Author's Note: This chapter is told from Jess' point of view. The lyrics
to "Jealous Guy" were written by John Lennon.
***
"Jess, I need to talk to you," Luke said as he cleaned the diner's grill. The restaurant had closed an hour earlier and he and Jess were cleaning up.
"Later," Jess said wringing out the rag he'd used to wipe down the tables. He'd finished his closing chores and wanted to go down to the lake to rest.
"No, now. Your mother called today," Luke said casually.
"That so," Jess said just as casually. His mom hardly ever called. In fact, he hadn't spoken to her since she'd shipped him off to Star's Hollow to stay with Luke.
"She heard from your dad today. He's living in California and wants you to come out there and stay with him for a while."
"Hmm," Jess said noncommittally as he draped the damp rag over the faucet of one of the kitchen sinks. He hadn't heard from his dad since he'd walked out on him and his mom almost a year ago.
"I just want you to know," Luke said haltingly, "that if you want to stay here, you can."
"Uh huh," Jess said as he walked into the dining area and grabbed his jacket off the coat rack.
"Jess, if you want to talk about this, I'm here for you."
"Yeah," Jess said opening the door and stepping out into the cool, starless night. It was late and the night was unseasonably damp and chilly. Jess pulled up the collar on his jacket as he made his way toward the lake.
The nerve of that bastard, he thought referring to his father. He skips out on me and my mom - no forwarding address, no phone number, nothing, then he calls out of the blue asking if I'd like to come to California and stay with him. No fucking way.
Just as he'd anticipated, no one was at the lake and that suited him just fine. The only thing he hated was the fact that there wasn't much light at the lake's edge. Consequently, he couldn't read the copy of Truman Capote's In Cold Blood he had in his back pocket. Sitting down, Jess drew his knees to his chest and stared out at the inky water. California. He'd always wanted to go. Not to LA or San Francisco but to someplace like Monterey or Carmel. He used to picture himself walking along the beach staring out at and wondering what was on the other side of the Pacific Ocean. But then he'd met Rory and those dreams had been replaced by new ones.
He knew they were wrong for each other. More precisely, he knew he was wrong for her. Granted they were both into books and always had things to talk about, but her grandparents were wealthy while his had been working class shop and restaurant owners. No, his ancestors certainly hadn't come over on the Mayflower nor did his mother qualify to be a member of the DAR. On top of that, Rory had people who truly cared about her and would do anything for her. He didn't have anyone. His mom didn't want him; his dad didn't want him; and Luke didn't want him.
People often accused him of being angry; well he was, that was the only thing keeping him from killing himself. Like Diane Court to Lloyd Dobbler in Say Anything, Rory had made him trust himself. She was unlike any girl he'd ever known. She'd managed to captivate him with both her startling beauty and her alluring frailty.
But things were different now. She'd obviously stopped seeing him for what he could be and had started seeing him for what he was - a punk, a delinquent, and a criminal. Shifting position, Jess pulled out a pack of Camels. He was supposed to have quit smoking, but what everyone else didn't know wouldn't kill them. Things had started to change about two weeks ago when Rory had gotten accepted to Harvard, Yale and Princeton. Around that time, she'd begun avoiding him and picking fights with him. He didn't blame her though. She couldn't go off to Yale, surrounded by future world leaders, with a loser boyfriend back home.
Maybe going to California wasn't such a bad idea after all. He could get away from Luke, Lorelai, this god-awful town.and Rory. People said out of sight, out of mind, maybe California was just the cure for his unbearable pain.
He stood up. He wanted her to be the first to know. He wanted her to understand that he was setting her free, that he wouldn't stand in the way of that wonderful life awaiting her at Yale - the power career, the society marriage, the 2.5 kids.
As he made his way back into town, it started raining. The streets were empty as he turned on his Walkman and listened to a mix tape he'd made the other day. Most people in Star's Hollow were probably home, wrapped in blankets, huddled with their significant other in front of the fireplace, watching TV, and eating microwave popcorn.
