OMG Its been ages but yes I am alive... well i think so anyway lol so because i've been away so long im just gonna get on with it
Disclaimer: Oh come on I wish...
Reviewers:
Noc007: Thanx for the review its here at last the next chapter in the saga if you're still interested read on!
maybethedreamisdreamingus: Thanx for the review. The next chapter is here! I love Tonks and Remus too not to spoil it too much but did you love them In Deathly Hollows? So good! Anyway here is the next chapter i hope you read on!
Why Is Love So Hard?
Chapter Three: Behind These Hazel Eyes
There are five stages to a full blown head over heels love. The third is the mind numbing, heartbreaking and usually inevitable stage of rejection.
Don't worry we all have to be rejected usually it helps the other see what they're missing out on sometimes it doesn't always work but rejection can be a good thing it brings closure to a relationship that was never meant to be. But sometimes it can work, happiness can happen. Let's just hope Remus does for Tonks…
Tonks thought she would never function properly again when Remus had stormed out of the Order in a panic and closed the door on her shattered heart. She wouldn't feel so bad if she thought that this was what he wanted. To be apart from her, that he didn't love her but she knew different now and it was breaking her heart all over again.
Why did he have to be such a stupid, stubborn bastard? Why did he have to use the fact he was a werewolf as a cover to everything? Didn't he get that she didn't care. She loved him anyway. She had always known his secret and it didn't change anything in fact it just made her understand him more.
Understand and love him more.
And now her heart was shattered.
Seems like just yesterday you were apart of me
I used to stand so tall I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight
Everything it felt so right
Unbreakable like nothing could go wrong
She had thought it was such a good idea. Telling him, and it had been. He'd kissed her. She could still feel the kiss on her lips even though it had been over a week ago. But she only had that to cling to because Remus seemed to be avoiding her.
She hadn't seen him and the only time she had was at Order meetings and he seemed to be avoiding her eye and disappearing as quickly as it was over.
The few times she had managed to corner him his answers had been the same. She could do better, he was too old, too poor to dangerous. As if the fact he was a werewolf mattered worth a damn to her?
He was being stupid but he didn't seem to be listening when she actually tried to tell him this. She wanted to be with him and she didn't care that he was a werewolf, that he was poor, that he was 12 years her senior none of that mattered she didn't care. She loved him.
She wanted him. He just wasn't listening. She wanted to scream. She never thought it would hurt so much.
Soon he stopped going to the meetings all together and she knew that this was because he had gone into deep cover to discover the allegiance of the werewolves and though it was stupid she felt heartbroken and hurt that he hadn't even bothered to say goodbye.
She knew it was probably better because she thought that seeing him might make her want to throw up. But still in the months he was gone she really did miss him. She knew he was reporting to Dumbledore personally through Prontus because correspondence in person or by letter was almost impossible.
Tonks tried not to be hurt by the prospect but she knew it was needed as much as she hated it. This wasn't Remus' fault, not the fact that he couldn't communicate and not the fact that he didn't have the courage to face the feelings he had in there somewhere.
Tonks knew it had to be hard for him, and she would have let go if she'd thought that he hadn't wanted it but she knew that wasn't the case. He could tell her he didn't care, that he didn't feel anything but that moment after the Order had proved differently and now she couldn't help feeling that he was probably glad to be away because he then didn't have to face the truth.
Tonks on the other hand was not only having to face the truth she was having to live with the consequences and she felt like she was walking around in a daze.
She felt all her breath had been stolen from her and she was having trouble sleeping.
It hurt to think about and she knew her powers were suffering. She had received an invitation from Molly inviting her to Christmas dinner but she didn't think she could handle it.
Remus would be there, if he'd managed to get away and she didn't feel like pretending to feel the Christmas cheer when all she wanted to do was drown in her tears.
Now I can't breathe
No I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on
She knew she wouldn't go despite Molly's insistence. She would just remain at home in the hopes that she could drown her tears away. It wasn't practical but at the moment it was all she had and all she was willing to give.
If Remus wasn't willing to meet her half way then she didn't want to see him. If she didn't see him she figured it wouldn't hurt as much.
She didn't want to make an already horrible situation worse. Was it possible that heartbreak gave so physical symptoms? She felt sick, dizzy and didn't want to eat. The only thing that she truly cared about was the Order and she suspected that the only reason her powers were working at all was because she was determined to still function to do her bit in the war.
