…STORY ONE
DEATH OF DUDDY BOY
It wasn't a movie-like funeral, in fact it was a normal sunny day with sing-song birds and wispy clouds.
Basically this day was a fairy tale day, the perfect day for a funeral.
"Today… we come to mourn …"
It wasn't a very large funeral; the Dursley's wanted to keep it that way for their perfect little boy.
Nothing but the immediate family and close friends.
Harry wasn't even invited at first, but then they remembered that the family already knows about him.
They were forced by their own consciousnesses to invite and threaten him into obedience.
Well, threatening comes naturally so that wasn't really forced.
Nevertheless, Harry sulked in the back of the assembly with Ron, whom the family didn't even know was there.
"…mourn the death of a wonderful boy…"
"We came to laugh, really." Harry snickered bitterly to Ron.
"Yeah," Ron replied, "too bad they couldn't find a coffin big enough for Dudley, he's decomposing already. Ewwww…"
"Well at least they didn't try to squeeze him in one."
Harry chuckled for a brief moment, continuing,
"There was a king that they tried that with. He exploded. Literally."
"EWWW!!" Ron squealed, though was quickly hushed by Harry as a pug-faced family member shot a disturbed look back at them.
"…and so I ask the father, Vernon, if he has any words to say."
The solemn priest was practically pushed off his podium as Vernon attempted to ram himself between the podium and the wall behind it. Sweaty and breathy, he triumphed over the podium as it creaked beneath his monstrous weight.
"Yes. My Dudley died an honorable and beautiful death. I'm sure Dudley died happy knowing he choked on chocolate cake instead of that nasty rabbit food Petunia has been feeding him."
Harry grew glummer at the reminder and muttered;
"I was going to eat some of that cake until he smashed his fat ugly face in it."
"Hey Harry, can we go see the corpse now?"
"What's the rush?"
Ron began to fidget uncontrollably as he admitted;
"I 'accidentally' ripped up Hermione's letters to Krum. I want to hide them in one of Dudley's skin folds."
"Smart. I'm giving him his smelting stick back so he can take it back to Hell with him. Then Vernon can't use it either."
"Yeah, but there's also umbrellas, Harry. And spatulas and fire pokers and the cross…"
"Shit. I didn't think of that…"
The priest soon won his defeated podium back, wheezing;
"…and as a final tribute I will ask if anyone else would like to say anything?"
Silence claimed the spectators, even snores, until the distinctive sound of an idiot falling backwards in his chair echoed,
as well as the statement "I would!"
The priest waved his aged claw in approval.
"Please approach the podium. Who are you, son?"
A small mousy boy, soon recognized as Piers by Harry, scampered up to the mike.
"I'm an old friend of Dudley's and I'd like to do something special."
Harry snapped out of his daze, stiffening in what seemed to be fear.
"Oh boy…"
"What? What, Harry?? Tell me!"
"Ron…Ron I think he's going to…"
Piers suddenly puffed up with pride and squeaked;
"I'm going to sing a revised song by Jewel Spirit."
"Aw shit." Harry shuttered, "He is."
"Uh…should I be worried?"
Piers' voice is known to Harry as squeaky, off tune and annoying. And that's exactly how it sounded.
"Faaat boyyy…Goes to school…he picks on the kids, wedgies real coooool…he eats doughnuts inside and cows that diiiied
…oooh fragile fatttt… the boy who ate the caaat…faaat boyyy… goes about his day…
trying to think of meaaan things to say like"I'll give a swirlie today" and "I'll hit Harry this wayyyy…
oooh fragile fattt… the boy who ate the caaat…Hush…sleep…don't think…just eat…
Your daddy's many chins, and you're mamaaa's duddy kinssssss…
Ya know I love ya… but not because I hang with yaaaaa…faaat boyyy… says, "wouldn't it be nice?...
If I could have more creammm than fightsss?...
or have desert before din, and just pass funny winddddd…"oooh fragile fatttt… the boy who ate the caaat…!"
The song ended pathetically, yet suitably, with crackling sobs.
Not just from piers though, the whole damn crowd was sobbing, weeping, and sniffling.
Aunt Petunia glanced around at the sight with puffy wet eyes and swiftly stood, applauding.
"That…that was so BEAUTIFUL!!"
The mass of criers were quick to echo her.
"YEAH!! SO BEAUTIFUL!!!"
Harry was speechless. At first he thought this was the most idiotic crying in mass amounts that he had ever seen,
but he took it back when his mind jumped to the memories of moaning myrtle.
Suddenly Ron stood and jumped around, clearly impatient.
"I'll hide Hermione's letters elsewhere, can we just go now??"
"Yeah," Harry said, standing, "Milk Dud can live in Hell without his stick."
But Hell came to Harry as piers' recognizably pre-pubescent voice screeching over the sobs,
"ANOTHER ROUND, EVERYBODY!! FAAAT BOYYY… GOES TO SCHOOL…"
Harry was quick to sprint, leaving Ron bewildered and behind for a second.
"Hurry Ron, move your ass!"
Ron skidded around the corner into the hallway where Harry was almost at the door, screaming;
"I'm sprinting, I'm sprinting!!!…and I'm cramping, I'm cramping!!! Owww!!!"
Almost to the door, Harry prepared to take a bounding leap…
Only to trip over a large solid object that makes a horrible noise when you trip over it.
"OW!!! What the…?"
Scattered on the floor, Harry peered behind himself to see the backside of a very pathetic looking person crouched in the fetal position.
The position was expected, but not the fact that the backside was bare
(As is the rest of the body).
"F-fuckin'…Potter…"
"Malfoy??!!"
Malfoy turned to face his nemesis, his appearance a tad spooky.
His eyes were wide in horror, yet blank and apathetic, his lips were bothered and torn, and his nose rims had been ripped.
His natural root color had even begun to grow in.
"Get. Me. Out. Of. Here."
"you know what, Malfoy? I'm not going to ask why you're here or what's with the leash..."
"That's for the better, really."
"But you better be able to fit in a car trunk. The Ford's backseat is crammed with Ron's Lego shit."
"HEY!" Ron screeched from the other end of the hall, still bent over with cramped pain,
"Those need to get to a very important convention!"
"whatever."
Harry stood up a bit shakily, steadied himself, and then bent down to scoop up the battered Draco into his arms.
"Alli-oop!"
"Potter?"
"What?"
"First, that was such a fag thing to say."
"Shut up!"
"Second, that's a pretty fag thing you're doing."
"Huh? I'm rescuing you! How is that faggish??"
"No, I mean, your hand is on my ass. And that better not be your finger."
"Heh, heh, what finger could you possibly be referring to?"
Draco lifted a skeptic eyebrow.
"(Sigh)…sorry, I'll stop."
"Guys? What are you whispering about?"
"Nothing Ron…"
…STORY ONE END