She'd managed to sleep for a good two hours before she woke up in the middle of the night. It was weird now, being at home in her own bed. Meredith rubbed at her eyes tiredly, wanting nothing more than be able to slip right back into dreamland, but sleep wouldn't come. So instead she simply laid there watching Derek sleep beside her. If someone would have told her six months ago that this was the life she would be living she knew for certain she'd have laughed in their face.

Except now she couldn't because this was her life and this was about as normal as it got. Ungodly hours and sleep depravation were normal. Of course she had known going in that this life would not be an easy one. Which is why she was stumped as to how she had let herself end up in such a complicated situation. From the moment she'd brought him home, Derek Shepherd had managed to turn her perfectly planned world upside down. When she was with him, she acted on instinct. There was generally no thought behind her decisions or her actions, it was simply what felt right.

Surgeons were controls freaks. That particular sentence had been drilled in her head since her very first day in medical school. Only Meredith had no clue who had the control in this situation.

Normally, she would never admit to relinquishing control, but she was content to follow Derek's lead in this relationship they were in. Honesty was a big thing with him and she thought that sometimes that was what kept her awake at night.

There had been many times she had wanted to tell him about her mother, but the words just wouldn't come. After all, how do you tell a secret that isn't really yours to tell? Sometimes she thought it might easier to just spit the words out, but when she opened her mouth to do so, her brain started screaming at her. Her secret was the one thing in this relationship she did have control over. She sighed deeply and turned away from him. It was hard looking him in the face, even when he was sleeping, knowing she was keeping such a huge thing from him.

" Meri, " His sleep laden voice whispered and she almost didn't answer him. It wouldn't have done any good though. He'd know by her breathing she wasn't asleep. Rolling over to face him, she offered a sheepish smile.

" Sorry. I wasn't trying to wake you. I just can't fall back asleep, " Meredith apologized, even though she was certain he understood.

" You don't have to apologize. Anything you want to talk about, " Even in the dark, she could see the concern in his indigo blue eyes.

She was silent for a moment. He was giving her the perfect opportunity to unload, but couldn't do it. Instead, she decided to change the subject.

" Tell me something about you I don't know, " Meredith demanded, burying her face in the crook of his neck and draping her arm over his chest.

" Like what? "

" I don't know. Anything. "

Derek didn't answer and she knew he was trying to rack his brain to come up with an answer.

" That place we had the picnic at? All that land is mine, " Derek said after a few minutes of silence.

" What's your favorite song? "

" Tainted Love. Only the original though. I'm a big fan of the Clash."

" I should have guessed that one. You're always singing it in the shower , " Meredith giggled softly against his neck.

" What's with all the questions? "

" It's just that I hardly know anything about you."

" You know I'm from New York. You know I like ferryboats."

" Enough with ferryboats, " She complained good-naturedly.

" Seriously, Meri. What's up? "

It was now or never, she decided. Opening her mouth, she forced the words out.

" I have to tell you something."

Something about the tone of her voice alarmed him and he reached over on the nightstand to turn on the lamp. She was looking at him and he could see the fear in her eyes. He sat up in the bed, pulling her with him.

" Meredith? What's wrong?"

" I have to tell you something and you can't get mad because I didn't tell you before. I made a promise not to tell, but I think maybe if I tell you I'll be able to go to sleep, " She was doing the nervous thing where she rambled and he started to get nervous himself.

" Okay."

" My mother isn't traveling. She isn't writing a book. She isn't anything, " Her words came out in a rush and he looked at her confused.

" Okay."

" My mother has Alzheimer's , Derek. She's in a home and I'm the only one who knows."

He let out the breath he'd been holding and dragged her against her chest, rubbing her back

" I didn't want to lie to you anymore, because you've been so honest with me and I feel horrible because I haven't been as honest with you , " He felt something hot splash against his skin and he tilted her head up to look at him. Those blue gray eyes were swimming with tears and his heart broke.

" It's okay, Meri. I'm not mad. How advanced? "

" Very. I'm lucky if she remembers who I am some days. "

" That's where you disappear too. I wondered, but I wasn't going to ask. I figured if you wanted me to know, you'd tell me."

" I'm sorry. I just...didn't know how to tell you."

" I'm glad you did."

" It's just hard, you know? Everyone asks me about my mother and I have to lie, telling them that she's off doing these great things when she's not. She's sitting all by herself in a home, losing her mind. "

Derek didn't know what to say to that.

When she'd told him she had to tell him something, he couldn't help the panic that started to set in. He didn't know what he'd been expecting, but it certainly hadn't been that. He'd watched her intently as she had told him about her mother and it was like he could see the weight being lifted from her. It obviously hadn't been easy on her, because she was such a private person by nature.

If he thought back to the night they had dinner with Webber, her discomfort when her mother had been brought up had been obvious.

He'd held her for a long time after her confession. Now she was curled against up against him like a kitten, lost in a sleep she hadn't been getting in he didn't know how long. Internship wasn't easy on anybody, but hers was especially hard. They had to be careful about their behavior, a lesson she had taught him when she sprung Cristina on him. Cristina Yang was a very observant woman, that much he knew now. She also knew how to keep a secret though, even when she was angry. They'd managed to have a civil dinner that evening, but he knew she'd not spoken to Meredith for two days after it. Eventually, she'd come around though and let Meredith explain the situation to her and now she seemed fine with it. He was thankful for that because he got the impression that was one woman he didn't want to cross.

Even so, he often requested Cristina on surgeries because for one she was a good surgeon, but also because it was obvious to anyone who knew her that Cristina Yang was a surgical junkie. He'd worked with Stevens and O'Malley a couple of times, but for the most part Burke kept O'Malley with him. George had a crush on Meredith, anyone with eyes could see that. Both he and Cristina had pointed it out to her, but she had simply looked at them like they were nuts. He had a theory that she saw it, she just chose to ignore it. That was what he liked to fondly refer to as the Meredith Grey method of denial.

Derek was a fine one to talk about denial anyways. He was in a constant struggle with himself, refusing to accept the fact that he was in love with the woman sleeping beside him. It was one thing to know he was in love with her, but a completely different other to accept it. He'd just ended an eleven year marriage and here he was not three months later completely and totally head over heels with a woman he barely even knew. That couldn't be possible, right?

Except it was and he knew it when he gazed down at her as she laid across him. At first maybe it had been about the sex and the fact he was lonely. Somewhere along the way it had turned into something completely different and he wasn't sure when or how even. He just knew that it did. Tearing himself out of such deep thoughts, he settled himself more comfortably in their bed, being careful not to wake her. As he drifted off to join her in sleep, he put voice to the one thing he'd known since their first surgery together,

" I love you, Meredith. "