The Order needed her help and she was desperate to give it despite the situation she found herself in. Actually if she was truthful it was helping her with the situation she found herself in. It gave her something to do something to think about something to focus on when her life seemed so surreal and truly out of focus anyway.
She'd been working so hard that when Christmas did eventually come around she found herself wondering where the time went and wondering how she could have missed it. Although with no word from Remus she was surprised she hadn't withered up and died. She felt like her being was being torn into pieces and when she looked in the mirror she didn't recognise the girl staring back at her. Who knew that heartbreak could turn into such a physical sickness?
Here I am once again I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it
Can't pretend
She'd be a fool to say she hadn't seen the glances she was receiving from some of the other Order Molly, Arthur and Kingsley to name the main conspirators in the plot.
That was, she decided what it was. It had to be for her to be suddenly summoned to see Dumbledore. Now, she thought that was low. Involving the boss, the leader who she respected too much to disregard the advice. That was low. It wasn't fair. No the conspirators definitely were not playing fair.
She walked through Hogwarts remembering the time she had been there and the fun she had had but she remembered those times with such happiness that now walking through it with her heart was heavy as it was, everything seemed to have lost it's colour.
Her feet knew the way so she let them walk her to the headmaster's office while she pondered what she was going to say though everyone knew that Dumbledore always seemed to know the ins and outs of the school and definitely the Order so surprising him was definitely out of the question.
Dumbledore came into the office and sat down. "You wanted to see me sir?" Tonks asked quietly. "That I did Tonks, that I did." Albus looked tired. Tinks realised. Tonks had never thought of Dumbledore as old but looking at him now she realised that was how he looked. Old and drawn yet as she sat with him his eyes were still sparkling reminding her of the headmaster she remembered.
Tonks waited quietly while Albus regarded her for a moment and then he said, "I've heard from a few sources that you have not been yourself of late Tonks." Tonks shrugged. How could you explain to your old headmaster that you were heartbroken? That you'd found the one you loved and now you were shattered inside?
She just didn't think she could find the words. But the pain, yes there was definitely pain. So much damn pain.
Just thought you were the one
Broken up deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I've cried
Behind these hazel eyes
"It's true," She whispered but I have no idea what I'm going to do about it." She said quietly. "And what has brought about this change Tonks?"
Dumbledore asked but Tonks had the sneaking suspicion that the headmaster was well aware of what and who had caused her change in mood.
Change in mood, change in ability to work and ability to wield magic. Great, she thought bitterly he might as well just have well and truly screwed me up. But, then hadn't he done that anyway?
Tonks shook her had she had never thought that a person would ever have this kind of power over her. The power to make her smile, or burst into tears with a single smile or a single word. She had never ever thought it possible. She never thought she was that kind of person, but then that was before Remus had come into her life and turned it upside down.
Tonks looked down at the table her mind in complete turmoil. "I'd rather not talk about it Sir." She said quietly. "If you're worried about my work with the Order I guarantee it will not effect it." It's one of the only things I truly still care about, she thought bitterly.
"I don't really care about the Order work Nymphodora." Dumbledore said gently making her look up at him. "At least not at the present moment. At the present moment my concern is for you." He smiled and looked down at his clasped hands.
"In all honesty, I do not fight because I need to, or even because it's right. Though those things are certainly worth fighting for. But times such as these it should be a priority but what is the point of fighting for something so hard when we really have no idea why we are fighting for it."
He looked directly at her and said, "Do you have something you're fighting for at this moment in time? We all do something because we know it's right or wrong but why are you fighting for this?"
Tonks stared at her old Headmaster stumped for what he was trying to say. Dumbledore had told her he wanted to talk about the Order Meetings and yet here he was basically didn't give a damn about the Order at that moment now she was definitely confused.
Dumbledore must have seen the look on her face because he took pity on her. "One person fighting for their freedom, for someone they love is more powerful than twenty trained mercenaries. They are definitely more powerful than those that are forced into it."
He paused, "But if that one person no longer believes in what they are fighting for then we might as well be fighting for nothing." Tonks looked at Dumbledore. "I'm not quite sure what this has to do with me sir." She said quietly.
"You can't give up on him Tonks. He's lost so much he has yet to see what is right in front of him. Fight for it with everything you have."