When he finally reached her street, he stopped to look up at her bedroom window. The light was on. She was probably nestled in her bed, the covers drawn over her, reading a book. Maybe he should go back to Luke's, he thought. He was about to leave when she suddenly appeared at the window.
"Jess?" she called down.
"Yeah."
"What are you doing down there?"
"What does it look like I'm doing? I'm stalking you."
"Go away Jess. As you said earlier today, we don't have anything more to talk about."
"I know. I just wanted you to hear this from me, I'm moving to California to live with my dad."
"California?" she called down confused. "Don't go anywhere, I'm coming down."
Jess made his way up the Gilmores' front walk and waited at the door. A few minutes later, it flew open. Jess caught his breath. God, she's beautiful, he thought as she stood there in a t-shirt and jeans with her hair swept up in a ponytail. He loved her hair like that; it made her look so childlike and carefree.
"What is this about California?" she asked, her right hand on her hip.
"Can I come in out of the rain first?"
"Sorry," Rory said stepping aside.
"Where's Lorelai?" he asked looking around for her.
"Out with Alex."
"Oh."
"So what is this about you moving to California?"
"My dad called my mom today. He's living in California and offered to put me up. I've decided to go."
"What does Shane have to say about this?"
"Why do you insist upon bringing her up? Nothing happened between us," Jess said throwing his arms up in exasperation. If it wasn't some bullshit with Dean, it was some crap with Shane, he thought as he shoved his hands into his pockets.
"Then what were you two doing in the woods?"
"Fuck it. Shane asked me to see if I could get her a job at Wal- Mart. Ok? Her mother lost her job a few months ago and her unemployment benefits are running out. Shane needs a job bad and I told her I'd talk to my boss, see if anything is available."
"Oh," Rory said looking sheepishly. "Why didn't you tell me this before?"
"Because it was none of your business. Shane's embarrassed as it is, she doesn't want her business all over Star's Hollow."
"Have you told Luke yet about California?"
"No, but I'm sure he'll be glad to see me go."
"That's not true. He really cares about you."
"Then you'll be glad to see me go."
"That's not true either."
"Look, you don't have to spare my feelings. You're going to Yale in the fall; you don't have time to be hanging out with a zero like me.
"You're not a zero."
"Then why have you been avoiding me, picking fights with me?" he asked sounding like a hurt little boy.
"Jess, things are so complicated."
"I'd better go. I have a lot to do over the next few days. I just wanted you to know I was leaving."
"Don't go," Rory said reaching out to grab his hand and pulling him close.
"Now or to California?"
"Both," she said then leaned in to kiss him.
"What are you doing Rory?"
"Shhh," she said, a determined look on her face. "Why don't we talk about this upstairs?"
"Are you sure?"
"Yes," she said grabbing his hand and slowly leading him upstairs to her room. Once they reached the landing, Jess stood in the doorway, unsure if he should come in. But then Rory turned to him and smiled. That was just the encouragement he needed, he stepped across the threshold, made his way over to her bed, and sat down.
"Do you want to hear to anything in particular?" she asked as she walked over to her stereo.
"I do have this mix tape," he said taking it out of his jacket pocket and tossing it to her. He then took off his jacket and threw it on the floor.
He watched as she put the tape in the player and pushed the play button. Suddenly Joni Mitchell's "Blue" filled the room. Rory walked over to the bed and sat down next to him, then she turned to him and put her hand on his cheek.
"Don't," Jess said, insecurity flooding him. He was so overwhelmed by her; he couldn't say half the things he longed to say to her. Instead, he just sat there listening to the tap, tap, tapping of the rain on the roof.
"Why?"
"What?"
"Why do you want me to stop?"
"I don't know," he said. He didn't want to ruin her; he didn't want her thinking of him as that sleazy punk who'd tricked her out of her virginity.
"Don't you want me?" she asked quietly looking down at her hands.
"Of course I do. I just don't want to hurt you; I don't want you to hate me."
"Granted you do have this incredible power to piss me off, but I could never hate you. I just don't understand why you do some of the things you do."
As if on cue, John Lennon's "Jealous Guy" started playing.
