Title: Understandings

A/N: This took a while to decide POV etc, next chapter shouldn't take so long.

Regan Tam loved the market fair. She looked forward to the local presentation every month... all month. She researched what would be on display and which designers had potential. In the weeks preceding the sale, she walked through her house imagining a new piece of furniture here or an art installation there; it helped distract her from the boredom that had gradually seeped into her life.

Her eye caught the flash of a blue glass orb that she had no interest in buying, found herself staring at it -ignoring the anxious and hovering artist. Simon's favorite color had been blue... Regan tossed her hair, felt a tingle at the back of her neck and looked over her shoulder curiously. Nothing - she should have learned not to pay attention to those... intuitions long ago. Regan shook off the feeling and looked around for her husband.

Gabriel, currently discussing the price of the table she'd wanted with the proprietor, was looking well. Even while haggling, Gabriel always seemed a bit looser, a bit more like the man he had been before during these market trips... Before...

Regan felt the prickling on her arms again and this time, when she turned around she caught a young woman watching her from about fifteen feet away. Regan was afraid to blink, and, no matter what her mind told her, Regan knew with a certainty only a mother can have that she was staring at her daughter.

Regan opened her mouth, but no sound came out. She reached out beside her, as if Gabriel would have seen as well, as if he was certainly right beside her. When her hand grasped someone's arm, she knew again, at once, that she was touching her own flesh and blood. She turned from the vision that was River to look up into her son's dark eyes.

"Simon," she whispered, like a prayer.

Simon nodded to her, "Hello Mother."

Regan struggled to compose herself, "Your sister, I saw-"

"River will come when she's ready. I'd like to talk to you. You and Father."

Regan couldn't answer. Emotion she hadn't acknowledged for years raged through her. Her children. Fugitives. Her babies. She was still a mom, after trying to ignore and suppress it all this time, the maternal instinct came back with a vengeance. She would not lose her children again. Fear gripped her heart in an instant. How would Gabriel react? She couldn't let him ruin this. What if they never got another chance? How would she tell him, how would she communicate to him how important this was to her when they had never once spoken of it? Regan's frazzled mind locked onto her husband's face, saw the moment he recognized the man on her arm.

In less than a breath, Gabriel had approached them, "And just what the hell do you think you're doing coming here, exposing us to your criminal-"

Regan grabbed her husband's arm, "Gabriel!"

"If you raise an alarm," Simon's voice was steely cold, "you'll never see either of us again. You can count on that."

"We won't!" Regan assured him, holding onto both of them as if they could slip away at any moment.

Simon kept his eyes on his father, "I would like to speak with the two of you. There are things I would like to clear up."

Regan had no recollection of how they had found the rather shady looking bar they were in, much less how they had become seated at a table she would normally not have dared touch. But drinks were being delivered and Simon was talking in the same deadly serious voice. He had been such a sensitive child, where was this - coldness coming from? She struggled to pay attention to what he was saying.

"River is here with me," Simon began, "But we felt it would be best if I spoke to you first, discussed some ground rules..."

Regan looked around... but could find no sign River. Gabriel was vibrating beside her, his voice level, though his emphasis clear enough, "Ground rules? Ground rules! You kidnapped your sister!"

"I rescued her-"

Gabriel snorted, "From the safety of a government run institution into a life of running from the law?"

Simon took a breath, "I didn't come here to argue the facts."

Regan fidgeted in her seat, torn between wanting to linger on every feature of her son to needing to see her daughter. River was certainly close, she had to be.

"Then what is your purpose here," Gabriel's voice rose above Regan's thoughts, "And if you've come to extort money, I can tell you you are sorely-"

Regan's heart began to pound, "Gabriel, please."

Simon's eyes lingered on the door as a couple came into the bar. Regan looked back only to see a tall rough looking man, an anxious young woman, wearing the most ridiculously lacy dress she'd ever seen on his arm; Still no sign of River.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Mal surveyed the room in one sweep and led Kaylee to a table behind Simon's. Kaylee was already biting her fingernails when they sat, staring at the family scene with a mixture of worry and wonder. She looked like a character from an old nursery rhyme, looking for lost sheep.

Mal leaned against a pillar near the shadows, where a figure lurked on the other side."Can feel you shivering from a foot away," Mal muttered under his breath, "Take it you haven't gone over yet."

River nodded, "Don't want to look. Can't seem to stop."

Mal dropped his hand casually and found hers in the darkness, "You won't get another chance at this anytime soon. Maybe never."

River leaned forward an inch, "She's looking for me."

"That's got to be a start, hasn't it?"

"If the lie is good enough, maybe Simon can believe it, and feel healed. But even if the lie is good, I'll know it's not the truth. But if I don't know, I won't know... can pretend it's better than the lies."