I told you everything opened up and let you in
You made me feel all right for once in my life
Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to be
Tonks knew she should have not been shocked Dumbledore had proved on more than one occasion that he somehow knew almost everything that went on in the school and particularly in the order but she was anyway.
The thing between her and Remus was private or she had thought it to be. Perhaps she was wrong. "Speak to him." Dumbledore said. "He needs to know how you are feeling my dear." "I do he's just not listening!" Tonks said.
Dumbledore smiled. "Then my dear you must make him listen." Tonks wanted to ask how but she didn't she simply nodded and promised herself that she would try.
After all this was truly what she wanted.
So together but so broken up inside
Coz I can't breathe
No I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on
Tonks went to the next meeting not really expecting much but was shocked to find that Remus had returned and was sat between Kingsley and Bill discussing some mission Kingsley had just returned from. Tonks wanted to corner Remus right away but she knew that it really wasn't a good idea. She knew he'd just run from her again.
They waited patiently as reports filtered in from all over the Order. Tonks hung her head as more reports came in of attacks on the Wizarding population as horrible as it was to say there were simply too many now to keep track of.
She looked up at Remus and realised with a start that he was watching her but as soon as he realised she knew he looked away. She stared at him hard before returning her attention to the Order. They had work to do but he didn't think for one minute he was getting away with this.
She would talk to him if it was the last thing she did. When the Order meeting was over and they had their orders for the next week she managed to corner Remus before he escaped. "Remus I need to talk to you." "Dora I've got to go." He said softly.
"Dora?" She asked. She knew she was smiling but she couldn't help it. Remus returned the smile even though she knew he was trying not too. "I know you don't like Nymphadora but Dora seems okay to me." Tonks smiled softly. "Yeah, I like it."
Remus smiled and then caught himself. "I really need to get going." Tonks grabbed his arm. "Why do you fight this Remus?" Remus sighed almost as if he realised he wasn't going to get out of this easily. "Because you deserve better than I can give you." Remus said softly.
Tonks resisted the urge to scream, how could he be so blind? She didn't want better. She wanted him! "Do you not listen to me at all?" She asked him pleading with him to see sense. "I don't want better, I don't want anyone else I want you! I can't pretend anymore and I'm not going to deny the fact I truly like you, want you and that I lo-"
Remus pulled roughly from her grasp. "How can you?" He asked. "How can you want me when you know what I am?" Tonks gave up and pulled him to her and kissed him hard on the mouth. She was sick of trying to explain herself.
She felt him kiss her back, just like before, before he pushed her away. Just like last time. Tonks felt her heart break all over again why didn't he believe her?
Here I am once again I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it
Can't pretend
"Why can't you believe I want this, that I want you?" She demanded. Remus pulled a hand through his hair. "I want you Dora, I do but you've got to understand this will never lead anywhere. I'll only hurt you. I'm an outcast nothing good can ever come of this. nothing."
"You doing this to me is hurting me than anything could when I'm with you!" Tonks screamed her emotions finally getting the better of her.
"Are you completely blind can't you see what this is doing to me?" Tonks pulled her hair agitated. "Do you not think I would have let go if I could have by now?" She demanded.
"I hate what this is doing to me." She whispered brokenly. "I can't concentrate. My magic is off and my heart hurts every time I think of you and the fact you don't want me but I want you anyway. I can't look at anyone else because all I think about when I do is you!"
Remus stared at her in shock and Tonks found that she was savagely pleased he was shocked. She knew it was wrong but she wanted to him to feel some of the pain he was putting her through because she didn't know if you could stand much more of it.
Remus stared at her and Tonks knew she shouldn't have said anything but she couldn't help it. He drove her insane and the feelings she had for him wouldn't just turn off no matter how much she wished they would.
Before she knew what was happening she was being tugged into another kiss and she responded enthusiastically. She was the one that pulled away to stare at Remus. "You drive me crazy." He whispered brokenly.
"I want to be with you, you drive me crazy I can't think when I'm around you but you must know this can never work." He said brokenly. Tonks went to argue but Remus cut her off saying the words and wincing each time.
"You need someone young and whole, someone who you can be with without people staring. You don't know what people do to people like me and I would never forgive myself if you became a outcast because of me."
Tonks looked at Remus and pain blossomed in her chest followed by the elation that despite the pain he cared about her enough to think of her first. All the feelings that she had been trying to get rid of came flooding back. She had known she'd had no chance in hell of getting rid of them and this just proved it.