"If you really want to know why I act the way I do, just listen to this song." Jess watched as Rory's face took on this serious look. She cocked her head to the side in order to fully concentrate on the song. John Lennon's voice flooded the room.
I didn't mean to hurt you I'm sorry that I made you cry I didn't want to hurt you I'm just a jealous guy I was feeling insecure You might not love me anymore I was shivering inside I was shivering inside I didn't mean to hurt you I'm sorry that I made you cry I didn't want to hurt you I'm just a jealous guy
"Oh, Jess," Rory said looking him in the eyes. She was crying.
"I'm sorry," he said.
"Don't be. That was beautiful. How could you think I didn't love you anymore?"
"These past two weeks you've been acting really strange. I figured that since you'd gotten into Yale, you didn't want to hang around with a loser like me."
"You're not a loser," she said stroking his hair. "And I never want to hear you say that again."
"Yes ma'am," Jess said giving her a salute.
Without warning, she threw her arms around his neck and kissed him full on the mouth. The force of her movement knocked them both back onto the bed. The next thing Jess knew, he'd wrapped his arms around her waist and was drawing her close.
"Maybe we should stop," he said when they came up for air.
"No," Rory said then began kissing him on his neck.
"Are you sure you want to continue doing this?"
"Yes."
"But."
"Jess, shut up," Rory said as she slipped her hands under his favorite Metallica t-shirt. Slowly they inched up his chest until she reached his shoulders then she pulled the t-shirt off.
Jess caught his breath; he was shocked but pleasantly surprised. He'd never expected her to take the initiative like this. Tentatively, he pulled her t-shirt over her head. There she laid next to him in a white lace bra with a little blue bow on it. He wanted to laugh but knew this wasn't the best time; it was just that it was exactly the kind of bra he'd always imagined she wore. He pulled her close and held her in his arms as they kissed for a while. Hesitantly, shyly, she moved to unbutton his jeans.
"No," he said pushing her hand away. "I'll do that but I'm leaving my boxers on." He hated to, but he had to take his arm from around her in order to unbutton and take off his pants. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see her doing the same.
Quickly they both got under the covers and he put his arm back around her and she laid her head on his chest.
"I know this is going to sound like a cliché, but I can hear your heart beating," she said.
"I bet it sounds like a jackhammer."
"It's actually kinda soothing. Jess, I'm ready to . you know."
"I'd really prefer to just lie here with you in my arms. This is how I want to remember us."
"So you're still planning to go to California?" Rory asked sitting up.
"Look, I love you. I've loved you since the first moment I laid eyes on you. I love you more than anyone I've ever known but I need to get on with my life. Wal-Mart is a pretty good gig, and if you tell anyone I said that I'll deny it, but I want more out of life. I don't want to sound all hippy-dippy but I think California may be the place for me. Besides, you'll be doing your thing at Yale; you won't have time for me."
"I'd make time," she said as she brushed his cheek with her fingers.
"I don't want you to. I want to do my own thing on my own terms. I don't want to fight about this. I just want to enjoy tonight," he said pulling her on top of his chest. He then put his arm around her and began stroking her long brown hair. They lay like that for what seemed like forever. They listened to the intermittent rain hit the roof and Jess' tape with more John Lennon, a little Steely Dan, some Miles Davis, and Charlie Parker at the Village Vanguard.
After a while, Rory drifted off to sleep. Jess took this opportunity to look at her. She looked so angelic, virginal, maidenly, childlike then in the next breath she looked irresistibly feminine. In that moment, he could glimpse the woman she was destined to become, the woman with the kind of husband who would adore her, love her, be willing to die for her.
He looked at the clock on her bureau; it was 12:30, he'd better head home. Quietly so he wouldn't wake her, he gently nudged her into the space next to him, then stole out of the bed. As he was pulling up his pants, she shifted position in her sleep. After waiting to see if she'd wake up, he continued dressing. He'd let her keep the tape, something to remember him by, he thought as he bent down to kiss her on the forehead. Silently he exited her room and crept down the stairs when suddenly one of the stairs creaked.
"Shit," he said under his breath then stood still for a few minutes waiting to see if she would rush downstairs. When she didn't, he continued down the stairs and out the front door.