"That may be," Mal didn't understand half of what she'd said, "But River, they don't look so evil to me."

River sighed as the voices at the table rose, "Not ready."

Mal squeezed her hand, and then let go, "Too bad, she's seen you."

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Not only had Regan spotted River as soon as she'd leaned out from the shadow, she'd seen the way the large man had taken her hand and the ease between them. She held her breath as River walked toward their table. She was thin - too thin, but there was still some beauty to her, and poise.

Gabriel stopped mid-sentence as she sat down between him and Simon "River."

She did not glance toward Regan, only locked eyes with her father, "A little over a year ago, you received an invitation to Simon's wedding. You passed that information along to my enemy. We mean to hear why."

"I don't know what you mean!" Gabriel drew back, "Your brother, I fear, I has been filling your head with paranoia and lies since he kidnapped you."

"They were killing me. I reached out to Simon because I knew he was the only one who would listen."

Gabriel shook his head, "Impossible."

"With scissors and knives they carved my brain - can't erase the cuts, but don't have to prove it to you."

Gabriel paled, "I don't believe anyone would harm you at the Academy - they came highly, highly recommended."

"I don't care if you believe us." Simon sighed, "You contacted Dr. Marcus Liu and you told him where we could be found."

"Well, yes! You think that a few years would go by and we'd ignore the only clue we had to where you could be? You may have lost your mind, but we weren't going to let you drag River's entire life down to the sewers. Dr. Liu has connections. He could get us information discreetly."

"I suppose the thought of just accepting the invitation didn't occur to you."

Gabriel bristled, "We had no idea if it was legitimate, much less from you. It could very well have been some fraud or a lure by mercenaries."

Simon exchanged a look with River. She cocked her head to the side, then nodded at him and Regan could practically see the tension melt away from Simon's face, "That is... better than what I hoped."

"Look here -"

"Liu sent someone to the wedding to kill River."

"Impossible!"

"True," River nodded.

"There must be some mistake, I can contact Dr. Liu and you'll see -"

"He's dead," River said simply, "He came after me twice. I would not allow a third chance."

Gabriel wavered then, reached out for Regan's hand which she accepted as a substitute for the touch she wanted from her children.

Simon glanced back at the anxious looking girl in the pink dress sitting at a table behind them, "I'd like to introduce you to someone, but first, there are a few more issues I'd like to clear up..."

The things that followed, the stories Regan heard she could not totally comprehend. But Gabriel was not arguing anymore and she was hearing her children's voices - not the words as much as the sound - so familiar and yet, so strange to her now.

Simon was relaxing by a measure and River even smiled and allowed her father to touch her shoulder. Simon's wife, well... she wasn't the sort Regan would ever have wished for her son, and certainly not a match she would be advertising to her friends, but Regan was in a rather forgiving mood and certainly the girl had a bit of charm to her, low class thought it may be.

Gabriel and Simon digressed into medical talk while Regan watched River, struggling to find some connection to the adolescent she had been when she'd left, and wondering if the girl saw any resemblance in Regan to the mother she'd once been.

"Always be a mother." River offered from across the table, "Your face does not show the time."

"Nice of you to say," Regan touched the creases around her eyes self-consciously, "There's a new treatment I want to try to get rid of these, but your father insists on researching it until it goes out of style."

River smiled hesitantly and Regan found herself wishing she could say River hadn't aged. But she had. Much more than could be allowed for by time.

River had once been... well, Regan wasn't shy to admit she'd been jealous of her daughter's flawless beauty and effortless grace, but she'd been proud too. Of course, River had had her share of pride about it herself. Regan hadn't channeled that out of her because she deserved it - River had deserved to feel a bit above everyone else, because she had been. And now, now... Regan mourned for that girl with all her potential. It would have been something special - to grow old and have such a glorious image to point to as fruit from the same vine. But what was left of her daughter, her offspring? She couldn't even speak properly.

Regan hadn't realized she'd been staring until River stood abruptly and excused herself. Regan frowned, noted the man that had escorted Kaylee in follow her out of the bar. Simon's eyebrows snapped together, "What did you say, Mother?"

Regan shook her head, "Nothing! We were talking about my crow's feet!"

Simon watched her face for a long moment, "What were you thinking, then?"

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Mal caught up with River a few feet from the door, grabbed her arm to halt her progress. Tears were already streaming down her cheek as she whipped toward him, "She's disappointed. So sad I'm so wrong."

Mal took a moment to understand her meaning, then sighed and pulled her into an embrace, "There ain't nothing wrong about you River."

"Speech patterns and hair style and f-fashion," River choked out, her face buried in his chest "She p-probably sees the dirt under my toe nails."

Mal smiled just slightly as he stroked her hair, "Now, now - that's just the psychic in you talkin' - ain't no one else can see the dirt in your toe nails. That smudge on your cheek, now that's a different thing altogether."