"Surely Remus that's my choice to make. Don't push me away. Please believe me, don't shut me out. I don't care!"
Just thought you were the one
Broken up deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I've cried
Behind these hazel eyes
Remus looked at Tonks and felt longing in his heart like he had never felt in a long time but he knew he couldn't be the reason her life was ruined. She had no idea what it was life to be a social outcast and being with a werewolf would certainly make her one. Despite her assurances he couldn't do that to her. He would never forgive himself.
He had already broken the promise he had made to himself that he wouldn't let anyone too close now he had to repair the damage. He cared about Dora to much to let him into the chaos that was his life.
He knew he shouldn't have kissed her but he couldn't help it. He did care about her he knew that it could grow to more, that it had grown to more but he couldn't let it happen. Not in good conscience. Tonks was too good a witch, too much of a caring person to be cast out because she was with a werewolf and Remus knew that was what would happen if she stayed with him.
He still didn't believe she could care too much. Years of transformations had taken its toll he looked older as it was anyway and he knew all the scars would probably make most people wince. No he wouldn't let her see something like that. Not to mention that he was twelve years older than her and she could do so much better than him.
"Dora please try to understand." Remus said. "I can't do this. I can't make you an outcast simply because you're with me. You deserve someone so much better than me. I care about you I always will but this can never happen. I can't hurt you that way!"
"And you think this is better!" Tonks snapped her eyes flashing "I've never felt pain like it Remus!" she said throwing her hands into the air. "I wish I could just point my wand and turn these stupid feelings off but I can't and its killing me. If you don't care just tell me and then at least I can try and move on!"
Remus was about to respond when Dumbledore's Phoenix appeared. "I need you all at the school I will be leaving for a few hours I need you to patrol the corridors." With that the Phoenix disappeared and Dora sighed.
"There is always something isn't there?" She shot him a look of such pain that Remus felt as if it had pierced him through the heart. But before he could say anything else she disapprated with a small pop and Remus had no choice but to do the same thinking he could have probably handled that a whole lot better and that he was such a prat for hurting her.
Swallow me then spit me out
For hating you I blame myself
Seeing you it kills me now
No I don't cry on the outside anymore
Tonks met up with some of the other members in the Halls and they said the same thing, that Dumbledore had told them he was leaving the castle and they were to patrol the halls until his return. Tonks took up her post with the sense that something was about to go seriously wrong. She knew things in the world weren't right, she had spent most of the year on missions with the Order trying to out step the Death Eaters but they always seemed just one step ahead.
But she knew that for the sake of everyone in the Wizarding and the Muggle world, she thought of her father, she knew she had to keep fighting. So she knew it was important when Dumbledore had called and told all the Order members that were available to go to Hogwarts and patrol the corridors as he left the school. Where he was going Tonks had no idea but she knew they had to make sure the students were safe.
The battle seemed to sneak up on them from nowhere. One minute they were patrolling the Halls and then everything was dark and the Death Eaters had descended on them. The halls of Hogwarts descended into Chaos as the Order battled the Death Eaters and Tonks watched horrified as one of the Death Eaters screamed a victory and shot the Dark Mark into the sky.
Tonks found herself in a battle with a masked Death Eater and she lost sight of the other members of the Order in the fray she watched as Snape disappeared up the staircase towards the astronomy tower. and then watched as someone tried to follow and was thrown backwards before she had to turn her back to make sure she avoided any serious injury.
She saw Snape tear down the stairs with a blonde boy with him. She heard him scream that the task was done and to move. She was sure she saw Harry tear down the stairs but had to take her eyes off him to finish her own battle.
And then as quickly as it started it was over but it wasn't without causalities she helped bring Bill into the hospital wing his face a mess of gashes and she wondered if he would survive but then Harry came in and brought the news that had everyone floored.
Dumbledore was dead. And suddenly the elation she had felt at beating the Death Eaters at the school wasn't important anymore. Dumbledore was dead and just as she was about to scream it couldn't be true Fawkes started to sing.
Here I am once again I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it
Can't pretend
Tonks couldn't believe it. Dumbledore dead? He couldn't be! She'd just seen him a few short hours ago but the lack of light in Harry's eyes, the way he was speaking, the way he almost seemed to curl in on himself as he told them what happened told her that this was no dream. It was their worst nightmare come to life.