***
"Jess, I need to talk to you," Luke said as he cleaned the diner's grill. The restaurant had closed an hour earlier and he and Jess were cleaning up.
"Later," Jess said wringing out the rag he'd used to wipe down the tables. He'd finished his closing chores and wanted to go down to the lake to rest.
"No, now. Your mother called today," Luke said casually.
"That so," Jess said just as casually. His mom hardly ever called. In fact, he hadn't spoken to her since she'd shipped him off to Star's Hollow to stay with Luke.
"She heard from your dad today. He's living in California and wants you to come out there and stay with him for a while."
"Hmm," Jess said noncommittally as he draped the damp rag over the faucet of one of the kitchen sinks. He hadn't heard from his dad since he'd walked out on him and his mom almost a year ago.
"I just want you to know," Luke said haltingly, "that if you want to stay here, you can."
"Uh huh," Jess said as he walked into the dining area and grabbed his jacket off the coat rack.
"Jess, if you want to talk about this, I'm here for you."
"Yeah," Jess said opening the door and stepping out into the cool, starless night. It was late and the night was unseasonably damp and chilly. Jess pulled up the collar on his jacket as he made his way toward the lake.
The nerve of that bastard, he thought referring to his father. He skips out on me and my mom - no forwarding address, no phone number, nothing, then he calls out of the blue asking if I'd like to come to California and stay with him. No fucking way.
Just as he'd anticipated, no one was at the lake and that suited him just fine. The only thing he hated was the fact that there wasn't much light at the lake's edge. Consequently, he couldn't read the copy of Truman Capote's In Cold Blood he had in his back pocket. Sitting down, Jess drew his knees to his chest and stared out at the inky water. California. He'd always wanted to go. Not to LA or San Francisco but to someplace like Monterey or Carmel. He used to picture himself walking along the beach staring out at and wondering what was on the other side of the Pacific Ocean. But then he'd met Rory and those dreams had been replaced by new ones.
He knew they were wrong for each other. More precisely, he knew he was wrong for her. Granted they were both into books and always had things to talk about, but her grandparents were wealthy while his had been working class shop and restaurant owners. No, his ancestors certainly hadn't come over on the Mayflower nor did his mother qualify to be a member of the DAR. On top of that, Rory had people who truly cared about her and would do anything for her. He didn't have anyone. His mom didn't want him; his dad didn't want him; and Luke didn't want him.
People often accused him of being angry; well he was, that was the only thing keeping him from killing himself. Like Diane Court to Lloyd Dobbler in Say Anything, Rory had made him trust himself. She was unlike any girl he'd ever known. She'd managed to captivate him with both her startling beauty and her alluring frailty.
But things were different now. She'd obviously stopped seeing him for what he could be and had started seeing him for what he was - a punk, a delinquent, and a criminal. Shifting position, Jess pulled out a pack of Camels. He was supposed to have quit smoking, but what everyone else didn't know wouldn't kill them. Things had started to change about two weeks ago when Rory had gotten accepted to Harvard, Yale and Princeton. Around that time, she'd begun avoiding him and picking fights with him. He didn't blame her though. She couldn't go off to Yale, surrounded by future world leaders, with a loser boyfriend back home.
Maybe going to California wasn't such a bad idea after all. He could get away from Luke, Lorelai, this god-awful town.and Rory. People said out of sight, out of mind, maybe California was just the cure for his unbearable pain.
He stood up. He wanted her to be the first to know. He wanted her to understand that he was setting her free, that he wouldn't stand in the way of that wonderful life awaiting her at Yale - the power career, the society marriage, the 2.5 kids.
As he made his way back into town, it started raining. The streets were empty as he turned on his Walkman and listened to a mix tape he'd made the other day. Most people in Star's Hollow were probably home, wrapped in blankets, huddled with their significant other in front of the fireplace, watching TV, and eating microwave popcorn.
When he finally reached her street, he stopped to look up at her bedroom window. The light was on. She was probably nestled in her bed, the covers drawn over her, reading a book. Maybe he should go back to Luke's, he thought. He was about to leave when she suddenly appeared at the window.