River shook her head, "Not funny."

"Okay," Mal took a deep breath and prepared to wait out the emotion; noted with an uncomfortable pleasantness how it felt to have River's body in the way of his breathing.

Mal caught sight of Regan Tam coming out of the bar, but River didn't need to see her to know; turned to face her, stepping away from Mal, "I had dreams too, I had hopes too. All gone, all ripped away and sliced up, but I survived and I can't regret that I can't go back. I can't regret that I lost it all, that I won't ever be what I wanted - what you wanted."

Mal watched River's mother carefully; she was crying freely as well, repeating that she was sorry, so very sorry and Mal believed her. He looked over to River, to see if she was too blind with hurt to see it. She stood quietly a moment, shaking - she'd never looked more alone. She was always a combination of strength and vulnerability - it caught at him like he couldn't describe. Mal had to remind himself not to interfere and that perhaps she looked so alone now because at this moment, it was by choice.

River took a breath, challenge in her eyes, "But I never had a chance to be what I wanted to be. You let them manipulate me before my cells ever divided the first time."

Regan frowned, clearly not comprehending.

River tried again, "Liu told me - the government encouraged you to have another Simon but instead of nature - you let them create me."

"How- River," Regan shook her head, then glanced back toward the bar. She reached out to her daughter for the first time in six years and took both River's hands in hers. When she spoke it was in an urgent whisper, "I never - the - egg they implanted didn't take. But I was afraid... I'd already decided the whole thing was a mistake. I - your father and I got pregnant so quickly after I just... didn't tell anyone. I was afraid they'd force us to terminate the natural pregnancy so I just... let them believe their calculations had been a few days off and... I never thought of it again. I assumed they'd... realize after you didn't display what they wanted that the experiment had failed and then - leave us alone."

"But as time passed, you realized that because they thought I was theirs, I'd never really be yours. And you let go of me," from the intensity of River's gaze into her mother's eyes, Mal guessed that she was reading.

Regan laughed mirthlessly, "You ended up being far more gifted than they'd ever dreamed."

"Then I took Simon away also and your heart became very cold."

"It wasn't fair. I know that." Regan pulled her hands away, "I just wanted you to know... whoever you are, River, you are wholly your own."

River nodded, "Thank you."

Then, with more fear than warmth, Regan put her arms around her daughter. And, after a moment, River returned the embrace before Regan pulled away and pushed her way back into the bar.

It was one of the more difficult things Mal had had to do - to stand there - let River digest yet another emotional epiphany. He was so tired of watching her struggle through this alone. He wanted to do something. He wanted to fix it. He wanted her to know he cared - but the only way he knew how to show that was to shoot at someone and that didn't quite seem to be what she needed at the moment. And so he waited.

After a time River turned to him, "There can't be much else that can hit me now."

Mal took a step toward her, "Huh?"

River smiled up at him, "Got rid of the triggers, my old trainer, the obsessed scientist, resolved my origin, reconciled with my parents... odds are in my favor - smooth sailing from here."

Mal grinned and put his arm around her, "Right, well, I have to admit it was convenient to get it all done in one shot."

River let her head rest against him, "Does make for an exhausting few weeks though."

"Well, don't go into hibernation just yet - we've got another wedding to get to."

"Right. Full circle," River didn't look at him when she asked, "Why did you come?"

"Someone had to escort Kaylee, she was a wreak of nerves, and that dress don't fit through most doors," Mal frowned, wondering how much of his need to be here to make sure River was all right came through to her, and if it upset her, "Er - so.. how did she do?"

"Good. She told my father his new transport was made out of twelve buckets of fancy paint covering rejected scrap metal and put together by morons."

"Ah, well. That's our Kaylee, making an impression."

"Mal."

"Hmm."

"It was good enough you were here, didn't need you to shoot anything."

"Good," Mal stood taller, it wasn't so bad, now and then: being read like a book.

Back to the morning after the wedding:

"Here, Captain."

"Where?"

"Where I said I would be."

"On the ship?"

"Yes."

River listened to the static with interest before Mal's voice came through again, "All right. You need anything?"

River smiled, he was so full of guilt - sweet but completely pointless. She waved off shortly after she reassured him that everything she needed was here on the ship for her. For now.

She stretched out her legs, rested them on the console and looked out Serenity's great front windows. Instead of the black that was so often home there was cloud and color and all the things that made atmosphere so wonderful.

River chose a symphony in her head and allowed herself, only for this day, only in this total privacy to relive and relish what had passed between herself and her Captain.

She would not, as she'd promised, stand in the way of whatever path Mal and Inarra's relationship took. But for just now, she was tired of fighting and thinking and plotting... For just now, she would let herself dream.