Wow! I actually updated fast! Now i am impressed! I've been such a slacker with updates recently its just not funny!
Disclaimer: I own nothing. I also forgot the disclaimer for the first chapter the song is I Wish by Gabrielle and this song is Age Aint Nothing But A Number by Aaliyah
Reviews
Robster639: Thanx for the review (blushes) here is the next installment hope you enjoy it!
Now without anything further to say here is chapter 2
Why Is Love So Hard?
Chapter Two: Age Ain't Nothing But A Number
There are five stages to full blown head over heels love the second is the sometimes easy, almost always hard and definitely nerve-racking stage of taking a risk. Here you have to ADMIT the crush both to yourself and the person it involves.
Hmmm this could be interesting….
Age ain't nothing but a number
Going out ain't nothing but a thing
Nothing I have for you will never change
Tonks knew she had to do it, she had to tell him she'd been telling herself this for over a week since her discovery when taking Harry back to school the problem was she had no idea how she was meant to tell him.
What if he didn't feel the same way?
What if she ruined their friendship the truth of the matter was she would always rather be a friend than risk ruining any chance of being around him.
Oh god, how soppy was that? But, she realised as she sat back to watch him conduct yet another Order meeting and present his findings, she had to admit that it was the truth.
Had she really fallen that hard?
She couldn't believe it.
Shocking but true.
Age ain't nothing but a number
Going out ain't nothing but a thing
Nothing I have for you will never change
Now she had to decide what she was going to do. Actually scratch that, she'd already decided what she was going to do she just had to find the courage to do what was needed.
She felt sick every time she thought about it. How could it be that she had the courage to face ten Death Eaters and not blink an eye because that was what was expected of her. She was with the Order, it was expected she wasn't afraid to fight and thought she had proved it quite nicely on a number of occasions.
So how was it she kept putting this off?
All she had to do was tell her crush that he was indeed her crush and wait and pray to whatever god she believed existed what it all worked out ok. Except of course that Tonks wasn't a great believer in God she believed in choices and choosing your own destiny.
Perhaps that's why this was so hard for her to contemplate?
She was letting someone else take control of one aspect of her life and she had to admit that she liked the odds of going up against a particularly violent band of Death Eaters better than coming out of this unscratched.
She stumbled her way into yet another meeting and sat as Dumbledore explained what they were meant to be doing while trying to keep her eyes off Remus.
Here I am and there you are
Your eyes are calling me to your heart
All you gotta do is knock
And I'll let you in
She knew she had to tell him, and she would but of course the Order came first so she would suffer through. She was speaking to the group and she looked up and happened to notice that Remus was looking at her intently. His amber eyes were almost drinking her in.
Then we can feel the passion
That we're floating in
They were looking at her so intently she felt a blush creep up her neck and fought to control it but she couldn't control the fact that her hair colour changed from mousy brown, something she hadn't been able to change, to bright pink.
She felt relieved for a moment before she realised what it would mean. Fortunately for her she often changed when she was in the middle of an idea or she got excited about something so fortunately she could cover it. And as she suspected no one said a thing.
Still even after their assignments had been handed out and the meeting had been adjourned she could still feel his eyes on her. She wished she'd had the courage to look him in the eye but she'd been terrified that he would see right through her.
But she knew she had to do this. She had too. It was tearing her apart making her go insane rejection had to be better than this.
I don't mean to be bold
But I gotta let you know
I've got a thing for you and I can't let go
No, anyway she wouldn't think about that. She would rather cling to the fantasy now than know she had no chance in hell of ever being with him. But she knew she had to tell him this was driving her insane. She felt like pulling her hair out. Her magic was being affected and she was having trouble transforming. She'd seen the kids look at her in worry and she hated that they were all worrying about her.
She was having trouble changing and she suspected that other members of the Order were starting to suspect her. Kingsley viewed her with a thoughtful expression and Molly's knowing smile was going to end up being her downfall. She couldn't handle this.
She raked her hands through her hair staring herself in the face through the glass of the mirror. This was stupid! She wasn't at Hogwarts anymore! She wasn't some teenager with a hormone induced crush what the hell was that? She knew it shouldn't be this way but Remus made her feel like she should be. Remus made her feel like a gutless teenager and it scared her.
Age ain't nothing but a number
Going out ain't nothing but a thing
Nothing I have for you will never change
She looked as her eyes flashed different colours in the mirror, well, she thought at least she knew her power was in there somewhere even if it was avoiding her at the moment. It was there. Under the surface at least. She knew this couldn't go on.