"Jess?" she called down.
"Yeah."
"What are you doing down there?"
"What does it look like I'm doing? I'm stalking you."
"Go away Jess. As you said earlier today, we don't have anything more to talk about."
"I know. I just wanted you to hear this from me, I'm moving to California to live with my dad."
"California?" she called down confused. "Don't go anywhere, I'm coming down."
Jess made his way up the Gilmores' front walk and waited at the door. A few minutes later, it flew open. Jess caught his breath. God, she's beautiful, he thought as she stood there in a t-shirt and jeans with her hair swept up in a ponytail. He loved her hair like that; it made her look so childlike and carefree.
"What is this about California?" she asked, her right hand on her hip.
"Can I come in out of the rain first?"
"Sorry," Rory said stepping aside.
"Where's Lorelai?" he asked looking around for her.
"Out with Alex."
"Oh."
"So what is this about you moving to California?"
"My dad called my mom today. He's living in California and offered to put me up. I've decided to go."
"What does Shane have to say about this?"
"Why do you insist upon bringing her up? Nothing happened between us," Jess said throwing his arms up in exasperation. If it wasn't some bullshit with Dean, it was some crap with Shane, he thought as he shoved his hands into his pockets.
"Then what were you two doing in the woods?"
"Fuck it. Shane asked me to see if I could get her a job at Wal- Mart. Ok? Her mother lost her job a few months ago and her unemployment benefits are running out. Shane needs a job bad and I told her I'd talk to my boss, see if anything is available."
"Oh," Rory said looking sheepishly. "Why didn't you tell me this before?"
"Because it was none of your business. Shane's embarrassed as it is, she doesn't want her business all over Star's Hollow."
"Have you told Luke yet about California?"
"No, but I'm sure he'll be glad to see me go."
"That's not true. He really cares about you."
"Then you'll be glad to see me go."
"That's not true either."
"Look, you don't have to spare my feelings. You're going to Yale in the fall; you don't have time to be hanging out with a zero like me.
"You're not a zero."
"Then why have you been avoiding me, picking fights with me?" he asked sounding like a hurt little boy.
"Jess, things are so complicated."
"I'd better go. I have a lot to do over the next few days. I just wanted you to know I was leaving."
"Don't go," Rory said reaching out to grab his hand and pulling him close.
"Now or to California?"
"Both," she said then leaned in to kiss him.
"What are you doing Rory?"
"Shhh," she said, a determined look on her face. "Why don't we talk about this upstairs?"
"Are you sure?"
"Yes," she said grabbing his hand and slowly leading him upstairs to her room. Once they reached the landing, Jess stood in the doorway, unsure if he should come in. But then Rory turned to him and smiled. That was just the encouragement he needed, he stepped across the threshold, made his way over to her bed, and sat down.
"Do you want to hear to anything in particular?" she asked as she walked over to her stereo.
"I do have this mix tape," he said taking it out of his jacket pocket and tossing it to her. He then took off his jacket and threw it on the floor.
He watched as she put the tape in the player and pushed the play button. Suddenly Joni Mitchell's "Blue" filled the room. Rory walked over to the bed and sat down next to him, then she turned to him and put her hand on his cheek.
"Don't," Jess said, insecurity flooding him. He was so overwhelmed by her; he couldn't say half the things he longed to say to her. Instead, he just sat there listening to the tap, tap, tapping of the rain on the roof.
"Why?"
"What?"
"Why do you want me to stop?"
"I don't know," he said. He didn't want to ruin her; he didn't want her thinking of him as that sleazy punk who'd tricked her out of her virginity.
"Don't you want me?" she asked quietly looking down at her hands.
"Of course I do. I just don't want to hurt you; I don't want you to hate me."
"Granted you do have this incredible power to piss me off, but I could never hate you. I just don't understand why you do some of the things you do."
As if on cue, John Lennon's "Jealous Guy" started playing.
"If you really want to know why I act the way I do, just listen to this song." Jess watched as Rory's face took on this serious look. She cocked her head to the side in order to fully concentrate on the song. John Lennon's voice flooded the room.
