Title: Inner Compass

A/N: Hopefully when this is done everything will connect quite nicely in past and present. I appreciate you sticking with me on it until it does!

Disclaimer: I have no ownership or rights to this universe, even though I love it so.

It would take several weeks before the pilgrimage Simon needed to make would be convenient. The bounty stolen from Warner's account had gone a long way to ease stress on the ship, but they were still a working crew and jobs were still too scarce to turn down when it would take plenty of fuel to get where Simon wanted to go.

But it seemed the time had been good for them all. He certainly couldn't remember a time when life on Serenity had been more pleasant. Even before Miranda, if the crew were happy, he had had River constantly heavy on his mind and heart. Back then, he had been a tightly bound mess of fear. Fear for River's safety and her health, fear that the crew would discover the purpose of her training at the Academy and his own inability to guarantee her stability, fear that the Alliance would track them down or Mal would tire of the complications they represented.

But now River was sane, safe, healthy. Kaylee was no longer a forbidden gift he would not allow himself to indulge in - she was his wife and for the first time, she did not have to accept second place in his priorities. Jayne was happy to have his own account flush again and Mal not jumping down everyone's throats to conserve protein packs. Zoe was content because her Captain was content because that was simply how it was between them.

And one of the inspirations of Mal's contentment seemed to be sitting at the same table with Simon, sorting through a stack of papers just as Simon was. Simon watched Inara for a moment. Of anyone on the crew, she was the most outwardly changed - infused with purpose and excitement over planning her wedding.

It had all happened very quickly after the night River confronted Liu. As soon as Simon had led River to the infirmary to inspect her battle scars he'd noted Mal being led aside by Inara. Whatever was spoken between them - the next day the news had been delivered... Inara had accepted the long-standing offer of engagement from one of her regular customers: a wealthy and well - respected land developer on a beautiful green planet.

The wedding would be as lavish as the life they most certainly would be leading. Inara looked up and smiled softly at Simon who returned the smile then returned his attention to his own papers. Simon would have expected a moody and cantankerous reaction from the Captain, but oddly enough, there seemed to have been a wedge removed between the two star-crossed... whatever they were. In fact, Mal was practically sensitive to Inara's needs as she planned. The work he'd found had been specifically charted around the appointment scheduled by her fiancee: the date she would leave Serenity.

Simon heard Mal's voice heading toward them and, out of the corner of his eye, caught Inara stiffen and, if he wasn't mistaken, intentionally relax before Mal's hulking form passed by them, acknowledging them with a nod as he continued whatever argument he was carrying on with River. River followed in his wake, a comically slim and graceful contrast to her opponent - though if Simon recognized the dark look in her eye, Mal had picked the losing side again.

Simon watched after the two of them thoughtfully. He'd noticed the way River looked the Captain... Since the very beginning she'd watched him. But Simon had assumed then it was because she didn't trust him... wasn't sure if they were safe on his ship. Then, after the dust had settled from Miranda and River and Mal had been the last two standing, Simon had recognized something else in her eyes and, until now, he'd refused to name it. After all, as long as Inara was on the boat, he couldn't imagine the Captain...

Simon glanced sharply back over at Inara, who remained immersed in her own future. Simon closed his eyes briefly, focused on taking a deep and calming breath. He would never truly let go of the feeling that he had to look after his sister, but this would certainly be the ultimate exercise to watch her choose... Simon took another breath then forced his mind away from that line of thought and back to his task at hand, matters that most definitely did concern him: whether or not his parents deserved a relationship with their children. He was sorting through years of correspondence, trying to get a handle on Regan and Gabriel Tam, people he'd grown up thinking of as loving, wonderful parents. People he now thought of as proud, unyielding, and inexcusably blind at best. At worst... well, that was more difficult to articulate. Armed with as much objectivity as he could muster, he was trying to piece together a realistic view; to marry the good memories with the damning before he talked to them; Before he confronted them with whom they may have sent after River and decided if he would sever ties with them forever.

Simon sighed heavily, he was simply afraid if they had no new account of the facts, his whole childhood would slip away from him... nothing more than a dream or a mirage.

Morning after the Wedding:

When Mal awoke again, the light through the shades was more insistent and the girl beside him was watching him curiously, "What?" Mal was still sore, still feeling slightly sorry that he'd yelled at River, still feeling slightly annoyed that he'd risen to Inara's bait, but generally rested and that made him generally content.

River's head rested on her arm, her long hair tousled with sleep looked softer somehow in the filtered light, "I don't worship you."

Mal sighed, "Well, good morning to you too."

"I think you are stubborn and difficult."

"Hey," Mal turned toward her slightly, "You ain't exactly the picture of easy going either."

She gave him the ghost of a smile,"I also happen to respect you as the most honorable and brave of men. Your strength and your courage shine brighter than you could possibly understand or hide. I am not the only one on your crew that owe you my life - you've redeemed us - given us dignity and honor as well," River took a sad breath, "She blinds herself to protect herself. And she refuses her -"

"What she refuses or not, little River, is not on your account," Mal put his hand on her hair, just to feel it, just to thank her for her unwavering loyalty. Her little speech cut him to his core. Though he knew she must see him for all that he was not, though he knew how hard it must be for her to trust anyone, though she was anything but blind and anything but powerless, she submitted to him simply because it was his right. She humbled and scared him and he appreciated her more than he could possibly tell her.

"I don't mean to scare you. Did tell you there was no worship," she whispered, mildly indignant.

Mal's lip curled, not thinking twice at the mind reading, "Wasn't that sort of fear, River. Never was scared of you - just scared of what they could make you to do." River nodded sadly and Mal felt the tug deep in his chest. Almost without thinking his fingers curled slightly against her neck and pulled her face to his. Almost still dreaming... almost not fully aware of his intent, his lips touched hers and he was pulsing with the knowledge of it. She wasn't just a discarded experiment, she wasn't just the pilot of his ship, she was bright and warm and beautiful but, when it came to the point that a decision had to be made, Mal was already pulling away.

There was a moment where his mind was numb, unwilling or unable to let reality come back to him. But it did. And it swamped him with guilt. Completely disgusted with his weakness, Mal shook his head slightly and sat up, dragging his legs off the bed and resting his head in his hands, "Maybe Inara sees more than you give her credit for."

He heard the rustle of fabric and felt her weight settle beside him. He looked warily at her, not even trying to find something to say to defend himself, to apologize. She smiled softly at him, "The wedge between you and she has nothing to do with me, neither can I shift it for you. But I promise I will not add to it. I owe you both much more than that."

"River-"

River rose fluidly, "I would like to freshen up in my own room and put on clothes not soaked with blood."

Mal wavered between relief that she was letting it go and anxiety over what he'd done; what he still wanted to do, "I need you to stay close today..."

"I'll return to Serenity directly, wave you when I get there," She removed the chair propped against the door and moved it aside.

"I had promised a rec day."

"It will be for me... on Serenity," River said turning back wryly, "Besides, the proprietor is on his way to question you about the damage to his door, and I'd rather not join you for that conversation."

Mal shook his head with a curse and let all the air out of his lungs at once. He couldn't seem to refill them very easily. He looked up at her, misery in his eyes.

Her hand rested against her cheek on the edge of the door as looked at him wistfully, "Nothing and no one would take me away from you. I wish you could trust that... and also not be so afraid of it."

And with that, she slipped away.