But it wasn't like she hadn't tired to talk to Remus it was just the last time she'd froze up when it came to the crunch and she'd ended up talking about something else entirely.
She shook her head as she remembered. She'd gone to Remus after they'd had lunch at The Burrow with every intention of telling him but then at the last moment she'd changed her mind.
Age ain't nothing but a number
Going out ain't nothing but a thing
Nothing I have for you will never change
She'd spoken about Sirius and how much she missed him. Her cousin that she was only really beginning to know and then he had been taken from her. This was something that she had felt quite strongly about and knew Remus would understand and she did Sirius.
Her mother had talked about him so often, the pain in her voice was evident how she had been so sure that Sirius been one of the only Black's to come out of their family and be untainted and even though he had been sentenced to Azkaban Tonks remembered that Andromeda had never really given up on her favourite cousin even when everyone else had.
So when Tonks had found out he was innocent she had sent up a prayer of thanks but now she missed him so much there was like an ache in her chest. Something that she talked through with Remus while he listened and offered support.
Two friends in mourning.
Take my hand and come with me
Let me show you the way in
Now though as she stared at herself in the mirror she realised that she was out of options and now was the time to be brave and face the fact that there was no way out of this other than to tell him.
And maybe face the pits of hell, she was sure that might have been easier. She had heard Molly say that Harry had said that facing the Hungarian Horntail was easier than asking his ball date out.
Now facing the prospect of facing Remus Tonks could eagerly agree. But she knew she had to do it. So she took a deep breath and splashed water on her face and went to the Order meeting knowing that after this meeting the real fireworks would start.
For better or for worse.
Boy be brave, don't be afraid
Coz tonight I wanna go all the way
The Order were packing up again and Tonks knew she had to take her chance now. She had to do it now before she lost her nerve again. She had to tell him before he worked it out on his own.
God knew she'd been so obvious and she was so scared about what he was going to say she'd put off telling him but now she had no choice she had to do this. She waited until everyone else had cleared out and as she had suspected he was the last one to finish packing up.
She approached him and put her hand on his shoulder ignoring the electricity and buzzing that seemed to jump up her arm at the contact.
He looked up at her and smiled and she had to fight to keep from melting she took a deep breath and said, "Remus can I talk to you?"
I don't mean to be bold
But I've gotta let you know
I've got a thing for you and I can't let go
He smiled and said, "Sure Tonks what do you want to talk about?"
Tonks stalled a moment now she was here and attempting to explain what she wanted to say she couldn't find the words to do it. "Tonks?" Remus asked as she stood there trying to find the words.
She looked up and smiled, "Oh sorry, I've just got something important to say and I'm finding it hard to get the words out."
Remus said nothing but he frowned slightly and the expression on his face said he was listening and he would wait for her to explain herself. He smiled and trued to help her relax it wasn't hard to see how utterly confused and terrified she was.
Age ain't nothing but a number
Going out ain't nothing but a thing
Nothing I have for you will never change
"Tonks," Remus said gently. "You do know you can tell me anything right?" Tonks grinned and laughed gently. "I'm not so sure about that you know Remus." She said wringing her hands nervously. Remus smiled his quiet smile and put his hand on her shoulder and she tired not to melt at the touch. "Come on Tonks you know you can tell me anything. I'm here."
Tonks gave a strangled nod because he was so understanding. So kind and gentle but she knew that this would change everything.
Just as she was going to turn on her heel and run she caught a flash of something in his eyes but it was gone as quickly as she saw it. She frowned. It had to be her imagination.
It just had to be?
Didn't it?
Tonks opened her mouth and shut it again. This was hard! She'd tried so many times to do this and every time she'd managed to think of a reason not to or talk herself out of it. Now looking at Remus she knew she didn't have that choice so she decided enough with the waffle she'd just come straight out and say it. It seemed to be the only way this was ever going to work.
Come on! She told herself sternly you can do this. If you can face Death Eaters without blinking an eye then you can do this. Come on where is your Courage?
"Okay." She said in a strangled whisper. "Here it goes." She looked up at him and she was sure he could see the emotion in her face. "I like you."
There.
She'd said the words.