I didn't mean to hurt you I'm sorry that I made you cry I didn't want to hurt you I'm just a jealous guy I was feeling insecure You might not love me anymore I was shivering inside I was shivering inside I didn't mean to hurt you I'm sorry that I made you cry I didn't want to hurt you I'm just a jealous guy
"Oh, Jess," Rory said looking him in the eyes. She was crying.
"I'm sorry," he said.
"Don't be. That was beautiful. How could you think I didn't love you anymore?"
"These past two weeks you've been acting really strange. I figured that since you'd gotten into Yale, you didn't want to hang around with a loser like me."
"You're not a loser," she said stroking his hair. "And I never want to hear you say that again."
"Yes ma'am," Jess said giving her a salute.
Without warning, she threw her arms around his neck and kissed him full on the mouth. The force of her movement knocked them both back onto the bed. The next thing Jess knew, he'd wrapped his arms around her waist and was drawing her close.
"Maybe we should stop," he said when they came up for air.
"No," Rory said then began kissing him on his neck.
"Are you sure you want to continue doing this?"
"Yes."
"But."
"Jess, shut up," Rory said as she slipped her hands under his favorite Metallica t-shirt. Slowly they inched up his chest until she reached his shoulders then she pulled the t-shirt off.
Jess caught his breath; he was shocked but pleasantly surprised. He'd never expected her to take the initiative like this. Tentatively, he pulled her t-shirt over her head. There she laid next to him in a white lace bra with a little blue bow on it. He wanted to laugh but knew this wasn't the best time; it was just that it was exactly the kind of bra he'd always imagined she wore. He pulled her close and held her in his arms as they kissed for a while. Hesitantly, shyly, she moved to unbutton his jeans.
"No," he said pushing her hand away. "I'll do that but I'm leaving my boxers on." He hated to, but he had to take his arm from around her in order to unbutton and take off his pants. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see her doing the same.
Quickly they both got under the covers and he put his arm back around her and she laid her head on his chest.
"I know this is going to sound like a cliché, but I can hear your heart beating," she said.
"I bet it sounds like a jackhammer."
"It's actually kinda soothing. Jess, I'm ready to . you know."
"I'd really prefer to just lie here with you in my arms. This is how I want to remember us."
"So you're still planning to go to California?" Rory asked sitting up.
"Look, I love you. I've loved you since the first moment I laid eyes on you. I love you more than anyone I've ever known but I need to get on with my life. Wal-Mart is a pretty good gig, and if you tell anyone I said that I'll deny it, but I want more out of life. I don't want to sound all hippy-dippy but I think California may be the place for me. Besides, you'll be doing your thing at Yale; you won't have time for me."
"I'd make time," she said as she brushed his cheek with her fingers.
"I don't want you to. I want to do my own thing on my own terms. I don't want to fight about this. I just want to enjoy tonight," he said pulling her on top of his chest. He then put his arm around her and began stroking her long brown hair. They lay like that for what seemed like forever. They listened to the intermittent rain hit the roof and Jess' tape with more John Lennon, a little Steely Dan, some Miles Davis, and Charlie Parker at the Village Vanguard.
After a while, Rory drifted off to sleep. Jess took this opportunity to look at her. She looked so angelic, virginal, maidenly, childlike then in the next breath she looked irresistibly feminine. In that moment, he could glimpse the woman she was destined to become, the woman with the kind of husband who would adore her, love her, be willing to die for her.
He looked at the clock on her bureau; it was 12:30, he'd better head home. Quietly so he wouldn't wake her, he gently nudged her into the space next to him, then stole out of the bed. As he was pulling up his pants, she shifted position in her sleep. After waiting to see if she'd wake up, he continued dressing. He'd let her keep the tape, something to remember him by, he thought as he bent down to kiss her on the forehead. Silently he exited her room and crept down the stairs when suddenly one of the stairs creaked.
"Shit," he said under his breath then stood still for a few minutes waiting to see if she would rush downstairs. When she didn't, he continued down the stairs and out the front door.