Chapter Six

Buffy's eyes began to sting as tears poured into her eyes and started to fall down her face. Suddenly everything was out of focus and she could only hear the last sentence spoke to her repeat in her head. Her jaw quivered and she looked down at her lap.

"I'm so sorry Miss Summers."

Buffy breath was uneven. "I'm not okay."

"I understand."

"Can you leave now?" she said in an even voice, free of emotion.

"Of course." The doctor easily stepped through the door and closed it behind him.

Buffy instantly broke down and cried into her hand. The walls of her mind collapsed and images of her past and future collided together: her with her baby, her cooking with her mom when she was younger, Spike rocking the baby, her parents' divorce, her parents together.

In the waiting room everyone else was still in tears after the news. Spike went outside and paced back and forth in front of the hospital. He slammed his fist into the brick wall taking out a chunk of brick as well as shedding some skin from his hand. That didn't stop him from punching it a second time or a third. Finally he just collapsed against the wall and fell to the ground.

"Spike?" a nurse asked him. He looked up in response. "I'm sorry, but Miss Summers is asking for you." He somehow found the will to push himself off the ground and follow the nurse to his girlfriend's room.

He walked right over to her, without a word, and hugged her. She hugged him back, trying to keep in her tears. She had to be strong. It was expected of her to be strong. She couldn't let him see her vulnerable.

"How are you?" he asked, keeping his hold tight on her.

"Bad."

He kissed her head. "Yeah, me too pet." He released his right arm and brought his legs up onto the bed. Buffy moved over to make room and then rested her head on his chest when they were situated. Spike gently brushed his left hand over Buffy's head over and over while she just lay there, trying not to cry.

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The next day, a little before sunset, Buffy was out of the hospital. The nurses were surprised how quickly she healed, physically. They weren't going to let her out but further test results said she could be released. Joyce brought her home and was surprised when she saw Willow, Xander and Giles asleep in the living room. "They must be tired from patrolling," Joyce said.

Buffy looked at them and the crying was about to start again. She turned her head and went straight to her room. Joyce sighed and went to the kitchen to get something to eat. She jumped when the door to the basement opened. "Spike. You startled me."

"Sorry Joyce. Just, I heard ya come in and I figured Buffy was here."

"She is. She went upstairs."

"Thanks." Spike slowly made his way up the stairs to Buffy's room. He knocked on the door three times.

"Just a second." Buffy threw a black zip up over her white tank top and opened her door. "Spike."

"Hey Buffy."

She smiled and gave him a hug. "You got here fast." She let go and gave him a once over.

"I slept here last night so I'd be here when you got home."

"Oh, thanks."

Spike was kind of taken back by her reaction. Normally she would've smiled and kissed him for such a gesture but now she seemed… distant. "No problem," he uneasily replied. "Uh, where ya goin'?"

"To patrol."

"Let me come with you."

"Spike, the sun's still setting. I don't want you to burn into a pile of vampire dust."

"So wait around for an hour."

"Just come find me later. Not all vampires wait for the sun to fully set." She gave him a kiss on the cheek and left. He stood there for a minute in shock of how… awkward was pretty much the only word he could come up with. She didn't seem sad at all. He walked down the stairs and followed the sound of Joyce's movement in the kitchen.

"Did Buffy just leave?"

"Yeah. She went patrollin'."

"Should she be doing that so soon? Shouldn't she rest?"

"Your daughter ain't exactly one to follow the 'shoulds' of recovery." He sat down on a barstool. "How is she?"

"I was hoping you could tell me. She hasn't said a word all day." She pulled two mugs out of the cabinet and poured tea into them. She handed one to Spike and then took a seat next to him. "I'm worried about her. I've never seen her like this. She's just… I can't even explain it."

"Empty," Spike filled in the blank.

"Yes. And I understand that this is a big thing, but I haven't even seen her cry yet." Joyce noticed that Spike was staring at the countertop and his eyes began to glisten. She placed her hand on his arm.

"I should have been there. I shouldn't have waited here for so long."

"This isn't your fault."

"I knew she was out slayin' and I should've left right then and there. I should've kept lookin' for her 'stead of goin' home-"

"How were you supposed to know?"

"That's not the point. She's always been there for me and I let her down when she needed me the most. The girl I care about most, in this pathetic existence some might call a life, was out there while I sat at home for her to show up. What's worse is that I was getting mad because she wasn't there. She was in a hospital, bleeding from a stake wound, and I was upset we didn't get to have our date." By this time Spike had started crying and Joyce was just starting. She moved her hand to his back for more comfort, if that was possible.

"I know this is cliché but you can't focus on the could've-should've points. Just focus on Buffy now and be there for her."

"I can't be there for her if she doesn't let me in. Why should she? I only left her out there defenseless." He paused a moment. "Well, as defenseless as that girl can get."

The occupants of the living room and just woken up and meandered towards the conversation. "Hi Joyce. Where's Buffy?" Xander asked.

"She went out."

"Patrolling? Why?"

"'Cause she's Buffy," Spike said, wiping the tears from his cheeks. He got up and left out the back door. The sun was at a safe level, not that he really cared right now. He took a seat on the steps and just waited.

The door opened and closed. Spike kept his eyes straight ahead as they sat down. "What a view huh?" Spike looked over and saw Xander, not the happiest he's been. "Look, I know I've made it extremely obvious that I don't like you."