"Snape killed him I saw it." Harry said looking at the floor but Tonks saw the fire in his eyes. Tonks realised when why Dumbledore believed in Harry so much Snape had made a fatal mistake in leaving Harry alive.
At that moment there was a commotion outside the door and Molly and Arthur came in the door Molly rushing to his son's side. "Oh Bill!" She sobbed stroking the bed covers.
She looked at her son. "Not that it matters what he looks like of course but he was going to be married." "Was?" Fleur said looking up for the first time. "Do you think zat he will not want to marry me now?" Fleur said furiously. Molly looked lost for words. "No of course not?" "Do you think it matters what he looks like!" Fleur said. "Did you think that I would not want to marry him, or perhaps you Oped! I am good looking enough for both of us!" She said to a wide eyed Molly.
"These scars just prove zat my husband is brave!" She said furiously "And I will do that!" She said snatching the ointment from Molly. The whole room stopped and stared Tonks watched with wide eyes waiting for the blow out but it didn't come and instead Tonks watched as Molly and Fleur broke down crying a new alliance forged in the middle of a war.
Just thought you were the one
Broken up deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I've cried
Behind these hazel eyes
Tonks stared at Fleur. That girl had just gone up ten fold in her opinion. She truly loved Bill. She didn't care what he looked like she just cared that he was going to survive. Bill had been tainted by a werewolf and Fleur didn't care. Why was she and Remus any different?
She looked at Remus and he glanced at her but said nothing. Well, if that was how he wanted to do it, she could do it too.
"You see!" Tonks said in a strained voice. She glared at Remus hard. She knew he whole room was staring at her now but she didn't care. She had to make him understand.
"She still wants to marry him even though he's been bitten! She doesn't care!"
It's different!" Remus said barely moving his lips and looking suddenly very tense. "Bill will not be a werewolf the cases are completely-"
"But I don't care either! I don't care!" Tonks said suddenly needing him to understand. She seized the front of his robs and shook them. "I've told you a million times…"
"And I've told you a million times," Remus said refusing to meet her eyes "that I'm to old for you…too poor…to dangerous…"
"I've always said that you were taking a ridiculous line with this Remus." Molly said as she patted Fleur on the shoulder. "I'm not being ridiculous." Remus said steadily.
"Tonks deserves someone young ad whole." He looked at the floor again. "But she wants you." Arthur said softly with a small smile. "And after all Remus young, whole men do not always remain so." He gestured at his son laying between them.
"This is… not the moment to discuss it." Remus said firmly avoiding everyone's eyes and looking round the room distractedly. "Dumbledore is dead…"
"Dumbledore more than anyone would have been pleased that there was a little more love in the world." Professor McGonagall said curtly as she entered the hospital wing but Remus said nothing else.
Tonks watched in silence as they discussed Dumbledore and then McGonagall and Hagrid led Harry out the room and the others remained with Bill. Tonks looked at Remus again and gripped at his hand. "Remus look you need to realise I just don't care. When will you understand that?"
Here I am once again I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it
Can't pretend
Remus looked down at Tonks not quite believing what had happened. "Tonks…" He tried again but Tonks simply squeezed his hand and looked at him her eyes changing colour from the emotion she was obviously feeling.
"Remus I don't care. I really don't care."
Remus stared at her. How could she not care? He was a monster, a danger to everyone around him he couldn't hurt her too he'd die if he hurt her. Why could she not see that it was for the best?
Just thought you were the one
Broken up deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I've cried
Behind these hazel eyes
Remus didn't have the strength to speak of it now so he turned and left getting ready to meet with McGonagall to discuss their next move he was surprised when he felt a hand on his arm. He looked back at Tonks and she smiled a watery smile.
"I won't give up on you Remus I can't I love you too much to give up on you that way." Remus stared at her but didn't make her let go of his arm. In that moment he realised how much he had missed her and how terrified he had been that something would happen to her when they had been fighting. Now he had a chance to be with her. So they would not be a normal couple, but really who was a normal couple. Maybe this would work after all.
Maybe…
"Maybe we should start again." He said softly leading her out the door and he could have sworn that her smile lit up the whole of Hogwarts in the aftermath of what had happened.
Perhaps there was hope after all.
Right here we are again come on if you haven't got it right now, well I'm not sure you will. Come on throw it at me! Why is love so hard? I think Poor Tonks is starting to figure it out.
Have you?