Age ain't nothing but a number
Going out ain't nothing but a thing
Nothing I have for you will never change
Remus said nothing and Tonks finally plucked up the courage to look him in the face. He had stopped still and was staring at her. Then he seemed to deflate. "Tonks, what's so huge about that of course you like me we're friends."
Tonks' jaw dropped. He had to be kidding right? He HAD to be kidding. Surely he could tell that was NOT what she meant. She looked up into his face her eyes taking in every line of his face.
Yeah, there it was the flash in his eyes. He knew exactly what she was talking about because it was reflected in his eyes. But she knew she had to say it again. She had to make him believe her.
"No, Remus." She said quietly. "I mean I like you more than a friend I want you and you know I do. I can see it in your eyes." Remus shook his head and took a step back.
"No Tonks. You can't." He said looking anywhere but right at her. But now she'd said the words she wasn't about to be deterred he would listen to her even if she had to follow him to the end of the earth.
My Age Aint' nothing but a number
I don't mean to be bold
But I've got a thing for you
And I can't let go
"Remus I do like you. I want you. I want to be with you don't you understand what I'm telling you?" She said desperately. She could feel her heart breaking into two. How could he do this to her? How could she have fallen so hard so fast?
How could she have taken that leap off the cliff without even realising that she had? How was that even possible?
"No Tonks you can't." Remus said again his voice sounded almost as desperate as hers did. She looked at him them and saw the terror, the terror and the feeling behind his eyes. She knew then that he liked her too, he cared about her too but something was holding him back.
"You can't." He said again. This time it was almost as though it was a whisper. "Why the hell not?" Tonks said losing her temper. "I like you Remus I can't help that and what's worse it now I know you like me too!" The words flew out of her mouth without them meaning too and Remus seemed to freeze.
Age ain't nothing but a number
Going out ain't nothing but a thing
Nothing I have for you will never change
He spun to face her emotions flashing to quickly for her to read. "Since we're being truthful I'll be truthful. Yes. I do care about you a lot." Tonks felt her heart flutter this was more than she could have dreamed. "But…" Remus said not realising her inner turmoil only focusing on his own. "This can't work. You must know that. This can't work. We can't be together."
Tonks was sure that in that moment her heart would break. But she had come this far and she wasn't about to give up now. "I don't see any damn reason why not!" She said.
Remus looked at her like she was insane. "Tonks look at us! I'm old, I've got no money, I'm a social outcast and I'm a god damn werewolf!" He said the last word with so much venom Tonks almost took a step back but she realised that was what he wanted.
He wanted to push her away. But she wanted him too much to let him go. "I don't care about any of those things." She said firmly. "I want you Remus I knew all those things before and they don't change how I feel now."
Remus rubbed a hand across his face. "Tonks, you're young and beautiful." At this she blushed. "You need someone who will be good for you. Someone Young and whole not a werewolf. I won't do that to you I can't."
"Remus!" Tonks said throwing her hands up in the air. "Haven't you been listening?" She was nearly screaming now. "I. Don't. Care." She said pronouncing each word to try and make him understand.
Age ain't nothing but a number
Going out ain't nothing but a thing
Nothing I have for you will never change
"I Don't. Care." She said again. "I don't want anyone else. I want you."
"You need someone whole someone young. This can't work Tonks surely you see that?" "Isn't that my choice to make?" Tonks asked quietly. "Remus I don't want anyone else. I don't see anyone else when you're around me."
He looked pained and started to pace as she said this. She stopped and said,
"Don't you even want me at all? Because if that's what you're trying to say then say it." Remus looked conflicted for a moment and then before she could do anything her lips were crushed under his own.
My age ain't nothing but a number
This thing I have for you it'll never change.
Before she could even respond Remus pulled away looking mortified. "I'm sorry." He said pacing. "I just can't help it you make me go insane!"
But Tonks didn't notice she put her hand up to her lips. She knew she had to have a silly grin on her face but she didn't care. Remus. Had. Just. Kissed. Her! Her! Nymphadora Tonks! She wanted to shout it from the roof tops.
She looked at him and knew he was about to break her heart. He was too scared. To scared to take the leap. "I can't do this Tonks. I…I this just…I can't do this."
And without another word he fled the room and Tonks felt her heart break as he left and she knew she wouldn't get her heart back because it had been taken from her.
It had left the room when Remus had walked out with it.
So here we are at the end of the second phase of our story I've given you time I haven't asked yet but have you figured out the answer to the question?
Come on guys! Tell me! Why is love so hard?