one thing, to figure out where he was or who he was. A fleeting glimpse of a familiar face or voice had him fighting to reach out and embrace the reality, to grasp it for just a moment. He yearned for a moment of normalcy, even though he no longer knew what that meant. And the fight brought the pain, pounding and relentless, coming from everywhere and yet from nowhere. He was lost and he no longer even grasped that fact. There was nothing with meaning any more, only images and sounds and light and emotion and pain, none of it making any sense.

TBC