"You don't like me?" Spike asked sarcastically.

Xander laughed a little in his head. "But I just wanted you to know that I'm sorry about… all this. No one deserves this kind of thing."

The vampire was a little perplexed at this new side of Xander he was exposed to. It kind of freaked him out but he just nodded and said, "Thanks."

"I'm not sayin' we're gonna hug though." He stood up and went inside.

After one more minute of silence Spike got up and headed out to the graveyards.

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Spike heard the sound of a brawl going on which meant one thing, Buffy found some vampires. He rushed ahead toward them.

Buffy threw a punch but the vampire blocked it and swung her around and slammed her into the crypt. She slid down the wall and the vampire's punch crushed the wall instead of her face. Buffy kicked the vamp in the neck making him hit the wall and fall to the ground. She whipped out her stake and thrust it towards his chest. He blocked it and tried to turn it on her. Buffy instantly started to panic, her mind went back to when the other vamp stabbed her, and this gave the vamp a chance to roll her over and prepare for attack. Buffy flashed back and head butted him. Then he fell off of her and he turned to dust. She looked over and saw Spike brushing away the dust. "Spike?"

"All right pet?" He walked over and helped her up.

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"I found ya."

"I can see that but did you really have to come in here and slay the vampire? I was handling it."

"He had you pinned to the ground."

"And then I head butted him and regained control." Spike rolled her eyes at her statement. Buffy sighed and walked over to him. "I'm sorry. I'm just a little on edge. Thanks for helping me." She put her hand on his cheek and gave him a quick kiss on the lips. Spike was about to move in for another but she turned away and started walking.

"Buffy," he asked as he caught up. "Are you doin' all right?"

"I'm fine."

"You seem a little too fine."

Buffy stopped and turned around. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, I haven't seen ya cry or sad since we the news."

"Spike, I can't control whether or not I kept the baby. Yes, I wish it hadn't have happened but… it did."

"How can you say it like that?"

"Because, I'm…"

"You're…."

"Can we just stop talking about this?"

"No, because what you're doin' isn't healthy. Mentally that is."

"You're one to talk about being mentally healthy."

"Hey."

"I haven't seen you cry either."

"Well… I haven't seen you cry."

"Yes, we established that. Just because I don't cry, doesn't mean I'm not upset."

"You're actin' like you were at the doctor's for a check up and everythin's fine."

"What do you want me to do Spike? Get in my time machine and turn the clock back so I don't go out and do my job that night? Not get pregnant in the first place? What do you want from me?"

"I want you to be upset."

"You want me to be upset? What kind of a sentence is that?"

"It isn't normal for you to just shrug this off."

"And the rest of my life is so normal? Ya know what, you go back to your crypt and I'll continue patrolling."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Spike asked, wondering if she was pointing fingers to how he waited for her to not show up that night.

"That means leave me alone. I'll talk to you tomorrow." She ran out of the graveyard and down the street. Spike just stood there, feeling all emotion crowd his body.

Buffy ran to Willow's house and was welcomed inside. Willow was on her computer in her room but she immediately stopped when Buffy entered. "Buffy."

Buffy suddenly burst into tears, leaving Willow stunned for a moment. She ran over and gave her best friend a hug. Buffy hugged her back and continued drenching her friend's shoulder. "I can't do it Will. I can't do it."

"Can't do what?"

"I tried- I tried to be strong but I can't do it anymore." Willow walked towards the bed and sat, making Buffy sit too.

"Who's asking you to be strong?"

They let each other go. "The rule book. I'm the Slayer. I have to be strong. If I fall apart then who's gonna protect everyone."

"Buffy, this is a big thing. The Slayer handbook, or whatever, doesn't say you can't cry because otherwise the world will turn to ruin."

"But I'm afraid that once I start it'll just take over and I'll never get out."

"Get out?"

"I'm afraid I'll never be able to be happy again. Spike and I have already become distant and I can't stand it."

"Have you told him?"

"No. I can't break down in front of him. I don't want him to feel bad for anything. I don't want him to blame himself for this. This is all me."

"Losing the baby is not your fault."

"Oh yeah? Everyone told me I shouldn't go slaying. Spike asked me to at least be with him when I do. Did I wait for him? No. I went out there, slipped up and there's no one to blame but myself."

"This isn't your fault." Buffy's face scrunched up in pain and her head fell into Willow's lap. "Buffy, things happen. You can't help that this one vampire bested you. Every Slayer before you had this happen only it was permanent. You're still here and there are people that care about you and are worried."

"Why are they worried?"

"Because you're walking around like an emotionless robot and they're afraid you've gone off the deep end. I understand that this is hard but you have to let us help. Especially Spike. Can you imagine how he feels?"

Buffy sat up. "Oh my God, I'm such a heartless girlfriend. Here I am crying on your lap and he has no one to talk to." This made Buffy start crying again.

"No, that's not what I meant. I meant… Oh God… I mean… Just talk to him. That's what I meant. Just talk to him and tell him everything. He isn't expecting you to keep it together. No one is. Just know that we're here. All of us. Well, not here here but… I keep ruining this moment don't I?"

"Thanks Willow." Buffy gave Willow a big hug, but not too hard for the not too far off possibility of snapping her vertebrae.